si dawson

experiments in self-improvement

Category: life

How To Get What You Want In Relationships (But Not What You Asked For)

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to how we attract people into our lives – who we end up in relationships with, and so on. This applies both to intimate relationships, and more importantly friendships (since we generally have far more & are less discriminating with friends than lovers)

It’s pretty obvious (in hindsight) that while a bunch of factors determine our partners – very few of these are actually at the conscious level. You want a guy who treats you well, and yet somehow always end up with angry drunks? Huh?

Here are some of the reasons why this sort of thing happens:

Your Patterns
If you look back over all your relationships, what recurring themes can you see? I don’t mean obvious things like age difference, or hair colour.

I mean things like – were you meeting damaged people & trying to fix them? Were you with people who supported you as much as you supported them, or was it all one sided? Did they respect you? Do you often find yourself in relationships with people that were selfish or self-centred? That have no money themselves but lots of ideas how to spend yours? People that are angry? Rude to waiters? Lazy?

The problem is – whether you’re aware of these patterns or not, whatever it is inside you that is creating them will continue to create them – at least, until you heal the patterns or otherwise clear them out.

For example, I know that until very recently I’ve had a very deep need for approval (Thanks, great-great-great grandma! Fortunately this is sorted now). As such, I’ve regularly got in relationships with “broken” people – not bad people per se, just those with a lot of issues I could then help them with. As I help them, they’re grateful, and voila, my need for approval is fulfilled.

Now, I saw this vividly in my very first relationship – with a suicidal bulemic – and swore I’d never do it again. At a conscious level, I chose to stay away from these situations, and yet – they continued to echo through my life regardless. Despite my best conscious attention, I’ve been involved with a violent alcoholic, an anorexic, sociopathic liars & many serious abuse victims. Most interestingly, none of these attributes were visible in the early stages of the relatonships. There was no way I would know until it was too late.

At some level, I was drawing these situations to myself, despite my best (conscious) intentions.

Their Patterns
There are two people in every relationship (well, ok, excluding polyamory), so it’s worth remembering that any characteristics you have will attract people looking for those attributes.

Think about it this way – whatever you dislike most about yourself? There will be people who are drawn to that (for many reasons). You will be part of completing their deepest desires – even if it’s a part of yourself you don’t particularly want to be sharing with anyone.

Your Fears
One of the most maddening aspects of life is that you not only attract things that you desire, but also things you hate, or fear.

It breaks down like this – anything you place attention on – whether positive or negative – is drawn to you. Yeah yeah, law of attraction, etc etc.

So how does this pan out in relationships? Well, if you have (as I have for years) a fear of being used for your dosh? Sooner or later (or worse – very often) you’re going to end up with someone who is mostly there for the bling. Have a deep fear of jealousy – you’re going to end up with people who make you jealous. Trust me on this – like crazy. Afraid of being cheated on? Your partners will cheat on you. Afraid you might be a loser? You’ll attract people who believe you really are.

And so it goes.

relationship.jpg
pic by McNeny

What To Do About All This
This could get frustratingly depressing very quickly. Hold your hankies though! There is, as always, good news!

The first is to be aware that you always have choice. With the exception of family, every single person in your life is there because you (at some point) chose them to be there. So, you can also choose for them not to be.

It’s also important to realise that unless you’re VERY careful (on an energetic level) every person you interact with will affect you, at some point. Your friends that you see all the time? They’re going to have a huge, cumulative effect on your life. Your boyfriend gets angry at the traffic? You’re going to end up road raging along with him.

So, it’s worth thinking about who you want near you. It’s an important decision, and needs to be made for every significant relationship you have (not just your intimate partners)

Secondly, once you figure out the worst of the patterns, merely being aware of them will help you avoid the most egregious examples. While I may have not have successfully avoided girls with eating disorders, that was the last time I spent time with anyone (friend or partner) who was aggressively suicidal. These are small but important steps that will still save you a world of hurt.

Thirdly, by seeing the patterns, you’ll be able to track them back & heal them. There are tons of tools for doing this of course (heh, I feel like I’m always saying that – but I do keep discovering more of them every week).

