si dawson

experiments in self-improvement

Category: self-improvement

December 18, 2014

Motivations for an Unusual Life

When I was in my mid 30’s, I went with a friend, as you do, to an evening talk by a management theorist (Charles Handy, if you’re curious, a most intriguing writer).

On the way there, my friend casually mentioned that the average life expectancy for people our age was 125-150. This is not including major medical breakthroughs. More on this later.

As my friend continued talking, It hit me – I was going to be alive for another hundred years – not, as I’d previously thought, maybe 30. This is barring accidents, disasters and murder, obviously.

That week, I happened to have been reading an article about global level achievers – people who could free dive the deepest in the world, lift the most weight, run the farthest, and so on. One of these super athletes said “If you eat, sleep, and breathe one thing for five years? You’ll be among the best on the planet.”

This then led to a couple of obvious conclusions:

  1. A hundred years meant I could – if I was suitably obsessive – become a global level expert in twenty different subjects. Or raise five consecutive kids. I had twenty serious chunks of time left in my life to do with as I pleased.
  2. I really needed to sort out my (typical, same as anyone else) emotional junk. I could handle thirty years of being vaguely miserable, but another hundred was way too much.

Around that time I’d also noticed a couple of long term patterns in my life:

  1. My net worth kept see sawing; it’d go up, then down, up even higher, then down again.
  2. Whenever I’ve started companies, they’ve done brilliant work technically, but never made much money.

What makes the second point particularly curious is that I can waltz into someone else’s business and make them stacks of cash no problem at all. I’ve made two other guys millionaires (and would have added a third to the list if he’d used my work. Oh well, his choice). When I make investments myself (not businesses, note, investments) I typically make out like a bandit. 30% in a month or two? Often. 30k in a day? Easy. There’s just something about when it’s labelled a business that hasn’t tweaked for me. Yet.

Given that I’ve always been entrepreneurial, I know I’ll always be starting some sort of venture or other. I started my first business before I was 10, selling toys to my siblings, ha ha, oh boy. But, I don’t want to be 95, working on a startup and struggling for income or broke. It was and is damn important to get these two issues completely sorted.

LONGEVITY AND THE ART OF CALCULATING LIFE EXPECTANCY

Now, the longevity thing is interesting. It’s a tricky one to estimate. The reason being – how do actuaries figure out how long a 30 year old will live? Well, they start with the age that people are dying – currently roughly 80ish – then go back 50 years to see how many of the 30 year olds back then lived to 80, how many died earlier, and so on. It’s pretty basic math.
The trouble with this is, you can only do this once people have actually died – otherwise, uhh, how long do you know they’ll live for? Which means the current estimates of 80 year lifespans are from people born in roughly 1930. These are people who grew up with appalling pre and post natal care, lead based paint on their toys, asbestos in their houses, drove horrifically dangerous cars, plus lived through WWII, the Korean and Vietnam wars etc. Dozens of life shortening factors, none of which existed if you were born 50 years later.

On top of that there’s been massive improvements in healthcare, fitness, nutritional understanding and general lifestyle and safety.

Oh, and of course the baby boomers are retiring – which means billions (literally) being poured into both quality of life improvements AND longevity. These people have watched their parents drooling on themselves in nursing homes and thought “Hell NO!” – plus, unlike the previous generations, they have the cash to back it up. The medical benefits of which will, inevitably, trickle down to everybody else.

There are researchers claiming that the first thousand year old has already been born. Others say if we can survive 30 years, medical technology will have advanced enough to keep us alive another 30. By the end of that, med tech will have advanced enough to keep us alive another 30 years, and so on. This is what’s known as “longevity escape velocity“.

Obviously, all these things are highly debatable, and scientists are continuing to argue.

However, it does make estimating life expectancy all very tricky. It sure as hell isn’t 80 though. Not any more.

Regardless, it’s essentially a moot point. If I’d been expecting to die at 60-70, and suddenly discovered I had an additional 20-30 years of life (let alone several hundred), it’s still a huge number of extra years – time that’s worth planning for and using wisely.

THE CHANGES I MADE

As a direct result of the above discoveries, I radically shifted the direction of my life, including:

  • Moving from New Zealand to Australia to train Aikido with my sensei. In the particular style we trained, he was the highest ranked teacher outside of Japan, and had moved over a few months earlier. I figured, regardless of what it meant for my working career, training with him was a lifetime opportunity I didn’t want to miss. I ended up training with him in Australia for five years.
  • Using EFT (Reiki, releasing, and many other tools) exhaustively on every single part of my life, past, present and future. This massively accelerated my personal and spiritual growth. It also largely removed depression and anger from my life.  I do still get upset or slightly down, on rare occasion, but it’s incredibly quick to clear. Also gone are a myriad of other relatively minor emotional, mental and physical issues. I’ve been thorough.
  • Started healing in a very focused manner on career and money related issues. Hilariously, this also accelerated, for a year or two, how quickly my money disappeared, with the delightful result of basically screwing my financial life over completely. Ha ha ha, oops *facepalm*
  • Made clearing these issues the number one priority in my life, bar none (which has had some amusing side effects on my lifestyle).
  • Decided to make unconditional love, of everyone and everything, my highest purpose and primary goal in life
  • Removed several majorly destructive people from my life (including, at the time, my boss)

AND NOW?

As difficult as it’s been (and, on occasion – eg when explaining to prospective dates why I’m currently 43 and living at home with my folks – still is), I continue to believe I’m doing the right thing. That I have been doing the right thing.

For one thing, it’s resulted in this entire blog. My ability to execute at work is astronomically higher too – without any specific conscious effort on my part. Plus there’s been many other unexpected benefits.

A key question to pull this all into focus – would you be ok with struggling, emotionally and financially for five years, if it meant you could be effortlessly abundant and peaceful for the next hundred? For me that’s been a very easy question to answer, despite any difficulties.

On top of that, I STILL see that investing the time now to get myself on the right track will save me decades of sweat, toil and misery over the rest of my life. Even if, heaven forbid I get hit by a bus tomorrow, I’m a vastly more pleasant, more peaceful, more loving person to be around than I was a decade ago.

As ambitious as my spiritual/healing goals are (essentially – loving peace, aka happiness with no sorrow, aka equanimity), every step in that direction has been improving my life. It’s also been making things MUCH easier for everyone around me. Every step has proven to be a step worth taking, no matter how long this journey ends up being.

