si dawson

experiments in self-improvement

On Judgement

The bible said “Judge not lest ye be judged” – which is pretty funny considering the whole book is chock full of judgement. Touch a football? check. Get a tattoo? check. Sell your daughter as a sex slave? Oh, no actually, that one’s ok.

Of course, Jesus also said “forget that old testament, honky, all you need is love.” Jesus was way cool.

*cough* I may be paraphrasing a little.

The real problem is, there’s judgement everywhere. Yep, even in the new testament. If even Jesus can’t avoid it, what hope is there for us regular folk?

Growing up a Catholic, I’ve had a lot of time to think about the 10 commandments. Sure, don’t murder, don’t covet your neighbour’s wife’s ass, these all make sense. Frankly though? I think judgement is worse than all of them (except maybe the ass thing).

Why?

Because it’s insidious. It colours everything we think and do. It worsens our life in ways that are far reaching but not immediately apparent.

When Shakespeare said “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so,” this is what he was talking about. Judgement.

Oh, and did I mention it’s insidious as all hell?

Even as we try to run away from judgement, we pull it closer to us. “Judgement is bad? Ok, I won’t do that” – oh, wait, haven’t we just judged judgement?

It’s a tricky little bugger.

So, let’s break it down a bit.

Why would judging something as “bad” be a bad thing (ha ha, circular logic alert!)

For a start, it makes us feel crappy.

Test it out. Think about something you believe is truly evil, vile, disgusting, abhorrent. Rush Limbaugh? Fish fingers and custard? Christmas shopping?

Feel better? No, of course not.

Additionally, any time we judge actions, behaviours, words or personalities as deficient, we pull our energy away from those involved. We hold ourselves back. Our negative judgement limits us. We can’t be fully present, we can’t be fully loving.

Ok, so let’s say we choose to let go of negative judgement. Do we become a pollyanna? Should we just say “it’s all good, bro” (hair flick)?

Well, not quite.

The even more subtle issue here is this: judging something as positive is problematic too.

Let’s say we really like cake. Cake is great. Cake is always welcome. In other words, we’ve judged it as ‘good’.

  • If cake goes away? We’ll get sad.
  • If someone takes cake away from us, we’ll resent them.
  • If we can’t get cake, we’ll be angry, disappointed or jealous.
  • When we don’t have cake, we’ll lust, or be needy.

Huh. All that just coz we like cake?

Well, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying cake, while it’s here. Sure. However, you can start to see why Buddha said “Desire is the root of evil.

Loving something is wanting more of it, hating it is wanting less of it. Two sides of the same “desire/wanting” coin.

Letting go of judgement takes us out of wanting.

If we love cake while it’s here, but love its absence as deeply, well, then we can remain calm & centred regardless of the cakiness of the situation.

Someone takes cake away from us, we can deeply enjoy our lack-of-cakeness… we’re becoming more svelte, we’re eating healthier, our cholesteral is dropping and boy howdy, if we have cake again we’re gonna really enjoy it.

There are so many benefits to not-cake.. provided we can stay in that place of not-judging.

Non judging is, in short, non attachment.

You know the old story. Farmer’s horse runs away – ohhh, terrible luck! Maybe. Next day it brings back a herd of wild horses – ohhh, great luck! Maybe. His son tries to tame one, falls off & breaks a leg – ohhh, terrible luck! Maybe. Everyone is conscripted for battle, except his broken-legged-son – ohhh, great luck! Maybe.

At the root of peace is non attachment. At the root of non attachment is the letting go of judgement.

Right. Practically speaking, how do we do this?

Ahh, it’s easier than you think. In fact, if you’ve read more than three posts on here you’ve probably already guessed. Uhh, unless the three were the one about horses, the one about snow and that post about cheese.

Just repeat to yourself “I love having cake” – and let go of all thoughts & feelings that arise, until you can say it and genuinely feel it.

If you’re a life-long cake abolitionist, this may take some time. That’s ok, no rush, there’ll be plenty of cake tomorrow.

