This is one of the reasons I've come back to live with my folks for a while. I'd got about as far as I easily could peering into my own navel. Much easier to look at them to see what else is there in me. As the old saying goes: "If you think you're enlightened, spend a weekend with your parents." So far, it's been about six months and boy, I've grown lots. Ha ha. Oh boy. Yes.

What I've started to realise over the last couple of days is something of a corollary to the above truism.

What I want most from others is what I'm not giving myself.

For years, the thing that has made me the most angry is if I feel someone isn't listening to me — particularly if they're insistently asking me something, despite my attempts to explain.

The very few times (historically maybe twice a decade) I've got truly "red mist" angry, that's been the situation.

At some level, the reason it has had such a strong effect on me is simply because I feel I haven't been listening to myself.

Isn't it funny how it's ok for us to treat ourselves like shit, but if someone else does it, it's suddenly outrageously unacceptable?

So here's the interesting bit: what the hell does that even mean? "Not listening to myself?" I honestly have no idea. All I do know is, when I healed* on not listening to myself, I felt a huge rush of energy leaving and a great peace come over me. Now, if I think back to those times when I've been aggressively not-listened-to (ha ha, yes), I find the situations oddly amusing.

This, by the way, is great news.

Why? Because it shows you don't have to consciously understand what anything is about to heal it. You don't have to figure it out. Just let your subconscious sort it out. It is, after all, the part of you faffing about and being all stroppy in the first place. It's only fair it should pull its weight for once. Take that, inner child! Slobbing around on the sofa all day watching TV and eating cheerios!

Over the last couple of days, as a background task, every so often I've answered two questions:

• "What pisses me off (about others)?"
• "What do I really want (from others)?"

Often these are opposite sides of the same answer. It pisses me off when people don't respect me. I really want people to respect me. The reason for both of these? I'm not respecting myself. If I do that, well who cares what anyone else does? The craving for it disappears.

I want people to love me? (And frankly, who doesn't?) I'm just not loving myself.

I want people to listen to me? I'm not listening to myself.

I want people to value me? I'm not valuing myself.

This is such a stupidly simple thing, it sounds almost ridiculous to write down. All I know is, this has been incredibly helpful.

When I give myself what I want, I no longer crave it from others.

*Oh, and the silliest thing? How did I heal this? That's the easiest bit yet. More on this in a little while, but for now all you need to know is this:

1. I simply said: "I love that I don't listen to myself," while releasing all the energy, physical tension, emotional responses and thoughts that arose in response to saying that.
2. I mixed it up a little with "I love that I still  don't listen to myself."
3. I kept going until I felt peaceful.
   
4. I then plugged in the positive "I love that I listen to myself," "I love that I always listen to myself," "I love that I listen to myself completely." Again, releasing all resistance that came up.
5. I kept going till I felt peaceful and the positive statements felt true.

Really, I simply said whatever popped in my head, felt right and felt like it would push things a little further, a little deeper. I maybe tapped my karate chop point if I felt things needed amping up a notch.

If you really want to test if something's gone, see how you feel about someone else treating you in that way. Can you say out loud (for example) "I love [person close to you] not listening to me"?

That's all I did. It's all I needed to do. How could I not share something so elegantly powerful with you?

Since any mind map should ideally be about a single subject, if you want to clear a bunch of different subjects, each subject will require a different map.

So, unless we want to the spend the entire rest of our lives tapping frantically, instead of, well, living (*yawn* been there, done that. BORING), you need a fast way to hammer through these. Then you can head off happily to the pub (or wherever) with the freedom of knowing that whatever-it-was that had been bothering you is now a thing of the past.

OK. SO.

My general approach (as I outlined here) is to scribble out a map, then next to each item jot if it's about wanting or lacking Approval, Control or Security (or all three). Finally, I flick on the video & tap along, saying "I love that I lack control (etc) about.." (whatever the item is).

So, here's the trick to clearing a lot of these things quickly. First of all scribble out all your maps, one after the other. When you've finished that, then go through each item on each map & put it into a/c/s (or combos). Only when you've completely finished, go through & tap each map.

I find when I'm in that kind of flow, it's super easy to just flick from one map to the next, with barely a pause in between. Doing them one at a time took forever!

There's something about not needing to context switch (writing, assessing, tapping) back & forth that makes this way much, much faster than just doing each complete map one at a time.

Anyway, have fun clearing stuff out. I've been doing a ton of these over the last month or so & the difference it's made in terms of inner peace is almost ridiculous.

What I've learned recently is just how subtle this body/mind interaction is.

After 20 odd years of Aikido, this shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did.

In Aikido, we often sit in seiza. Basically, you kneel with your knees apart, your bum on your heels, back arched and head up.

This posture is well known across the universe.

