si dawson

Going on a 30 some­thing day juice feast totally kicked my ass.

I admit it. I was mis­er­able pretty much the entire time.

Worse though was after­wards. I decided to fin­ish by going from juice onto a 4 day water fast (which was eas­ier, oddly). That was ok. How­ever, once the tran­si­tion back to nor­mal food was done (the usual 6+ day grad­ual dietary speedup), things have gone com­pletely bonkers.

I've eaten more junk than I have in years. Today alone I had four meals, and another meal's worth of snack­ing. I've eaten until my stom­ach hurts, and then kept eat­ing (and been doing this for days). To give this a lit­tle per­spec­tive, I nor­mally eat only one or two small meals a day. I have a fast metab­o­lism, but don't need much food to keep me going.

And this whole time, I've been try­ing to fig­ure out what's going on. I've thrown all my usual heal­ing tools (EFT, reiki, releas­ing, etc) at it, to no avail.

The fast­ing was tough, true. Hav­ing my part­ner out of town on busi­ness for the last two months hasn't been easy either (par­tic­u­larly since the pre­vi­ous two years we spent pretty much 24/7 together). But still, this was insane!

What the hell has been happening?

Well, I think I just found out. The inim­itable Dhru­mil pointed me to a quote from Mama S, of Give It To Me Raw:

Food is not Love

You know what? I read that and imme­di­ately burst out cry­ing. I didn't stop for five min­utes. In fact, I think I cried more & deeper than the whole time I was fast­ing — and con­sid­er­ing what a wreck I was most of the time, that's say­ing some­thing. I released/healed a ton of stuff while I was cry­ing, and now? Well, it's odd, but the urge to eat seems to have disappeared.

A lot more things make sense too.

I grew up in a large, not par­tic­u­larly well off fam­ily. Mum didn't nec­es­sar­ily have as much time to spend with each of us as if we'd had a smaller fam­ily, & we may not have been able to keep up with the Jones (lit­er­ally, they had a really nice car & a great com­puter), but we always ate well. It was one key way that Mum expressed her love for us, through food.

I think, at some level, I picked up on that, and solid­i­fied it as a core inter­nal belief. A connection.

It maybe also explains why the juic­ing was so hard for me — if I was deny­ing myself solid food — but inter­pret­ing that as deny­ing myself love? Yowser!

and yet, oddly, the reverse IS true:

Love is Food

Love is the deep­est nour­ish­ment of all. All beings instinc­tively crave it, from the sec­ond they're born. And what is love any­way, but energy? So why the appeal of raw food? It has more energy, more love. At some level, whether we're aware of it or not, our bod­ies know this, we feel it. The closer the food is to liv­ing, the closer it is to lov­ing. It really is that simple.

Or at least, hav­ing cried my lungs out half the evening, that's how I feel about it right now.. And that sure beats eat­ing myself into pain.