Next, repeat to yourself the opposite “I love having no cake” (or whatever phrase resonates most strongly for you). Keep repeating that and letting go until you feel genuinely loving about your not-cakeness.

That’s all there is to it. As usual, love is the answer. Keep loving both sides till you feel great. When you feel great regardless, you’ll do so because you are no longer judging.

Oh, it works for non-cakey things too.

Share:

    It’s All My Fault

    I grew up on a faultline.

    This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise, since New Zealand only exists because two tectonic plates decided to get together and have a rub-yourself-up-against-each-other party. To the West we have the Indo-Australian plate, to the East the Pacific Plate. Which I guess actually made it something of a “bring your own plate” party. Ohhh, I’ll be here all week, try the veal.

    More specifically though, the actual faultline was about 50 metres (160ft) from my house.

    What’s it like growing up in this kind of environment? Well, let’s just say, anything under a 5.0 on the Richter scale you might lift your coffee off the table while you assess it & check your nearest safe zone (table, doorway, etc), but other than that you more or less ignore it.

    You become blasé surprisingly quickly.

    A more interesting question is: what the hell does a faultline actually look like?

    Well, my folks have moved since I was a kid, so I’m now living much farther away. About 50 metres farther.

    To get there I have to cross this most excellent bridge:

    Awesome bridge

    I do like well considered architecture (and blues skies).

    I also have to pass this rather interesting (non earthquake related) tree:

    Because we’re on the other side of the world, the sun goes in circles, confusing plant growth patterns

    Definitely an odd tree – there’s only one of them.. ahh!

    Anyway, just past that, you get to this rather innocuous looking bank:

    Innocuous Bank

    Just like any old golf course really. Except for those weird blue poles. What’s up with them?

    Well, if you sight along them, they look like this:

    Two poles. Perfectly aligned

    Notice how they’re perpendicular to the bank. That’s not an accident.

    These poles were put in by the government white coats to track plate movement.

    That innocent looking bank above? It keeps going in both directions… and there’s an identical looking bank on the other side of the river. That’s the faultline. Twenty years ago that ground was bulldozed flat.

    So why do the poles line up, if there’s been all that movement?

    Because we’re standing too close. Here are three poles:

    Uh oh, someone stuck one of those poles in the wrong place. Yeah, that’s it.

    Notice how the two on the other side of the fault are angled off to the right of the viewer (ie, the most distant pole is to the left of the central pole).

    That is very, very much out of alignment.

    When they were put in, they all lined up perfectly. It would have been done with one of these. Theodolites are great, love me a theodolite. If you’ve never used one, I highly recommend it.

    So let’s step even farther back:

    Oh dear.

    Remember how the most distant one is slightly to the left?

    So you can see that drawing a straight line between the two most distant poles goes off to our right. A straight line between the two poles on this side of the fault goes screaming off to the left of the furthest two.

    Not only has there been significant vertical movement, but a ton of lateral motion too.

    So here’s the odd thing: There’s been no major earthquakes here, certainly nothing like Christchurch.

    What’s happening is something that scientists have only really been able to track since about 2002 – slow earthquakes. These are tricky to spot, since they occur over hours or months, and don’t typically register on seismographs (the scientists use GPS to track them instead).

    Many of these slow earthquakes are huge though (R7-9) and they’re radically altering New Zealand’s shape. This isn’t a terrible thing though, NZ’s a weird shape to start with, a bit of a haircut might do us some good.

    Why can’t we be an elegant, tastefully shaped country, like Italy’s boot?

    Update

    I found this brilliant overhead view which shows the faultline perfectly:

    the overhead view

    The middle arrow is about where I was standing when I took the last four pics above.

    The view is stolen from this thoroughly informative page on the subject. Kudos to them!

    Share:

      Gratitude vs Appreciation

      First, my apologies, this is going to be an airy-fairy and slightly word-nerdy post. I’ve been thinking for weeks about how to concretise it a bit, without too much success.

