I realised a long time ago the truism that "What annoys me most in others is what annoys me about myself".
This is one of the reasons I've come back to live with my folks for a while. I'd got about as far as I easily could peering into my own navel. Much easier to look at them to see what else is there in me. As the old saying goes: "If you think you're enlightened, spend a weekend with your parents." So far, it's been about six months and boy, I've grown lots. Ha ha. Oh boy. Yes.
What I've started to realise over the last couple of days is something of a corollary to the above truism.
What I want most from others is what I'm not giving myself.
For years, the thing that has made me the most angry is if I feel someone isn't listening to me — particularly if they're insistently asking me something, despite my attempts to explain.
The very few times (historically maybe twice a decade) I've got truly "red mist" angry, that's been the situation.
At some level, the reason it has had such a strong effect on me is simply because I feel I haven't been listening to myself.
Isn't it funny how it's ok for us to treat ourselves like shit, but if someone else does it, it's suddenly outrageously unacceptable?
So here's the interesting bit: what the hell does that even mean? "Not listening to myself?" I honestly have no idea. All I do know is, when I healed* on not listening to myself, I felt a huge rush of energy leaving and a great peace come over me. Now, if I think back to those times when I've been aggressively not-listened-to (ha ha, yes), I find the situations oddly amusing.
This, by the way, is great news.
Why? Because it shows you don't have to consciously understand what anything is about to heal it. You don't have to figure it out. Just let your subconscious sort it out. It is, after all, the part of you faffing about and being all stroppy in the first place. It's only fair it should pull its weight for once. Take that, inner child! Slobbing around on the sofa all day watching TV and eating cheerios!
Over the last couple of days, as a background task, every so often I've answered two questions:
- "What pisses me off (about others)?"
- "What do I really want (from others)?"
Often these are opposite sides of the same answer. It pisses me off when people don't respect me. I really want people to respect me. The reason for both of these? I'm not respecting myself. If I do that, well who cares what anyone else does? The craving for it disappears.
I want people to love me? (And frankly, who doesn't?) I'm just not loving myself.
I want people to listen to me? I'm not listening to myself.
I want people to value me? I'm not valuing myself.
This is such a stupidly simple thing, it sounds almost ridiculous to write down. All I know is, this has been incredibly helpful.
When I give myself what I want, I no longer crave it from others.
*Oh, and the silliest thing? How did I heal this? That's the easiest bit yet. More on this in a little while, but for now all you need to know is this:
- I simply said: "I love that I don't listen to myself," while releasing all the energy, physical tension, emotional responses and thoughts that arose in response to saying that.
- I mixed it up a little with "I love that I still don't listen to myself."
- I kept going until I felt peaceful.
- I then plugged in the positive "I love that I listen to myself," "I love that I always listen to myself," "I love that I listen to myself completely." Again, releasing all resistance that came up.
- I kept going till I felt peaceful and the positive statements felt true.
Really, I simply said whatever popped in my head, felt right and felt like it would push things a little further, a little deeper. I maybe tapped my karate chop point if I felt things needed amping up a notch.
If you really want to test if something's gone, see how you feel about someone else treating you in that way. Can you say out loud (for example) "I love [person close to you] not listening to me"?
That's all I did. It's all I needed to do. How could I not share something so elegantly powerful with you?