As an interesting side note, what all this healing is really doing is unwinding karma (so if there is such a thing as reincarnation, that’ll be handy).

Critically though, it means whatever I decide to do for the next 19 chunks of my life, I’ll be flying higher, faster, further and with massively less effort.

The real question is – where to now?

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    November 1, 2014

    Are We Allowing Ourselves To Be Happy?

    Recently I’ve been thinking about happiness.

    Obviously, there is some level of conscious control involved:

    Additionally, if we choose to be loving, that’s the quickest path to feeling deeply happy in any given moment or interaction.

    The weird thing I’ve noticed is that despite years of healing, I’m not particularly happy.

    These days I’m incredibly peaceful, centred, content and mostly pretty calm – which for me are HUGE steps forward. I just haven’t felt any noticeable level of deep happiness.

    Joy? Hell yes, just not consistent happiness.

    So what’s been going on?

    Eventually, I’ve realised that I’ve had a whole list of conditions that had to be met before I would allow myself to be happy.

    While consciously I may have been choosing to be happy (and taking appropriate steps), subconsciously I simply wasn’t allowing it to occur.

    I WASN’T ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE HAPPY.

    So, what next?

    I got a piece of paper and wrote at the top “I’ll be happy when…” then made a giant list. All the conditions, all the expectations that had to be met before I was “allowed” to be happy.

    (and yes, the alert among you will have noticed I’ve written about this before – but then, as with so many things, it’s not about knowing them intellectually, it’s about living them every day, in our hearts. Reminders are good, even for me. Especially for me. Also, there’s been a subtle shift. Before when I was doing this exercise it was to “get” something. Now it’s just to remove all limitations. Ie, for the sake of the exercise itself.)

    All these conditions are, of course, utterly ridiculous. But then, this is just how our brains work half (all?) the damn time – against us.

    Once I had the list, it was pretty straightforward (and as usual, quick) to just take each item back to wanting approval, wanting control or wanting safety, and simply let it go.

    Of course, this isn’t going to be a one-off task. As we peel back layers of the onion we’ll see deeper and deeper into ourselves. We’ll be able to identify more and more subtle limitations.

    The good news is, it’s a super quick exercise, and really, once you’ve got the hang of it, you could do it anywhere. While sitting at a bus stop. In the shower. While having a sandwich. In the shower with a sandwich! Just say to yourself “I’ll be happy when…” and see what your brain fills in for you.

    All these conditions are standing between you and happiness. The more you let go of, the easier it gets to make that simple choice. To actually be happy. To feel happy.

    To be honest, while I wouldn’t say I am now deliriously happy, I do feel as if several huge weights have lifted off me. I’m no longer dragging myself around quite as heavily. My soul is lighter and genuine smiles are closer and easier to reach.

    I just need to keep doing this exercise. Keep working my way down through the layers till there’s nothing left.

    Of course as with all of life, it’s a journey, not a destination. Today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be even better. What more can I ask?

    2017 UPDATE

    Some additional phrases that might help you dig to the bottom of what’s holding you back:

    • I won’t be happy unless…
    • I can’t be happy because…
    • I can’t be happy until…

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      October 20, 2014

      What Is Love?

      It’s a big question. What is love?

      For a start, the word “love” can mean a lot of different things. The ancient Greeks had five main types:

      • Philia – loyalty. Motivated by practical reasons; one or both the parties benefit from the relationship
      • Xenia – hospitality. The almost ritualised friendship between a host and their guest.
      • Storge – natural affection, like parents have for their child
      • Eros – passionate, romantic love, with sensual desire and longing
      • Agape – pure love. Soul love. For lack of a better description, God’s unconditional love.

      Mostly on this blog I’ve been talking about unconditional love, what the Greeks called agape. Why? Simply because this is a superset of all the other forms of love.

      If you have unconditional love for someone, it doesn’t matter if they are guest, child, an intimate or business partner – you’ll treat them as lovingly as (or more than) if you had only the first four types of love.

      Agape, unconditional love, is the deep root beneath all other forms of love.

      Ok. Well, that’s nice. Now what?

      I’ve always struggled to find a good synonym for the word love. How do we identify if we’re being truly loving or not? How can we look at it from slightly to one side, just to be sure?

      Up until recently I’d often described love as “unconditional positive regard.” However, this lacked something. I wasn’t sure what, but I knew it wasn’t the whole picture.

      I could feel myself feeling unconditional positive regard towards people I knew that I still thought were complete shitbags.

      Then, recently, I was (finally, it’s amazing) reading Siddhartha, by Herman Hesse. In there, I found the missing pieces of the puzzle.

      These pieces are: admiration and great respect.

      So now in total I understand that unconditional love means unconditional positive regard, admiration and great respect.

      (obviously this may not be the entire thing, but it feels damn close. If it’s not complete, I don’t feel there’s very much to go.)

      Of course, as soon as we think about anyone like this, part of our brain will scream “Why the hell should I respect them? I refuse to admire them! They’re…” (etc).

      Well guess what? That’s us being judgemental. No matter how “right” we (think we) are, it’s not unconditional love.

      This is a tricky area.

      This is where Christians with their cries of “love the sinner hate the sin” start to slide – it’s still being judgemental.

      As soon as we say “this is wrong”, we’re sliding into judgement. It’s what makes it so insidious, and unconditional love so tricky.

      Think of the worst people you can imagine – typically something along the lines of a serial murderer, rapist, paedophile or Hitler. Or, closer to home, those that have harmed us in the past.

      Obviously these people have done some atrocious things. This is why they’re good examples. Because it’s so hard for us to unconditionally love them.

      If we put aside the rule of law (what should society do with people that commit atrocities), we can simplify this situation enormously.

      In terms of being (or not) unconditionally loving, what are we really talking about?

      We’re talking about how we feel.

      So, pick one of the cases above. What we’re doing by not choosing to be unconditionally loving is this: we are letting someone else’s behaviour decide for us how we are going to feel.

      In other words, we decide they’ve been awful, therefore we are going to hold negative (non loving) feelings towards them.

      We are giving our power away.

      Well, how silly is that?

      Surely we are the boss of us? Surely we decide how we should feel?

