si dawson

experiments in self-improvement

Category: healing

April 29, 2009

Happiness Is Always A Choice

So let’s rock this up a notch. We’ve already discussed that we are not our thoughts or emotions. We’ve checked out not verbalising negative thoughts. What’s the next logical thing to do?

Take it back a step, of course.

If we’re not our thoughts or emotions, well, who controls them?

We do! We’re the damn boss, & it’s about time they knew that.

Oooh, easier said than done, of course (or is it?) If you’ve (as I have) spent a lifetime believing that our thoughts & emotions were us, it can be a tricky mindset to adjust.

  • “I’m angry”
  • “I feel cheated”
  • “I worried about this”

Nope, completely wrong.

  • “I’m experiencing feelings of anger”
  • “I’m experiencing feelings of being cheated”
  • “I’m experiencing thoughts of worry”

walk_or_fly.jpg
Choose to walk? Choose to fly. Pic by missvivienne

Ever seen kids at play? They bang themselves, cry, then two minutes later they’re back playing again, as happily as if it never happened.

What’s going on here? Ok, short attention span might help. Being in the moment definitely helps, but a very important factor is this:

They haven’t been trained that they’re “supposed” to hang onto things yet.

They don’t know about holding onto grudges, or resentment, or pain.

Remember the first time someone really, deeply, hurt you? Still feel that?

Well, how long are you going to hold onto that pain for? Hell, for all you know, the person that caused it is dead now.

Ok ok, so I’m not saying this to belittle the pain you’ve experienced in your life. Not at all.

The point is this – we make a choice. We always make a choice.

With every thought, every emotion, we make a choice. Hold onto it, or let it go.

Sometimes we have rules. Eg, it’s ok for us to let go of these thoughts or emotions:

  • After a certain period of time (“Oh, that was years ago”)
  • After the other person has behaved a certain way (eg, apologised)
  • After the other person has suffered
  • .. or is dead.

All these rules. Why? They’re all bullshit.

They’re all rules that we’re holding onto that stop us from experiencing happiness now.

How about if you had new rules.

  • When the physical pain dissipates, I choose to forget about the incident that caused it
  • It’s safe to let go of pain, because I remember the lessons learned
  • Regardless of how those around me behave, I am the boss of my emotions, & I’ll choose how I react (if at all)
  • I will only continue to entertain thoughts that I enjoy & let the rest go
  • I will actively choose to think thoughts that make me feel better
  • If doing something makes me feel better, I’ll do it more often.
  • If doing soomething makes me feel worse, I’ll do it less.

Or, best of all, just decide, “I’m the boss of how anything makes me feel.”

Because, & here’s a huge secret, YOU ARE.

pick_flower.jpg
pic by phuongthao202002

Now yes yes, I can hear you bringing up objections. Life isn’t always that simple. It’s complicated, messy, we never know what’s happening next.

Well here’s another secret (I’m full of them today). It’s not about being perfect. It’s just about being better. Just a little better, tiny steps at a time.

Sure, we all have days where we’re a bit slow on the uptake. Get into a bad spiral & take a while to twig to what’s going on. That’s perfectly ok. Totally normal. Utterly usual.

The point is simply that every moment we choose a higher vibration thought or emotion over a lower one. Ie, we choose to let go of things that bug us, is a moment we become happier.

Another great thing about this process is that if we truly let go, then those thoughts & emotions, over time, stop recurring.

We do, genuinely become happier.

How do I know this? Well, this is exactly what I’ve been doing over the last few weeks.

In some very real & measurable senses, my life is currently the worst it’s ever been. Know what? I don’t care. Sure, I’ve had some freakouts. Total wigouts where I’ve been a mess for a day. Then I pick myself up, let go of the crappy thoughts & emotions. Heal anything obvious.

And then? Yes. Feel better. Feel happy. Truly. Peacefully.

Even in this situation, I can honestly say I have never felt happier in my life. What’s more, every day I know I’m slightly happier than the day before, on average.

