The Moments That Define Us

Now, from a title like that, you may be thinking I'm talking about those lifetime events that mark our place in history - ala Bill Gates selling DOS to IBM, or Lawn Chair Larry.

No, I'm talking about the moments that define our character, and as a result, ultimately us as human beings.

It breaks down like this. Anyone can be magnanimous, compassionate or loving in good times. What truly defines us is how we behave when things go wrong.

That's right, when something or someone pisses us off. The neighbour runs over our dog, our girlfriend runs off with a leper or someone just doesn't quite behave the way we want them to (which is really a control issue on our part, but I digress).

I once heard the definition of maturity as "The difference in time between our emotional & rational responses to a situation."

That's succinct, but I don't necessarily believe that what's rational is always what's best.

Is it rational to be unconditionally loving towards someone that is treating you like shit? No, but it sure as hell is the fastest way to defuse the situation. See also: Gandhi. It worked out pretty well for him, except for, you know, right at the end.

A less succinct but more accurate definition might be "The difference in time between our fear & love based responses to a situation."

As we get more mature, our love based responses get closer & closer to the surface, and that time delay between fear & love gets ever shorter until it disappears altogether.

For example, I know when I was younger, kids screaming or leaving mess everywhere used to drive me mad. I mean, really crazy. Growing up as the oldest of eight might have done that to me. Heh. These days though, I watch myself, & my first reaction is just "Is it happy screaming? Ok, that's cool." As for mess, well, they're kids. You gently guide & provide a consistent example over a period of years, & eventually they'll sort it out, but there's no rush, they've got a ton of other learning to do too.

This is where those minor daily upsets are actually a good thing. They provide feedback in two ways:

1. Are we still instinctively reacting badly?
2. How long is it taking us to calm down afterwards?

The first tells us whether we still have more healing/growing to do in this area, while the second is a quantifiable measure of the progress that we're making.

This doesn't mean I think you should welcome bad/upsetting events into your life, but given that these sorts of things tend to happen anyway, why not take advantage of them?

Ultimately, it's this ongoing collection of upsetting or unexpected situations & our reactions to them. That's what defines us as people.

As we grow & improve, these things bother us less & less.. & we become better people.

I guarantee you one thing. If you can remain positive & loving when everything is falling apart around you, you're going to be incredible when times are good.

Anger is Stupid

Two interesting things happened to me this week.

The first, let's call "Event X", was that someone made me very, very angry. There's no value in getting into the specifics, but I've wracked my brain & been unable to come up with a worse thing that anyone has ever done to me. There probably is, I just can't remember it, so let's put it in the top three.

The second, let's call "Event Y", was that I made someone else very, very angry. Again, little value in the specifics - except to say that it was very definitely not intentional on my part (but of course I'd say that! I'm the one telling this story!)

So, Event X. How did I react? Well, firstly, I don't get angry very often. Not really angry. Maybe once every few years. I can distinctly remember the last time it happened, & that was February 2002. I get aggrieved, frustrated, annoyed, miffed.. but not real, cold anger. All these things are happening less & less these days (thankfully), but I'm still human.

To start with, I was in shock. Plain, simple shock that such a terrible thing could be done to me. I then transitioned into serious, hardcore anger. I had a very brief flirt with thoughts of revenge - for less than a second - but where's the value? Then you just have two upset people. As Ghandhi put so eloquently put it "An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind."

Then followed about 5 or 10 minutes of loud swearing (I was home alone), some surprise, disappointment, disbelief, & then, as I let more & more of it go, peace. And action, lots of action, to sort it all out.

pic by urline

So, not ideal, yet. But, over it in a day or so tops. Over the worst of it in about half an hour. For me, that's a huge step forward. I'm happy with it. I'll keep working on it. It will improve.

Ok, let's leave that for the moment & move on to Event Y. Me making someone else angry.

I can't explain how the other person felt, except that they were still bitter & spewing unrequested vitriol in my direction several hours later.

Here's the funny thing though. This wasn't even anyone I know. I'd never met them before. Yes, a completely random internet stranger. Now, if I was going to be completely fair about it, I'd say I might have been a bit pushy. They might have been a bit careless - not paying as much attention as they could have been. Basically a very minor misunderstanding led to me doing something that they deemed utterly abhorrent. In my value system, it qualifies as "uhh, *shrug* so what?" but ok, everyone gets upset by different things.

Anyway, I could see that this person was in pain. They were screaming furious (sound familiar?) All over what to me was a simple misunderstanding, fixed with one click of a button. Them being upset didn't bother me particularly, I just thought, well, they should have paid more attention, & besides, it's such a minor thing, really, who cares?

But of course, different value systems - you can see where the misunderstanding might creep in.

The practical upshot was this - that person poured a ton of negative energy (bile, acid, stress) into their body for an extended period of time. Net effect on me? Basically zero.