Here's Spock doing it

(From this excellent site on Vulcan meditation. Ha ha, you think I'm kidding. Oh Internet, you have everything!)

The most important part of all this? The arched back. (Spock does it well)

If you prefer more beard, here's how it looks from the front:

Long white beard is optional. Grass, preferred. Katana, mandatory.

The basic Aikido pin looks like this:

Shake my hand would you, fool?

No, wait, like this:

No! You sit over *there*!

Ok ok, I'm joking around. It's actually like this:

See? There's that seiza again. And you thought we'd just been sitting like that coz we hated legs.

(a few minor corrections — most importantly knees apart will drop her centre more, but that's actually pretty good)

Now here's where the arched back comes in.

When you're on the receiving end (i.e. face down, eating grass) if the person doing the pins arches their back or not makes the difference between:

"Someone's leaning on my arm"

and

"My entire being is pinned to the centre of the earth by a large truck"

What's even more interesting is that when it's done correctly, zero effort is expended, and the person is not just squashing you as hard as they can — that's actually a weaker pin.

Now, out of the dojo, and back to real life.

Here's what I've noticed: When I'm healing, or hell, doing anything sitting down, if I sit just that little bit straighter, and yes, arch my back, everything goes much better and becomes extraordinarily easier.

Stuff that might have been tricky to drop or heal fall saway instantly.

I feel more in control of my code, my writing, my life. Things become… possible.

Everything.

The only thing I'm changing is maybe pushing my butt further back on the chair, and arching my back, very, very slightly. Of course, this pushes one's shoulders back and also tends to raise the head slightly — but really, it's just a little back arch.

Such a subtle shift, such huge effect.

The basic gist goes like this: Most issues (particularly core or long-held beliefs) are like little spiderwebs. There are lots of things tied in around them — both positive & negative (ie, both attachments and aversions).

So, to clear out anything significant:

1. Get yourself in a chilled space
2. Focus on the issue
3. Do a mindmap of everything that pops into mind around it (negative and positive), no matter how trivial
4. Tap it out (bitch!) starting from the outside and working your way in

Earlier this week, I discovered a neat way to amp that up, and really clear things out, super powerfully. Huge thanks to Leslie for this one.

In short, watch the vid (fullscreen is best), tap along, but focus on your mindmap.

The great thing is, the words David is saying are all aimed at letting stuff go, so even though you may be focussing your attention on something that's been difficult to shift in the past, he (more or less) programs your brain to just chuck it out. Because your conscious attention is on your issue, his verbal instructions side step your resistance. It's sneaky but awesome.

He also focuses pretty heavily on sending positive energy to you (the viewer) as you're watching. Whether you believe that or not really doesn't matter. What he's doing works.

Interestingly, the exercise also becomes something of an EFT/Releasing hybrid. You're tapping, but really, you're just letting go of it all.

Perhaps as a result, I've found myself shifting stuff super fast with this.

Simple stick with each item on your map, continue tapping along until it feels clear and you're not bothered by it any more (you feel hootless!). Then move to the next item, working your way from the outside in.

Once you've watched the whole video once, you can prolly skip forward to 03:55, that's where the tapping really starts. Thus, from there to the end of the tapping is only about 8 minutes. So yes, you can do two sessions in quarter of an hour. Amazing. I've managed to clear full page mindmaps, with more than 40 items on them, down the point where none of it bothers me any more in one single viewing/tapping session.

Also interestingly, while I've been tapping for, wow, maybe 5 years now (and anywhere from 5–50 things a day, pretty much every day), it's pretty rare that I have strong physical reactions any more. Except when I've been using this approach. Doing this, pretty much every time I end up over-heating like crazy, in tears, snotty-nosed and/or burping loudly (yes, delightful I know). These are all signs that it's going super deep & really ripping stuff (lovingly!) out.

Over the last few days I've managed to clear out a ton of super deep programs (negative beliefs). Fear of failure, fear of success, a ton of stuff about women (amazed I've ever had a date, with all that junk floating around in my noodle), being not good enough, not worthy, a ton of stuff around money, you name it.

I feel different. I'm thinking differently. The world feels different than it did even a few days ago. The efficacy of this technique is simply mindblowing, in terms of bang-per-minute spent.

If you have a particularly chunky map, or something that feels like there's a lot to it, it's a good idea to give it another bash the next day. Create a brand new map and then tap on that. You'll be amazed how different successive maps become, as you wade down through the layers, clearing out the accumulated detritus of life. I did three maps on women (ie, intimate relationships) three days running, and there was basically zero overlap between any of them. Amazing!

How To

Here's an example (one I did). You can see that really, you're just brain dumping, in a semi-structured way. Just scribble (or draw) stuff down in any manner that feels useful to you. There's no right or wrong approach.

click for an easier to read (ie, large) version

The primary advantage, I think, of writing it all down is that it frees up space in your brain to focus on the one specific tiny subsection you're working on, at any one time. Of course, this is something that the Getting Things Done crowd have known forever. Empty brain = easier to be mindful & focused.