The mess around me will be sorted, and soon. Life always changes, & external things will improve. And I’ll be happy then too. Because I’ve chosen to be. Just made a decision “I don’t care what happens around me, I’m going to do everything I possibly can to be happy.”

Life has ups & downs, definitely, but the more of those downs I choose to let go of, the happier I’m becoming… and if I can do it, so can you. One thought, one emotion at a time.

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    March 22, 2009

    The Mirror Exercise

    This is an oldie but goodie. Its simplicity belies its power.

    Regardless of how easy it is to lie to someone else, it’s much, much harder to lie to ourselves. At least, it’s much harder when we’re actively paying attention.

    Find a mirror & some personal space. Look yourself in the eyes, & say “I love you.”

    That’s it. Just say that. Over & over. Out loud. Try to mean it, feel it.

    Now, don’t be surprised if you find this difficult. Saying it & really meaning it will often trigger things deep within us. Doubts, fears, negative self-image, and so on.

    beauty_monster.jpg
    pic by leenah

    Deep down, everyone harbours dark thoughts about themselves.

    That’s ok. The important thing is just to be sincere. If saying “I love you” is too difficult, start small.

    “You have nice hands”
    “Your hair doesn’t totally suck”
    “Umm, nice socks”

    It really doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s better to say something small & seemingly irrelevant with deep conviction than something stronger with no energy behind it.

    Some tips:

    • Compliment yourself sincerely.
    • Be specific, go into details.
    • Keep eye contact, don’t let your eyes gaze over.
    • Use your name, like you’re talking to another person.
    • Mix it up – try to think of every positive thing you possibly can about yourself.
    • Be persistent, don’t be afraid to say the same thing over & over if you feel things shifting
    • If any emotion or tension arises, this is good. Just accept it, & let it go.

    The important thing is just to give yourself approval, no matter how small. Larger things will come easier with time.

    The other thing that will make a big difference? Do it for a while. More than just a minute or two. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, half an hour or longer if you can manage it.

    I know when I first started doing this – I couldn’t even look myself in the eye. I’d catch myself looking away, or blinking. It was quite surreal. When I finally managed to hold my own gaze, I felt I couldn’t say “I love you” without feeling like a phoney. Another surprise. Then, I just felt waves of emotion cascading out of me. Tears. Relief, then finally joy & peaceful self-acceptance.

    Anytime you want to feel good about yourself, this is a sure fire way to do it.

    It’s surprising, but such a simple little thing as giving ourselves genuine approval is some of the most powerful self-healing we can do.

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      March 20, 2009

      You Are Not Your Thoughts, Emotions Or Body

      Here’s an old, but useful exercise:

      Pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking right now?

      Ok. Good.

      Here’s another one:

      What are you feeling right now? What is your primary emotion?

      Ok, excellent. Bear with me.

      If you lost your little finger in an accident, would you still be you? Or, put another way, since every cell in your body replaces itself every 7-10 years, or sooner, at any point do you stop being you?

      See, it breaks down like this. If you can be aware of your thoughts, then you are not your thoughts. We have thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.
      With emotions, it’s even more obvious. Unfortunately in English we say things like “I am angry.” In French or German things are more instructive. They say “I have anger.” We have emotions, but we are not our emotions.
      We are obviously not our physical body either. We have a body, but there’s something more going on.

      If you’ve read a little bit, I’m sure none of this is a surprise. Eckhart Tolle talks about these realisations as part of his enlightenment experience. Oh, & if you get the chance to see him live, I thoroughly recommend it, he’s a superbly entertaining speaker.

      Of course, this is the point where I could totally understand you saying “Well, ok, so what?” & fair enough too.

      This is one of those understandings that it’s easy to have intellectually, but might take years before it’s really cemented into your being. Really knowing something in your heart can be funny like that.

      If we’re not our thoughts, emotions or bodies, then what are we? Well, that’s another good question. I don’t have any easy answers to that, except to say that we’re what’s left when thoughts & emotions are taken away. We’re the space in which they form.