      Gratitude lists are super popular (yes, 60 million pages). It’s very simple why – by focusing on what’s good in your life, you attract more of it.

      Ever start a morning, stub your toe, feel shitty, then suddenly everyone you meet seems to be in a shitty mood too?

      Yeah, it’s like that but in reverse. So you know, more fun, with less toe-stubbing.

      As a bonus, the more sincerely you feel grateful for the positive things in your life, the more you genuinely connect with the present feeling of them – and well, the better you feel.

      Giant “duh” there. This isn’t rocket science.

      Now, here’s the caveat.

      I’ve tried gratitude lists several times in the past. I’d wake up every morning, make a list of 5 (or 10) things I was grateful for, then get on with my day. I also tried at night, right before I went to sleep.

      But for me? They never seemed to do, well, anything.

      I didn’t feel much better and my life didn’t improve in any noticeable way.

      If there’s one thing I’m a stickler for, it’s reproducibility.

      I did try. Note the “several times”, above. Bottom line though, if something isn’t giving me significant, reproducible results, I throw it out.

      Recently though, I’ve realised something.

      There’s quite a difference between being grateful for something, and appreciating it.

      Here’s where we get into the airy fairy bit.

      If you’ve read back far enough, you’ll know I’ve spent a lot of time working with energy. Healing, shifting stuff around, all sorts of bibs & bobs. Trouble is, a lot of this is experiential. I know what I’ve seen and done, but it starts to get a bit tricky since I often can’t simply say “just do *this* and *that* will happen.” There’s a lot of background (& practice) required.

      How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice. Simple, right? Yeah, exactly.

      I try to keep stuff on here pretty concrete since me describing my experiences doesn’t do much for you if you’re in a very different place in your life. If you’re in a similar place, well, you’ll be seeing results like that anyway, so you won’t need me telling you.

      So, if I say “Energetically, ‘appreciation’ is much softer and closer feeling whereas ‘gratitude’ is more distanced with little energetic connectivity” – well, that’s kinda hard to put into language that doesn’t depend on my personal experiences. Put frankly, if you’re not me (or energy weird like me) it’s gonna sound like crap.

      However, let’s give it a shot. Just for fun.

      Interestingly, just focusing on the words (in English) shows a lot.

      Gratitude is quite a hard word (all those consonants). You could quite literally spit “I’m grateful for blah” at someone through angry teeth. Ha, I should know, I’ve done this, on particularly grumpy days.

      Appreciation has all those soft rounded sounds.  Saying “I appreciate blah” is a much gentler experience.

      Of course, the key question is – is this a factor of the experiential difference between these terms, or is it merely a linguistic difference in this particular language (English)?

      Tough to say. What came first, the experience or the description?

      A rose by any other name might smell as sweet, but if it didn’t, would it have been named Rose in the first place?

      Appreciating something feels (I warned you about this, right?) much closer, softer, more vulnerable, more open, more connected.

      Gratitude (“I am grateful for..”) feels more analytical, more distanced, more of a third party description.

      So again, perhaps this is merely a linguistic difference. You don’t say “I grateful” you say “I am grateful” – you’re describing a personal state of being – passive.

      When you say “I appreciate” – you’re describing an action – active.

      So maybe it’s just that difference – the insertion of the verb “to be” in the sentence.

      Maybe. What came first, the behaviour or the linguistic variation in methods of describing that behaviour?

      What I’ve been trying to do is tease this all apart. Is there actually a difference between gratitude and appreciation, or does it just feel this way because of how English is structured?

      Let’s try and get the sentences as close as possible:

      •     I am grateful for foo
      •     I appreciate foo (no)
      •     I am appreciating foo (not quite)
      •     I am appreciative of foo

      See, even then, the aural shape of the word “appreciative” softens the experience of saying it (particularly out loud). It’s also interesting how many ways you can dance around appreciating something (or someone), and yet with gratitude you’re forced to take a fixed position in time & space.

