Breaking Up Is So… Easy To Do?
I’ve just broken up from a two & a bit year relationship.
Normally these things are incredibly painful. This time was very different though, so I’d like to talk about it a little.
I’ve had a few serious relationships in this life, so I’ve got a pretty good handle on how these things generally go for me:
- Three to six months of random unprovoked crying & misery
- Lots of various forms of self destructive behaviour (alcohol, mostly)
- Depression & general feelings of worthlessness, loneliness
This time though, ohhhh, completely different.
Very little pain, almost no tears, no depression, no self-destruction (unless you count a couple of cups of coffee). Aloneness, obviously, but no loneliness.
What’s changed? Well, here’s what I did (and continue to do):
- Every time I’ve thought about my ex, I’ve released on the thought
- Every time emotions (even ones I can’t specifically pinpoint) have become overwhelming, I’ve tapped them out.
I admit this is, uhh, a little aggressive, but there are two ways you can do any breakup – short & sharp, or long & drawn out. I choose the former.
I’ve talked about releasing before (here), but to recap: I imagine the thought or feeling inside me, then just let it go. I imagine it floating up out of me. This is something I got to practice a lot with the juice feast I was on since it’s also super useful for food cravings. In terms of repetitive thought patterns, this kills them dead. A lot of the time there would be a sudden rush of emotion, some very brief (5-10 seconds of) crying, and then gone. It’s the hanging on to pain that amplifies it, with this it disappears before it can grow into something worse.
In terms of the tapping (EFT – lots more on my site there), a lot of times I didn’t even tap on anything specific – I just tapped while letting my mind churn away. This just helped even out my energy field (and hence emotions), and calm everything the hell down.
After all, where does most of the pain of a breakup come from?
- Emotional trauma (from things said & done)
- Negative memories
- Self-inflicted repetitive thought patterns (obsessing over the past)
If you get rid of those, what’s left?
Well, the acid test, as always, is how things are when you next see the ex. And the proof? I spent a day with her this week, and the only negative thing that occurred was me saying a few stupid nasty things, from a habit I had left over of wanting those who’ve caused me pain to suffer. Once I realised what was happening I tapped it the hell out, but really, that was it. And, unsurprisingly, once I’d tapped out the habit, it disappeared instantly & everything was fine between us. Yes, I explained & apologised, of course.
And the rest of the day? I was calm as a hindu cow. Inside & out. No negative thoughts, no negative emotions, nothing. After she’d left, I cried for half an hour – realising I was going to miss her, but some tapping & just releasing all the emotion that came up, and I felt great again.
Now, to be fair, there are a couple of situations I can think of that I’m not sure how I would deal with yet:
- Finding out that I’d been lied to about something serious, for example, that she’d slept with someone else while we were involved (or very shortly after)
- When she gets involved with someone new
But really, I suspect these will involve maybe five minutes of tapping each, and they’ll be gone too. So, frankly, if they are going to happen, the sooner the better.
What’s a good litmus test going forward? We’ve been broken up for a week or two now, and I only think about her maybe 20-30 times a day – this is with continued contact. Given how closely involved we were (24 hours a day for 2 years – living & working together), I probably would have thought about her at least every 5 minutes – particularly once you include the many fleeting thoughts that spin through our minds (how often do you think aboutt someone while you’re talking to them?) .. So once every half an hour or so (if that) is a huge step forward.
I’ll continue releasing & healing. I’m damn sure things will drop away to nothing, or near nothing, very, very quickly.
Now, this doesn’t mean I’m ready to jump back on the horse (uhh, so to speak) just yet. It is still important for me to re-ground, re-centre & get comfortable with who I am as an individual again. However, in terms of speedy & painless resolutions, this has surprised the hell out of me.
I don’t want to hide from the world. I feel calm & positive about myself, my future.. and my ex. It’s far better than I ever could have imagined. It’s a whole new way of being.