Who Teaches Us To Live?

With everything that's been happening lately, I've been wondering why it is that years of education only teach us how to read, write, and so on.

Who teaches us how to live? How to deal with painful emotions? How to survive, or better yet, to thrive?

pic byJim Moore

Traditionally, this is the role our parents have - but the big assumption is that they already know, and they're not still picking it up themselves.

Personally, it feels like so much of what I've learned in terms of dealing with the world and truly living I've only discovered in the last few months & years.

To my complete lack of surprise, my Aikido sensei pointed out that this train of thought has already been well covered (by someone far more eloquent than I):

THE VASTEST THINGS ARE THOSE WE MAY NOT LEARN

The vastest things are those we may not learn.
We are not taught to die, nor to be born,
Nor how to burn
With love.
How pitiful is our enforced return
To those small things we are the masters of.

- by Mervyn Peake

C-Walk Extraordinaire

This is simply jaw dropping (particularly after 2:30).

Notice how he's moving so fast the CCD in the camera is having trouble keeping up with him - so it looks like he's dancing under a strobe, even though it's bright daylight.

The Subtle Power Of A Room Shuffle

I recently shuffled my entire office around. Why? Because it was time for serious change.

Remember that scene from Dead Poet's Society, where the teacher, played by Robin Williams, gets the kids to stand on their desks so they can see the world in a different way?

Yeah, it's like that now. Only more so.

Now, it doesn't have to be as drastic an exercise as it was for me (it was a solid two day job, shifting everything in my office somewhere new). Often just reversing a couple of pieces of key furniture, or turning a single chair to face a different direction can give you a whole new perspective on life.

I had a friend who used to completely rearrange his bedroom every six months. At the time I didn't really understand it, but now I see what a clear message it sends to our brains.

Every time you're in that environment, all the old familiar signals you're used to are now gone. Your brain has to reassess. It makes it easier to lose old habits, along with the old environment. It's easy to feel like you're starting a new life, because everything feels so different. Not only that, but we get constant drum beat every second we're in that room:

• Don't take things for granted!
• You do have influence in your environment!
• You can make things exactly how you want them!
• If you're unhappy, change it!
• Better things are afoot!

Even more essentially, it keeps things fresh, it makes you feel at a very deep level like you're making a new start - and sometimes that's exactly what the doctor ordered.

I'm a Recovering Struggle-a-holic.. Are You?

I was thinking things over last night, and had one of those "once in a lifetime realisations":

I'm addicted to struggling. I like to struggle. I want to struggle.

pic by Ahmad Kavousian

I want things to be difficult, to have to tough things out.

Now, I suspect this comes from a combination of "anything worthwhile takes effort" & the feeling of accomplishment that comes from overcoming ridiculous odds.

But really, who cares why? The important thing is to get it the hell out of my life.

And, mostly, I've done that, using a combination of releasing & EFT. There's still some residual stuff there, but it's much lighter. How do I know there's some left? When I went to the bank today it took 45 minutes & 3 different tellers for what is usually a 10 minute exercise. That's struggling.

Realising that this has been such a deep belief of mine has put everything in my life into extreme focus. So many of the difficulties, the pain, the hardship. I realise now the vast majority (if not all) of them were self created. Fortunately, they don't have to be. I decide what I believe, so I can change that.

Really interestingly, today I saw for the first time, all these situations where I'm making things harder for myself. Instinctive choices I'm about to make that wind things up instead of down, make things harder instead of easier. The beauty is as I make those different choices, I can, finally, see things smoothing out before me.

So ask yourself. Is your life as smooth as it could be? Maybe?

To get to the point where I was able to admit this to myself has taken a couple of years - again, that's me struggling. For you? I hope the answer comes much quicker, and is a resounding "Hell No!"

War Games Cracks Me the Hell Up

So I'm reading an interview on Wired with a bunch of the people behind the 1983 hit WarGames, and I stumble across what I think may be the funniest sub-interview ever to grace a sidebar.

It's with Ally Sheedy, the then 20 year old love interest of the movie (who set many a heart pattering in her day, I can tell you)

Wired: So it wasn't a love for microprocessors that drew you to this role.

Sheedy: I couldn't make heads or tails of the script. It was easy for me to do the part where she's asking questions.