Ok, so back to Event X.

Here's what I realised today.

This person had been threatening to do what they actually ended up doing for weeks. I just figured they wouldn't go through with it, so of course it was a huge shock when they did. However, if I'd actually listened to them, and taken action much earlier, I wouldn't even have noticed what they'd done. The effect on me would have been absolutely nothing. Less than nothing. Actually the outcome has been very positive.

So, hang on, I got that angry, for what? Not paying attention? Not acting on what I'd already been told. Basically, I got angry because they did what they said they would do. Because they were as good as their word.

Uh, what?!?

I know I got stressed. Probably shortened my lifespan in the process.

What a complete & utter waste of energy.

Carrie Fisher had a great quote about resentment - but the exact same thing applies to anger, so I'll paraphrase (Thanks Carrie, love your work!):

"Anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"

So true. So very, VERY true.

How To Be Confident

Confidence is a funny thing. It comes in two flavours. How confident other people believe you are, & how confident you feel internally. The two are related, but not necessarily linked. E.g., it's quite common that other people see us as more confident than we may actually feel.

So how do you go about becoming more confident?

Well, there's a bunch of physical attributes: head up, shoulders back, firm eye contact, firm handshake, steady voice. None of this is new or complicated. You can read more about it here & here.

Changing your posture does change your emotional state, so by all means do the physical stuff as well (it'll help how you feel), but I'm going to talk about working directly on the non-physical stuff.

Let's start with the easy side of things - how we're perceived externally. Other than posture, how do other people assess how confident we are?

By our speech. What we say, how we say it, the words we use.

I got to thinking about this when reading Jeannette Maw's excellent Good Vibe Blog. She was talking about wiping out wimpy words. Words that disempower us, make us sound wishy washy, limit us.

These are all words & phrases that will make us seems significantly less confident than we may actually be.

pic by nnn27

What are some examples?

• Hopefully
• Probably
• Should
• I suppose

So, my hypothesis is, if we stop using these kinds of words, we'll appear (externally) more confident.

Well, that sounds worth doing, but wait up a second. Before we rush into this, let's think a little.

Who do we talk to the most, out of all of the people in our lives?

Ourselves, of course.

For every time we say something out loud that makes us sound insecure, we're going to be saying the exact same thing to ourselves dozens if not hundreds of times.

Removing these words from our vocab will not only make us more confident to others, but will also make us notably more confident internally, when talking to ourselves.

As within, so without - maybe it's not quite so much of a surprise after all.

Of course, a healthy goal is to remove that nagging inner voice entirely (through meditation, releasing etc), but until we reach that noble pinnacle of enlightenment & inner peace, we still have to contend with our ego. Why not push things in our favour in the meantime?

What's a good way of removing (or at the very least drastically minimising) specific words & phrases from our vocabulary? Well, the tool I've found best for this task is EFT. It's super simple to use and ridiculously quick.

If you haven't used EFT before, I've put a quick intro up here. The basic gist is to tap (just like tapping a keyboard, but with a coupla fingers at once) on various points around the body, while thinking or saying whatever-it-is you want to fix. The tapping loosens up energy blocks in the body, your energy starts flowing properly again and you automatically heal (since our natural state is to be 100% healthy).

So how to remove a word from your vocab? Just tap the karate chop point (side of hand) while saying something like "Even though I say 'hopefully' I love & accept myself", or "Even though I use the phrase 'I guess' I love & accept myself." Really, the words don't matter too much, just say whatever pops in your head & feels right for you. Once you've said that a few times while tapping your karate chop point, work your way around the points on the body (pic here), saying "I say 'hopefully" or "I use the word 'hopefully'" etc & tapping each point 5-10 times.

Once you've done a couple of full rounds, & if you want to be really thorough, you can do a couple more rounds, saying something like "I still say 'hopefully'." This will clear out any remants that might be left over.

It really is that simple. Total time? 2-3 minutes a word, if that.

pic by pixietart

Here's the list I cleared out yesterday:

• hopefully
• probably
• should
• try
• pretty sure
• I'll figure it out
• doubt
• can't
• want (since want is synonymous with 'lack', why not clear that too?)
• I guess
• I suppose
• I need to
• I'm not sure
• I don't think
• kinda

Of course, everyone uses different words & phrases, so your own list will likely be quite different, but these might help you get started. Just see what resonates for you.

The funny thing is, as you start to clear them out, other commonly used limiting phrases will start to become more obvious & bubble to the surface. I also felt the way I was thinking changing. Sounds insane but it's true. I could feel myself using different phrasing internally, & as I did, my body became more sure of itself. Not quite sure (ha! I'll add that to my list) how that works, but a definite example of the mind/body connection at play.

The net result of all this mucking about? More confident thought patterns, more confident speech & a significantly more confident persona. Total time taken? A little over half an hour.