Some suggestions to get started (if they resonate with you):

• I must suffer
• Life is hard
• I don't deserve to be happy
• Women (or Men, if you're female)
• Your partner (if you have one)
• Family
• Parents
• Making money
• Having money

Just take it from there. Don't be afraid to do them on seemingly trivial issues too. I've found & removed some super deep, super hardcore life stuff when the map itself started with an utter triviality. Everything is connected, you'll be amazed what pops up.

Extra For Experts
Since everything comes back to either wanting (ie, lacking) Control, Safety or Approval, try writing a note next to each item on your map (I just jot down –C, –A or –S), then, rather than focusing so much on the specific issue, focus on letting go of wanting/lacking Control, Safety or Approval about that issue. Things don't have to be only one of course, they can be any combination or all three.Once you've cleared the A/C/S, then tap/release on the issue itself (usually by then this will have already gone).

Doing this is more intense, and slightly more work while you get used to it, but really does seem to clear deeper, and faster. An additional benefit is that it more thoroughly clears you out in general, since letting go of a little wanting control in one area lets go of it from everywhere in your life, and so on.

Once you've worked all the way in to the centre on any specific branch of the map, then quickly scan back out to the edge again. This'll pick up anything that may not have cleared completely.

Of course, this can be a very hard concept to accept as truth. However, in order to get out of being a victim, it's helpful to just go with this for the moment.

(Yes, this is a very confrontational post. Bear with me.)

Basically, every step we can take towards having complete power over our lives is one step away from being a victim (where we have none).

Regarding any specific situation, it's critical to remember:

1. It's already happened. We can't change the past. So, the best thing we can do is accept what's happened, and let it go. Ie, get peaceful about it.
2. For better or worse, the myriad of tiny decisions you made up until that point is why you were there. ie, you put yourself there. Often it's impossible to see the exact chain of cause-and-effect, but you created that situation, if nothing else then just by being present (athough there's always a lot more going on than just that).
3. Accepting the past does not mean choosing to create the same situation in the future

Remember, this isn't about blaming yourself, this is about accepting the past & letting it go. It's also about realising the true power we have. Once we accept the past, we can move on and make better decisions in the future. Have better beliefs and self-image. Create a better existence.

How to drop victimhood

Think about something terrible that's happened to you. Just start with whatever pops in your head.

Then say (as always, preferably out loud if possible):

• (describe the situation)
• I created this (or to save time, just "I created [describe situation]")
• I accept it.
• I accept myself.
• I love you Si (or your name, if you're not called Si).

As you're doing this, you may feel a lot of energy come up. It's very likely that part of you will be screaming as loudly as it possibly can "NO NO NO, I DID NOT, I WILL NOT. I DON'T." This is completely normal — and in fact, why we're doing this — to bring all that resistance to the surface & let it out, harmlessly and safely.

You may feel tension or clutching in your body, shortness of breath, etc. Just let it all go. Relax that part of your body and let all the energy out. Keep cycling through the above four statements until you feel completely at peace about the issue.

Some tips:

• If it's hard to say "I accept it" (which, oh boy, is understandable), try "I choose to accept it." Again, this reasserts your power.
  
• If it feels like there's still some ickiness around the subject, try amping the statements up:
  • I accept all of this
  • I accept every part of this
  • I accept myself completely
  • I love you anyway

(you get the idea)

Basically, just say these variations & let go (ie, accept) everything that comes up, until you feel super calm. Estimated time per subject? Oh, typically less than 20 seconds.

What do I feel a victim about?

Where to start? Here are some suggestions:

• Any feelings of inadequacy towards your parents
• Any situations where you felt "not good enough"
• Any situations where you compared unfavourably to friends
• Any strongly negative judgements (eg, feeling like a loser, a failure, etc — any of those deep dark criticisms)
• Big life mistakes (particularly those around relationships, or money)
• Traumatic events where you felt you had no power or control
• Anything you want to change about your life

Basically, any memory you have that you hate the hell out of; makes you feel crappy every time you think of it; you wish were different. Just go with whatever pops in your head, your intuition will guide you.

It's ok to address multiple aspects of a given relationship separately. Some people have very major (read: traumatic) roles in our lives, often spanning decades.

Why bother?

The whole intent here is to simply accept the past for what it is — done & dusted. The peace this brings is incredibly freeing. It also has the benefit of stopping you continuing to create these things in your life.

Why? Well have you ever noticed how we tend to cycle — have the same crappy things happen to us, until we finally learn our lesson? Yes, well this is one powerful way of breaking those cycles. Think about it, when you learn a lesson, you relax & accept it, right? So think of this as a shortcut. This is how you unwind karma and free yourself from those patterns.

