A feeling of dread? Ennui? Listlessness? Dissatisfaction? Lack of contentment? A dark heavy cloud hiding at the edge of my awareness?

I really don't know.

And that, in a nutshell, is exactly the problem.

How do you let go of something that's a combination of dozens of little factors, most of which are well below the level of consciousness? Something that has become so much a part of ourselves that we can no longer see it?

I don't think I'm alone in these feelings. If I were, there'd be far fewer middle aged guys with sports cars. Far fewer teenagers hurting themselves.

So here's what I've learned.

There's two parts to what's going on in our noggin.

The stuff we can see (or hear) — those hyper-critical inner voices — and the stuff we can't. No no, that's not the bit I've learned. That's just the intro. Stick with me here.

The stuff we can see

This is (relatively) easy to dump.

To clear this, you can simply ask yourself questions and go with whatever pops up. Just love it & let it go. Super simple.

So, any emotion or feeling you can think of that's non-loving, go with that. Whatever feels right. Whatever resonates. Whatever seems to get results.

Some examples:

I love that part of me that:

• regrets…
• has disappointment myself by..
• feels let down by…
• is never good enough…
• is never good enough for… (mum, dad, partner, boss)
• will never be good enough for…
• wants…
• wants control of…
• wants safety from…
• wants approval from…
• resents…
• hates…
• still hates…
• hates myself…
• is unhappy that…
• will never be happy until…
• wants to change…
• doesn't want to change…
• is still sad about…
• is still upset about…
• feels let down by…
• is nervous about…
• worries about..
• always worries…
• doesn't believe I can…
• is hesitant about…
• won't let me be happy…
• is afraid of…
• is bored of…
• is ashamed of…
• is embarrased by…

You can see — all we're doing here is going for any non-loving emotion that we think might be even slightly related to the darkness. If something resonates, great! We can let it go. If it doesn't, no problem, just move on to the next.

I went through maybe another 40 or 50 phrases — just anything that popped in my head. You get the idea, you don't need to be spoon-fed.

How To Release It

Simply get quiet, say the phrase (for example) "I love the part of me that will never be good enough for…" and let your mind fill in the gap. Let go of any tension that arises — just love it & let it go. Keep saying it (in your mind or out loud, doesn't matter) until you feel calm & peaceful about the phrase.

This is also one of the reasons that writing morning pages works so well. Morning pages (or stream-of-consciousness writing) simply entails sitting down somewhere relatively quiet, and writing down everything that pops in your head. It gets all those voices out in front of you, out into the light of day.

As a bonus, it's also great practice writing.

Often just acknowledging that these thoughts exist is enough to see through them to the truth and effortlessly let them go.

THE STUFF WE CAN'T SEE

No big surprise, this stuff is a little trickier to release.

So how do you get rid of something you can't see?

Well, here's the trick. Much like with dreams our subconscious is communicating with us.

Working logically though it:

1. If whatever-it-is isn't affecting our lives, then it's not a problem.
2. If it is affecting our lives, then even if we don't know why or what it's about, we can describe that effect.
3. Since our subconscious is the one hiding the root cause from us, we can let it do the work, let it connect backwards from our description of the effect to the root itself.

If we want to heal dreams, we work on them as if they're reality. Why? Because it's the clearest way to communicate back with our subconscious — in exactly the language it's using to communicate with us.

So, do exactly the same thing here.

Be as explicit and specific as you can, but don't worry for a second about anything below what you can see.

If you get a deep cloying feeling every Monday morning, then go with that. Same as above, just say "I love having a deep cloying feeling every Monday morning." Repeat this, letting go of all emotional, mental, physical tension that arises, until you feel at peace.

If you don't get any resonance (despite having the feeling), try amping the language up a bit. "I completely love.." "I deeply love.." "I love everything about…" etc. Just go with your gut.

The more you listen to your intuition, the more you'll realise it has all the answers you'll ever need.

Don't worry if your description might sound ridiculous to anyone else. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you.

If the thought of spending time with your inlaws makes you feel purple and violent, then "I love feeling purple and violent when I see my inlaws" is perfect. Once you feel peaceful saying that, of course, you can step it up even further "I love spending time with my inlaws." Ha ha. Good luck. You'll be awesome. It'll be gone in minutes (or faster).

Obviously this will bring up a lot of tension, but that's exactly the point. All those feelings are coming up to leave. They're just feelings, nothing more. There's no need to react to them or be afraid of them. Just send them love, welcome them up and let them go.

So, just keep paying attention, describing whatever you're feeling as accurately as you can and then releasing it.

Nothing wrong with a little mindfulness.

Don't be surprised if you get radically different descriptions every time you come back to it. Typically (and particularly with the stuff that our subconscious is hiding from us) larger or more immediate issues will mask smaller or older ones.

That's ok. You're an onion. Peel away a layer and what's below it? Yep. Just another layer. It beats being a potato (just kidding Mr Potato Head).

The sign that you're making progress is when stuff that used to bother you doesn't in the slightest any more. You couldn't care less about it, or it just seems funny now.

If your visual description of what you're feeling no longer resonates for you, that's because it's gone. If the descriptions are changing, that's because you're working down through the layers.

It is, as they say, all good.

I know if I look back at my life, I've had a definite dark layer to my existence, bubbling along beneath everything else.

Historically I've masked or escaped from it — with alcohol, caffeine, sex or bursts of flat-out enthusiasm. I can look back now and see that it's cost me relationships, "You're down and nothing I do gets through to you."