Even just giving some thought to your most recent relationship – or your closest current friends, you’ll be able to see definite patterns. If you were using EFT, for example, you could start with something really general like “Even though I attract people that don’t respect me..”. Something non-specific like that probably won’t clear the problem out completely, but it will definitely give you enough traction to really find out what’s going on, & then kick that junk to the curb.

think_baby_think.jpg
pic by Mark_2000

The greatest thing is this – if you’re, say, 30 now, you may live another 100 years (yes, the typical life expectancy for 30 year olds today is 125-150 years).

So, how many friends will you have in the next 100 years? If you make 5 new friends a year, that’s 500 friends. If you have one new partner every 5 years, that’s another 20 intimate relationships. So, even just clearing out one negative pattern will mean you straight away get 500 better friends & 20 better partners. How awesome is that? (answer: unbelievably!)

And if you really get into it? Why, the sky’s the limit! Awesome relationships all round, on the double!!

Share:

    Two Approaches to Trans-Humanism (Who Wants To Live Forever?)

    Post humanism is, essentially, what it will be like to be “more than human” – ie, what are we going to evolve to next. This could be purely biological, purely mechanical, some kind of nano-tech, or a combination of the lot.

    Transhumanism is more or less synonomous with “human enhancement”. This is the stepping stone to post humanism.

    Of course, many people see this as complete nonsense – and that’s totally fine.

    However, assuming people think “Hey, become better? What a great idea!”, there are two main approaches:

    1. Wait Till Technology Does It For You
    I know a guy who’s a great example of this. He’s 29 (but looks 49), chain smokes, does a lot of drugs, and so on. He plays guitar, but his body is so massively crippled that he can’t play it for more than 5 minutes at a time without extreme pain. He can’t do any exercise because every joint in his body hurts. This isn’t a genetic disease – bad life choices have gradually crippled him.

    He’s firmly convinced he will live forever.

    I suggested that perhaps he should cut back on the smoking, but he disagreed. Why? Because he’s sure that ‘science’ will catch up soon enough that it’ll be able to fix all his smoking related issues – oh, and all his other health problems as well.

    Ahh, well. Ok then.

    transhumanism.jpg

    2. Start Now
    Aubrey De Grey is a main figure in the immortality movement. He’s opinionated as hell, so unsurprisingly, his ideas are hotly debated. He does however have some interesting points.

    One of his key tenets is that if you can live another 30 years, then medical technology will improve enough to allow you to live another 30 (in robust health – we’re talking quality of life here too, not just quantity). In the 30 after that, technology will improve to allow another 30 – and so on ad infinitum. A longevity equivalent of Zeno’s dichotomy paradox.

    The critical first step is that you want to hit that +30 year mark in as good a shape as possible. It’s touch & go which aspects of human frailty will be dealt with first – so if, say, you have destroyed your lungs but the rest of you is fine, you might die anyway if medical science hasn’t quite figured out lung replacement (or lung cancer) yet.

    Now, health & wellbeing is a many faceted thing. Is it worth having a healthy body if your mind has completely deteriorated (or vice versa)? All the different aspects of your system have to be kept above a certain baseline, otherwise the entire system will collapse in on itself. Witness how quickly old folks can spiral downhill if they lose their mobility, catch pneumonia, or lose a loved one.

    So, unsurprisingly, this is the approach I prefer. Working on improving my physical, mental, emotional & spiritual wellbeing, more or less all at once – thus ensuring maximum longevity (more importantly quality of life, not just quantity), and, eventually immortality.

    The really interesting thing is – once you start looking at some of the technologies that have become available to assist & improve in these areas (and boy, the internet is a godsend for this kind of research), you quickly become exposed to more & more ways to improve your life. Not only that, but many of these technologies are both exponential in benefit & complementary to each other. You start using even a couple of them, and massive chunks of your life radically improve at once. The more you use them, the faster & more significantly your life improves. Even better than that, many of them are both free and stupidly simple to implement.

    Of course, which technologies (or indeed any) to use is always a personal choice – and different things do just seem to work better for different people.

    An unexpected benefit too is – once you start looking at some of these diverse aspects of the human system, you’ll start to see that it is possible to live a life with higher highs (& much higher, or even non existent lows) than you might ever have previously dreamt possible.

    Happier. Fitter. More energy. More peacful. More fulfilled. Wealthier.

    I look at all this, and to me at least it seems obvious – why wait for the future to arrive when it’s becoming easier & easier to race up to meet it, with a giant smile on your face?