Wired: What about now?

Sheedy: To be honest, I haven't seen the movie since it came out. It's probably kind of quaint.

Wired: Nowadays, cybercrime might outrank nuclear warfare as a source of collective anxiety. I sometimes feel really at sea with technology. I love email.

Sheedy: All this communicating has created a world where no one's accountable. And I have a 14-year-old daughter, so I worry.

Wired: Wow. You have a 14-year-old daughter. That just set off a wave of cognitive dissonance among the hackers who'd like to hit on you ... Do hackers hit on you?

Sheedy: No, I don't hear so much from hackers. No. No, no, no. I don't. Thankfully. No.

Wired: Just one no would've been fine.

The rest of the Wired piece is actually kind of fascinating too. Those guys really did their research.

ok, ok, one more funny quote, from the director (they had a stack of geeks on set the whole time)

You could get all the hacker geekiness you wanted just by standing on the set. We were dealing with things like when Matthew sits at the computer, we've got an actor who can't even type. I'd say, "No, I just really want him to type in 'David' and have him get on." They said, "No! You can't do that! You have to go through all these elaborate sequences!" I said, "No, we're not doing that. Audiences will have left the theater by the time he logs into the computer one time."

The "I Love You" Game

We really are our own worst enemy.

The little voice inside our head, criticising, judging, constantly questioning.

So what to do about it? Well, there are many ways - meditating, becoming more present, sedona, eft, you name it.

Here's a fun way that I've discovered helps build self-acceptance, and lessen that voice.

I did this while walking about town, so it's not the kind of thing that you need to be super-attentive to, or block out time to do.

Now, normally when this little voice starts up - our instinct is to supress it. Ignore it. Now try doing the exact opposite. Call it up. See what it has to say.

So, if it comes up with "You're lazy"? That's great! Just sing back to it "I love you, lazy [whatever-your-name-is]" - and mean it!

I use a silly sing-song voice when I do it - it just keeps things light, stops me getting too serious about it all.

Then, just keep telling that part of you that you love it until it stops telling you this thing. Next, see what other little voices have nasty things to say. Once you open the floodgates, you'll find there's a ton there, but by giving them unconditional love, you dissolve them. You regain your power, and you see them for what they truly are, not these big fearful truths at all, but just your tiny ego, trying to get attention in any way it can.

pic by misssmile

It sounds crazy, but once you get into it, it's actually a whole lot of fun, and the relief that comes is.. indescribable.

It really is true what they say "Love kills the demon".

Hoop Dreams

Know how surfing the net can sometimes lead you in unexpected directions? Recently I did this:

Went from twitter to Sushi Zume to hoop lovers, hooping.org (the community), hoopinglife (the movie), and finally hoop revolution. After reading a lot & watching a few videos, like this:

(shot in a Tokyo skyscraper, of all crazy places)

I suddenly realised. Somehow, when my back was turned, old school "hula hooping" went from this:

to just "hooping", and this:

(more here)

I mean. Really. What the hell just happened? That's.... HOT! (& insanely so.. although, of course, having a Van Der Graaf generator = extra points)

Are You Allowed To Be Happy?

I realised something yesterday.

I'm not allowed to be happy.

Now, since I'm the one creating my life, what this actually translates to is I'm not allowing myself to be happy.

What the... ? How did that happen?!?

A lot of it is upbringing - we're taught things, for better or worse. Don't do this, make sure you do that...

Some things we may rebel against (sex, drinking,..) and with that rebellion comes a certain illicit enjoyment.

Others we may not, and so crossing those lines brings guilt, regret, anguish.

On top of that, I know I've set up conditions for myself. I can't be happy if... (I'm too lazy, too poor, single...)

Well! It's hardly surprising I wasn't happy. If I'm waiting for my life to be perfect - and, while we're on the subject, what IS perfection anyway? Meeting some entirely arbitrary list of criteria? Most of which I was barely conscious I was even creating? Well, that's not going to happen in a hurry, now is it?

So, first order of the day:

Find these conditions and dump them!

pic by LightSpectral

Ok, so how to do that? Try finding a quiet spot, and letting your mind automatically fill the end of these sentences. Just start saying them with the expectation that something will fall out, and see what comes up. You may be very surprised (I know I was)!