That's kinda crap.

Over the last month or so, I've worked my way through all of the above; First the visible then the hidden stuff below that, and I can feel with absolute certainty that something has left my life.

Something big, something dark. Somethings (plural).

Life just seems.. lighter somehow. Easier. Less overwhelming. Less threatening. Less difficult. More fun.

What's gone? Well… I really don't know.

And that, in a nutshell, is exactly the point.

I don't need to know. I never needed to, and really, who cares? It's gone and I feel great.

The basic problem is judgement. As soon as our brain screams "This guy doesn't deserve love" or "Yes he does!" then voila, it's no longer unconditional.

Yes, even deciding someone does deserve love is not unconditional.

But ok, let's back up a bit. Why the hell bother with love anyway?

Several reasons:

1. Being loving is the highest, happiest place we can be
2. It's healthiest for us
3. It's the best for those around us (i.e., those we care about)

Check it: think of someone you really like. Now imagine them in front of you, while you're being the nicest you possibly can be. You're doing something they enjoy, saying something they adore hearing, and they're happy happy happy. How do you feel? That's right. Unbelievable.

Now true, there's definitely an endorphin kick to improving someone else's life (philanthropists aren't in it just for the tax breaks), but the real secret is that it feels great to be loving. Even more so than being loved. Now that is a surprise.

Based on modern media, you'd think the happiest you could ever be is when someone (preferably on a horse, wearing armour, maybe holding their lance) loves you.. but it's quite possible for someone to love the hell out of you while you remain stubbornly miserable. Trust me, I've been there (uhh, sorry, ex-girlfriends).

Why do you think limerance, those early stages of a new relationship, feels so great? It's not just because someone is flattering us (while forgiving our *cough* more human aspects). It's because we're being unconditionally loving (ie the same) to them.

Not only that, but as our new lover holds a mirror to the best parts of us, we are unconditionally loving towards ourselves. For a brief moment all the self-criticism pauses and we are truly self-loving.

Being loving is peaceful, happy and it's zero stress. It enhances our health and makes us a hell of a lot nicer to be around. Perfectly desirable, you might say.

On the flipside, non-loving feelings feel crappy, and who wants that?

Keeping Our Brain Out Of It

Since being loving feels so great, why wouldn't we want to feel it all the time? So how do you love consistently, without the ol' lizard brain jumping in the way?

The trick is to make the decision to always love. Then keep reminding yourself as often as possible. This way you never have to make another "Does this person deserve love?" type decision. If your default response is to always love, you never need to think. It keeps your brain out of the picture altogether.

Now, I'm not usually a fan of either-or thinking, but in the case of love it's useful.

Every thought or feeling can be easily divided into loving or non-loving. If it's non-loving, we can simply let it go (I'll explain how in a bit) and replace it with the opposite, loving feeling.

It's the kind of assessment you can do without going via your brain: Loving is super easy to see; non-loving is everything else.

Keeping our brains out of it is critical. It stops us tying ourselves up in knots. Ye olde Keep It Simple, Sexy.

Getting Started

Best of all, it really doesn't matter if you suck at being loving — or if you feel you've never experienced love. Every time you let go of a non-loving thought & decide to be (more) loving, things get a teensy bit better. It's just a practice. Every step you take is a step in the right direction. It gets much, much easier the more you do it.

Oh, and you can always try (I did, with great success) "I love that I suck at loving", "I love that I can't (feel) love" and so on. Whatever feels right to you; It all helps.

As an end goal, if it was possible to be loving all the time about everything (spoiler: it is), then you'd feel great every second of every day, no matter what happened around you.

To start with, even feeling great for a moment is better than not, so it's totally worth trying. You find joy on the journey and every step towards that goal gets more joyful, and easier.

Of course, if you consciously want to feel crappy about something, this may not be the approach for you.. but that's ok too. Everyone chooses their own path.

"I Am Loving" vs "I Love"

Now, what I'm talking about is being in a state of loving. Ideally always, but every second helps.

English is a little tricky here, since when we say "I love cheese" we're talking about our attitude towards cheese. "I am loving cheese" indicates a state of being. It's a subtle difference, but an important one. Unfortunately, "I am loving" is a far more passive sentence, so it's less useful in practical terms, but I'll get to that in a bit.

The short version is this: it's quite feasible to say "I am loving about this" while holding onto non-loving feelings. Remember "love the sinner, hate the sin" (and other hypocrasies)? Yeah, that.

So even though we're aiming for "I am loving cheese", it's most powerful to say "I love cheese." Uhh, or other, you know, not-cheese stuff.

How To Do It

Right. Enough of the chit-chat, how do you do this?

It's very simple. You remember how to let things go, right? (hint: just choose to.) You're the boss. Every voice that pops up "Wahh, I can't because.." well, they're wrong. Persistent, convincing, LOUD, yes, but wrong. You're the boss. Just keep reasserting yourself, and bit-by-bit you will reclaim your inner power.

Now, think of something you hate. Something that bugs the hell out of you, really tickles your monkey. Now say (out loud, preferably.. and tapping your karate chop point, if you feel like an extra boost):

"I love (whatever it is)"

Feel the tension rising up? Getting pissed off? Brain screaming loudly "No, I don't love it, because.…[insert whatever bullshit reasons here]."

Yeah well, guess what, that bullshit coming up is not describing the issue, it is the issue. Letting go of those thoughts & feelings is what matters. That's the paradox, the crux of it all. You let go of those feelings and voila:

a) it doesn't matter whether the external situation continues or not, and

b) half the time the damn thing will disappear anyway.