      Of course, there are people out there doing simply awful things. But why should we let them make us feel bad? Who gave them that power over us?

      Well, by choosing to be judgemental, by choosing to hold back from loving them (particularly when we feel they “don’t deserve it”), we did. We gave them power over us.

      So really, by choosing to be unconditionally loving, by choosing to give them unconditional positive regard, admiration and great respect what we’re really doing is choosing to let go of their power over us.

      We’re choosing to feel as positively as humanly possible, no matter what they do.

      This is the ultimate power we have. As Viktor Frankl (who survived Auschwitz) said

      “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

      This is why unconditional love is so important.

      This is why understanding what love is is so important.

      Of course, if love as “unconditional positive regard, admiration and great respect” doesn’t resonate completely for you – please do keep looking. I’d be most curious to hear your thoughts. I’m always eager to learn more.

      At this stage, this is the best I’ve found. It feels complete to me. Most importantly, when I think about applying that definition to people (or organisations) in my life I’m least likely to feel this way about, I feel challenged and uncomfortable. Which is probably a very good sign I’m stumbling in the right direction.

      Now obviously, the next practical question (and I do like to keep things practical, as much as possible) is what do we do with this information?

      Well, here’s what’s been working for me, it’s super simple.

      Basically, just imagine someone (or something) horrible in front of you. Then think the phrase “unconditional positive regard, admiration and great respect” towards them.

      If there’s any part of you that disagrees with giving them these things, those are the parts of you that are holding you back from loving them completely and unconditionally.

      From there, you can simply let those feelings or thoughts go. Or tap them out. Or breathe them out. Whatever works for you.

      The key is to keep letting go of all the objections, arguments and generally non-loving reactions that come up in response to trying to feel unconditional positive regard, admiration and great respect for that person (or organisation).

      Once you let go of all of these reactions, you’ll feel yourself naturally slip into genuinely feeling those feelings towards that person.

      In other words, regardless of that person’s behaviour, you are now feeling genuine unconditional love, agape (the highest possible way of feeling).

      You’ve stopped yourself (your emotions and energetic state at the very least) from being a victim of their behaviour. You’ve regained mastery over yourself.

      Now, I’m definitely not saying you should put yourself in harm’s way here.

      For example, you can cross the road safely (a very dangerous thing to do, statistically), but you can do that happily and at peace, or you can freak out and be full of fear. It’s completely your choice.

      For me, I choose unconditional love. I choose happiness. I choose peace. Oh, and I choose not to stand in oncoming traffic, human or otherwise.

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        October 9, 2014

        What You Resist Persists

        Have you ever tried not thinking of pink elephants?

        It’s the oldest kid joke in the book. Why is it even funny? Well of course, because you can’t not think of something. Our brains just don’t work that way.

        There are ways around this, of course. The easiest way to not think of a pink elephant is to choose to think of (for example) a blue elephant. Or a pink swan. Essentially, fill our head with something other than the thing we’re avoiding.

        In general though, whether we’re thinking of something, or thinking of not something, the picture of that thing is still present in our head.

        Why is this a problem?

        To quote Carl Jung: What you resist persists.

        When we focus on something, we create it our lives. As Mike Dooley puts it, “thoughts become things.”

        Ever notice how people who like to bitch about things always have no trouble at all finding things to complain about? Their lives are mysteriously full of awful events.

        Happy people somehow have lives mostly full of things worth celebrating.

        This may look a little circular, but it’s no accident.

        Ancient mystics described it thusly: “As within, so without” (and “and as above, so below”).

        Whatever is happening inside us echoes out into the universe and is reflected in our lives.

        This is similar to how Australian Aboriginal traditions believed that dreams were real, and day-to-day “reality” merely the reflection of those dreams.

        If you’ve done any kind of spiritual self-work, then you will have seen this in action. No doubt everything above is already blindingly obvious to you.

        So where do the elephants come in?

        Because it doesn’t matter whether we’re thinking about something we like, or something we don’t like – we’ll still be creating it in our lives.

        Even if you don’t believe that this happens – by thinking about something you’re drawing your attention to it – so it’ll feel like more of it is occurring in your life.

        When you buy a new red Audi, suddenly you see all the other red Audis on the road. Just got a bob haircut? The supermarket will be full of them.

        Whatever your attention is on, you’ll see more of.

        So, if you’re hating something? In a perverse kind of way, you’re going to be creating (or at the very least noticing) more of it in your life.

        Which, of course, you’ll also hate.

        You can see how quickly this spirals downward.

        If slow people walking in front of you annoys you, you can be damn sure you’ll notice it every time it happens.

        If advertising drives you crazy, you’ll see how much we’re saturated in it.

        Thus, we end up more annoyed, feeling less in control, and thus focusing even more on the very thing we’re trying to avoid.

        There’s another layer going on here. I believe we’re here on earth to learn. To grow as individuals.

        When you hold strong negative feelings about something, the universe very helpfully brings that thing back to us, over and over, until we learn to let go of those feelings. We’re all on an upward journey to enlightenment. Aka, learning to give less of a shit about the little things. Learning to chill the hell out.

        If you have the same shitty relationships over and over again? It’s because you still haven’t learned what you’ve needed to learn (even if that’s just how to spot the warning signs of oncoming lunacy). All the talk I do about healing on this blog is really just because it’s by a wide margin the most complete and efficient method of learning that I’ve discovered so far.

        How do we break our vicious downward spirals? Very simple, really. Let go of our inner resistance. Let go of the frustration around slow people. Let go of the resistance to advertising. I’ve talked about this before, with regard to judgement (just another form of resistance) and anger.

        The more we are able to let go of these non-loving emotions, the better.

        Use any tool that resonates with you. EFT, releasing, meditation, breathing, saying “I love you”, dancing. It really doesn’t matter, as long as it works.

        Ideally, you want to get to the point where you feel genuinely loving (or at the very least peaceful) about whatever it was that previously was bugging you so much.

        When you’re genuinely peaceful then even if something does occur, it won’t bother you in the slightest. And voila, it’ll fade from your awareness.

        On a deeper energetic level you’ll also stop drawing these experiences into your existence (ie manifesting them) – but that’s a whole other conversation.

        Now, we can always wait until we’re feeling annoyed by something, but it’s much quicker to proactively go after this stuff.