I can't be happy because...
I can't be happy until..
I'm not allowed to be happy because..
It's only right I should suffer because..
I should be unhappy because..
I'm sad because..
I won't be happy unless..

You get the idea. Whatever comes up - clear it out - in whatever way works for you. Personally, I use releasing (sedona method), eft, and a bunch of other energy techniques.. but that's just what I've found works best for me. You find what works for you - realising you have these ingrained belief systems is the first, but hardest step.

And you know? It's a strange thing, but even in the last day or so I'd say I feel 40-50% lighter. Clearer. Calmer, and yes, much, much happier.

The important thing to realise is this: We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. Not anyone else. Not our partners, our bosses, our family. You may have no control whatsoever over your immediate surroundings, but you are the only person who has the say in how you react to what happens around you. You decide how much you're going to let things affect you or not.

The great news is, even if your life seems utterly miserable, you can change yourself, and thus your happiness.. and I guarantee you, as your attitude changes, all those little things around you that have been bothering you for so long will almost magically change as well.

LSA, Linseed, Linseed Meal: Traps for Young Players

I've recently been introduced to the benefits of LSA. That is:

3 parts Linseed
2 parts Sunflower seeds
1 part Almonds

This was used by Sandra Cabot as a liver cleansing diet (although originally put together by a couple of other Australians, in the 80's).

Ok, so that's great. Soak, grind & add that to my diet, and we're away. Right? Wrong.

Turns out, I didn't have any linseed hanging around the place, just some linseed meal - I figure that's gotta be the same stuff, just ground up, so where's the problem?

One thing that juice fast taught me was to listen very, very closely to my body when I'm feeding it things, and I noticed that after having the LSA mix, something wasn't quite right. Basically ok, just a little off.

So I started doing some research.

Linseed is another term for flaxseed. Flaxseed is well known as a source of omega-3's, etc etc. So what's the problem?

Turns out linseed meal is a by-product of extracting the oil from flax/linseeds. Ie, it's what's left over after you take the oil away.

Now, linseed meal is fed to horses, and is still high in protein, so what gives?

Then I discovered this [pdf]. "The toxic action of linseed meal on trout". Turns out some scientists discovered that when you feed linseed meal (ie, the by-product, not the entire seed) to trout, it turns them black. And blind. And dead.

So. Entire seed, good. Meal, bad. Of Course! How Obvious! *facepalm*

It's a tricky world out there. Stay sharp kids!

Naked Bouldering - Can The Art Get Any Purer?

Seriously, is there anything more beautiful than this?

Pic (c) Dean Fidelman

I've always loved bouldering for its simplicity. No ropes, no harnesses, no gear. Just you, your shoes, maybe a chalk bag.. and the rock. Never going high enough that a fall is likely to kill, but still adrenaline & lactic acid pumping hard enough that you can burn yourself out completely in half an hour (I know, I've done it on several occasions when there was only enough light for half an hour's climbing *grin*).

Turns out there's a new craze, even purer, simpler, closer to nature. Climbing completely nude. California based climber & photographer Dean Fidelman (who took the photo above) has even released calendars of the climbing in action, called "Stone Nudes."

Climbing by itself is such an incredibly beautiful sport. Fluid, graceful motion, intense amounts of power, stunningly intricate technicalities & the pure harmonious blend of mind, body & spirit. To do it completely naked simply captures that beauty perfectly.

Raw: Simpler is Better

I'm coming to the conclusion that the closer a food is to being alive, the better it is for us to eat it - no ground breaking realisations here of course - just important to realise these things for oneself.

The antithesis of this being: the more processed, complexly combined & further from this natural state, the worse it's likely to be. It's a handy rule of thumb.

Which leads me to dessert:

Freshly cut organic apple, strawberries & cherries, topped with passionfruit. Takes about 3 minutes to make, healthy & absolutely delicious. The only thing better would be if I'd picked it all myself.

Gall Bladder Cleanse - Don't Do What I Did

[If you're squeamish, don't read this]

I'd been reading a bit about gall bladder cleanses on Give It To Me Raw, and thought "Hey, why not give that a go?"

So I did.

mMMmm nummy! No, mine doesn't look like this (I'd be in extreme pain if it did).

I did a bunch of research, read about 20 different ways to do it, and figured out what would work for me, and went ahead and got stuck in.