Crap sticks around until we learn what we need to, then it moves on.

Love is the strongest positive emotion, so invoking that is guaranteed to bring up all opposing thoughts & feelings.

Just keep saying it and keep letting go until it's all gone and you feel loving. That's it.

You're The Boss Of You, Always

This whole thing is about re-asserting your authority. You're the boss, of your thoughts and of your feelings. You're choosing to love, so that's the end of it. Keep choosing it, keep letting go, and all that crap will disappear, leaving you peaceful and happy. The more you do it, the happier you'll be.

You're the boss, remember. If you choose to love something, even if you've hated it your whole life, well, that's the way it's gonna be from now.

Also, remember, you're doing this for you, not for (what or whomever it is).

Say someone's really hurt you. Ok, well, that sucks, sure. But listen, you feeling crappy about it now is only hurting you. Continuing to feel non-loving about it is only harming who? Yes, you. So, choosing to be loving is choosing to feel better about it. It's deciding that you are the boss of how you feel.. and whomever it was that hurt you doesn't have the power to continue making you feel bad now.

You are the boss of you, not them.

When you first do this, it may seem like the toughest thing in the world to say "I love (this terrible thing)" but you'll get the hang of it. Just stick in there. Keep reminding yourself: You're the boss.

A lot of times, just setting the intention is all that's needed, and those non-loving feelings will dissipate in seconds. Yes, seconds. Sometimes with messier stuff you might need to sit with it a bit, or come back to it the next day. Maybe if it's really overwhelming throw some EFT at it, but the key is to aim for feeling genuinely loving about it.

That's all there is to it. It's just a choice. Like choosing to lift your arm. Seriously.

So, for all the screaming our brain does — really it's all bullshit. It's our amygdala, our lizard brain trying to frighten us, telling us we have to freak out or we'll die.

It's always bullshit. You choose how you feel.

This doesn't mean you have to put yourself in harm's way. You can safely cross a road, but it's not necessary to do it quivering in fear with tears streaming down your face. Get in a loving space first, and no matter how scary the road used to be, you'll be optimally placed to cross it in a way that is most loving for you and everyone else involved.

Yes, it can take a little practice, but that's ok. What's the potential downside? You stay feeling as crappy as you do now about that situation. Not much of a risk.

Loving The Big Stuff

In terms of getting started, you'll get the biggest bang-for-your-buck by starting with the stuff that pisses you off the most. That'll shift the most detritus, and having you feeling better the soonest.

Note above what I was saying about the subtle distinction between "I am loving" (the desired end state) and "I love this" (the most effective thing to say).

Now, there are many terrible things people do to each other, so let's Godwin this discussion right away: What about Hitler?

11 to 17 million people killed. Jews, gypsies, blacks, Poles, Soviets, Jehovah's Witnesses, homosexuals, the disabled… all slaughtered in cold blood. How could we possibly love that? Wow, in fact, as I write this, even thinking "I love Hitler" is bringing up emotion, and I was born 30 years after he died.

Here's the point: Even if I was in a position to do something about Hitler, I can do it from a loving place, or a nonloving place. Guess which is better, more powerful, will yield optimal results? Yep, that's right.

Just ask Gandhi, he kicked the British Empire out of India. They had all the guns but he had all the love.

So, the reason we're saying (in this ridiculous example) "I love Hitler," is because what we're doing is bringing up every single contrary thought and emotion, no matter how deep.

"I love (whatever)" is the single most powerful statement for pulling up this junk and clearing the subconscious.

The intent here is to get to a state of unconditional loving.

• Does this mean we have to agree with what happened? No, of course not.
• Are we doing it for their benefit? No, we're doing it for ourselves, so we feel better.
• Will it all disappear at once? Not necessarily, but every step closer is better for you.
• Does this mean we will put ourselves in harm's way? Of course not.

Becoming loving doesn't mean that by some magical transference we suddenly lose 50 IQ points.

Quite the opposite. When we're cleared of muddying emotional reactions, we're no longer reacting like amoeba — stimulus-response, stimulus-response. Being loving brings clarity.

(Now, since we're all little energetic sending & receiving stations, ultimately it will affect the other party too, but that's a whole other conversation)

Additionally, in order to get to that loving place, we will clear out all the pain, anger and emotional trauma we've built up around the situation — whether real or imagined (and our imaginations are terrible things when it comes to self-torture after a traumatic event).

Let's say you have a crappy relationship with someone at work. Do you really believe they don't know you're pissed off? We're a lot more sensitive than we realise, even if we can't always identify why. Getting into a state of loving about that person helps you. It makes your life better, regardless of their (mis)behaviour. Additionally, how assholish do you think they're going to be if you do genuinely love them? Ha ha, really not. They'll pick up on that too.

As surreal as this sounds, I've seen this several times in my life. People who've absolutely hated me, or even wanted to kill me (yes, I know!) — when I got into a place of pure loving towards them (which really just meant dropping all my antagonism) the situation naturally resolved itself, without me doing anything at all. They called saying they'd missed me, or out of the blue paid for a flight for me to go see them.. or, they just up and disappeared out my life altogether — and I don't just mean "leave" I mean, "move city" or "move country."

Never underestimate the power of love.