How To Stop Feeling Bad

Why do we feel bad?

It's a good question.

An easy answer would be "because bad stuff happens to us", but what for one person would be a disaster, someone else might barely notice.

So what's actually going on here?

In a nutshell?

We beat ourselves up.

That little voice in our heads giving us shit. Yep, it's our ego.

No big surprise there then. So what can we do about it?

Well, stop complaining is certainly a good start, but there's more to it than just that.

For example, how many different ways are there of beating ourselves up?

Regrets, disappointments, undesirable events, worrying about the future, things we dislike about ourselves, or (even sillier) things we dislike about others ("Why oh why did I choose a husband like this?") That's the craziest of all. Resentment about someone else is like drinking poison & expecting the other person to get sick.

Notice that all of these things are either in the past or in the future? Yep, that's not a surprise. More on that later.

A good rule of thumb though? Any time we say something to ourselves that makes us feel worse, that's beating ourselves up, in one way or another.

Ok, so we've mapped out the field, how to deal to this behaviour? How to stop it?

The Reductionist Method
Here's one method that has worked wonders for me.

Every morning I sat down & brainstormed a few lists "Things I disapprove about myself", "Regrets", "Disappointments", "Worries" etc. (You can use any phrasing that resonates). Next, I just worked my way down each list I'd made, healing each item in turn. The whole thing would take, 10 maybe 15 minutes tops.

pic by gwilmore

What I noticed was, each day the lists got shorter, & the items I'd healed didn't come back (or they looked like they came back, but were actually subtly different - i.e. different sub-aspects of a larger issue).

After a few days, I couldn't think of anything for any of the lists. Oh, & I also wasn't thinking any of those crappy thoughts about myself any more.

The fewer negative thoughts you have, the better you'll feel. It's not rocket science.

Of course, when you're making these lists, the things that come up first will be the things you're thinking most often. Those at the top of the list will be the loudest complaints. As you clear those out, you'll naturally work deeper & quieter, till eventually you're clearing out more & more subtle negativity. It's a great, natural way to clear through internal noise in a way that gets you the greatest benefits immediately, but gets more deeply powerful the longer you continue.

It's also good just to do it a little bit each day. Often we need a good night's sleep to fully process & clear things out of our systems.

How to heal this negative self-talk? Well, you can use whatever tool appeals to you. Some of the things that came up I used EFT on, some I used the release technique (aka the Sedona Method), & some I used Reiki. I just trusted my intuition & used what felt right (mostly releasing).

Our ego has a thousand ways of making us feel bad. Constantly nattering at us, trying to bring us down. This is just a good, time effective way I've found to proactively clear out a huge chunk of that crap. Each day getting clearer, lighter & happier.

The Holistic Method
Ok, so, remember how all this negative self talk was either in the future, or in the past? Well, that's not an accident.

Remember Eckhart Tolle? Well, he's way ahead of me on this one. See, if you're the kind of person for whom a methodical approach is just not for you, well, here's what he recommends.

Get yourself completely "in the present." Just be here now.

It's that simple. Let go of all the noise in your head. Stop thinking your thoughts. If they come up, simply let them go.


pic by savannahgrandfather

The important thing to remember is - you are not your thoughts. It's your mind thinking them, not you. Which means you have a choice, seriously, whether you want to keep thinking them or not. As with all things, you always have a choice.

Same thing with any feelings that come up. Just observe them, but let them go too.

This way, you stay 100% in the present moment. You can still be going about your day, doing whatever, but any thoughts & feelings that come up from the past or about the future, just let them drift off.

Now, there's a couple of interesting things about this. Firstly, if you genuinely do welcome up (without attachment) any thoughts or feelings you have, & let go of them fully, they won't come back. (Very loosely, this is how you release).

Be gentle with yourself though, because one large issue can often have a ton of little sub-issues to it that may all need to be cleared. It may seem like you're making no progress, but just keep letting go, keep letting go. Pretty soon you'll start to see the difference.

Secondly, the more you can hold yourself in that present moment, the more junk will naturally come up. Why? Because being in that state holds you in a very specific (very powerful) state of vibration. Much like shaking a dirty glass of water, anything counter to that vibration will float to the top. Of course, the important thing is just to keep letting go of everything that comes up. You feel bad? Great! Let it go. Nasty thoughts or memories? Wonderful! Let those go too. They're only coming up because they're not in accordance with the person you're becoming, with that powerful "Now" vibration that you're holding.

It's all good stuff.

Plus, if you're truly present? Well, it's feels great. Best feeling in the world. So that's a nice bonus too.

Oh, & there's nothing saying you can't use both methods - making lists and being present. Every little bit helps. As Buddha said, "There are many fingers pointing at the moon, but only one moon."

Happiness Is Always A Choice

So let's rock this up a notch. We've already discussed that we are not our thoughts or emotions. We've checked out not verbalising negative thoughts. What's the next logical thing to do?