      I’m not generally a huge fan of philosophical posturing. You can sit around & talk nonsense for years, but how does it help unless you actually apply it, or do something, or change something?

      So, here’s something useful you can do with this information.

      If you’re not your thoughts, or your emotions, then when you sense these things arising, you can let them go, just as easily as they arose.

      If you start thinking something that takes you out of your place of joy (or just generally makes you feel bad), then realise they’re just thoughts, spontaneously arising. You don’t have to keep thinking them. You don’t have to stay focussed on that subject. Just let it go. Drop it, or if that doesn’t work, distract yourself with something you enjoy more. Why not? I mean, who’s the boss – you, or your thoughts?

      Same thing with emotions. Feel a negative emotion, you don’t have to keep feeling that. You’ll only keep feeling it for as long as you choose to. I realise this is a little inflammatory, we’re more or less raised to believe that emotions are these powerful things that we either feel intensely, or completely deny (There’s that “I am angry” or “I am not angry” thing again).

      Bottom line though, who’s the boss of you? Are your emotions the boss of you? Well, no, they’re not. You can see this when you see two people experience the same event, and react completely differently. Or by watching how much people vary in terms of calming down after an upsetting event.

      Emotions do tend to be a little more overwhelming at times. There are many ways to gain control back though. EFT is a good one – that’ll allow you to drop any negative emotional reaction altogether. Meditation, Yoga & exercise are helpful too. Anything that helps you maintain your centre, your sense of self – rather than being swept away with events around you.

      Once you realise that thoughts & emotions are not you, just things happening to you, you’re taking a huge, positive step towards freedom. The more you let go of them as they occur, the less power they have over you, & the more they start to disappear. The more they disappear, the calmer your life becomes, & the more you become, well, you. That sparkling ball of light, love & energy right at the core of your being. The part of you that people fall in love with. The part of you that your friends (the good ones, not the bitchy ones) adore so much.

      Well, that’s a pretty tall order, so where to start? Just start by paying a little attention. Notice when thoughts or emotions are running away from you. Give yourself a chance to step back a little, let them go. Even just doing that tiny little thing will start to pay dividends immediately. After all, what do you have to lose? The real You, not the thinking/emoting/farting you?

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        March 18, 2009

        These Are Not Your Stories

        I was at a shaman workshop last weekend, and the concept of “the stories of our life” came up.

        This makes a lot more sense than merely the singular “story of our life.”

        Our lives are a multitude of layers, thousands of experiences, all layered upon each other, all combining together to make the gloriousness that is us!

        patchwork_lives.jpg

        So, first thing to do is recognise these stories for what they are. How do we find them? Easy, just switch off your thinking brain, & start writing!

        Eg, for me, they’d go something like:

        • I was born in Australa (that’s a story)
        • We moved around a lot when I was a kid (another story)
        • I grew up in a lower-middle class family

        and so on..

        The critical thing here is this – when we think about identity, ourselves, who we are, it’s these stories that define us. These are the things that we tell ourselves over & over each day, in the back of our minds.

        And that’s exactly the problem.

        The more we tell ourselves these stories, the more they define us.

        You get in a troubled relationship, make the mistake of extrapolating a bit too much, & start telling yourself “I always fall for the wrong guy/gal”, and hey presto, you’re going to start doing that in your life. These are self fulfilling prophecies.

        Imagine having a guy who followed you around all day, whispering in your ear “you suck!” or “you’re a failure!”. How long do you think before your life really did start sucking? (or, perhaps a better move, you punched him out).

        The problem is, this is exactly what our mind is doing to us. It’s why shamans deliberately let go of their stories as part of their training. Why buddhists learn to detach themselves from their egos. It’s all the same thing.

        Now, that’s a pretty big goal, so what’s a good first step?

        Well, how about realising that a whole bunch of these stories aren’t even ours?

        90% of what happened before I left home? Those aren’t my stories.

        Anything I didn’t directly choose, or was just something I was told? Those aren’t my stories.