So, to get a damn good start, just work through all the stuff in your life that brings up non-loving feelings. Take 'em one at a time and just say "I love this", feeling as loving as you can manage and letting go of all internal tension. If you can't manage that, start with "I choose to love this." Persist. You'll get there.

How will you know what to start with? Easy. Whatever pops in your head. Don't save it till later, get in the habit of just doing it wherever you are, whenever. That way you'll be dropping stuff all day every day.

Non Loving Thoughts and Feelings

Now, non-loving thoughts can be a bit harder to identify than giant chunks of things-we-hate.

The subtle thing here is — how often do we think about something? Well, it's hard to know, isn't it. We have tens if not hundreds of thousands of thoughts a day but how many of those are we consciously aware of? Very, very few.

Tell you what though, the emotional payload that comes with these thoughts definitely affects us. Maybe only for a fraction of a second, but boy, it adds up.

So how do you get rid of stuff you can't even see?

Here's one neat way. Any time you have a non-loving thought, eg, "I suck at this", respond in four ways:

1. Let go of the thought (choose to stop thinking it, imagine it floating away, whatever works for you)
2. Repeat "I love the part of me that sucks at this", and release all tension
3. Repeat "I love sucking at this", and release all tension (ho ho, this is a goodie)
4. Finally, emphasise "I rock at this!", releasing all tension.

Do this till you feel great.

Note the subtle variations in two and three. Not just loving the thought, but also any beating yourself up that came with it.

The phrase "I love the part of me that…" is super helpful here. It helps dissociate yourself from whatever-it-is, just enough to help let things go.

The trick, as I said, is the unconditional bit. Leave judgement at the door, ignore the why or why not and do it for everyone and everything. Get out of your head and into your heart.

Additionally, don't worry too much about trying to figure any of it out. If you have an icky feeling, just say "I love this icky feeling" and let it go, without trying to nut out what it's about or why. It's much more effective.

I'm finding that often if I'm be feeling lethargic (say), I can spend a couple of hours trying to get to the bottom of why I'm lethargic and maybe figure it out. Alternatively, I can just say "I love that I'm feeling lethargic" and it floats away relatively effortlessly, without me ever having any idea what it was about. And really, if it's gone, then who cares why?

I've been doing this for the last couple of months now, and every day is getting better than the one before. There's a ton of related stuff I've discovered that ties into this but I'll cover that later. This is the core. Do this one simple thing (love everything) and you'll be amazed at how much better you feel, as you love all those non-loving thoughts & feelings away, and life gets exponentially better.

If you have trouble remembering the details, just do this: Any thought or feeling that arises, simply say "I love the part of me that…(whatever it is)" and let go of all tension that arises. Feelings come up because they want to leave. Repeat until you feel loving.

Give it a shot. See how you feel. Guaranteed you feel better, in exchange for almost no effort at all. How loving is that?

Well, you know, for crappy versions of 'inner peace.'

It's very easy to think we're at peace and have finally accepted something, when really we've accidentally slipped into apathy.

You might be peaceful, but you probably won't be happy.

All healing, growing or goals we have are only ever with one intent (if you look underneath it all): happiness.

So why is apathy an issue? Because we can't be deeply happy about something if we're feeling apathetic.

It's easy enough to tell if you're hanging out in apathy: simply pay attention to the attendant thoughts and feelings.

Apathy is surrounded by grief, disappointment, despair. Thoughts like:

• Why bother?
• There's no point anyway
• There's nothing I can do
• It's out of my hands
• I just don't care any more
• I'm powerless here

Acceptance has a very different feel. It's similarly neutral, but there's a core of love that surrounds it.

A good tip here is to watch for humour. If the situation feels gently amusing — and no, not sarcasm or black humour — regardless of how it goes then you're in acceptance.

In a nutshell, the difference between apathy and acceptance is the difference between giving up and letting go.

Of course, once you see the signs for apathy town you can easily move to acceptance by just letting go of those thoughts & replacing them with loving ones, as usual.

Just a little trap to watch out for on this occasionally tumultuous road to bliss.

Of course, Jesus also said "forget that old testament, honky, all you need is love." Jesus was way cool.

*cough* I may be paraphrasing a little.

The real problem is, there's judgement everywhere. Yep, even in the new testament. If even Jesus can't avoid it, what hope is there for us regular folk?

Growing up a Catholic, I've had a lot of time to think about the 10 commandments. Sure, don't murder, don't covet your neighbour's wife's ass, these all make sense. Frankly though? I think judgement is worse than all of them (except maybe the ass thing).

Why?

Because it's insidious. It colours everything we think and do. It worsens our life in ways that are far reaching but not immediately apparent.

When Shakespeare said "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so," this is what he was talking about. Judgement.

Oh, and did I mention it's insidious as all hell?

Even as we try to run away from judgement, we pull it closer to us. "Judgement is bad? Ok, I won't do that" — oh, wait, haven't we just judged judgement?

It's a tricky little bugger.

So, let's break it down a bit.

Why would judging something as "bad" be a bad thing (ha ha, circular logic alert!)

For a start, it makes us feel crappy.

Test it out. Think about something you believe is truly evil, vile, disgusting, abhorrent. Rush Limbaugh? Fish fingers and custard? Christmas shopping?

Feel better? No, of course not.

Additionally, any time we judge actions, behaviours, words or personalities as deficient, we pull our energy away from those involved. We hold ourselves back. Our negative judgement limits us. We can't be fully present, we can't be fully loving.

Ok, so let's say we choose to let go of negative judgement. Do we become a pollyanna? Should we just say "it's all good, bro" (hair flick)?