Most of the suggestions involve drinking olive oil + lemon (or grapefruit) juice in the evening, lying on your right hand side with your right knee up, for half an hour, then going to sleep.

So, here's what not to do:

1. Don't figure "Why wait till evening? I'll start now!" (2pm in the afternoon). Otherwise you'll be up all night, uhh, running back & forth. This is not as much fun as it sounds.
2. Also, there's a good chance you'll spend the rest of the day burping olive oil. This is REALLY gross. If you're asleep, of course, you won't notice.
3. Generally the idea is not to eat all day, then drink the gunk in the evening. I've been having psyllium shakes (couple of teaspoons psyllium husk shaken up in water) early in the morning. To me, that's liquid, so no problem, right? Ahh, my body thinks otherwise. Apparently this is a solid. Big problem. Blocks you up inside, so the gall stones can't flush out as easily. I spent most of the rest of the day feeling pretty ill. I have a sneaking suspicion this also lead to me throwing up, later in the piece.
4. I'm a curious guy, but still not curious enough to sift through my "produce". So leaving the light on is a good idea, because otherwise it's going to be pitch black when you go rushing in there & you'll never get to see the results of all your glorious efforts. Once you're sitting, there's no way in hell you're getting up again. And once you've finished, there's no way in hell you're leaving that evil stuff lying around even long enough to get to the light & back.

And here's what did kind of work:

1. I had 2 cups (500ml) of olive oil with 2 cups of lemon juice & the juice of a grapefruit. All things considered, that didn't taste too bad (although I did skull it down). I think the grapefruit really softened the taste.
2. Taking tiny licks of honey in between gulping sessions helped too. I managed to get the entire litre (quart) all down in about 5 minutes.
3. Gargling with mouthwash was the only thing I found that reliably took the olive oil burps away (I tried apple, pineapple juice, water).

Annnnd, some other notes, that you probably don't want to know.

1. Plan on being very busy. I lost count after 14 visits, oh, and threw up three times (I think about the 13th visit). Interestingly, I didn't throw up any oil (I would have tasted it), just the pineapple juice & water I'd taken several hours after the oil, to try and rehydrate a bit and take the olive oil taste away.
2. The next morning my skin really smelt. Not like I've ever smelt it before, and very unusual. Definite "uh oh, time for a shower" stuff. I'd guess I was detoxing stuff out through my pores too.
3. As mentioned above, I kept forgetting to switch the light on, so didn't really get to have a quick look & see how it went in terms of stones, but once most of the action was gone & things had calmed down a bit I did remember to switch it on, and the next couple of visits saw many things like that looked exactly the size, colour & shape of peas, floating in the bowl.
4. The first couple of visits were pretty unusual, and definitely felt like I was clearing some large bulbous things. No way in hell was I gonna go looking for them though!!

All in all, pretty much like giving birth to a litter of alien face-huggers.

So, for all the excitement, it looks like I did successfully clear SOMETHING(S) out of my system. Some people mention feeling incredible soon after. I must say I just feel worn out. Ahh, I don't think I'll be doing it again in any hurry though *cough*. Heh. Just... No.

Czech Tower Jumping

Climbers being a bit nuts is nothing new. Here's a good example:

Notice the complete lack of ropes? Yes, that's right. Any mistake and he's dead.

Oddly enough, this guy (Dan Osman) is now. But he died by doing a massive base jump - umm, without a parachute, just with a rope. He was one of those kinda guys, just pushing, pushing, pushing until there was nowhere left to go.

Anyway, turns out they're not that uncommon in the climbing world. Maybe adrenaline junkies, maybe just a low self-preservation index. Here are some Czech climbers, doing tower jumps:

Full story (and the video, if the above doesn't work) here

Ho boy, I feel so incredibly grounded & sane, by comparison. In bouldering we don't use ropes, but you specifically don't go high enough that a fall is going to damage you - and you always have someone underneath you to cushion the fall. It's about super intense, short distance climbing. Jumping off though? Ahh, that feels so unintuitive. Counterproductive. Contradictory. And I guess, perhaps, that's also part of the appeal.

How to Make Spirulina Tasty

Ok, so everyone knows spirulina is good for you. But so many brands taste like ass (uhh, ok, not exactly like ass).