Take it back a step, of course.

If we're not our thoughts or emotions, well, who controls them?

We do! We're the damn boss, & it's about time they knew that.

Oooh, easier said than done, of course (or is it?) If you've (as I have) spent a lifetime believing that our thoughts & emotions were us, it can be a tricky mindset to adjust.

• "I'm angry"
• "I feel cheated"
• "I worried about this"

Nope, completely wrong.

• "I'm experiencing feelings of anger"
• "I'm experiencing feelings of being cheated"
• "I'm experiencing thoughts of worry"

Choose to walk? Choose to fly. Pic by missvivienne

Ever seen kids at play? They bang themselves, cry, then two minutes later they're back playing again, as happily as if it never happened.

What's going on here? Ok, short attention span might help. Being in the moment definitely helps, but a very important factor is this:

They haven't been trained that they're "supposed" to hang onto things yet.

They don't know about holding onto grudges, or resentment, or pain.

Remember the first time someone really, deeply, hurt you? Still feel that?

Well, how long are you going to hold onto that pain for? Hell, for all you know, the person that caused it is dead now.

Ok ok, so I'm not saying this to belittle the pain you've experienced in your life. Not at all.

The point is this - we make a choice. We always make a choice.

With every thought, every emotion, we make a choice. Hold onto it, or let it go.

Sometimes we have rules. Eg, it's ok for us to let go of these thoughts or emotions:

• After a certain period of time ("Oh, that was years ago")
• After the other person has behaved a certain way (eg, apologised)
• After the other person has suffered
• .. or is dead.

All these rules. Why? They're all bullshit.

They're all rules that we're holding onto that stop us from experiencing happiness now.

How about if you had new rules.

• When the physical pain dissipates, I choose to forget about the incident that caused it
• It's safe to let go of pain, because I remember the lessons learned
• Regardless of how those around me behave, I am the boss of my emotions, & I'll choose how I react (if at all)
• I will only continue to entertain thoughts that I enjoy & let the rest go
• I will actively choose to think thoughts that make me feel better
• If doing something makes me feel better, I'll do it more often.
• If doing soomething makes me feel worse, I'll do it less.

Or, best of all, just decide, "I'm the boss of how anything makes me feel."

Because, & here's a huge secret, YOU ARE.

pic by phuongthao202002

Now yes yes, I can hear you bringing up objections. Life isn't always that simple. It's complicated, messy, we never know what's happening next.

Well here's another secret (I'm full of them today). It's not about being perfect. It's just about being better. Just a little better, tiny steps at a time.

Sure, we all have days where we're a bit slow on the uptake. Get into a bad spiral & take a while to twig to what's going on. That's perfectly ok. Totally normal. Utterly usual.

The point is simply that every moment we choose a higher vibration thought or emotion over a lower one. Ie, we choose to let go of things that bug us, is a moment we become happier.

Another great thing about this process is that if we truly let go, then those thoughts & emotions, over time, stop recurring.

We do, genuinely become happier.

How do I know this? Well, this is exactly what I've been doing over the last few weeks.

In some very real & measurable senses, my life is currently the worst it's ever been. Know what? I don't care. Sure, I've had some freakouts. Total wigouts where I've been a mess for a day. Then I pick myself up, let go of the crappy thoughts & emotions. Heal anything obvious.

And then? Yes. Feel better. Feel happy. Truly. Peacefully.

Even in this situation, I can honestly say I have never felt happier in my life. What's more, every day I know I'm slightly happier than the day before, on average.

The mess around me will be sorted, and soon. Life always changes, & external things will improve. And I'll be happy then too. Because I've chosen to be. Just made a decision "I don't care what happens around me, I'm going to do everything I possibly can to be happy."

Life has ups & downs, definitely, but the more of those downs I choose to let go of, the happier I'm becoming... and if I can do it, so can you. One thought, one emotion at a time.

Stop Whining, Start Winning

How often do you complain?

No, I don't mean half hour long soliloquies at the barista because your coffee is cold, I mean just everyday complaints.

Anytime you verbally express a negative thought, that's a complaint.

Why do we do this? Habit, typically. Sometimes boredom, But deeper than that - oftentimes it's a social thing (f***mylife is an example) - it's socially encouraged to bond over misery stories. To sympathise, express empathy & so on. Sometimes it's a way of adjusting social hierarchies - I'm your superior, but if I express misery that makes us more equal, & thus you more comfortable. If I feel inferior, complaining about you might (in theory) make me feel better about myself by diminishing you somehow. Many entire cultures have whinging as a core attribute (England, I'm looking at you).

With all those people doing it, what's the big deal? I mean, really?

Fundamentally, it damages us.

Talking about something gives it our attention, our energy. Gives it power.

Focus on the moon, not the clutter of trees.

