si dawson

I was think­ing things over last night, and had one of those "once in a life­time realisations":

I'm addicted to strug­gling. I like to strug­gle. I want to struggle.

pic by Ahmad Kavousian

I want things to be dif­fi­cult, to have to tough things out.

Now, I sus­pect this comes from a com­bi­na­tion of "any­thing worth­while takes effort" & the feel­ing of accom­plish­ment that comes from over­com­ing ridicu­lous odds.

But really, who cares why? The impor­tant thing is to get it the hell out of my life.

And, mostly, I've done that, using a com­bi­na­tion of releas­ing & EFT. There's still some resid­ual stuff there, but it's much lighter. How do I know there's some left? When I went to the bank today it took 45 min­utes & 3 dif­fer­ent tellers for what is usu­ally a 10 minute exer­cise. That's struggling.

Real­is­ing that this has been such a deep belief of mine has put every­thing in my life into extreme focus. So many of the dif­fi­cul­ties, the pain, the hard­ship. I realise now the vast major­ity (if not all) of them were self cre­ated. For­tu­nately, they don't have to be. I decide what I believe, so I can change that.

Really inter­est­ingly, today I saw for the first time, all these sit­u­a­tions where I'm mak­ing things harder for myself. Instinc­tive choices I'm about to make that wind things up instead of down, make things harder instead of eas­ier. The beauty is as I make those dif­fer­ent choices, I can, finally, see things smooth­ing out before me.

So ask your­self. Is your life as smooth as it could be? Maybe?

To get to the point where I was able to admit this to myself has taken a cou­ple of years — again, that's me strug­gling. For you? I hope the answer comes much quicker, and is a resound­ing "Hell No!"