    But of course, as usual, there is always choice 1.

    Share:

      How Do You Suck?

      I was talking with a good friend last night, and she mentioned that I was a great programmer. I found that a little surprising, as despite the unlikeliness of a lot of what I achieve, I don’t generally think of myself in this way.

      ponder.jpg
      pic by striatic

      I’ve thought a lot more deeply about this since, and I’ve realised a few things – that apply to any area of skill.

      People who are not-so-good in any area tend to look down the tree at those below them on the skill ladder – “Look! I’m better than all those people!”

      People who are good in any area tend to look up the tree “See how much more I have to learn!”

      This is also part of a natural continuum (great word!) of learning:

      1. unconscious incompetence (you don’t realise you suck)
      2. conscious incompetence (you realise you suck)
      3. unconscious competence (you don’t realise you don’t suck as much as you thought you did)
      4. conscious competence (you know you don’t suck – and why!)

      For example, in Aikido I’m somewhere between step 2 & 3. I’m aware of how much I suck (the more deeply you learn, the more you can see that needs improvement) – but I don’t realise that I don’t suck in general (and am always a little surprised when someone points this out). This isn’t a negative self view, as much as a genuine desire to improve & a focus on this, rather than comparison with others.

      Interestingly, I can very concretely remember a time when I genuinely believed I was awesome at Aikido. How wrong I was (in hindsight)!! *laugh*

      The real trap, of course, is being aware of the dangers & massive difference between stage 1 & 3. Unwarranted ego-centricism is, after all, known as hubris, & we all know how dangerous the ego is, right kids?

      Share:

        Do We Ever Really Do Anything New?

        Or is it all just patterns, repeating over and over?

        As you may be aware, I recently went through a breakup. As I’ve been processing this, I’ve started to see, very clearly, how little of what happened with the ex was actually about her.

        I saw:

        • Patterns where she behaved identically to several different earlier relationships (in different ways) – Of course, this is me drawing this into my life so I can learn, it’s really nothing to do with her specifically at all.
        • Two different patterns from my father to me (ie, I was repeating his patterning with me, with her)

        Now, thankfully, I can go in (with EFT, or whatever) and stop those patterns – by going back to the earliest one I can think of, and then working forward through the recurrences, healing each one. This is, unsurprisingly, what I’ve done.

        However, combined with recent realisations on ancestors and how those patterns are passed down, I have to wonder – how many of these patterns are actually mine? Are they ALL just passed down from previous generations (or perhaps previous lives)? Am I living anything new at all?

        I mean, sure, I could eat toast with peanut butter & vegemite. Never done that before (Actually, I lie. As a kid I ate a lot of weird stuff with peanut butter).

        But in terms of emotional interactions. Negative events in my life. All these things seem to be just massive loops.

        I guess this is what the ancients talked about in terms of unwinding karma. You’ll keep repeating everything that has come before until you learn the lessons required, or heal the events away.

        The other thing to watch that is very interesting is that as those patterns are healed, you can visibly see those people who might cause that kind of pain in your life naturally being pushed away from you. Very organic, very “coincidental”, very “well, it just happened”. Once the patterning is healed the associated pain does in a very real sense simply stop recurring in your life. And yes, this is exactly why I broke up with my ex. Even more interesting is seeing how different the new people that come into your life now become. It is immediately obvious that they simply aren’t built to create those sorts of negative events (although, of course, they’re quite capable of creating any unresolved pain patterns).

        Highly amusingly, if you’re aggressively sorting through things (as I have been), you can watch this happen in realtime. Meet someone on Monday, event occurs on Wednesday, realise pattern & heal it Wednesday night, and they’re gone (along with any recurrence of that pattern, ever) on Thursday.

        If all this is true, then theoretically at least, I should have kids, so they can benefit from this – ie, by passing less junk down the ancestral tree. Maybe just for now I’ll have some theoretical kids instead.

        Share:

          Healing Your Dreamtime

          Australian Aboriginals have a concept they call “Dreamtime” (or, more accurately “The Dreaming“). Very loosely speaking, this is the infinite spiritual cycle that parallels our reality, influencing & creating it. It created the world we live in, and continues to live on, in the present & the future.