Basically, whining makes you feel shitty.

If you believe in the law of attraction, then the more you talk about something, the more you're going to attract more of that thing. Want a miserable day tomorrow? Spend a bunch of time talking about how miserable today was.

If you think LOA is a bunch of hokum, well think about it this way - why the hell are you wasting you time, energy & attention focussing on something you don't like? How on earth is that making you any happier? Any more productive? Sorting the problem out, or improving your life? It's not.

Sure, undesirable things happen. So what? What really matters is how we react to them. Martin Seligman in Learned Optimism discovered that the key difference between success & failure in life is how we treat setbacks. Fundamentally, we do better, get luckier & have more success the less energy we give to these negative events. Pessimists talk a lot about setbacks. Optimists dismiss them. This is eloquently summed up by Sylvester Stallone who likes to dismiss negative situations with "They probably just ate some bad clams."

As Viktor Frankl said, (paraphrased) the only real freedom we have is the freedom to choose how we react to any event.

The less attention you give negative events (other than the minimum necessary to physically deal with them, of course), the more of your time is focussed on things you actually want. Your goals. Your happiness. Feeling good.

Whinging takes us out of that zone of joy. Out of expressing ourselves in the world. In the process, it adds nothing positive to our lives at all. The more we can reduce it, the better we feel about our lives. About our days. About how things are going for us. Why? Because how we feel about ourselves is the sum total of our thoughts. The more of those thoughts are positive, the better we feel.

If you remember nothing else, remember this:

Your quality of life is directly proportional to how much of the time you feel good.
Yes, that's incredibly obvious. You want to have a better life? Spend more of it feeling better.

Of course, the question is - how do you increase how much you feel good? Well (& a big duh to this one) stop making yourself feel miserable so often. You may not be able to help what happens to you, but you can definitely change how much time you spending talking, thinking or focussing on these bad things around you.

Try it for a week. Anytime you catch yourself whinging, deliberately let that thought go, & think (or better, say!) something positive instead. Or heck, if you can't do that, just shut the hell up - that's a great first step. See how great you start feeling, by comparison. Notice how much better things get in your life - people reacting more positively to you, opportunities arriving, things just somehow going smoother.

We only have so many minutes each day. Make them count. Make them positive ones. It's just a choice.

[If you'd like to read more, my man Dhrumil has a great podcast here about why we complain, & how to help others we see complaining. Also worth checking is AComplaintFreeWorld]

Better Communication In One Second

I'm going to start a little geeky, but be patient, I'll keep it super short & it's totally relevant.

What's interesting about TCP (heard of TCP/IP? Yeah, it's part of that) is how the initial communication, the 'handshaking' bit goes. Very roughly, it's goes like this:

1. Hello? [SYN]
2. I can hear you! [SYN-ACK]
3. Me too! [ACK]

Here's a picture I found to stop you falling asleep. See? They're just starting a wee conversation:

(ok, geek stuff over. Told you it'd be short.)

So what, I hear you say. Well, TCP runs everything. The entire internet, any smart phone, hell they're even talking about using it to talk to satellites out across the solar system. Anything smarter than a toaster these days depends on it to operate properly.

So yeah, it's important.

And so are those "ACK"s. Notice how 2/3 of the initial conversation is just ACKs? Computers like to be ACKnowledged. It makes them feel safe & secure.

Well, here's a secret - so do people.

See, the ACK doesn't really add any useful information to the conversation, and yet, it's critical.

It doesn't answer any questions, doesn't actually 'do' anything, and yet everything falls apart without it.

Same thing with human communication, we're just more resilient, so that falling apart is less obvious.

If you say "Hey!" to a friend, and they don't respond, how are you going to feel? Pretty terrible, I'd bet. At the very least, you'd wonder if they saw you, or maybe if you upset them somehow, or if there was something wrong.

All it takes is a flick of their eyes or a smile to let you know that your communication has been received & all is well in the world.

Of course, face to face communication is pretty obvious like that.

How about other forms, like email (or even twitter)?

How often have you received an email that you weren't ready to answer immediately? Maybe you were busy, it was long, required thought, or you just weren't in the mood. A response as simple as "Thanks for email, crazy day, will respond later tonight" can work wonders. It lets the other person know that their email has been received, that you're just busy, and that they're not being ignored. Plus it buys you a little time.

Twitter (or texting) is even more extreme, of course. But how often have you tweeted someone & got no reply, then wondered "Did I offend them?" "Are they ok?" "What's going on?" Any of these thoughts would be a reasonable response, and all could be removed with a simple "Thanks! :)" or equivalent.

It's not the length of reply that matters, just the emotion behind it. In fact, the shorter the reply the better, generally. Just enough to let the person know you're there, you care, & you're thinking of them.

It may feel like you're over-communicating, but really you're just acknowledging the importance of that other person to you.