        So, try sitting down and simply asking “Who or what am I resisting?”

        Typically you’ll be amazed at what pops into your head (if you’re quiet, and listening). Once you get better at it of course, you’ll be able to do it while on the bus, walking down the road, or bored at work.

        The more you ask the question and then let go of all the energy (emotion) you feel around each thing, the more peaceful you’ll become. And, best of all, the less you’ll be creating (and then upset by) these things in your existence.

        The more peaceful and loving you are about elephants, pink or otherwise, the less they’ll be in your awareness and the less they’ll be in your life.

        Whatever you resist persists. Whatever you stop resisting stops persisting.

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          August 15, 2014

          Depression

          I can’t speak to your experience with depression, I can only talk of my own. Hopefully this may help – either you or someone you love.

           

          A COUPLE OF CAVEATS

          I’m not a mental/health professional, duh.

          I am NOT suggesting to do what worked for me INSTEAD of other solutions. Try everything you can that feels right for you.

          Why the need for caveats? Because today everybody is an expert on depression, it would seem. I’m not, I’m just one guy sharing his experiences.

           

          SOME BACKGROUND

          My family has a history of depression, going back to before it was really recognised as “a thing”, ie, multi-generationally.

          Decades ago, I would get what I called “industrial strength depression”, where I would basically just crash in bed for two or three days, unable to do anything.

          I’ve never taken medication, but looking back I suspect it may have helped. Several members of my family have and it has helped them.

          As well as being a massive drain on my productivity (eg months where I’ve got zero real work done), I’ve had girlfriends break up with me saying “You were sad, and there was nothing I could do to change it.” In short, it’s had a significant, negative effect on my life.

           

          THE CORE EFFECTS OF DEPRESSION

          The key problem with most well meaning “solutions” (go out! get some exercise! talk to people! seek help!) is that they radically underestimate the core effects of depression.

           

          1. Apathy

          The first? Apathy.

          I’ve had times where I haven’t left the house for three weeks. If I hadn’t had a dear friend coming around and bringing me food, I probably would have stopped eating too (god knows I couldn’t afford to buy food at that time).

          When I’m feeling seriously down, my head is just spinning over and over with the same bullshit.

          The idea of picking up a phone (ugh, effort!), finding the right number (ugh), maybe having to explain why I’m calling (ugh), being asked to be put through to the right person (ugh), having to explain again (ugh), then going through all that shit in my head, again, for the millionth time, with someone I don’t even know (a gazillion times ugh), when it’s unlikely they’re really going to be able to help me anyway (ugh). It’s all too exhausting. Particularly when lifting my head off the pillow just sounds like too much work compared to going back to sleep.

          When I’m down that far, getting dressed is too much effort (let alone choosing what to wear). Showering involves standing up, and really, who gives a fuck about that?

          Some of these times even lifting my head off the pillow feels like too much effort. “I’ll give it a go in a few hours”. Or maybe tomorrow.

           

          2. Resilience

          The second? Resilience.

          When you’ve been mired in the dark cloud for too long, what gets worn down is your resilience.

          What this means is that your ability to do deal with setbacks is reduced to, well, zero.

          Every tiny little problem becomes insurmountable.

          Friends ask you out, but your shoes haven’t been polished in months and if you go out with them looking like that people might guess how bad you are (and you’ll have to Talk. About. It. UGH), so you text your (obviously meaningless) apologies, switch your phone off (No. Talking.) and go back to bed.

          There’s no food in the house, so just drink water. And go back to bed. Or (as I have done), realise that pancakes are just flour, water, eggs. And since the only ingredient in the house is flour (and tap water), fry that up (no oil) and pretend they’re just crappy pancakes. That was a good day – I managed to organise “food”.

          A bill comes in, or a threatening letter from a creditor, and after a couple of hours of lying in the fetal position crying, go back to bed for the next three days until you can bear to do something, anything about it.

          Obviously, on a normal day, all of these kinds of things are 2 to 5 minutes work to resolve, if that. Which is exactly the point.

          Whatever you (in a non-depressive state) think a depressed person can or should do is very likely to be way, way more than they’re capable of handling. (Hence the common, usually unvoiced, reply: fuck off).

           

          3. Helplessness

          The third, Helplessness.

          Obviously this ties into both resilience and apathy, but it’s worth mentioning on its own.

          You feel helpless, powerless. Completely lacking in control, over anything.

          You’re completely, utterly, unable to “fix the problem” – whether it’s the depression you’re feeling, or whatever-it-is that your thoughts are revolving around.

          If you genuinely, deeply feel powerless, then why bother trying anything? Apathy.
          If you genuinely, deeply feel powerless, so even the smallest thing is beyond you? Resilience.

          This, in a way, is the worst thing. Because any possible solution is immediately met with “It’s not going to help anyway.” It’s nearly impossible to counter, simply because it becomes such a powerful, self-fulfilling belief.

           

           

          THE USUAL APPROACH – ESCAPE

          The usual approach, when your head is that full of shit? Try and escape it.

          So, sleep is a great option (cheap, easy). Watching movies/TV (find a new 8 season series to watch and there’s a guaranteed 126 hours you won’t have to think about the shit in your own life. Video games. Farting around on the internet. Sex (if it’s around), or a new partner (always lots of easy avoidance to be found there). Masturbation/porn (which never really help anyway, and usually just leaves you feeling worse). Booze (adds up cost wise, risky/depressive but effective). Drugs (also pricey, can be hard to source).

          Obviously, none of these things actually HELP in terms of moving you past the depression, or sorting your life in general – but they help you avoid having to THINK about it. They offer some, any respite.

          When you’re in a state that low, even thirty seconds peace is blessedly welcome. 43 minutes of a TV show is like heaven.

           

          THE WALLS OF DEFENCE

          One of the reasons it’s so hard to see when the people around you are seriously depressed is that one gets very good at hiding just how bad it is.

          It’s pretty similar to how an alcoholic will drink vodka because it’s less detectable.

          For a start, you can see your friends getting sick of “trying to help.” All their well meaning suggestions failing because of the core effects listed above.

          Secondly, since your crap is constantly bashing you in the brain, and your friends are obviously sick of hearing about it too, the last thing you want to do is vocalise what sounds like the same tired brain noise, for the umpteenth millionth time.

