Are You In Love With Your Pain?

A couple of years ago, when I first discovered EFT, it changed my life so much, so quickly, I immediately went around telling everyone I knew about it (Yes yes, I realise now how dopey & threatening this kind of behaviour is, I was just super excited)

I remember one conversation particularly vividly. Telling a friend with dyslexia that she could get rid of it, if she wanted.

Know what happened? She got angry. Yes, angry. Surprised the hell out of me.

“Huh!” I remember thinking, “I guess being dyslexic is just really important to her.”

Now here’s the funny part of the story. Remember that old saying “We hate most in others what we despise in ourselves?”.

I was watching this incredibly informative video by Rozalind Gruben this morning, on Social & Emotional Aspects of Eating (45 mins in 5 chunks, but definitely worth finding time for). She talks about the abandonment & disapproval that we experience as children – as part of the way we’re culturally raised. About how we start to see ourselves as flawed, & identify with what we’re told by the people around us.

.. and then it hit me

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I’ve spent my life – or at least, as much of it as I can remember – defining myself by my pain. My struggle. My misery. (Note the use of ‘My’ – a good sign it’s my ego talking)

Ironically, my spiritual journey has been all about struggling to free myself from this self-imposed identity – that I’m miserable, in pain & suffering. Although I have been moving towards less struggle, less misery & less pain, it’s been damn hard work.

Yes, I’m laughing as I write this. It’s all so obvious now!

And yes, it’s been a struggle. Every key area of my life has been difficult.

Well this is simply because I’ve wanted it this way. I’ve been in love with it. It’s been a part of who I am. Yes, my decision. Maybe not consciously, but still, my choice.

The wonderful thing is that even just realising this has enabled me to change it. I was doing some tapping (EFT) this morning, and everytime I went to tap on something, part of my brain just went “Peh, ok, that’s gone.” – before I could even get started.

That struggle, that pain, doesn’t have to be part of who I am any more. I chose it for years, but, well, now I choose differently.

August 24, 2008 – 22:39 | By | Posted in healing | Comments
  • lynnivere
    Here's to *loving yourself* through the process!

    Amen.
  • Jack M
    Si, I know (ok, suspect perhaps) that this blog focuses more on EFT and your self-improvement journey than is probably representative of your life in general, so this response is probably redundant, but reading through this entry made me wonder just how long you're going to try to improve yourself before you become happy with yourself? I mean actually accept yourself for who you are, not for who you might become?

    I realise it's a process everybody does to some degree, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I accept you for who you are already, faults and all. It's what makes you You.

    Just so you know. :)


    Of course, I don't necessarily accept ME for who I am - like I said, we all go through the journey in our own ways. I think I just answered my own question.

    A more specific question then, is "do you have an ultimate goal in mind, when you'll stop self-improving?"
  • See? I knew there was a reason we've stayed friends so long.

    These are all excellent questions. I'll see if I can provide some excellent answers.

    I'll start with ultimate goal. For the last couple of years it's been "healthy relationship" (which mostly worked - although, of course, every relship has two people, so it's never quite that simple). Initially though, it was all about getting my finances sorted - my $$ were messed up because my head was messed up about $$. This has taken a bit longer than anticipated (lots of family history to wade through). As I've stepped along the journey though, the goal has become more spiritual in nature - essentially, "inner peace", ie, imperturbability, ie, zero negative emotions. Yes, this is possible. And, yes, I see it get much closer each day. A "finger in the air" guess is that I have maybe 5% of the negative emotions I had two years ago. A lot of the time I am simply ecstatically happy. I do realise this sounds unreasonable or impossible.

    I accept myself a LOT more than I ever have before. I'd say completely, but I have a nagging feeling I've missed something small. I'll clear it today, then I will :)

    You are completely right. Accepting yourself is a very important step to take. Amusingly, this is often much, much harder to do than say. For me, due to perfectionism, an inbuilt negative slant (much both reduced these days), it's been a particularly long journey.

    Now, hardest question for last. Being happy (although yes, you were just talking about being happy with myself).

    What I've learned as I've gone along is that being happy is more than just "not having any negative emotions". You can go from -10 to 0 (which I've been doing), but that doesn't take you to +10 (happy). Part of this is being a very problem focussed kind of guy (instead of solution focussed). Part of this is having a "focus on/look for what's wrong" attitude (and yes, problem/wrong are subtly different) - upbringing & habit there.

    Ironically, even just focussing on what's right, instead of wrong will take you a long way to being happy. It occurs to me as I write this that I haven't spent very much time at all working on changing this, & I should have - would have made everything else much easier - but even then, it wasn't until I realised that I was clinging onto my pain that I also realised how easily I could let go of it - so, part of me was deliberately making things harder on myself. If that makes sense.

    Also, once I got on this journey, I also realised "I can change ANYTHING". So, a lot of it is less about not being happy with myself, and more about

    If I could live without this, would I?

    and often the answer is yes. Then, once you clear out negatives, you start asking:

    If I could live with this IN my life, would I?

    and you start putting in positive stuff.

    If you COULD have perfectly mature, perfectly balanced, calm, happy, fun relationships with every person you meet, would you choose to?

    If you COULD be perfectly abundant (with zero effort), would you choose to?

    IF you COULD be peaceful, blissful, and perfectly present in every moment, would you choose to?

    It's less about not being happy with myself. More about seeing these as worthwhile, and previously damn near impossible goals that are now (with this new technology & tools - eft, releasing, raw, etc) quite achievable in a very finite timeframe.

    Since the basic life expectancy (without major medical breakthroughs) of people our age is 125-150, this means at least another 100 years of life (barring accident). I figure it's well worth spending a little time to live another 100 years feeling so, SO much more wonderful, every moment of every day.
  • Jack M
    It sounds like you're continuously moving the target for the final goal as you self-improve (and as you achieve a better idea of where you want to get to), which would mean you'd never complete the task. Which may well be a worthy goal in itself - to self-improve until your last moment on earth (at 150 years old - I like your stats!)

    Me, I'd probably just take the easy way out and do what you hint at in your reply - to become less of a perfectionist and accept me with all my faults instead, hehe..


    Actually, I've decided to live longer than your pithy 150 years - some time ago I decided to become immortal. There's no way for anyone to prove to me that I'm not. :) So now since I have such a long future ahead of me, I take things a bit easier.


    Take care, my friend...
  • I'm ok with enjoying the journey. As a friend once said to me "You've got to remember to stop and eat the daisies." Finally I'm listening.

    I've made a conscious choice to live a life of Areté - an ancient Greek word that means virtue or excellence but has a deeper meaning.. “constantly striving to reach your highest potential.”

    And yes, I wasn't planning on dying at all either.. but that's a whole OTHER story *laugh*

    ps. you look great for your age, MacLeod.
  • Jack M
    Uncanny! I was just watching Highlander earlier today! Especially uncanny given the size of my movie collection!
  • Yah canny doubt a real Scot!

    Also, I was peeping in your window :)
  • georgia
    That video seemed to make everything click for me! It all made such perfect sense, especially after questioning my new raw and emotional state. Funny how clear things can become in an instant, after years of confusion. Im really interested in the EFT you speak of though...
  • She's an incredibly clear speaker, I agree.

    re EFT, I suggest following the link on the right hand side - that's a site I put up for busy people - to explain the basics of EFT as quickly as possible. Have a play with that, see if it makes sense to you. If not, come back and shout at me :)
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