How long does this sort of thing take? About as long as flick of the eyes across a crowded room. Maybe a second.

Quality communication is not about length. It's about emotion & clarity. A quick genuine reply followed by a considered response later is far superior to a mammoth missive in a week, with the other person left hanging the entire time.

Also, it's much less stressful for you, as you don't have it hanging over your head with that same sense of urgency. You win, they win. What's not to like?

You Are Not Your Thoughts, Emotions Or Body

Here's an old, but useful exercise:

Pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking right now?

Ok. Good.

Here's another one:

What are you feeling right now? What is your primary emotion?

Ok, excellent. Bear with me.

If you lost your little finger in an accident, would you still be you? Or, put another way, since every cell in your body replaces itself every 7-10 years, or sooner, at any point do you stop being you?

See, it breaks down like this. If you can be aware of your thoughts, then you are not your thoughts. We have thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.
With emotions, it's even more obvious. Unfortunately in English we say things like "I am angry." In French or German things are more instructive. They say "I have anger." We have emotions, but we are not our emotions.
We are obviously not our physical body either. We have a body, but there's something more going on.

If you've read a little bit, I'm sure none of this is a surprise. Eckhart Tolle talks about these realisations as part of his enlightenment experience. Oh, & if you get the chance to see him live, I thoroughly recommend it, he's a superbly entertaining speaker.

Of course, this is the point where I could totally understand you saying "Well, ok, so what?" & fair enough too.

This is one of those understandings that it's easy to have intellectually, but might take years before it's really cemented into your being. Really knowing something in your heart can be funny like that.

If we're not our thoughts, emotions or bodies, then what are we? Well, that's another good question. I don't have any easy answers to that, except to say that we're what's left when thoughts & emotions are taken away. We're the space in which they form.

I'm not generally a huge fan of philosophical posturing. You can sit around & talk nonsense for years, but how does it help unless you actually apply it, or do something, or change something?

So, here's something useful you can do with this information.

If you're not your thoughts, or your emotions, then when you sense these things arising, you can let them go, just as easily as they arose.

If you start thinking something that takes you out of your place of joy (or just generally makes you feel bad), then realise they're just thoughts, spontaneously arising. You don't have to keep thinking them. You don't have to stay focussed on that subject. Just let it go. Drop it, or if that doesn't work, distract yourself with something you enjoy more. Why not? I mean, who's the boss - you, or your thoughts?

Same thing with emotions. Feel a negative emotion, you don't have to keep feeling that. You'll only keep feeling it for as long as you choose to. I realise this is a little inflammatory, we're more or less raised to believe that emotions are these powerful things that we either feel intensely, or completely deny (There's that "I am angry" or "I am not angry" thing again).

Bottom line though, who's the boss of you? Are your emotions the boss of you? Well, no, they're not. You can see this when you see two people experience the same event, and react completely differently. Or by watching how much people vary in terms of calming down after an upsetting event.

Emotions do tend to be a little more overwhelming at times. There are many ways to gain control back though. EFT is a good one - that'll allow you to drop any negative emotional reaction altogether. Meditation, Yoga & exercise are helpful too. Anything that helps you maintain your centre, your sense of self - rather than being swept away with events around you.

Once you realise that thoughts & emotions are not you, just things happening to you, you're taking a huge, positive step towards freedom. The more you let go of them as they occur, the less power they have over you, & the more they start to disappear. The more they disappear, the calmer your life becomes, & the more you become, well, you. That sparkling ball of light, love & energy right at the core of your being. The part of you that people fall in love with. The part of you that your friends (the good ones, not the bitchy ones) adore so much.

Well, that's a pretty tall order, so where to start? Just start by paying a little attention. Notice when thoughts or emotions are running away from you. Give yourself a chance to step back a little, let them go. Even just doing that tiny little thing will start to pay dividends immediately. After all, what do you have to lose? The real You, not the thinking/emoting/farting you?

What The Hell Is Karma?

I was talking to a friend the other day about karma, and I got to wondering - what the hell IS it, exactly? I mean, everyone thinks they what it is, right?

You do something bad - in this life or past - and it'll come back & bite you on the arse.

Ok, well that's simple.

But hang on, the wikipedia page on karma is almost 4000 words. What the hell?

Ok, so maybe there's more to it.

The basic gist of that enormous page is that the effects of all deeds actively create your past, present & future experiences. Ie, you're entirely responsible for your own life.

There is a subtlety though - and that is, it's not any old deeds, but only deeds that have thought behind them. Only volitional, or consciously chosen deeds, create karma.

So, ok, if I choose to do something, that will create karma, and I'll then have the fruits of that, good or bad, echoing through my life.

Over time - and particularly if you believe in reincarnation - that's got to add up to one HUGE amount of karma, all banging around, recreating the same bad (or good) stuff, over and over.

(pic by consumerfriendly )

Wow. Nutty.