When you're truly peaceful about something that's happened, you're also truly free — you can choose to create it again, or create something completely new. You don't have emotional detritus pulling at you. You regain your true power. You stop feeling like a victim.

The other thing to realise is — even though we may not be consciously aware of it, our subconscious is constantly churning over all this noise. The amount of peace we bring ourselves by pulling all this junk to the surface, accepting it & finally letting it go… well, you'll just have to try it for yourself. Words really cannot do this justice.

Finally, with big issues it's often helpful (and easier) to take smaller steps. Acceptance is one such super useful step towards fully loving every aspect of your life.

We are, indeed, icebergs.

So, while intellectually we know things to be true: we want to be happy, loving, at peace; in reality our lives are often far different.

The difficulty comes in finding & removing those inner impulses. The resistance & fears we hold so deeply hidden.

A lot of the time, particularly with things we deem traumatic, our ego/mind will deliberately hide things from us. I've experienced this over and over. I heal on something (at the conscious level), and only after it's healed am I able to see what's truly been going on underneath.

Other times, I heal something (and definitely feel it leave) and yet I never ever get to see what it was. Simply that it was there before, and now it's gone.

So how do we address something we can't see, can't identify and often can't even detect?

As always, simply looking at our lives shows us what we most want in the world. Not consciously, a lot of the time, but at our deepest levels.

Why Our Subconscious is a tricky bugger

Why would we ever want pain, ugliness and hurt? Because of these deeper impulses. It's often our ego trying to protect us from some greater fear or hurt. Regardless, this desire for safety (approval or control) or this fear, is more powerful than our conscious beliefs hence the (perhaps undesirable) reality we're experiencing.

About here is where we normally get into difficulties, for three main reasons:

1. At a conscious level, it's very difficult to accept that (for example) "I want this pain"
2. What's going on is below our level of awareness (we can't even see it)
3. We've had this 'thing' for so long we've started to identify with it (it's become part of us)

In general, getting into trying to figure something out is an exercise in futility and frustration.

So if we say, for example, "I want this pain" we'll get immediate internal reactions "No I don't!", "Why would I want this?" and possibly even "This is who I am!"

A super simple way to neatly side step all of these issues is to instead say "some part of me wants this pain" or "some part of me believes.." Just tailor the statements to describe your situation, as usual.

In other words, to whatever phrase you'd use if you were tapping (the 'movie title' describing your problem), just add "some part of me" to the front of it.

I find tapping the karate chop point (side of hand) really helps bring things to the surface (so they're easier to drop). It's like tuning a radio into the issue. Often even that isn't needed though. Just acknowledging that deeper part of yourself is enough to bring it up so you can let it go.

By saying that it is part of us, but not all of us, our ego doesn't get all tied up trying to defend us with denials, or hide the feelings. It also sidesteps issues that have been part of our lives for so long they feel like they're an inescapable part of who we are.

All this is the consciousness equivalent of saying "I have a sore finger" (ie "a part of me is sore"). It's trivial to accept that as truth, versus, say, the more blanket statement "I am sore."

To clear things out

What I've discovered is that for issues where normally I'd require rounds and rounds of EFT, or a hardcore releasing session, by saying "A part of me" I can often drop the issue completely in only a few seconds.

So, what I recommend is this:

1. Set the intent that you're going to let go of anything that comes up
2. Tap your karate chop point (Hong Kong Phooey gives a good demo here. Parking your car in a dumpster is optional)
3. Ideally say the phrases out loud — it just makes it more concrete (this isn't mandatory, it just helps)
4. Say "Some part of me…" (then briefly describe what you're dealing with. Keep it super short. Trust your subconscious)
5. Let go of any tension or clutching that arises (whether physical, mental or emotional)
6. When that feels clear, follow up with "Some part of me still…" (same description, & release)

Seems complicated, but only because I'm outlining it in detail. It's really only one step — tap your hand while saying "some part of me is blergh" (or whatever) and let it all go.

Simple. And by a huge margin the fastest and most thorough way I've found to clear out deep, sticky issues.

I still use full rounds of EFT if I really want to take a baseball bat to something. I still use releasing (taking things back to wanting approval, control or security & letting them go) as a way to simply and quickly improve all areas of my life. For anywhere I'm feeling stuck, or can't immediately sense what's going on? This is now my goto tool.

The logic of this is reasonably straight forward. Our brains don't understand negatives particularly well. This is why when you drive a car, you look where you want to go, not at the thing you're trying to avoid (coz you'll veer towards it).

Thus, whatever you're thinking about you tend to create more of. It doesn't matter too much if it's a positive (I like that) or negative (I hate that) thought.