          Thirdly, despite how common it is, there’s a LOT of stigma attached to depression.

          So, as long as nobody sees how messy your house is, or notices how much weight you’ve lost (or put on), it’s trivial to play-act like “a normal human being”, for short periods of time at least.

          “Oh sure, yeah, things are great. Definitely picking up. Or, seeing some great progress. Feeling pretty good.”

          Or, an eternal favourite, simply deflect the conversation onto them, and ensure it never gets around to REALLY talking about how you are inside.

          This is why asking someone “Are you ok?” is rarely going to get an honest answer, and why just telling them “I was thinking of you, and wanted to remind you that I love you” is so much more helpful. It’s not dependent on honesty from them – either with you, or themselves.

           

          SUICIDE

          Ever notice how many times someone kills themselves, and the people left behind say “I had no idea it was so bad”? Yeah, that’s not a fucking accident.

          The key thing is – if someone you know or love kills themselves due to depression, do NOT think for a second you could have helped them “if only you’d known.” They hid it from you for a reason. And that was THEIR CHOICE.

          Just like killing themselves was their choice. Ok, agreed, definitely a shitty choice – and god, it can do massive damage to those left behind (I’ve seen it rip families apart). The thing is, when you’re that low, in that much mental and emotional pain, you kill yourself because it feels like the only possible way out.

          You kill yourself because you can’t take it any more.

          You kill yourself because you just want to end the pain.

          ALL THESE THINGS ARE FALSE. Of course.

          Easy to see if you’re not depressed.

          But while you’re in it? They FEEL true.

          If you’re left behind, as much as you may disagree with this choice (and for many valid reasons), however much you may hate them for making it, be angry at them, curse their name – RESPECT their choice. It’s theirs to make. Yes, it’s the ultimately shitty choice (since it removes all other possible choices), but it’s still their choice.

          Most importantly, NEVER blame yourself for their choice. What’s done is done. Your responsibility is to the living, yourself included. Be loving (when it’s finally possible). Be forgiving (when it’s finally possible). Look after those around you. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

           

           

          WHAT YOU CAN DO IF SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS DEPRESSED

          As I mentioned above, I can only talk about what has helped me. Here’s what’s really made a difference:

          Help out with the side effects of depression

          Maybe bring beer, crank up music and clean their house (IF IF IF they’re ok with that). Take them out somewhere cheapish (to minimise guilt) and pay (if money is what’s depressing them). Hang out their washing or look after their kids. Hugs, long hugs, always hugs. It really doesn’t matter. What you’re doing here is making their life FEEL “less bad”, without forcing them to think about their shit. That’s key. As long as they don’t feel like you’re babying them, or being condescending, you should be fine.

          Be compassionate

          Don’t try to “fix” them. Just be patient, empathetic, understanding and give them a LOT of leeway. See above re resilience, apathy and helplessness.

          Look after them in non direct ways

          In my case, I had a friend who brought me food around, every week or so, for six months. Easy stuff that required no effort. I wouldn’t have eaten if it wasn’t for her. Spend time with them (go to THEM, if needed), and talk about non-emotional stuff, or just general junk. It’s helping them be social (often useful) but with minimal effort from them, and, most importantly, allowing them to avoid thinking or talking about their shit. So yes, escapism, in a way – but healthier escapism.

          If they want to talk, let them, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT or “telling your story”

          This can be tricky. Often when listening we’ll want to “share our similar story”. There’s a time for this, but if they barely have the energy to get out of bed, they definitely don’t have the bandwidth to help you with your shit. Remember, you’re the strong one in this moment. What you’re aiming for is empathy – understanding and sharing their feelings. Pointing out how things could have been worse is rarely helpful. Offering solutions (unless you’re going to do it for them AND they’re ok with it) is probably not helpful. If they’re talking, just open your heart, shut up and listen. Make them know you’re paying attention (eye contact, whatever level of physical contact they’re comfortable with, encouraging noises), but other than that, this is their time to talk. This can be VERY helpful.

           

          All these things, really, come down to one thing: MAKE THEM FEEL LOVED. Of course, you can’t MAKE them feel anything, but you can do a hell of a lot to make sure the right signals are being sent out from your end.

          Now, coming right out and saying “I love you” isn’t a terrible idea, but it’s very possible it won’t get through. They’re in a dark place. However, actions speak louder than words. Particularly non-confrontational actions that don’t remind them how crap everything is; maybe distract them a bit, and make their life that tiny bit better. THAT kind of love does get through – even if they’re not in a place where they can vocally acknowledge it.

           

           

          THINGS THAT MAY HELP YOUR DEPRESSION

          Here are some of the common solutions:

          EXERCISE

          This is good for a few reasons. It gets you out of the house. Forces you to interact with people. Gets endorphins pumping through your brain. Helps your lymphatic system remove toxins from your body. Gives you a target to aggressively burn off stress. All these things are net-positive.

          In my experience? When I was seriously low, I was also exercising to an insane degree. Eg, beyond the point of muscle fatigure (I couldn’t stand up), almost every day of the week. Did it help? Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t think it made me feel significantly better, but I do know I would have felt a lot worse if I wasn’t. Plus, it was a GREAT way to burn off stress energy (from the dozens of shitty things that were happening in my life at that time).

           

          DRUGS

          Several members of my family have taken these, and they’ve helped. I never have, but I suspect I may have benefited. Sadly, when I needed it most, I couldn’t even afford to go to the doctor to get a prescription.

          The key thing to remember is this. SSRI’s (common anti-depression medication) do NOT make you happier. What they do is smooth out the peaks and troughs of your emotional state. So, they cut the terrible crushing lows out of your life, but they also cut off any highs you may have been experiencing. They numb you. You don’t feel incredibly shitty any more, but mostly because you don’t really feel much of anything any more.

          You also have to be very careful with WHICH meds you take. Many of the side effects are worse than depression. Eg, extreme anxiety (which doctors, ever helpfully, then prescribe anti-anxiety meds for as well – coz hey, more drugs are better, right?). Some SSRI’s I’ve read about include significant risk of suicide. Yes, anti depression drugs that massively increase the likelihood of you killing yourself. Seriously. Do your research. Pay attention to how they make you feel, and changes in your mood, behaviour and health.