      Interestingly, while we can say “I appreciate foo” (whomever foo is) there’s no equivalent form for gratitude. You can’t gratitude foo, you can’t grateful foo. You’re forced to be grateful, or express gratitude. It’s always one word, one state of being more abstracted.

      All this word-nerding aside, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter.

      If saying “I appreciate foo” feels better for you, more powerful, more connective, more useful then great, use that.

      If you still reckon “I am grateful for foo” rocks your boat, well, do that instead.

      As always, the trick is to find what’s right and what works best for you.

      For me, since I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve noticed that every day I’m finding more and more things I appreciate. Plus, better yet, I’m verbally acknowledging them – and feeling better for it. So really I’m doing gratitude lists all day every day – by appreciating instead.

      It’s working for me.

      Share:

        Anything You Ever Wanted, Get It From Yourself

        I realised a long time ago the truism that “What annoys me most in others is what annoys me about myself”.

        This is one of the reasons I’ve come back to live with my folks for a while. I’d got about as far as I easily could peering into my own navel. Much easier to look at them to see what else is there in me. As the old saying goes: “If you think you’re enlightened, spend a weekend with your parents.” So far, it’s been about six months and boy, I’ve grown lots. Ha ha. Oh boy. Yes.

        What I’ve started to realise over the last couple of days is something of a corollary to the above truism.

        What I want most from others is what I’m not giving myself.

        For years, the thing that has made me the most angry is if I feel someone isn’t listening to me – particularly if they’re insistently asking me something, despite my attempts to explain.

        The very few times (historically maybe twice a decade) I’ve got truly “red mist” angry, that’s been the situation.

        At some level, the reason it has had such a strong effect on me is simply because I feel I haven’t been listening to myself.

        Isn’t it funny how it’s ok for us to treat ourselves like shit, but if someone else does it, it’s suddenly outrageously unacceptable?

        So here’s the interesting bit: what the hell does that even mean? “Not listening to myself?” I honestly have no idea. All I do know is, when I healed* on not listening to myself, I felt a huge rush of energy leaving and a great peace come over me. Now, if I think back to those times when I’ve been aggressively not-listened-to (ha ha, yes), I find the situations oddly amusing.

        This, by the way, is great news.

        Why? Because it shows you don’t have to consciously understand what anything is about to heal it. You don’t have to figure it out. Just let your subconscious sort it out. It is, after all, the part of you faffing about and being all stroppy in the first place. It’s only fair it should pull its weight for once. Take that, inner child! Slobbing around on the sofa all day watching TV and eating cheerios!

        Over the last couple of days, as a background task, every so often I’ve answered two questions:

        • “What pisses me off (about others)?”
        • “What do I really want (from others)?”

        Often these are opposite sides of the same answer. It pisses me off when people don’t respect me. I really want people to respect me. The reason for both of these? I’m not respecting myself. If I do that, well who cares what anyone else does? The craving for it disappears.

        I want people to love me? (And frankly, who doesn’t?) I’m just not loving myself.

        I want people to listen to me? I’m not listening to myself.

        I want people to value me? I’m not valuing myself.

        This is such a stupidly simple thing, it sounds almost ridiculous to write down. All I know is, this has been incredibly helpful.

        When I give myself what I want, I no longer crave it from others.

        *Oh, and the silliest thing? How did I heal this? That’s the easiest bit yet. More on this in a little while, but for now all you need to know is this:

        1. I simply said: “I love that I don’t listen to myself,” while releasing all the energy, physical tension, emotional responses and thoughts that arose in response to saying that.
        2. I mixed it up a little with “I love that I still  don’t listen to myself.”
        3. I kept going until I felt peaceful.
        4. I then plugged in the positive “I love that I listen to myself,” “I love that I always listen to myself,” “I love that I listen to myself completely.” Again, releasing all resistance that came up.
        5. I kept going till I felt peaceful and the positive statements felt true.