Of course, this is one of the core benefits of releasing (or EFT). As your mind lets go of circling things you hate, those things tend to fall away from your life.

If your feelings towards something are purely loving, you lose that obsessive mental grip that things we dislike have. We lose those recurring negative thoughts.  Therefore, we stop drawing those things we dislike to us.

So where do you draw the line?

It's very simple. Every thought and emotion in your life is either loving or nonloving.

Simplifying like this keeps everything very, very clear.

It also removes the need to try and figure anything out (which just gets our ego/brain involved — never helping). It stop us getting tied up in definitions ("Am I angry, miffed, annoyed, irritated or just antsy?"). It cuts short the spiral into obsessive thought patterns.

I'm usually not a fan of dichotomous (either/or) thinking, but in this case it's actually very helpful. Simple is good.

So, if that thought or emotion is loving? Great. If it's non-loving? Say "I love you" & let it go. Remember "I love you"? Arguably the core of the four most powerful phrases in English.

So what's the best way of going about this? Well, here's what I've found so far. And when I say "best" I mean most thorough, permanent & quickest.

The Approach

Generally speaking, when you think about something you dislike (have non-loving feelings towards), there will be a physical sensation (a clutching or tension) that goes with it. This usually appears in our stomach or chest. Why does this happen? Simply because our energy, emotions, bodies and minds are all part of one holistic system. Nothing operates independently.

As you continue to think of that thing, if you say "I love you" you can simply open an imaginary door over your stomach or chest (where the tension is) and let that energy out.

This works best especially when you don't feel loving, because that will bring these contrary feelings to the surface even more vividly. Keep saying "I love you" and letting it out, and the clutching will disappear altogether.

People

Relationships are the core of our lives. "No man is an island" and all that guff. Ideally, you'd feel loving towards every person in your life. Why? Because then any time you think about anybody, you'll feel great! How awesome would that be? It's a trick question. The answer is very.

Start with the people you have the most nonloving feelings for. Why? Because you'll gain the most by changing those feelings to ones of love. Why would you want to love someone who's currently driving you mad? Simple. Because the negative thoughts & feelings you're harbouring are only hurting one person: You.

You're not doing any of this for that other person. You're doing this for you.

Also, be sure to get around to loving your family at some point, since they're the ones with whom we have the most complex emotional relationships.

So, what to do:

1. Imagine each person in front of you.
2. Say "I love you" to that picture you're holding of them.
3. Let go of all tension, feelings & thoughts that arise (remember, you are the boss here, not the thoughts or feelings)
4. Repeat until all the clutching is gone, and you genuinely feel loving towards that person

Of course, no person is one dimensional. So go through every non-loving event that happened with that person (just whatever pops into your mind). Remember the situation, what they said, etc. Keep circling it in your mind, all the while saying "I love you" & releasing all thoughts and feelings that come up, until you feel 100% loving about that situation with that person.

It may seem like this will take forever, but once you get into the swing of it, it goes faster and faster. I've waded through 20 year relationships in a half an hour while wandering around town. The reason it gets easier is because as you continue you're becoming more and more loving towards them. That energy builds up, so stuff drops away ever quicker.

Events

Sometimes events may not necessarily be about a specific person. That's ok too.

As described above, imagine the event in as much clarity as you can. Let the feelings come up. Say "I love you" to the event; to the feelings, and let them go. Repeat until you feel nothing but love for the situation.

A good test is if you can emphatically and honestly declare "I am so happy that happened." Repeat until you can.

Ourselves

Everybody dislikes their body. Or aspects of their bodies. There's always something. So, just think about each part of your body in turn, say "I love you" to it, and let all the resentment, dislike and ugliness we've been carrying around dissipate. Yes, this may take a while, but remember, you've probably been carrying those nonloving feelings around most of your life. Be patient with yourself.

Unsurprisingly by now, keep going until you feel loving about every single part of yourself. You'll be amazed how much better you'll feel about the world in general when you feel completely loving towards yourself.

Abstract Concepts

By this I mean "anything that's hard to picture in your mind". For example, "being lazy" or "feeling unmotivated."

With these, a slightly different approach is helpful. Rather than saying "I love you" — because it's hard to connect with it — just ask yourself "Can I let 'it' go?" Don't let your brain get all tied up in knots over what "it" is. What you're trying to do. How it's working or any of that.

Just ask, and answer (particularly if you're feeling adamantly opposed) "Yes." Keep asking "Can I let 'it' go?" and keep answering "Yes."

Just saying "yes" has power. All the power you need. It puts you into a state of courageousness, since you're making a decision, a choice. You just saying that you're letting it go is enough to send that energy, that tension flying out of your body.

Keep saying "yes!" and you'll feel it all lift off and away.

As always, keep it simple. Our brains like to complicate things, but it never helps.