Well, not quite.

The even more subtle issue here is this: judging something as positive is problematic too.

Let's say we really like cake. Cake is great. Cake is always welcome. In other words, we've judged it as 'good'.

• If cake goes away? We'll get sad.
• If someone takes cake away from us, we'll resent them.
• If we can't get cake, we'll be angry, disappointed or jealous.
• When we don't have cake, we'll lust, or be needy.

Huh. All that just coz we like cake?

Well, there's nothing wrong with enjoying cake, while it's here. Sure. However, you can start to see why Buddha said "Desire is the root of evil."

Loving something is wanting more of it, hating it is wanting less of it. Two sides of the same "desire/wanting" coin.

Letting go of judgement takes us out of wanting.

If we love cake while it's here, but love its absence as deeply, well, then we can remain calm & centred regardless of the cakiness of the situation.

Someone takes cake away from us, we can deeply enjoy our lack-of-cakeness… we're becoming more svelte, we're eating healthier, our cholesteral is dropping and boy howdy, if we have cake again we're gonna really enjoy it.

There are so many benefits to not-cake.. provided we can stay in that place of not-judging.

Non judging is, in short, non attachment.

You know the old story. Farmer's horse runs away — ohhh, terrible luck! Maybe. Next day it brings back a herd of wild horses — ohhh, great luck! Maybe. His son tries to tame one, falls off & breaks a leg — ohhh, terrible luck! Maybe. Everyone is conscripted for battle, except his broken-legged-son — ohhh, great luck! Maybe.

At the root of peace is non attachment. At the root of non attachment is the letting go of judgement.

Right. Practically speaking, how do we do this?

Ahh, it's easier than you think. In fact, if you've read more than three posts on here you've probably already guessed. Uhh, unless the three were the one about horses, the one about snow and that post about cheese.

Just repeat to yourself "I love having cake" — and let go of all thoughts & feelings that arise, until you can say it and genuinely feel it.

If you're a life-long cake abolitionist, this may take some time. That's ok, no rush, there'll be plenty of cake tomorrow.

Next, repeat to yourself the opposite "I love having no cake" (or whatever phrase resonates most strongly for you). Keep repeating that and letting go until you feel genuinely loving about your not-cakeness.

That's all there is to it. As usual, love is the answer. Keep loving both sides till you feel great. When you feel great regardless, you'll do so because you are no longer judging.

Oh, it works for non-cakey things too.

Gratitude lists are super popular (yes, 60 million pages). It's very simple why — by focusing on what's good in your life, you attract more of it.

Ever start a morning, stub your toe, feel shitty, then suddenly everyone you meet seems to be in a shitty mood too?

Yeah, it's like that but in reverse. So you know, more fun, with less toe-stubbing.

As a bonus, the more sincerely you feel grateful for the positive things in your life, the more you genuinely connect with the present feeling of them — and well, the better you feel.

Giant "duh" there. This isn't rocket science.

Now, here's the caveat.

I've tried gratitude lists several times in the past. I'd wake up every morning, make a list of 5 (or 10) things I was grateful for, then get on with my day. I also tried at night, right before I went to sleep.

But for me? They never seemed to do, well, anything.

I didn't feel much better and my life didn't improve in any noticeable way.

If there's one thing I'm a stickler for, it's reproducibility.

I did try. Note the "several times", above. Bottom line though, if something isn't giving me significant, reproducible results, I throw it out.

Recently though, I've realised something.

There's quite a difference between being grateful for something, and appreciating it.

Here's where we get into the airy fairy bit.

If you've read back far enough, you'll know I've spent a lot of time working with energy. Healing, shifting stuff around, all sorts of bibs & bobs. Trouble is, a lot of this is experiential. I know what I've seen and done, but it starts to get a bit tricky since I often can't simply say "just do *this* and *that* will happen." There's a lot of background (& practice) required.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice. Simple, right? Yeah, exactly.

I try to keep stuff on here pretty concrete since me describing my experiences doesn't do much for you if you're in a very different place in your life. If you're in a similar place, well, you'll be seeing results like that anyway, so you won't need me telling you.

So, if I say "Energetically, 'appreciation' is much softer and closer feeling whereas 'gratitude' is more distanced with little energetic connectivity" — well, that's kinda hard to put into language that doesn't depend on my personal experiences. Put frankly, if you're not me (or energy weird like me) it's gonna sound like crap.

However, let's give it a shot. Just for fun.

Interestingly, just focusing on the words (in English) shows a lot.

Gratitude is quite a hard word (all those consonants). You could quite literally spit "I'm grateful for blah" at someone through angry teeth. Ha, I should know, I've done this, on particularly grumpy days.

Appreciation has all those soft rounded sounds.  Saying "I appreciate blah" is a much gentler experience.

Of course, the key question is — is this a factor of the experiential difference between these terms, or is it merely a linguistic difference in this particular language (English)?

Tough to say. What came first, the experience or the description?

A rose by any other name might smell as sweet, but if it didn't, would it have been named Rose in the first place?

Appreciating something feels (I warned you about this, right?) much closer, softer, more vulnerable, more open, more connected.

Gratitude ("I am grateful for..") feels more analytical, more distanced, more of a third party description.

So again, perhaps this is merely a linguistic difference. You don't say "I grateful" you say "I am grateful" — you're describing a personal state of being — passive.

When you say "I appreciate" — you're describing an action — active.

So maybe it's just that difference — the insertion of the verb "to be" in the sentence.