        Really, I simply said whatever popped in my head, felt right and felt like it would push things a little further, a little deeper. I maybe tapped my karate chop point if I felt things needed amping up a notch.

        If you really want to test if something’s gone, see how you feel about someone else treating you in that way. Can you say out loud (for example) “I love [person close to you] not listening to me”?

        That’s all I did. It’s all I needed to do. How could I not share something so elegantly powerful with you?

        Share:

          Nice Night For a Walk

          It’s just turned New Year, 2012.

          Generally for New Year’s Eve I prefer to do something contemplative. Meditate on the past year (or years). Feel my way to a better direction for the coming year. Assess and makes choices that will guide me positively forward.

          With that in mind, around 10pm I took off up a nearby hill (it’s only 345m high at the peak). It was a 45 minute hike in the dark to the lookout point I was aiming for. I chose to use no lights, partly as a more interesting challenge and partly so I could see the glow-worms on the way up.

          Oh boy, they didn’t disappoint. Unfortunately, photos just don’t do those bright little bundles any justice.

          I was right about it being an interesting walk. For a start, it’s been raining like crazy the last few days, so everything in the bush is soaking wet. Combine heavy cloud cover with only a quarter new moon, and it wasn’t exactly clear where I was supposed to be walking either. The path was (theoretically) fairly light, except so were the ferns on either side, oh, and the rocks… and the puddles… and the grass. Also, that light coloured path? It was covered in various dark coloured flora, tree branches, grass, leaves, stiles, animals, dead bodies, burning cars, zombies*.

          * some of these items may be a complete lie.

          Mostly it wasn’t too bad though. My eyes adjusted pretty quick and I only slipped over a couple of times.

          I got to the top around 11, but had wildly underestimated how warm it would be trekking up the hill, so promptly stripped down to let my shirt dry out a little. If there were any ghosts up there, I’m sure I scared them off with my stunning whiteness (it’s a sight to behold, I assure you).

          I then spent the next hour meditating, absorbing the essence of the previous year and sipping the delicious coffee I’d taken up with me.

          I also got treated to lightning on the far off ridges and fireworks up and down the valley. Theoretically fireworks are illegal in New Zealand outside of Guy Fawkes‘ week (the week before Nov 5) but people still store them up for New Year’s. I’m happy they do, it makes New Year’s a lot more festive than just a bunch of yahoos yahooing.

          Surprisingly, the march back down the hill was significantly more dangerous than up. My eyes had adjusted so I could see better, but even with that I hit a lot of unexpected drops in terrain. I ended up walking most of the way down in a half crouch. Imagine you’re sitting in an upright chair. Now take the chair away. Yeah, like that. An odd posture, but effective and a lot safer than walking normally (which had left me unharmed but on my arse a couple of times). When I got back closer to civilization, I also had to shield my eyes from the street lights just to see where I was going. It’s hard to comprehend just how much light pollution there is until you’re walking back into it from the pitch black.

          I did end up soaked to the skin up to my knees – it’s hard to see invisible wet grass – but it was totally worth it. Walking down in the dark, brooks burbling by the track, the glow of the worms, giant trees majestic against the skyline, it was an utterly beautiful experience.

          And proof you can take the boy out of Scouts, but never take the Scout out of the boy; other than what I wore, I also took with me and used:

          • hat
          • gloves
          • scarf
          • camera
          • blanket (my Grandma gave it to me over 20 years ago; it’s the only thing I have left connected to her)
          • thermos of coffee

          but took and didn’t use:

          • three torches
          • phone
          • bottle of water
          • fabric tape
          • plastic bag
          • leatherman

          I figured if I accidentally walked off a bank & broke a leg (a reasonable risk) I might as well take enough to be comfortable & safe until morning.

          Turns out I didn’t need most of it, but it was worth it without the added excitement. Partly for the peace & calmness that comes from occasionally detaching completely from the world. Partly for this:

          Here’s to a gorgeous 2012.

          Share:

            Mastodon