Now, there's a profoundly thoughtful guy called Ram Dass, who has spent most of a lifetime thinking about this stuff (after he finished hanging out with Timothy Leary & doing a ton of acid). He's interviewed in a thoroughly excellent documentary called Ecstatic States, and he has this to say on the subject:

Interviewer: Could you tell us exactly what karma is?

No. *laughs* That take care of that question?

You could say it's.. uhh.. It's a very complex concept of cause-and-effect. What it says is, if you drop a pebble into a clear pond. There'll be all these little waves going out and out and out. And even though you could almost see them stop, with your naked eye, if you looked at it with technical equipment, you'd see that the thing keeps going and going and going.

So what it's saying is that every action starts a sequence of events. And then who we are at any moment is determined by all the events we've started in the past that are reverberating into us now, over time. Over lots of time.

It's like, you know, for example, that your childhood experiences affect your adult personality. That's sort of an example of karma.

It's your karma, meaning it's the previous causal forces that are creating this particular effect. So if you look at your life, and if you have a larger sense of who you are than your physical body. I'm talking about reincarnation, or the whole idea that an individual's soul goes through birth after birth after birth. Each birth is determined by the karmic residue of all the previous births. Then in a birth, you are living out the karma created by the previous births. Now, as you awaken more, most people are not only living out the old karma, but they keep creating new karma all the time, which keeps propelling them into the future, more and more.

To be free means to be free of this kind of karmic law that you're just being a mechanical run-off of. So, the beginning of awakening means that you no longer create new karma, because you see how karma's created (which is another little discussion). And then you're just running off old karma. So a lot of the beings you see are people that have awakened sufficiently so that they don't create any new karma, and then they're in a body, or they continue their work, like the inertia from the past, until it runs out.

Interviewer: How do you not create new karma?

By the awareness no longer being identified with the motivation. It is the desire that creates karma. It doesn't mean you don't have the desires, it means your awareness is not identified with the desires. You still do what you do, but you're not caught in being attached to the doing of it. Which is kind of sneaky, because when you're not attached, it changes what happens.

Clear as mud? Thought so!

(pic by vidular )

What to do, what to do?
There are a couple of issues here:

1. How do we stop old karma from continuing to screw up our lives?
2. How do we, practically, stop creating new karma?

Here's where everything gets a little speculative.

From what I've seen in my own life, I'm pretty sure that by healing (eg, using EFT) anything bad that happens to us (including negative thoughts, emotions, feelings), we short circuit our karmic looping of old problems. This seems a proactive way of doing what Ram Dass describes as "running off old karma".

EFT isn't the only way of doing this, of course. I know people that use falling still, yoga, chanting, eating raw food, meditation, and so on, to achieve the same end (or, hell, all of the above!). As Buddha says, "There are many fingers pointing at the moon, but only one moon."

So, if this helps to speed up getting rid of old karma, how do we also stop creating new karma? (otherwise we're going to be chasing our own tail a bit here)

"Not being identified with the desires" or "not being attached to the doing" is fair enough, but how do you actually do that, without spending 30 years sitting on a mountain top somewhere?

Well, let's look at it a subtly different way. Anytime we react angrily, that's got to increase our karma, right? Similarly then, if we act from any other emotions. The only exception would be coming from a place of pure peace. If we have a still mind, and an open heart, that would have to be a place from which no new karma would be generated. It meets both Ram Dass' & wikipedia's criteria. Action without attachment.

How to reach that place of still mind & open heart? Is it perhaps unsurprising that the healing tools listed above seem to coincidentally result in exactly these outcomes?

Does that mean these tools will take you to a place of nirvana? Reduce all your karma to zero & have you strumming a harp on a cloud? I couldn't possibly say. It's a complicated thing that people have been thinking & arguing about for thousands of years. All I can say is from where I stand now, these seem like good steps to be taking in more or less the right direction.

Less attachment & suffering in this life, fewer karmic echoes in the next.

Brain Controls Body Controls Brain

I was catching up on some light reading this morning - reading The Economist (the funniest magazine I know), when I came across this article, which points out that physical displays of pride & shame are hardwired at an evolutionary level. Ie, they're not learned behaviours. This was discovered by watching athletes that were blind from birth - and thus had no chance to watch others & learn patterns.

So, when shamed in loss, their posture slumps, they hide their faces & narrow their chests.

In victory, they raise their arms, expand their chests, & tilt their heads back. Like this:

(although I suspect the shirts off & veiny thing is optional)

I found this interesting because one of the subtle things we learn at Aikido is to expand our chests & keep our heads up. I'd always figured this was just a posture thing - if you look down, it pulls tension into the shoulders & you go off balance. Expanding the chest leads to a more opening feeling, expansive rather than contracting energy, and so on.

But perhaps there's more to it than that?