What to do if you get stuck

If you get stuck with saying "I love you", or you feel like it's not shifting out, there are a couple of things you can do.

1. Physically tap yourself over the spot where you're feeling the clutching. That'll shake up the energy & help it shift out.
2. If you're saying "I love you", then try mixing it up with some "Can I let this go?" "Yes!". That brings your inner power into play.
3. If you've been doing all this in your head, try saying it out loud (& forcefully). A lot of times that verbalisation helps connect us much more strongly.
4. Try injecting the word "still" or "all", for example "I still love you", or "can I let all of this go?" Don't save any little bits for later.
5. If you're into it, feel free to draw down as much energy as you like from the universe to amp your "I love you"s the hell up. (Just imagine a bright white light coming down into your head then into whatever you're dealing with, that'll do the trick)
6. Experiment. Play with it. Find what works best for you.

How to say "I Love You"

Ha ha, you think I'm kidding. No, I'm serious.

I've talked about saying "I love you" in the past. Back then, I figured being super light hearted was the best appraoch. Having a light heart is great, but I've since learned there are ways to take that light heart and really amp up the power.

For a start, you want to make sure you're in a good mood before you start any of this. Good posture, a good night's sleep, water & food will help with this, obviously. Your body is your temple (and so on).

There are three specific energetic states that are ideal to aim for.

• Courageousness (simply sitting up straight and emphatically repeating "Yes" will get you into this state pretty quickly)
• Acceptance (a state of "it is what it is". Saying that to everything in your life/mind & letting go of everything else will get you here)
• Peace (a state of knowing. To quote The Matrix, "Don't Think you are, Know you are." This is a state of being — rather than thinking, worrying and so on)

Any of these states is ideal. Peace is the most powerful. That's when you're fully connected to your true power. Meditation will get you there. I have to be in that state to experience my best, most loving Aikido. Peace is the flow state.

So. Now you're in that high, calm, place. Then start thinking about events, people and yourself.

When you're saying "I love you", say it calmly, with all the attention & inner conviction you can muster. Or, if you want to, shout it with all the enthusiasm and outer conviction you can muster; that's great too. The critical thing is just that the more you can manage to mean it, the more powerfully it will sweep all that garbage out of you.

How do you achieve that when part of you is screaming "No, no fucking way, I do not love them"?

Remember how you are not your mind, you're not your body, you're not your emotions? This is where you show them all who's boss. Just by answering "Yes" (when your mind is screaming "No"), you take control. You are the boss. So just say it.

Saying "Yes" is just a choice. Saying "I love you" is just a choice. The more you say it, the more true it will become, as everything non-loving disappears.

It really is that simple. Force yourself to say it. Keep saying it. You know what will happen? Your ego will wail, complain, bitch & moan (as usual).. and then, it'll all start to fade. We live on automatic so much, letting our emotions and thoughts push us around, so it's easy to forget who's really in charge.

Remember, you're doing this for you, not for anyone else. You're doing it so you feel better. With that in mind, just force yourself to say (out loud if that helps) "I love you." Then simply let all that internal noise, the physical tension, the emotional crap just float out of you.

Why bother?

The reason we (occasionally) feel crap is very simple. We have crappy thoughts, and crappy emotions. Let go of them, replace them with loving thoughts and emotions and what will happen? That's right, we'll stop feeling crappy. We'll just feel loving, all the time. Or at the very least, a hell of a lot more of the time.

As an added bonus, the people around you will notice. Maybe not consciously, but you will see their behaviour towards you change as you shift to only ever having loving thoughts and feelings towards them.

Why do you think people have pets? Because everybody craves unconditional love, and animals give it. People respond to this, at an incredibly deep level.

How much easier will it be to do your work, go about your day, to live, if all you have are loving feelings towards everything?

Incredibly easy. Happy. Effortless. Exactly the way life is supposed to be, we just plop out on this plane and forget. So now's the time to remember. I love you.

In essence, procrastination is the end result of us having an aversion (or several) to the task at hand.

If you let go of all of those aversions, well, there'll be nothing to stop you doing it, right?

Ok, so there are several ways to do this (aren't there always?) however, the easiest one is this:

Just say "YES" (out loud, preferably).

Sales people have known this for years. If they can get a potential customer saying yes, about anything — the weather, the colour of their shoes, it doesn't matter — it puts them into a decisive, powerful state of mind (aka a state of courageousness). A state of mind where one more yes is easy.

Don't believe me? Check Amazon — ten thousand books with 'Yes' in the title. All about persuading people, making a sale, negotiating and so on.

The thing with procrastination is you're really trying to sell yourself.

Pic by Megan Elizabeth Ann

So. Even if you don't believe it (and you won't, otherwise you'd be doing the task already) just say Yes. Then, release any tension you feel and let go of any thoughts or emotions that come up. Those are the specific aversions that are keeping you procrastinating.

