I've just broken up from a two & a bit year relationship.
Normally these things are incredibly painful. This time was very different though, so I'd like to talk about it a little.
I've had a few serious relationships in this life, so I've got a pretty good handle on how these things generally go for me:
- Three to six months of random unprovoked crying & misery
- Lots of various forms of self destructive behaviour (alcohol, mostly)
- Depression & general feelings of worthlessness, loneliness
This time though, ohhhh, completely different.
Very little pain, almost no tears, no depression, no self-destruction (unless you count a couple of cups of coffee). Aloneness, obviously, but no loneliness.
What's changed? Well, here's what I did (and continue to do):
- Every time I've thought about my ex, I've released on the thought
- Every time emotions (even ones I can't specifically pinpoint) have become overwhelming, I've tapped them out.
I admit this is, uhh, a little aggressive, but there are two ways you can do any breakup — short & sharp, or long & drawn out. I choose the former.
I've talked about releasing before (here), but to recap: I imagine the thought or feeling inside me, then just let it go. I imagine it floating up out of me. This is something I got to practice a lot with the juice feast I was on since it's also super useful for food cravings. In terms of repetitive thought patterns, this kills them dead. A lot of the time there would be a sudden rush of emotion, some very brief (5–10 seconds of) crying, and then gone. It's the hanging on to pain that amplifies it, with this it disappears before it can grow into something worse.
In terms of the tapping (EFT — lots more on my site there), a lot of times I didn't even tap on anything specific — I just tapped while letting my mind churn away. This just helped even out my energy field (and hence emotions), and calm everything the hell down.
After all, where does most of the pain of a breakup come from?
- Emotional trauma (from things said & done)
- Negative memories
- Self-inflicted repetitive thought patterns (obsessing over the past)
If you get rid of those, what's left?
Well, the acid test, as always, is how things are when you next see the ex. And the proof? I spent a day with her this week, and the only negative thing that occurred was me saying a few stupid nasty things, from a habit I had left over of wanting those who've caused me pain to suffer. Once I realised what was happening I tapped it the hell out, but really, that was it. And, unsurprisingly, once I'd tapped out the habit, it disappeared instantly & everything was fine between us. Yes, I explained & apologised, of course.
And the rest of the day? I was calm as a hindu cow. Inside & out. No negative thoughts, no negative emotions, nothing. After she'd left, I cried for half an hour — realising I was going to miss her, but some tapping & just releasing all the emotion that came up, and I felt great again.
Now, to be fair, there are a couple of situations I can think of that I'm not sure how I would deal with yet:
- Finding out that I'd been lied to about something serious, for example, that she'd slept with someone else while we were involved (or very shortly after)
- When she gets involved with someone new
But really, I suspect these will involve maybe five minutes of tapping each, and they'll be gone too. So, frankly, if they are going to happen, the sooner the better.
What's a good litmus test going forward? We've been broken up for a week or two now, and I only think about her maybe 20–30 times a day — this is with continued contact. Given how closely involved we were (24 hours a day for 2 years — living & working together), I probably would have thought about her at least every 5 minutes — particularly once you include the many fleeting thoughts that spin through our minds (how often do you think aboutt someone while you're talking to them?) .. So once every half an hour or so (if that) is a huge step forward.
I'll continue releasing & healing. I'm damn sure things will drop away to nothing, or near nothing, very, very quickly.
Now, this doesn't mean I'm ready to jump back on the horse (uhh, so to speak) just yet. It is still important for me to re-ground, re-centre & get comfortable with who I am as an individual again. However, in terms of speedy & painless resolutions, this has surprised the hell out of me.
I don't want to hide from the world. I feel calm & positive about myself, my future.. and my ex. It's far better than I ever could have imagined. It's a whole new way of being.
Thank you so much on the info on EFT. I so attempted to do a juice feast, but continued to have challenges arise, and would always go back to my raw diet. I think I might figure out how to do this so that when I attempt juicing next time around, I will just try the tapping.
Thank You! :)
Lissa
You're very welcome. EFT is pretty awesome, it's definitely improved the hell out of my life.
As for juice feasting, yeah, I found that ridiculously tough, even with tapping. Still, if & when it's right, you'll feel drawn to do it. No rush.
Hi, a tip for you on the breakup.