There have been many studies, going back to Riskind (1984) and perhaps earlier that link posture & depression. It's common knowledge that you can cheer yourself the hell up just by adjusting your posture (eg, this,or this)

but just how far can you take this?

So I thought hey - let's give this a shot. I went for a walk in full on victory pose. Chest opened & puffed out (almost), head tilted slightly back - although not so far I fell over. Umm, no, I kept my arms down. Don't need to get arrested for being a complete loony (it's supposed to be a secret - don't tell anyone)

The funny thing is, I was already feeling pretty incredibly good this morning. Confident, happy, on top of the world. The sun was definitely shining on planet Si.

Now, when I walk I have a real tendency to get thoughtful, and thus look down. And yet after a 20 minute walk around town, consciously adjusting my posture anytime I felt it slip back ..I felt.. how could it be.. even more incredible?

I don't know how that's possible, but I highly recommend giving it a go - particularly if you're already feeling a bit beneath the weather to start with.

I'm also beginning to think that part of the reason for doing it in Aikido is a combination of these two quotes from the founder, Morihei Ueshiba:

"A good stance and posture reflect a proper state of mind."

and

"Aikido can be summed up like this: True victory is self-victory"

Ie, perhaps it's internal, not external victory that really matters in the end - and by adjusting your physical posture, you ensure mental & spiritual victory.

This whole brain/mind/body connection really is an incredibly interesting thing.

Two Approaches to Trans-Humanism (Who Wants To Live Forever?)

Post humanism is, essentially, what it will be like to be "more than human" - ie, what are we going to evolve to next. This could be purely biological, purely mechanical, some kind of nano-tech, or a combination of the lot.

Transhumanism is more or less synonomous with "human enhancement". This is the stepping stone to post humanism.

Of course, many people see this as complete nonsense - and that's totally fine.

However, assuming people think "Hey, become better? What a great idea!", there are two main approaches:

1. Wait Till Technology Does It For You
I know a guy who's a great example of this. He's 29 (but looks 49), chain smokes, does a lot of drugs, and so on. He plays guitar, but his body is so massively crippled that he can't play it for more than 5 minutes at a time without extreme pain. He can't do any exercise because every joint in his body hurts. This isn't a genetic disease - bad life choices have gradually crippled him.

He's firmly convinced he will live forever.

I suggested that perhaps he should cut back on the smoking, but he disagreed. Why? Because he's sure that 'science' will catch up soon enough that it'll be able to fix all his smoking related issues - oh, and all his other health problems as well.

Ahh, well. Ok then.

2. Start Now
Aubrey De Grey is a main figure in the immortality movement. He's opinionated as hell, so unsurprisingly, his ideas are hotly debated. He does however have some interesting points.

One of his key tenets is that if you can live another 30 years, then medical technology will improve enough to allow you to live another 30 (in robust health - we're talking quality of life here too, not just quantity). In the 30 after that, technology will improve to allow another 30 - and so on ad infinitum. A longevity equivalent of Zeno's dichotomy paradox.

The critical first step is that you want to hit that +30 year mark in as good a shape as possible. It's touch & go which aspects of human frailty will be dealt with first - so if, say, you have destroyed your lungs but the rest of you is fine, you might die anyway if medical science hasn't quite figured out lung replacement (or lung cancer) yet.

Now, health & wellbeing is a many faceted thing. Is it worth having a healthy body if your mind has completely deteriorated (or vice versa)? All the different aspects of your system have to be kept above a certain baseline, otherwise the entire system will collapse in on itself. Witness how quickly old folks can spiral downhill if they lose their mobility, catch pneumonia, or lose a loved one.

So, unsurprisingly, this is the approach I prefer. Working on improving my physical, mental, emotional & spiritual wellbeing, more or less all at once - thus ensuring maximum longevity (more importantly quality of life, not just quantity), and, eventually immortality.

The really interesting thing is - once you start looking at some of the technologies that have become available to assist & improve in these areas (and boy, the internet is a godsend for this kind of research), you quickly become exposed to more & more ways to improve your life. Not only that, but many of these technologies are both exponential in benefit & complementary to each other. You start using even a couple of them, and massive chunks of your life radically improve at once. The more you use them, the faster & more significantly your life improves. Even better than that, many of them are both free and stupidly simple to implement.

Of course, which technologies (or indeed any) to use is always a personal choice - and different things do just seem to work better for different people.

An unexpected benefit too is - once you start looking at some of these diverse aspects of the human system, you'll start to see that it is possible to live a life with higher highs (& much higher, or even non existent lows) than you might ever have previously dreamt possible.

Happier. Fitter. More energy. More peacful. More fulfilled. Wealthier.

I look at all this, and to me at least it seems obvious - why wait for the future to arrive when it's becoming easier & easier to race up to meet it, with a giant smile on your face?

But of course, as usual, there is always choice 1.