          Also useful is to only be on them for a short period of time, say, six months. Often this will be long enough for you to get the rest of your life together, and that’s all you need. Long term drug use (any drugs) can be quite damaging on the body, or even seriously life shortening.

          Remember: pharmaceutical companies make money from selling you drugs, not from making you healthy. Their ideal patient is one who feels terrible but doesn’t quite die. In a lot of ways they’re extremely evil; don’t trust them. By all means use their products if you think they’ll help, but don’t ever, ever trust them – or their marketing departments.

          Now, one thing I have found to be useful – for VERY short periods (eg, drinking too much yesterday and feeling a bit lower than usual today) is 5-HTP. You can get it from a lot of supplement shops, although you may have to ask for it. Don’t take it more than 3-4 times a week, but it’s definitely a very useful “get my brain chemistry up off the floor” tool. Once it kicks in and you feel less like death, you can then apply everything else here.

           

          BE SOCIAL

          As long as it’s possible to do so without exacerbating what you’re feeling (eg spending money you don’t have, seeing someone who’s hurting you etc), or talking about your own problems, this can be helpful.

          Definitely there’s positive neurochemicals that get released when we socialise.

          If you have a loving family, this is perfect. They already know all your junk anyway, so you don’t need to talk about it much. They’ll be mostly infinitely patient with you (they’ve put up with you this long, right?) and really, nothing is going to phase them. It’s a perfect combo.

           

          SUNLIGHT/VITAMIN D

          Can’t argue with this one – just for goodness sake wear sunscreen!

          Low vitamin D levels are directly co-related to depression. This is also one of the likely explanations behind Season Affective Disorder.

           

          DRINK WATER

          Your body is 70% water. It NEEDS water. Not juice. Not coffee. Not beer. Not soda. Water.

          Every organ in your body needs water in order to work properly. Very likely, a LOT more water than you’re currently drinking.

          Just do it. You’ll thank me.

           

          EAT LESS CRAPPY FOOD

          Junk/fast food makes you 51% more likely to be depressed, according to one study. Either way, artificial sweeteners, colouring, flavouring and high levels of fat, sugar and salt can NOT be good for you. They do evil things to your body AND brain chemistry. Every once in a while isn’t going to end the world, but by all means do all you can to drop your usage, if possible. It’ll help.

          I definitely noticed a strong correlation between eating crappy food and feeling bad afterwards. On a couple of occasions I noticed the effects still screwing me up several days later. It’s bad stuff!

           

          DRINK LESS CAFFEINE

          I think in my earlier “industrial strength depression” days, a large factor in feeling so bad was how much coffee I was drinking – up to 8 or 9 cups a day.

          In brief, this fritzed out my energy system. Made me super tense/stressed. It threw my body into fight-or-flight mode, and my adrenal gland into overdrive.

          These days, I avoid caffeine altogether, and I’m feeling a LOT calmer, and much less likely to slump.

          The other thing that caffeine does is disrupt the regularity of your heart beat, ie your heart-rate variability (HRV). These heart rhythms regulate your entire physical system. Studies have shown that disrupted HRV is heavily correlated to depression, anger etc, and that improving your HRV will show immediate improvements in your well being.

          Also remember, green tea has caffeine, and decaf doesn’t mean no-caf. Decaf still has about 30% of the caffeine of regular tea/coffee. This is because they start with regular tea/coffee and remove the caffeine, just not particularly effectively.

           

          MINIMISE/AVOID ALCOHOL

          This is a biggie. Alcohol, while initially a stimulant (gets sugar into your blood stream quickly, and makes you feel slightly “up”) is ultimately a depressant.

          I remember a few years back, walking to work and screaming in my head how much I hated my life. Then I had to stop and look around. I was walking along the Thames on a gorgeous sunny morning, to a job I really enjoyed that paid extremely well, had a loving girlfriend and a fantastic apartment. What. The. Hell. Then I remembered – I’d had two pints the night before. It wasn’t actually my life that was awful, just residual alcohol screwing me up.

          It’s very common to feel a LOT better if we can cut down (or out completely) the booze from our lives.

           

          MINIMISE/AVOID SUGAR

          Yes, sugar makes you feel better – initially. But, much like alcohol, then there’s a crash that comes after that. Doing that manic up/down to your nervous system isn’t good for you, and definitely doesn’t make you feel better.

          These days, I have almost zero sugar in my diet, and I feel a ton better for it (plus my skin looks great).

          You don’t need to go crazy about this. Less is always better, but if you want to eat that chocolate? Go ahead and do it. Being loving to yourself is WAY more important than being militant.

          On a related note, a lot of alcoholics are actually sugar addicts (or, specifically, their brains have certain imbalances that make them crave sugar). So, they go cold turkey and eat a lot of sugar instead, which gets them hyper, then slightly more depressed, so they eat even more sugar… eventually, they get so low, they have another drink. Voila, recidivism.

           

          MINIMISE/AVOID TV

          TV is a brilliant escape mechanism. However, its primary effect is merely to help us avoid thinking about ourselves. Additionally, it fills our head with the stories we’re seeing. Which, if you think about it, are someone else’s stories, not the stories we want to create for ourselves in our lives.

          If you’re watching people be chopped up, struggling with life, and in pain (ie, DRAMA), guess what is going to be whirling around in your head?

          Now, there is always a place for watching something inspiring, or something that you know will unfailing cheer you up. However, balance is critical, and it’s super easy to overdose on TV, simply because it’s so low effort, at a time when we have zero energy left for anything else.

           

          HAVE STRUCTURE IN YOUR LIFE

          This is one I haven’t always managed to do so well.

          For example, if you have a regular job, it (more or less) forces you into bed at a semi-reasonable hour; out of bed at a consistent time; food in the morning; some exercise; some socialising, etc. Even on your most lack lustre day, you can say “at least I went to work.” These tiny wins can make a HUGE difference.

          Having regular patterns makes it easier to do the things that we know will help us: Eat regularly; exercise; minimise crap TV etc. It helps us to achieve things that will help us, without feeling like it’s requiring effort. We get the win without the feeling of pain or struggle.

          As well, there are little patterns of structure that can be helpful.