Maybe. What came first, the behaviour or the linguistic variation in methods of describing that behaviour?

What I've been trying to do is tease this all apart. Is there actually a difference between gratitude and appreciation, or does it just feel this way because of how English is structured?

Let's try and get the sentences as close as possible:

•     I am grateful for foo

•     I appreciate foo (no)
•     I am appreciating foo (not quite)
•     I am appreciative of foo

See, even then, the aural shape of the word "appreciative" softens the experience of saying it (particularly out loud). It's also interesting how many ways you can dance around appreciating something (or someone), and yet with gratitude you're forced to take a fixed position in time & space.

Interestingly, while we can say "I appreciate foo" (whomever foo is) there's no equivalent form for gratitude. You can't gratitude foo, you can't grateful foo. You're forced to be grateful, or express gratitude. It's always one word, one state of being more abstracted.

All this word-nerding aside, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.

If saying "I appreciate foo" feels better for you, more powerful, more connective, more useful then great, use that.

If you still reckon "I am grateful for foo" rocks your boat, well, do that instead.

As always, the trick is to find what's right and what works best for you.

For me, since I've been thinking about this, I've noticed that every day I'm finding more and more things I appreciate. Plus, better yet, I'm verbally acknowledging them — and feeling better for it. So really I'm doing gratitude lists all day every day — by appreciating instead.

It's working for me.

This is one of the reasons I've come back to live with my folks for a while. I'd got about as far as I easily could peering into my own navel. Much easier to look at them to see what else is there in me. As the old saying goes: "If you think you're enlightened, spend a weekend with your parents." So far, it's been about six months and boy, I've grown lots. Ha ha. Oh boy. Yes.

What I've started to realise over the last couple of days is something of a corollary to the above truism.

What I want most from others is what I'm not giving myself.

For years, the thing that has made me the most angry is if I feel someone isn't listening to me — particularly if they're insistently asking me something, despite my attempts to explain.

The very few times (historically maybe twice a decade) I've got truly "red mist" angry, that's been the situation.

At some level, the reason it has had such a strong effect on me is simply because I feel I haven't been listening to myself.

Isn't it funny how it's ok for us to treat ourselves like shit, but if someone else does it, it's suddenly outrageously unacceptable?

So here's the interesting bit: what the hell does that even mean? "Not listening to myself?" I honestly have no idea. All I do know is, when I healed* on not listening to myself, I felt a huge rush of energy leaving and a great peace come over me. Now, if I think back to those times when I've been aggressively not-listened-to (ha ha, yes), I find the situations oddly amusing.

This, by the way, is great news.

Why? Because it shows you don't have to consciously understand what anything is about to heal it. You don't have to figure it out. Just let your subconscious sort it out. It is, after all, the part of you faffing about and being all stroppy in the first place. It's only fair it should pull its weight for once. Take that, inner child! Slobbing around on the sofa all day watching TV and eating cheerios!

Over the last couple of days, as a background task, every so often I've answered two questions:

• "What pisses me off (about others)?"
• "What do I really want (from others)?"

Often these are opposite sides of the same answer. It pisses me off when people don't respect me. I really want people to respect me. The reason for both of these? I'm not respecting myself. If I do that, well who cares what anyone else does? The craving for it disappears.

I want people to love me? (And frankly, who doesn't?) I'm just not loving myself.

I want people to listen to me? I'm not listening to myself.

I want people to value me? I'm not valuing myself.

This is such a stupidly simple thing, it sounds almost ridiculous to write down. All I know is, this has been incredibly helpful.

When I give myself what I want, I no longer crave it from others.

*Oh, and the silliest thing? How did I heal this? That's the easiest bit yet. More on this in a little while, but for now all you need to know is this:

1. I simply said: "I love that I don't listen to myself," while releasing all the energy, physical tension, emotional responses and thoughts that arose in response to saying that.
2. I mixed it up a little with "I love that I still  don't listen to myself."
3. I kept going until I felt peaceful.
   
4. I then plugged in the positive "I love that I listen to myself," "I love that I always listen to myself," "I love that I listen to myself completely." Again, releasing all resistance that came up.
5. I kept going till I felt peaceful and the positive statements felt true.

Really, I simply said whatever popped in my head, felt right and felt like it would push things a little further, a little deeper. I maybe tapped my karate chop point if I felt things needed amping up a notch.

If you really want to test if something's gone, see how you feel about someone else treating you in that way. Can you say out loud (for example) "I love [person close to you] not listening to me"?

That's all I did. It's all I needed to do. How could I not share something so elegantly powerful with you?

Since any mind map should ideally be about a single subject, if you want to clear a bunch of different subjects, each subject will require a different map.

So, unless we want to the spend the entire rest of our lives tapping frantically, instead of, well, living (*yawn* been there, done that. BORING), you need a fast way to hammer through these. Then you can head off happily to the pub (or wherever) with the freedom of knowing that whatever-it-was that had been bothering you is now a thing of the past.

OK. SO.

My general approach (as I outlined here) is to scribble out a map, then next to each item jot if it's about wanting or lacking Approval, Control or Security (or all three). Finally, I flick on the video & tap along, saying "I love that I lack control (etc) about.." (whatever the item is).

So, here's the trick to clearing a lot of these things quickly. First of all scribble out all your maps, one after the other. When you've finished that, then go through each item on each map & put it into a/c/s (or combos). Only when you've completely finished, go through & tap each map.