What to do, what to do?

Well, I've finally found a way (other than the obvious, masking it in smoothies, with tons of fruit, or, you know, buying all the brands out there till you find one that's bearable)

Start like this:

That's cacao powder (on the left), maca (for a bit of kick), and spirulina on the right.

Mix it all up with some raw organic honey (ahh, it's debatably 'raw', but we'll let that slide), stir in a little water if you like, till it looks like this:

Black Gold! Four superfoods in every mouthful!

Now it LOOKS disgusting (but tastes sooo good), so let's make it look more appealing. How about this?

Aha! See, now it's a treat!

If you need some spirulina in a hurry, don't have time for a smoothie, running out the door to some serious exercise, this is a great way to get it in you fast. Just be sure to follow it with some water or juice - spirulina is so green it has a tendency to leave one with 'hulk teeth'.

The Dangers of Fasting

Having recently finished a 30 odd day juice feast/fast, followed by a 4 day water fast, there were a couple of things that deeply concerned me.

To be clear, I don't think these are procedural issues - that water or juice fasting are inherently bad - but rather things that, perhaps due to my personality, worried me. I suspect these may also be dangers for others.

Psychological
There is a lot of talk, if you look around, of people being on fasts, feeling clear, light, connected to everything, full of energy and so on.

The problem is - if you don't feel like that, it's very easy to start thinking "Maybe I'm doing something wrong?" This is a very dangerous & slippery road.

After a couple of weeks, I got it in my head that perhaps my digestive track still had too much crap in it, left over from bad diet earlier in life. As per "official recommendations", I was taking cascara sagrada (a low key natural laxative). In addition, I regularly drank psyllium and bentonite shakes (which help detox heavy metals, & generally cleans you out). It didn't help that I would "slip up" and occasionally eat something - this would then spiral into a cycle of "I need to clear that out" and "once it's gone, THEN I'll feel light", etc.

I never did feel that lightness (except when meditating). But the drive to empty my stomach? Isn't that anorexia?

My lifelong habit has been: I eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. I eat until I'm full, and then I stop. I don't stress about eating healthily, but I do make a point of avoiding rubbish as much as possible (excepting a very stressful period in my early 20's where I ate complete junk & generally treated myself & my life badly).

Since going raw, I've learnt a lot more about what is and isn't healthy, so those boundaries are moving (cooked food in general being less healthy than uncooked - whereas before I would eat, say, japanese because rice is more healthy than burgers), but the attitude remains. To eat healthy: think healthy; avoid rubbish; chill out.

I never get sick. I'm fit enough that I run half marathons every decade or so - I'm not a runner, and never run other than the half marathons, it just seems to work out that way (don't ask, I can't explain it. I get spontaneous). I always have tons of energy. These external indicators tell me that while my diet can definitely improve (& has been), generally it's working for me, and my behaviours are reasonably sound.

So, for someone like me to be exhibiting anorexic tendencies? That's VERY scary.

Physical
When I went on the water fast, I knew it would be rough.

Typically a water fast works like this. You eat nothing, but drink lots of water. Your body survives by using up (in order):

1. whatever food is still in your digestive tract
2. your fat cells (which is where you store toxins, so these then get released - this is desirable)
3. your muscles (a 10 day fast you'll lose maybe 0.5->1kg/1-2lb of muscle)
4. tissues from your internal organs, in reverse order of importance

Now, because I'd just been on a juice feast, I didn't have any food in my digestive tract. What little fat I'd had to start with had mostly disappeared. I went straight into hardcore exhaustion. I spent 4 days pretty much unable to get out of bed.

Remember also, I was still doing colonics every week. Now, if my intention in doing these was to empty my digestive tract, I'd be more concerned about this, but what they did do was both help me clear toxins out faster, and also remove long term build up (I won't get into details here). Plus, from a healing perspective I've found them.. surprisingly effective. Suffice to say, I don't think they, in themselves were a bad thing, and they probably saved me a lot of pain. However, the combination of all of these things (fast, colonics, laxatives, internal cleansers) did have side effects.

One of the things that made me realise that I didn't NEED to be fasting was the inimitable Dhrumil. That what I was seeking wouldn't be found "out there" or by chasing some ideal goal of (mental) lightness, (digestive) clarity, or anything. No, this was an internal game, and you only win by letting go.