In order to dig up all the aversions you have, simply ask a bunch of questions around the subject. Anything you think might bring up a reason not to do the task:

• Can I do this? YES
• Is it going to be easy? YES
• Will I complete it quickly? YES
• Will it be painless? YES
• Can I start it now? YES
• Can I get it finished? YES
• Am I able to do it? YES
• Will I do this? YES
• Will I do this, NOW? YES

Hit every area you can think of. If you feel internal tension rising ("Wah wah, of course it's gonna suck!") then stick with that question, repeat it, saying yes each time (& letting go of every tension/emotion/thought) until you feel clear, and yes feels right.

If in doubt, keep coming back to "Can I do this?" and "Will I do this, NOW?" — those two will tap right into whatever it is that's holding you back.

I've only just started playing with this, but holy crap, how could I not share this with you guys immediately?!?! Give it a shot, I think you'll be as amazed as I have been.

Note that I didn't say I don't watch TV. I and everyone I know does.

TV is everywhere these days: your phone; the internet; public spaces;  download & watch it on your computer. The only real changes are the increased ease of time shifting (choosing when we watch), placeshifting (where we watch), and largely optional advertising.

Is TV Relaxing?

Yes, but not in the way you'd expect.

Robert Kubey and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi did a study which appeared in Scientific American in 2002^[1]. Participants carried a beeper which beeped several times a day and when it did, they wrote down what they were doing and how they were feeling.

When beeped while watching TV, people recorded feeling relaxed and passive. What was surprising was that the relaxation ended as soon as the TV was switched off, but the feelings of passivity and lowered alertness continued.

Additionally, the participants had more trouble concentrating after viewing than before, and EEG studies showed less mental stimulation (identified by increased alpha brain wave production) while watching TV. Neither occurrences happened as a result of plain old reading.

In other words, we associate "watching TV" with "being relaxed" (so we do relax), but after we finish watching we can't concentrate, feel sluggish, and become as stressed (or more so) than before.

Despite all this, of course, we keep on watching.

pic by claudia-ann

IS TV ADDICTIVE?

Substance dependence is defined (very roughly, it's a big subject) as: spending a lot of time using the substance; tendency to increase the dose (using more than you planned); a psychological or physical dependence on the effects of the substance; a desire to continue using the substance for the sense of improved well-being it creates; giving up social, family or work activities to use it; experiencing withdrawal symptoms when you stop using it.^[1]

Not all addictions are chemical, of course. Any behavior that leads to a pleasurable experience will be repeated, especially if that behavior requires little effort. The psychological term for this is  "positive reinforcement."

Two experiments were conducted^[2] where people were asked to stop watching television. In the first, South African families agreed to switch off for a month. The poorest family gave up after a week, others suffered from depression, saying they "felt like they had lost a friend." In the second, 182 West Germans agreed to avoid TV for a year (with the added bonus of payment). None lasted more than six months, and all of the participants showed increased anxiety, frustration and depression. Yes, the exact symptoms of heroin withdrawal.

from Requiem for a Dream

HEROIN? WTF?

In order to understand television addiction, it's important to note what is happening inside our brains.

When you watch TV, brain activity switches from the left to the right hemisphere. How much? Research by Professor Herbert Krugman^[3] showed that the right hemisphere becomes twice as active as the left, an extreme neurological anomaly.

The crossover from left to right releases a surge of endorphins, which include beta-endorphins (pain numbing) and enkephalins. Endorphins are structurally identical to opium and its derivatives (morphine, codeine, heroin, etc.). Activities that release endorphins (also called opioid peptides) are usually habit-forming. External opiates act on the same receptor sites (opioid receptors) as endorphins, so there is little difference between the two.

Just like any addiction, people regularly overestimate their control over television watching. When people estimate how much TV they watch, their guesses are usually far lower than the reality.

HYPNOSIS? WTF?

There are further implications of the left-to-right hemisphere blood flow effect.

Further research by Krugman revealed that our brain’s left hemisphere, which processes information logically and analytically, tunes out while we are watching television. The left hemisphere is the critical region for organizing, analyzing, and judging incoming data^[4]. This tuning-out allows the right hemisphere of our brain, which processes information emotionally and uncritically, to function unimpeded.

In other words, we switch off our critical thinking abilities and just absorb anything thrown at us. We watch emotionally, not intelligently.

Further to this, psychophysiologist Thomas Mulholland found that after just 30 seconds of watching television the brain begins to produce alpha waves, which indicates torpid (almost comatose) rates of activity. Alpha brain waves are associated with unfocused, overly receptive states of consciousness (as with the left-to-right hemisphere shift). High frequency alpha waves do not normally occur when the eyes are open. In fact, Mulholland’s research implies that watching television is neurologically analogous to staring at a blank wall.^[6]

Production of alpha waves and the subsequent receptive state are also the goal of hypnotists. They're both present during the "light hypnotic" state used by hypno-therapists for suggestion therapy.