          Now, what’s even more interesting is the reversal they have from how we view reality. In the west we believe that our waking life is our “real” (ie, objective) reality, whereas our dreaming life is only subjective. Aboriginals believe it’s the other way around. The Dreaming is what’s objective, and this experience we’re living in is only the subjective reflection of that.

          dreamtime.jpg
          A mural thought used to teach Aboriginal children about dreamtime. Pic by Damian White

          Of course, there’s an enormous difference between the beliefs of the oldest living culture on the planet & us as individuals, however, let’s push ahead regardless & see what we can find. Here’s a dream I had yesterday:

          I’m hanging out with friends, in a movie theatre. Before the show starts there’s a comedian, a magician. He’s giving out CDs. He gives them to the row in front, then when he gets to my row, he does a sleight-of-hand trick to not-give them to me, and my friends. He then continues with the row behind, giving them out, and across the aisle. Then I notice they’re MY CD’s he’s giving out. A friend comes back to sit down, and her face is covered in some kind of drug or other (I have no idea). She has so much that she doesn’t care she’s covered in it. Then we all go out driving.

          So we end up out in the country. I muck about a bit, then end up on the phone with a good friend of mine from London. She’s complaining that I’m not working. There are spiders & very bizarre, but large, insects all over the floor. Another call comes in. It’s my Mum, & she wants to talk to my brother. They talk, then Mum hangs up, which somehow cuts me off from my friend. I ask my brother about it, but he doesn’t really know what’s going on.

          Just for the hell of it, let’s segue out of that, and pretend we didn’t see all the bolded bits.

          Now, let’s also pretend, for the sake of the discussion, that there is some relationship between our dreaming life & our waking life.

          There are many obvious pointers to this being true, of course. Our dreams often include people we know (friends, family), situations in our awareness while waking (stress at work, relationship problems, etc), and the visual metaphors commonly used have been interpreted for thousands of years to find satisfactorily explanatory parallels in our waking life.

          It’s a fairly common, although recent, psychological understanding that dreams are our brain’s way of “unwinding”. Chaotic signals occur in various bits of the brain, which is then interpreted into the images that we “see”. Loosely translated, it’s our brain “talking to us” using pictures.

          Ok, so we accept that our dreaming life is (in whatever way) a reflection of our waking lives. Now what?

          Well, if dreams are our brain’s way of talking to us, why not use them to talk back?

          Why not use that dreamtime to really, genuinely, just like the Aboriginals believe, affect our waking experience?

          So, you know, I’ve been doing this.

          Whenever I wake from a particularly vivid dream, I immediately heal (I use tapping & a few other things, but anything would do the trick) on anything that I felt strong emotion about. Doesn’t matter what the emotion is. Doesn’t matter how ludicrous the imagery. I don’t interpret anything. I’m talking back to my brain (maybe), or healing the dreamtime (maybe), but either way, I use exactly the imagery that’s been provided to me.

          I deliberately pretend that whatever I’ve dreamt is real. I relive it, feel it, as strongly as I can, and heal while doing so.

          So, in the above dream, all the bits in bold had strong emotions (some identifiable, some not) attached, so I healed on them. Pretty obviously, there’s feeling of deprivation, loss, self-recrimination, and so on – and, of course, similarly obvious parallels with those emotions in my own waking life.

          Much less obviously, all the bits that are bold cleared things. A lot of them. I still really have no idea what was healed, but it was definitely many, many things. Much of it lead spontaneously to much deeper issues I wasn’t aware of. More interestingly, all of it was surprising. I wasn’t aware that I was even thinking about any of this while I was awake.

          Now that I’ve healed I can definitely see, in hindsight, those thoughts & feelings I was having that I no longer am, that directly relate to things I healed on. Plus, of course, there’s a bunch of other stuff that I know has gone that I simply can’t put into words.

          I healed my dreamtime, and my waking life has changed, noticeably, significantly.

          I still haven’t answered the question, “Which is more real, dreamtime or waking life?” or even “Which is the objective, which the subjective?” Maybe I never will, but one thing I know for sure, those Aboriginals are definitely onto something. Even better, we don’t have to know or even care which is which to use it as a tool to significantly improve our lives, both dreaming and waking.

          I’ll tell you something else for free. Every single time I’ve healed a dream’s imagery, that dream has never come back.

          Share:

            Mastodon