          I’ve found that forcing myself to make my bed every day makes me feel better about my life. (Duvets are great). It’s a tiny thing, but it means when I look at my room, a large swathe of it looks tidy, beautiful, perfect. So, my head fills with thoughts like that, rather than “ugh, everything’s awful.”

          See also keeping my desk clean(ish). Always keeping a glass of water on my desk. Unsubscribing from the endless streams of daily emails I never read anyway but just stress me out. Chucking dishes in the dishwasher (I haven’t actually DONE any cleaning, but at least I don’t have to see the mess) and so on.

           

          GET ENOUGH SLEEP

          Most people need 6-9 hours sleep. Long term sleep deprivation is positively correlated to depression. Also, allow yourself a few days or a week of this before you pass judgement. It can take a while for our bodies to recover if we’ve been hammering them hard for a while.

          Of course, there’s also the issue of oversleeping. If you’re struggling to get out of bed after ten hours, you might be having too much sleep.

          It’s a tricky balancing act, but these days the vast majority of people are sleep depped. You probably are too. An hour or two more a night will make you feel marvellous.

           

          GO EASY ON YOURSELF

          This is critical. Allow yourself to be slack, without feeling bad about it. You’re already struggling, you don’t need to make it worse by beating yourself up.

          Give yourself time and space. Be gentle. Lower your self expectations. BE LOVING. This is more important than anything else.

           

           

          AN APPROACH THAT WILL DEFINITELY HELP DEPRESSION

          Here’s what helped me (apart from all the little things above). This is the biggie.

           

          1. Get rid of the crappy thoughts

          Very often, horrible life events (or even just unending, grinding ennui) will drive us into depression.

          We can look around and see completely defensible, valid reasons to be depressed.

          I’m not going to argue that.

          However, there is one thing that happens that really doesn’t help us at all.

          We start thinking about all those crappy things.

          And what does thinking about something miserable do? It makes us feel miserable. This isn’t rocket science.

          The more miserable we feel, well, the closer we get to actually being depressed. We stop looking after ourselves. We stop enjoying ourselves, and the whole sorry mess spirals down the drain.

          There’s no denying the external facts of our life. BUT! We have complete control over what we think about.

          So, here’s what I’ve done that helped me achieve that.

          The first thing is – saying we have complete control over what we think sounds like bullshit. And if we’re depressed, lethargic and miserable, it’s going to FEEL like bullshit too.

          But, there are tricks.

          The first real issue is the automatic thoughts. Stuff that just echoes constantly in our heads.

          If we were talking about requiring self-discipline to get this done, yep, we’d be screwed. If we can’t control our mind enough to get out of bed, we’re hardly in a position to stop our automatic thoughts. Fortunately though, you can get this done without requiring any self-discipline at all.

          Myself, I used EFT/tapping on every thought I had more than a few times a day. Sounds like a lot of effort, but really, it’s mostly the same very few crappy things repeating over, and over, and OVER. Tapping on them got them the hell out of my head. This brought serious relief.

          The other good thing with tapping is, you don’t need to be in an emotionally strong place to use it. Or sober. Or calm. In fact, the more upset you are, the more beneficial it is. I’ve had times where I’ve been lying on my bed, or on the floor in the shower, crying, and tapping. It’s desperate, but it really helped. A few rounds of that and the energy passes, the thoughts subsume, and I started feeling better (and thirsty!)

          The short version is this: If you’re not enjoying any thought you’re having? Why have it. Tap that sucker out.

          These days I’m mostly in a much calmer place, so I can use other, often faster tools – eg releasing, or just choosing to focus on and let that thought/energy go.

          It all helps. Every thought released is one that doesn’t own you any more. YOU’RE THE BOSS OF YOUR HEAD. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you will get there, eventually.

           

          2. Get rid of the dark cloud

          This is a bit more subtle, but it’s what I experienced.

          Once I had cleared my head of most/all of the negative automatic thoughts that swirled endlessly around, I could see something else.

          Now, this was a very subtle thing. Sort of like the kind of thing you’d only ever see out of the corner of your eye.

          What I sensed was this endless, eternal dark cloud. It was like a heavy blanket, laid over everything in my awareness.

          It was definitely a “below the level of consciousness” thing. And it wasn’t attached to any specific set of thoughts or situation. It just WAS. Always.

          Once I saw it, I could address it. Silly little thing, but really, all I did was talk about it – describe it, how it felt, etc. Sent it some love (ie, let go of resisting it), and tap a few rounds while thinking about it and talking about it. As I did that, I could watch it dissolving in front of me.

          Really, that was all it took. Very simple – once I saw it.

          I’ve done this maybe three times in total? The first level went, and a few months later I could see/sense a slightly more subtle (less overwhelming) black blanket, with different texture and feeling. Then again with a very light grey one a couple of months after that. Now I don’t feel one at all.

          Life FEELS different.

           

          3. Refocus on the positive

          Exactly the opposite of letting go of focusing on the negative.

          If thinking about miserable junk all day makes you feel bad, how will thinking about exciting, joyous, invigorating stuff make you feel?

          Now ok – there’s a reason this is step three. Start with the big ugly stuff first. However, once that relents a little, the time is perfect to really kick it up a notch.

          Think about stuff that makes you feel really, really good.

          This is the key. It’s not really about the thoughts. It’s about the feelings attached to them. You want to think about things that make you FEEL amazing.

          This is why “just think positive” never really works. You have to FEEL positive too. Of course, easier said than done – but once again, we have some (not so) secret tricks.

          When you start trying to do this, your brain will be screaming in protest – wah, how can I, all this stuff in my life is broken ETC.

          It’s all bullshit.

          Consider worrying. We all do it. What are we doing? We’re imagining stuff that hasn’t happened yet. Negative stuff.

          So, how is imagining positive stuff that hasn’t happened any different? We should be great at it!

          It’s not. It’s just that our brain is geared to focus on the negative – particularly when we’re feeling down.

          Here’s the secret though – that part of your brain that screams in protest if you try to imagine and FEEL something good happening? THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAT IS COMPLAINING IS WHAT IS CAUSING YOU THE PAIN.

          How does that work?

          If something bad is happening in your life, but you don’t care about it? It’s not going to affect you negatively, is it? It’s only the fact that we judge things as bad that allows them to affect us. It’s only that our brains continue to spew negative crap when we’re trying to focus on the positive (be thankful, be grateful, enjoy life etc) that makes it so difficult to consistently do so.