I find when I'm in that kind of flow, it's super easy to just flick from one map to the next, with barely a pause in between. Doing them one at a time took forever!

There's something about not needing to context switch (writing, assessing, tapping) back & forth that makes this way much, much faster than just doing each complete map one at a time.

Anyway, have fun clearing stuff out. I've been doing a ton of these over the last month or so & the difference it's made in terms of inner peace is almost ridiculous.

What I've learned recently is just how subtle this body/mind interaction is.

After 20 odd years of Aikido, this shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did.

In Aikido, we often sit in seiza. Basically, you kneel with your knees apart, your bum on your heels, back arched and head up.

This posture is well known across the universe.

Here's Spock doing it

(From this excellent site on Vulcan meditation. Ha ha, you think I'm kidding. Oh Internet, you have everything!)

The most important part of all this? The arched back. (Spock does it well)

If you prefer more beard, here's how it looks from the front:

Long white beard is optional. Grass, preferred. Katana, mandatory.

The basic Aikido pin looks like this:

Shake my hand would you, fool?

No, wait, like this:

No! You sit over *there*!

Ok ok, I'm joking around. It's actually like this:

See? There's that seiza again. And you thought we'd just been sitting like that coz we hated legs.

(a few minor corrections — most importantly knees apart will drop her centre more, but that's actually pretty good)

Now here's where the arched back comes in.

When you're on the receiving end (i.e. face down, eating grass) if the person doing the pins arches their back or not makes the difference between:

"Someone's leaning on my arm"

and

"My entire being is pinned to the centre of the earth by a large truck"

What's even more interesting is that when it's done correctly, zero effort is expended, and the person is not just squashing you as hard as they can — that's actually a weaker pin.

Now, out of the dojo, and back to real life.

Here's what I've noticed: When I'm healing, or hell, doing anything sitting down, if I sit just that little bit straighter, and yes, arch my back, everything goes much better and becomes extraordinarily easier.

Stuff that might have been tricky to drop or heal fall saway instantly.

I feel more in control of my code, my writing, my life. Things become… possible.

Everything.

The only thing I'm changing is maybe pushing my butt further back on the chair, and arching my back, very, very slightly. Of course, this pushes one's shoulders back and also tends to raise the head slightly — but really, it's just a little back arch.

Such a subtle shift, such huge effect.

The basic gist goes like this: Most issues (particularly core or long-held beliefs) are like little spiderwebs. There are lots of things tied in around them — both positive & negative (ie, both attachments and aversions).

So, to clear out anything significant:

1. Get yourself in a chilled space
2. Focus on the issue
3. Do a mindmap of everything that pops into mind around it (negative and positive), no matter how trivial
4. Tap it out (bitch!) starting from the outside and working your way in

Earlier this week, I discovered a neat way to amp that up, and really clear things out, super powerfully. Huge thanks to Leslie for this one.

In short, watch the vid (fullscreen is best), tap along, but focus on your mindmap.

The great thing is, the words David is saying are all aimed at letting stuff go, so even though you may be focussing your attention on something that's been difficult to shift in the past, he (more or less) programs your brain to just chuck it out. Because your conscious attention is on your issue, his verbal instructions side step your resistance. It's sneaky but awesome.

He also focuses pretty heavily on sending positive energy to you (the viewer) as you're watching. Whether you believe that or not really doesn't matter. What he's doing works.

Interestingly, the exercise also becomes something of an EFT/Releasing hybrid. You're tapping, but really, you're just letting go of it all.

Perhaps as a result, I've found myself shifting stuff super fast with this.

Simple stick with each item on your map, continue tapping along until it feels clear and you're not bothered by it any more (you feel hootless!). Then move to the next item, working your way from the outside in.

Once you've watched the whole video once, you can prolly skip forward to 03:55, that's where the tapping really starts. Thus, from there to the end of the tapping is only about 8 minutes. So yes, you can do two sessions in quarter of an hour. Amazing. I've managed to clear full page mindmaps, with more than 40 items on them, down the point where none of it bothers me any more in one single viewing/tapping session.

Also interestingly, while I've been tapping for, wow, maybe 5 years now (and anywhere from 5–50 things a day, pretty much every day), it's pretty rare that I have strong physical reactions any more. Except when I've been using this approach. Doing this, pretty much every time I end up over-heating like crazy, in tears, snotty-nosed and/or burping loudly (yes, delightful I know). These are all signs that it's going super deep & really ripping stuff (lovingly!) out.

Over the last few days I've managed to clear out a ton of super deep programs (negative beliefs). Fear of failure, fear of success, a ton of stuff about women (amazed I've ever had a date, with all that junk floating around in my noodle), being not good enough, not worthy, a ton of stuff around money, you name it.

I feel different. I'm thinking differently. The world feels different than it did even a few days ago. The efficacy of this technique is simply mindblowing, in terms of bang-per-minute spent.

If you have a particularly chunky map, or something that feels like there's a lot to it, it's a good idea to give it another bash the next day. Create a brand new map and then tap on that. You'll be amazed how different successive maps become, as you wade down through the layers, clearing out the accumulated detritus of life. I did three maps on women (ie, intimate relationships) three days running, and there was basically zero overlap between any of them. Amazing!

How To

Here's an example (one I did). You can see that really, you're just brain dumping, in a semi-structured way. Just scribble (or draw) stuff down in any manner that feels useful to you. There's no right or wrong approach.

click for an easier to read (ie, large) version

The primary advantage, I think, of writing it all down is that it frees up space in your brain to focus on the one specific tiny subsection you're working on, at any one time. Of course, this is something that the Getting Things Done crowd have known forever. Empty brain = easier to be mindful & focused.