The other thing that made me decide enough was enough was seeing this in the mirror:

That doesn't look so bad. What's scary is, this is me deliberately relaxing my stomach, and letting it expand out as much as it possibly can.

To give this some perspective. For 20 years, my weight has been between 57kg and 65kg (126-143 lb). This doesn't matter how much, or what I eat. My lifestyle. Whether I exercise once a year, or three times a day. I eat three dinners to try and gain weight, and it's gone in two days. If I hit 65 kg I know it's time to do some exercise. I walk a bit more and I'm back down to 62kg (my longterm average, +/- 1kg) in a week. I'm STABLE. I've given up trying to gain weight, since it doesn't look like that's going to happen.

Now, I don't have scales in the house - where's the point? But I did weigh myself at a friends, before I started the water fast, and I was down around 52kg. I only got lighter after that. What really scared me though? Was this (again, this is as far out as I could comfortably push my stomach):

That? That's unhealthy. And damn scary. And that was enough.

Food Processor - Inner City Styles

I'm seeing more & more recipes that need a food processor - but my kitchen is only big enough for midgets (or two regular people if one of them stands on the bench)

I already have a juicer & blender (that both see a lot of use). Between them they already take up half my bench space. I have room for a chopping block, and that's it. So what's a guy to do?

Well there's always a solution if you look hard enough, so how about this:

It's a coffee grinder (not that I drink coffee, but hey). There's a drinking coconut next to it for scale. It's TINY. Amusingly, once I got it home, the instructions explicitly said "Do NOT use this for nuts".. but hey, yah gotta try, right?

I figured cashews would be ok - they're softer than coffee beans. Sure enough, here's the result on a coarse grind:

That looks pretty damn good to me! Better yet was the result:

Melon, passionfruit, and cashew nut cream (cashew nuts + some chopped dates + water -> blender).

YUM!

Now true, it's really only going to work for small recipes - but I'm generally only uncooking for one, so it's pretty much the perfect compromise - at a fifth of the cost, and a tiny fraction of the space.

[Update: ha ha! So much for that clever idea. I blew the damn thing up the 4th time I used it *laugh* Got a bunch of nuts stuck underneath the blade, and all the magic blue smoke escaped. Doh!]

Recovering from a Juice Feast

First of all - a disclaimer. I ain't a juice feastin' expert. I can only talk about my own experience.

And so I shall!

Ok, some background - why did I do a juice feast in the first place? Spiritual clarity, essentially. In the process of weeding my emotional garden, I knew that the lighter my food intake, the more detoxing I'd do, the more things would come up, and the more I could heal. Did juice feasting help with this? Definitely.

Yes, I drank this much green juice.

Now, what did I do? I juice feasted - which means drinking at least 4L (4qt) of mainly vegetable juice, every day. I did this for 30 something days. After that, I went straight into a water fast (hey! why not? In for a penny, in for a pound!).

While I was doing the juice feast, I had colonics every week (more on those later) - which helped enormously, btw. Did I manage to just drink juice the entire time? No, I "screwed up" on several occasions. Oh, I also drank psyllium & bentonite shakes several times daily for most of that time. Theoretically that should have helped clean me out. Did I notice anything? Not that I could tell. Between the shakes and sporadic eating, I suspect my digestive system never really got to the super calm, clear state that people talk about - but in terms of healing, ahhh, hehe, yeah, it was plenty intense enough, thankyouverymuch.

So, what have I learned coming off the feast?

1. It's VERY easy to overeat.
Even though I'm not 100% my digestive system ever completely switched off, I find pretty much every time I eat that my stomach is hurting afterwards. I never ate much to start with, but I think I'm going to have to start making half portions - ie, about half the size of a child's meal.

2. It's VERY easy to underdrink.
Normally I drink 4-5L (4-5qt) of water a day. I have a big glass, and I just sip it throughout the day. When juicing, I'd drink maybe 2L of water a day, but 4L of juice. Take the juice away, and it's been hard to remind myself to start upping the water again. This has, of course, messed up my ability to digest food (I've been more clogged up than I would be on water).

3. The "6 day feast breaking" is wayyyyy too short.
I've been off for two weeks now, and my body is still freaking out every time I eat anything. It's not over after 6 days, that's just the beginning of the adjustment.