          Here’s where, once more, EFT (or other healing tools) can be damn useful.

          Sit down and tap (or whatever tool feels right for you) while you focus on things that make you feel great. Then just let all those horrible complaining screaming voices come to the surface. The EFT (or whatever) will clear them all out. Seriously.

          In fact, in a weird kind of way, doing this exercise (tapping while focusing on the positive) is even more effective than tapping while focusing on the negative voices. However, it is useful to clear a decent amount of the negative stuff first. It just helps.

          Remember, it’s ok to start small. Maybe your positive thought for today is how nice you’d feel, all clean after a shower. Or how much better you’ll feel if you do some washing. Or change your socks. Or smell the grass. That’s ok too. That’s perfect, in fact.

          These things will build up over time. If you feel amazing dreaming of being on a yacht, then do that. If you feel amazing dreaming of having new slippers, do that. The size doesn’t matter, only that it makes you feel good. You can always work your way up to bigger dreams as you start to get your life in order.

          When we’re depressed, we spend every second of our day thinking negative, miserable, dis-empowering, non-loving thoughts.

          Even if we only get five minutes a day where we’re thinking the exact opposite, it’s going to help enormously. It’s the first crack in the dam. The split in the concrete through which a tiny leaf of joy can start to ever so hesitantly grow.

           

          4. Take it a day at a time

          One problem with our brains is that we instinctively worry. When we worry, we’re usually panicking endlessly about things that haven’t happened yet – or worse, may not ever happen.

          To get back on track, you have to just let go of all of this junk. The rule that worked well for me was – if it wasn’t happening in the next business day, I just wouldn’t think about it. Or I’d put off thinking about it as much as possible, unless there was genuinely something I could do about it.

          Even just the “I’ll think about that next week” brought relief.

          The key is – focus on today. What small things CAN be done. What will improve my life, even a little? Half heartedly push a vacuum cleaner around? Ok, I’ll do that. Leave the house for the first time in almost a month? Well, ok, but just to walk around the block. Sit in the shower? Well, at least I’ll be clean, ok then.

          These little steps are important. They’re you loving yourself, which matters. They’re also you helping your life.

          Most importantly though they’re you going easy on yourself. Letting go of endlessly beating yourself up. Accepting that you’re in a bit of a hole so the rules are different, AND THAT’S OK.

          Try to relax all the muscles in your body. There’s typically specific places we hold our mental tension (shoulders, upper back or neck are common). Relaxing the physical muscles helps us let go of that mental stress.

          Try saying “I love you“ to yourself. Just repeat it like a mantra. I know it’s a bit whack, and you very likely do NOT feel like it’s true. That’s ok. Tap at the same time if you want to kick it along a notch. Just try to let go a little of the parts of you that don’t believe it. The more you say it (and let go of the opposition), the more it’ll feel true.

          Try improving your posture, just a teeny bit. Sit up instead of slumping. It’ll help.

          Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Forgive those around you for hurting you. And ask for their forgiveness. No, really.

          All these little things help. But really, it’s just about getting through today. Trying to make today, IF you feel up to it, slightly better than yesterday. But if you don’t? That’s ok too. Have a good night’s sleep and tomorrow you can try again.

          Shrink the size of what you’re looking at trying to achieve until it feels possible. If breathing for today is it, then that’s totally fine. Keep breathing for today. Tomorrow you can always try a little more.

           

           

          IN SUMMARY

          None of these things are quick fixes.

          If you’re depressed, it typically feels like things will NEVER get better. That’s ok. Just allow yourself to accept that maybe that’s not totally true.

          It’s a long game, so give yourself space to take time with it.

          Even with the healing stuff (which often feels utterly miraculous), I’ve just kept chipping away over the last decade or so.

          I haven’t felt that industrial strength depression in years. I wouldn’t go back for all the money in the world. I feel like, and am, a completely different person these days.

          In general, even if I’m not feeling exactly HAPPY all day every day, I am so much calmer. So much more content with life. More peaceful, more loving. Much quicker to laugh. More so than ever before.

          It’s not a journey that’s over yet, for me at least. These tools are things I’ve found helpful, and things I’ll continue using into the future.

          If we’re lucky, some of them may help you or someone you love too.

           

          Are you depressed?

          The Burns Depression Checklist

          Rate the following questions according to the scale. Sum the total from all questions.

          Ratings Scale:
          0 = not at all
          1 = somewhat
          2 = moderately
          3 = a lot

          1. SADNESS: Have you been feeling blue or “down in the dumps”?
          2. DISCOURAGEMENT: Have you been feeling that the future is bleak and hopeless, that thingswill never change, or that problems will never be solved?
          3. LOW SELF-ESTEEM: Have you been feeling inadequate or worthless?
          4. GUILT: Have you been blaming yourself for your weaknesses, shortcomings or mistakes?
          5. INDECISIVENESS: Have you been struggling with making decisions?
          6. IRRITABILITY, FRUSTRATION: Have you been feeling resentful or angry a good deal of the time?
          7. LOSS OF INTEREST IN LIFE: Have you lost interest in your career, hobbies or daily activities?
          8. LOSS OF INTEREST IN PEOPLE: Have you lost interest in your friends, family and partner?
          9. LOSS OF MOTIVATION: Have you needed to push yourself hard to do things? Have you been procrastinating?
          10. POOR SELF-IMAGE: Have you been feeling negative about your appearance?
          11. APPETITE CHANGES: Have you lost your appetite or have you been overeating or binging?
          12. SLEEP CHANGES: Have you had difficulty falling asleep and sleeping soundly? Or conversely, have you been excessively tired and sleeping too much?
          13. LOSS OF LIBIDO: Have you lost interest in sex? Are people whom you once found attractive no longer appealing to you?
          14. HYPOCHONDRIA: Have you been excessively worried about your health or preoccupied with your aches and pains?
          15. SUICIDAL IMPULSES: Have you thought that life is not worth living and that you would rather be dead? Have you been having suicidal fantasies or impulses or making suicide plans?

          Score:
          0–4 = minimal or no depression
          5–10 = borderline depression
          11-15= mild depression
          16-25= moderate depression
          26-45= severe depression

          Professional help is recommended with a total score over 11 points.

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