Some suggestions to get started (if they resonate with you):

• I must suffer
• Life is hard
• I don't deserve to be happy
• Women (or Men, if you're female)
• Your partner (if you have one)
• Family
• Parents
• Making money
• Having money

Just take it from there. Don't be afraid to do them on seemingly trivial issues too. I've found & removed some super deep, super hardcore life stuff when the map itself started with an utter triviality. Everything is connected, you'll be amazed what pops up.

Extra For Experts
Since everything comes back to either wanting (ie, lacking) Control, Safety or Approval, try writing a note next to each item on your map (I just jot down –C, –A or –S), then, rather than focusing so much on the specific issue, focus on letting go of wanting/lacking Control, Safety or Approval about that issue. Things don't have to be only one of course, they can be any combination or all three.Once you've cleared the A/C/S, then tap/release on the issue itself (usually by then this will have already gone).

Doing this is more intense, and slightly more work while you get used to it, but really does seem to clear deeper, and faster. An additional benefit is that it more thoroughly clears you out in general, since letting go of a little wanting control in one area lets go of it from everywhere in your life, and so on.

Once you've worked all the way in to the centre on any specific branch of the map, then quickly scan back out to the edge again. This'll pick up anything that may not have cleared completely.

Of course, this can be a very hard concept to accept as truth. However, in order to get out of being a victim, it's helpful to just go with this for the moment.

(Yes, this is a very confrontational post. Bear with me.)

Basically, every step we can take towards having complete power over our lives is one step away from being a victim (where we have none).

Regarding any specific situation, it's critical to remember:

1. It's already happened. We can't change the past. So, the best thing we can do is accept what's happened, and let it go. Ie, get peaceful about it.
2. For better or worse, the myriad of tiny decisions you made up until that point is why you were there. ie, you put yourself there. Often it's impossible to see the exact chain of cause-and-effect, but you created that situation, if nothing else then just by being present (athough there's always a lot more going on than just that).
3. Accepting the past does not mean choosing to create the same situation in the future

Remember, this isn't about blaming yourself, this is about accepting the past & letting it go. It's also about realising the true power we have. Once we accept the past, we can move on and make better decisions in the future. Have better beliefs and self-image. Create a better existence.

How to drop victimhood

Think about something terrible that's happened to you. Just start with whatever pops in your head.

Then say (as always, preferably out loud if possible):

• (describe the situation)
• I created this (or to save time, just "I created [describe situation]")
• I accept it.
• I accept myself.
• I love you Si (or your name, if you're not called Si).

As you're doing this, you may feel a lot of energy come up. It's very likely that part of you will be screaming as loudly as it possibly can "NO NO NO, I DID NOT, I WILL NOT. I DON'T." This is completely normal — and in fact, why we're doing this — to bring all that resistance to the surface & let it out, harmlessly and safely.

You may feel tension or clutching in your body, shortness of breath, etc. Just let it all go. Relax that part of your body and let all the energy out. Keep cycling through the above four statements until you feel completely at peace about the issue.

Some tips:

• If it's hard to say "I accept it" (which, oh boy, is understandable), try "I choose to accept it." Again, this reasserts your power.
  
• If it feels like there's still some ickiness around the subject, try amping the statements up:
  • I accept all of this
  • I accept every part of this
  • I accept myself completely
  • I love you anyway

(you get the idea)

Basically, just say these variations & let go (ie, accept) everything that comes up, until you feel super calm. Estimated time per subject? Oh, typically less than 20 seconds.

What do I feel a victim about?

Where to start? Here are some suggestions:

• Any feelings of inadequacy towards your parents
• Any situations where you felt "not good enough"
• Any situations where you compared unfavourably to friends
• Any strongly negative judgements (eg, feeling like a loser, a failure, etc — any of those deep dark criticisms)
• Big life mistakes (particularly those around relationships, or money)
• Traumatic events where you felt you had no power or control
• Anything you want to change about your life

Basically, any memory you have that you hate the hell out of; makes you feel crappy every time you think of it; you wish were different. Just go with whatever pops in your head, your intuition will guide you.

It's ok to address multiple aspects of a given relationship separately. Some people have very major (read: traumatic) roles in our lives, often spanning decades.

Why bother?

The whole intent here is to simply accept the past for what it is — done & dusted. The peace this brings is incredibly freeing. It also has the benefit of stopping you continuing to create these things in your life.

Why? Well have you ever noticed how we tend to cycle — have the same crappy things happen to us, until we finally learn our lesson? Yes, well this is one powerful way of breaking those cycles. Think about it, when you learn a lesson, you relax & accept it, right? So think of this as a shortcut. This is how you unwind karma and free yourself from those patterns.

When you're truly peaceful about something that's happened, you're also truly free — you can choose to create it again, or create something completely new. You don't have emotional detritus pulling at you. You regain your true power. You stop feeling like a victim.

The other thing to realise is — even though we may not be consciously aware of it, our subconscious is constantly churning over all this noise. The amount of peace we bring ourselves by pulling all this junk to the surface, accepting it & finally letting it go… well, you'll just have to try it for yourself. Words really cannot do this justice.

Finally, with big issues it's often helpful (and easier) to take smaller steps. Acceptance is one such super useful step towards fully loving every aspect of your life.