        I didn’t choose to move around as a child. I didn’t choose where to live, how much money the family had, & so on. These were my parents’ decisions. Sure, they affected me at the time, but they’re only my stories if I choose to make them so. They only continue to affect me if I choose to make them part of the collection of stories I tell myself.

        Even just changing the focus can help enormously. “I’m from a lower-middle class family” to “I had lower-middle class parents” or “My parents were lower-middle class.” At each step removed it’s less & less self-defining, so the story has less power. If you want to keep it at all.

        Ditto with relationships. How many relationships have you been in where this person, that you chose, respected & loved has told you something terrible about yourself? You’re a terrible lover, useless in business, embarrassing to be seen with, and so on.

        Why are you choosing to continue telling yourself that story? (“I’m embarrassing to be seen with”). It’s not your story, it’s just their opinion, their story.

        We have the choice, we always have the choice not to continue telling ourselves these stories.

        Realising that we have these stories is an important first step.
        Identifying which ones we can let go of is enormously empowering.
        An easy first step is to chuck out all the ones we have that were never ours to begin with.
        When we can finally release them all, then we’re well on the way to being truly free to live.

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          December 19, 2008

          Rewrite Your Past

          Memory is notoriously unreliable.

          It’s a fair bet that most of the memories we have are confused, jumbled, or otherwise incorrect. Certainly not accurate enough to hold up in court – this is, after all, why policemen write down everything at the scene of a crime.

          The funny thing is, these are the memories that we torture ourselves with. Regret over things done or not done. Disappointment at other people & ourselves. Perceived failures & missed opportunities.

          Even when we’re not actively beating ourselves up, those memories are still there in the background, providing (unpleasant) flavour.

          If our memories are likely to be wrong (to some degree) anyway, why not at least make them pleasantly wrong? Who’s to say they have to be an accurate reflection of the past? Surely what happens in your head is 100% your business?

          Of course, changing your memory of your phone number isn’t the cleverest thing in the world, but there are plenty of other juicy candidates. How about

          • all those situations where you’ve been socially confident, the life of the party
          • the successful presentations you’ve given
          • how popular you were at school
          • all those payraises
          • the deeply loving & supportive relationships
          • the peaceful breakups
          • how effortless it’s been for you to meet new people
          • those moments with your parents where you truly understood how much they loved you
          • that long history of high figure sales
          • the times you’ve stunned those around you with your brilliance & insight

          You get the idea! Make your (remembered) life as beautiful, poetic & magical as you like!

          joyful_thought.jpg pic by alicepopkorn

          It’s your brain – own it!

          So how to do this? Well, it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than finding a quiet spot, remembering back to specific life situations you’ve had, and imagining them going however-you-want. Keep imagining them until the old memory fades away & the new replaces it (this is very well researched phenomena). If you feel like part of you is struggling with this, you can always tap while you do it, but that’s totally up to you.

          Your life is nothing but the sum of your memories. Why not start a new life, right now?

          Just start with whatever pops in your head. Recreate your memories, making them as awesome as you possibly can. As Orwell famously said “Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.” Well you control the present.

          As within, so without.

          & here’s a little anecdote to whet your appetite. I had a particular situation with a certain person a few years back, where perhaps they didn’t give me the recognition or appreciation I would have liked. In the few years since then, they’ve never really mentioned this, let alone made any kind of big deal about it. Just not in their nature.

          So hey, I did the above. Imagined them really understanding how much effort I’d put in to help them.. and showing me. I imagined myself feeling deeply appreciated. Loved. Thanked. It was awesome! *laugh*

          Didn’t take long. The whole thing? Maybe 5 minutes.

          The only difference I could outwardly detect was that I felt more loving towards them. That aside, I promptly forgot about it.

          Next day, I’m surfing the web, & what do I find? A couple of paragraphs in a very public location, from them, acknowledging & stating exactly what I’d imagined. Giving me that thanks, that appreciation. Exactly how I (now) remember it going.

          Coincidence? Maybe. You decide.

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