4. You're going to be drinking juice for much longer than time+6 days.
When I finished, I was all with the "Thank God!! I am SO sick of juice!!". Ahhh, famous last words. It's not just the feast breaking time, but also with a shrunken stomach, so reduced food intake, where will your nutrients come from? Juicing is still the easiest way to get them - without messing up your system. Psychologically this has been realllly tough for me to realise & accept. Must. Keep. Juicing.

5. Hard food is bad.
Even two weeks later, I can feel that my body is not ready for hard to digest food. Eg, I'll juice celery, but I haven't put it in my salads yet. I'll blend (small amounts of soft) nuts, but not eat them raw, and so on.

6. Your tastes will change, drastically.
I just threw out all the toxic stuff in my house. I had a mouthful of something that had stabilizers, emulsifiers etc and instantly felt ill. Now I'm someone with a concrete stomach lining, so this is pretty unusual. Also, things that I used to like are just too sweet for me now. Kale, I can't get enough of (never used to be able to stand it). Wuhhh.. what just happened?

7. The healing hasn't stopped.
Several issues *cough*likethisone*cough* have continued to bubble up as I've been transitioning. I figured everything would just halt, but noooo, still more to go, food-in-my-belly or not

8. Pace yourself!
All those things you've been missing while on the juice? Ahhh, pace yourself. Think, as Kristen points out in terms of a couple of different things a week. Don't do what I did, which was have all those things I'd missed in one day. *OW*. Yeah, it's stupid, I figured that (eventually). I like to learn experientially. Thanks though.

All that said, it's great to be back eating again. I've missed textures. I've missed subtle combinations of flavours (instead of everything-blurred-together-soup). Oh, and I've missed body fat. Holy crap I need some - it's winter here!! What was I thinking?

Food is not Love - but Love is food

Going on a 30 something day juice feast totally kicked my ass.

I admit it. I was miserable pretty much the entire time.

Worse though was afterwards. I decided to finish by going from juice onto a 4 day water fast (which was easier, oddly). That was ok. However, once the transition back to normal food was done (the usual 6+ day gradual dietary speedup), things have gone completely bonkers.

I've eaten more junk than I have in years. Today alone I had four meals, and another meal's worth of snacking. I've eaten until my stomach hurts, and then kept eating (and been doing this for days). To give this a little perspective, I normally eat only one or two small meals a day. I have a fast metabolism, but don't need much food to keep me going.

And this whole time, I've been trying to figure out what's going on. I've thrown all my usual healing tools (EFT, reiki, releasing, etc) at it, to no avail.

The fasting was tough, true. Having my partner out of town on business for the last two months hasn't been easy either (particularly since the previous two years we spent pretty much 24/7 together). But still, this was insane!

What the hell has been happening?

Well, I think I just found out. The inimitable Dhrumil pointed me to a quote from Mama S, of Give It To Me Raw:

Food is not Love

You know what? I read that and immediately burst out crying. I didn't stop for five minutes. In fact, I think I cried more & deeper than the whole time I was fasting - and considering what a wreck I was most of the time, that's saying something. I released/healed a ton of stuff while I was crying, and now? Well, it's odd, but the urge to eat seems to have disappeared.

A lot more things make sense too.

I grew up in a large, not particularly well off family. Mum didn't necessarily have as much time to spend with each of us as if we'd had a smaller family, & we may not have been able to keep up with the Jones (literally, they had a really nice car & a great computer), but we always ate well. It was one key way that Mum expressed her love for us, through food.

I think, at some level, I picked up on that, and solidified it as a core internal belief. A connection.

It maybe also explains why the juicing was so hard for me - if I was denying myself solid food - but interpreting that as denying myself love? Yowser!

and yet, oddly, the reverse IS true:

Love is Food

Love is the deepest nourishment of all. All beings instinctively crave it, from the second they're born. And what is love anyway, but energy? So why the appeal of raw food? It has more energy, more love. At some level, whether we're aware of it or not, our bodies know this, we feel it. The closer the food is to living, the closer it is to loving. It really is that simple.

Or at least, having cried my lungs out half the evening, that's how I feel about it right now.. And that sure beats eating myself into pain.