Read this book "It's called a breakup because it's broken." It was recommended by my consoler. (Yes, my breakup WAS bad.)
It helped me tremendously. Now I'm as good as new. :-)
Thanks for the tip! I saw it in a bookshop just the other day. Saw the title and laughed to myself.
Well, yes.
Hard to disagree with that. I did have a flick through it, but I'll go have a deeper look today (nice day for a walk).. thanks again!
Ok, read it.
You're right, a ton of good information in there. My favourite quote?
"Ok, here's a game we can play. How about pretending you're not completely crazy?"
Ahh, that cracks me the hell up!
My boyfriend of a year recently broke up with me for reasons i still cannot understand. i gave up trying to find the answer knowing that i will never know the real reasons and maybe i shouldn't. everyday is like an emotional roller coaster. one day i'm up and feel great feel like i'm moving on and letting go and then the next day, my negative part of me makes me relive the past and depress myself as if i'm supposed to be depressed and it seems so hard to let go. i work with him so it's difficult going to work each day but i try to ignore as he ignores me. i read all the books and it has helped but some days it doesn't feel as if it gets any easier. i am going to try tapping more often but even then i don't really know what it is im supposed to be doing or thinking and i just want to know why i have this internal battle inside. why do i make myself think things that depress me and make myself think that i should be depressed?
Ahh, man, that sucks.
A lot of times in breakups, yep, the reasons why don't become clear until much, MUCH later (if at all).
The short answer as to why you think depressing things, or think you should be depressed is that it's your ego. Your ego loves struggle, pain, misery.
The good news is, you're bigger than your ego. You're in control (even if it doesn't always feel like it).
My suggestions re tapping (or any healing) would be simply to tap out, as specifically as possible, anything that is in your head, anything that feels bad. If you're just feeling generally down, then simply tapping without saying anything will often help lift your spirits.
As for letting go? You've just gotta make the decision. Once you decide to let go, of the pain, of the misery, of the memories, of everything, well, everything will get a LOT easier. Sure, it's still work, & it's still gonna hurt for a while, but you WILL feel better. The more you heal, the better you'll feel & sooner. & pretty soon? You'll forget all about it. You'll have vague memories of being upset, but all the detail will be lost in the past, & you'll be back feeling your normal great self again.
Yes, it's damn hard to believe this, while you're feeling that pain, but things DO get better, will get better. Just keep breathing, go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself. It all helps.
it feels as if a part of me doesn't want to let go and i'm not sure why. i know deep down things will eventually get better, but knowing my track record with getting over anything, i'm scared it will take a long time, especially since i have to see him and hear him everyday. i try to shut out the negative part of me, the ego that wants me to suffer and feel the pain of the past that'll never be again but it's hard. i tap and it feels ok for a few minutes but it feels as if i'm only delaying my thoughts from resurfacing to remind me of what i'll never have again. it hurts because we were so close and know it's like we are complete strangers that never even knew each other and he barely awknowledges my existence. more and more i start questioning the point of this all, the point of all these experiences in life, good and bad. i just feel very lost in this world now and scared that i'm destined to be alone. thanks for the advice.
Having to see him every day sucks, no question.
One thing that's often helped me is just to remember — "There is always someone better out there". Why? Because the person you are now is not the person you were when you met. So there will ALWAYS be someone better suited to who you are now, the person you've become. Just reminding myself of that, every day, has helped me a lot in the past.
Oh, & the tapping stuff? It will permanently clear things, it's just that right now there's so MUCH of it that it may not feel like that's the case. It is, just keep persisting.
thanks agian for your insight. i do continue tapping and try to block things out. i have outburts of tears sometimes that seem very hard to control and then i have moments where i feel great and i feel as if i'm moving forward. it's a constant emotional roller coaster each day but i know "this too shall pass".
i do hope there is someone better because he seemed to be perfect to me, everything i wanted. i am not going to focus on finding someone else jsut yet, i know i need to focus on myself more than anything now.
thanks again.
You're doing exactly the right thing… & emotions coming up? That's a good thing. Perfect time to tap them, while they're strong — that'll help you heal the fastest.
You're doing great.. & little bit little, things will get better.. then one day you'll wake up, feel great, & wonder what all the fuss was about.