Of course, when this research came out the advertising industry jumped all over it. Marketers began designing commercials that were utterly irrational (since that part of the brain is switched off) but intended to implant moods that the consumer will then associate with a given product. Endorsements from athletes and celebrities are great for this.

pic by photo extremist

TV ISN'T REAL (BUT WE DON'T KNOW THAT)

Some other interesting things happen in the brain while we're watching television.

The higher brain regions (the midbrain/neo-cortex, ie "cognitive parts") are shut down, and most activity shifts to the lower brain regions (the limbic system, our "reptilian brain"). Our limbic system controls our very basic "fight or flight" response.

Researcher Jacob Jacoby found that, out of 2,700 people he tested, 90% misunderstood what they had watched on television only minutes before.^[5] That's what happens when our higher brain functions are switched off.

Furthermore, the limbic system can't tell the difference between something we're watching, and reality. Anything we see in front of us is real to our vestigial reptile brain. Identifying the difference between reality and fiction is a job performed by the neo-cortex (which is off, remember).

What it all means is this: With our neo-cortex out of the picture, our limbic system then reacts to TV as if it were real, and releases the appropriate fight/flight  hormones (with the concurrent stresses that places on the body). Add to that, longitudinal studies have shown that extended lower brain activity leads to higher brain atrophy. The more TV we watch, the poorer our cognitive brain functions.

In other words, too much TV makes us stupider and more emotionally reactive, more animalistic.

TV IS worse than you think

In summary: It's highly addictive, makes us docile (without actually relaxing us), stresses us as if we experience everything we see, makes it harder for us to concentrate and over time really does make us stupider.

I'm sure this is all of little surprise.

Will it stop me watching? Probably not (see also: opiate addict).

However, I sure as hell am going to be a lot more discriminatory in what I choose to watch. While I'm watching TV, my brain is passively absorbing 1800 pictures a minute (ie, 40,000 pictures in a half hour show, along with all the emotion). I like my brain, thank you, and would prefer more of a say over what's inside it.

As a starting point, I'm going to stop watching visual media (except in social situations — don't need to become a pariah) for at least a month. It should be an interesting mini-experiment.

references

[1] Kubey, R. & Csikszentmihalyi, M. 'Television addiction is no mere metaphor', Scientific American, February 2002 [abstract] [pdf]
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[2] "Millions Addicted To The Box" Eastern Province Herald, South Africa. 23 Oct 1975. [no online doc available]
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[3] Krugman, Herbert E. ‘Brain Wave Measures of Media Involvement’, Journal of Advertising Research, 1971; 11.1, 3–9 [pdf] [online doc]
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[4] Gazzaniga, M.S. 'The Split Brain Revisited', Scientific American, special edition, July 1998; 12 (1) 27–31 [pdf]
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[5] Jacoby, Jacob & Hoyer, Wayne D. `Viewer Miscomprehension of Televised Communication: Selected Findings', Advertising & Society Review — Volume 1, Issue 1, 2000 [abstract] [online doc]
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[6] T.Mulholland. The concept of attention and the electroencephalographic alpha rhythm. In Attention in Neurophysiology, eds C. Evans and T.Mulholland. London, Butterworths, 1969, 100–127. [no online doc available]
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I realised (wild generalisation alert!), there are two primary ways I use the internet:

1. To waste time
2. To find information

and, of course, a few secondary ways:

• To build, create, produce, expand (eg, write a blog post, build a business, send love to people)
• To communicate
• To provide services to others

Sites like Facebook, Twitter etc are built on communication — but even there, most of the time we're really just doing something because it fills in time. I.e., we're firmly in category 1.

The time-wasting sites are easy to spot. We go there when we're trying to avoid or escape from something else (drudgery, unpleasant tasks, boring work). We look up and the next thing we know, hours have passed. We have slightly more information in our head, sure, but it's of dubious benefit.

The question underneath all this is simple: Are we expanding or contracting our life? Are we producing or consuming?

If all we're doing is consuming, that's a contraction. We're not adding anything to the world and generally, we're actually disconnecting from the people & things around us. Trite chit-chat is no substitute for a heart felt conversation.

If we're producing something, that's an expansion. We're adding value to the world.

If we're using the internet as a conscious tool, then it's working for us. If all we're doing is wasting time? Really, we're working for it (and the pay rate is lousy)

Based on this, I've switched off access to my primary time waster sites (reddit, slashdot, hacker news, boing boing, kottke). As interesting as they are, it's time for me to more consciously choose what I put into my mind.

Minimise the external (and typically trivialising) influence, maximise my internal choice.