Anger is Stupid

Two interesting things happened to me this week.

The first, let's call "Event X", was that someone made me very, very angry. There's no value in getting into the specifics, but I've wracked my brain & been unable to come up with a worse thing that anyone has ever done to me. There probably is, I just can't remember it, so let's put it in the top three.

The second, let's call "Event Y", was that I made someone else very, very angry. Again, little value in the specifics — except to say that it was very definitely not intentional on my part (but of course I'd say that! I'm the one telling this story!)

So, Event X. How did I react? Well, firstly, I don't get angry very often. Not really angry. Maybe once every few years. I can distinctly remember the last time it happened, & that was February 2002. I get aggrieved, frustrated, annoyed, miffed.. but not real, cold anger. All these things are happening less & less these days (thankfully), but I'm still human.

To start with, I was in shock. Plain, simple shock that such a terrible thing could be done to me. I then transitioned into serious, hardcore anger. I had a very brief flirt with thoughts of revenge — for less than a second — but where's the value? Then you just have two upset people. As Ghandhi put so eloquently put it "An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind."

Then followed about 5 or 10 minutes of loud swearing (I was home alone), some surprise, disappointment, disbelief, & then, as I let more & more of it go, peace. And action, lots of action, to sort it all out.

angry_green.jpg
pic by urline

So, not ideal, yet. But, over it in a day or so tops. Over the worst of it in about half an hour. For me, that's a huge step forward. I'm happy with it. I'll keep working on it. It will improve.

Ok, let's leave that for the moment & move on to Event Y. Me making someone else angry.

I can't explain how the other person felt, except that they were still bitter & spewing unrequested vitriol in my direction several hours later.

Here's the funny thing though. This wasn't even anyone I know. I'd never met them before. Yes, a completely random internet stranger. Now, if I was going to be completely fair about it, I'd say I might have been a bit pushy. They might have been a bit careless — not paying as much attention as they could have been. Basically a very minor misunderstanding led to me doing something that they deemed utterly abhorrent. In my value system, it qualifies as "uhh, *shrug* so what?" but ok, everyone gets upset by different things.

Anyway, I could see that this person was in pain. They were screaming furious (sound familiar?) All over what to me was a simple misunderstanding, fixed with one click of a button. Them being upset didn't bother me particularly, I just thought, well, they should have paid more attention, & besides, it's such a minor thing, really, who cares?

But of course, different value systems — you can see where the misunderstanding might creep in.

The practical upshot was this — that person poured a ton of negative energy (bile, acid, stress) into their body for an extended period of time. Net effect on me? Basically zero.

Ok, so back to Event X.

Here's what I realised today.

This person had been threatening to do what they actually ended up doing for weeks. I just figured they wouldn't go through with it, so of course it was a huge shock when they did. However, if I'd actually listened to them, and taken action much earlier, I wouldn't even have noticed what they'd done. The effect on me would have been absolutely nothing. Less than nothing. Actually the outcome has been very positive.

angry_bob.jpg

So, hang on, I got that angry, for what? Not paying attention? Not acting on what I'd already been told. Basically, I got angry because they did what they said they would do. Because they were as good as their word.

Uh, what?!?

I know I got stressed. Probably shortened my lifespan in the process.

What a complete & utter waste of energy.

Carrie Fisher had a great quote about resentment — but the exact same thing applies to anger, so I'll paraphrase (Thanks Carrie, love your work!):

"Anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"

So true. So very, VERY true.

related

02/Nov/2009 | health
self-improvement |
  • http://www.yeowzers.com Chris

    Excellent analysis, thanks so much for sharing that!

    Anger is one of those things that is tough to get over when you are in the habit of not being thoughtful about the things you do. I don't mean externally thoughtful (holding the door for someone, etc) , but being thoughtful about how you process things internally and taking responsibility for your actions and feelings.

    It's always amazing to me how something like that can sometimes seem to sneak up and overtake us even when we ARE being thoughtful. Still as you say, it is part of the human condition. The really cool thing is realizing that yes we do have control over it and being able to really grok statements like Carrie Fisher's.

    One of the neat things about embarking in self-help, be it through raw eating, meditation, martial arts, exercise in general, is that all of these things tend to point us in a thoughtful direction, in other words, we start doing things deliberately. Even if the goal is more simplicity of life we do things differently, deliberately. The plan, the deliberateness which may have seemed confining to us in theory, end up being liberating.

    Not giving in to the anger impulse to smash and destroy does not put Hulk into a straight jacket where we explodes with un-vented anger. Instead it sets him free to happily walk the valley, smelling the flowers, enjoying the gentle breeze. :)

    I'm sorry for the hurt you experienced, even when we are feeling very serene, it's not fun to be hurt by another. I hope that it will drift away on the breeze for you. Hopefully the other person will find their center also, and get past the gut reaction and harmful stuff.

    Anyway, thanks again for sharing, I'll try to take a deep breath and bring it to mind the next time I start to feel like I am going to be pissed off!

  • http://sidawson.org Si Dawson

    Congratulations Chris. That is the most awesome comment ever left on my site (far as I can remember *grin*).

    Wow.

    You so right about the "just being more thoughtful. Also that all raw, meditation, exercise & so on just push us in that direction.. greater awareness of self.

    & yep, that's really all it is about — not the getting angry (or sad, or..) just the being aware enough to let it go, rather than hang on to it, dwell in it, & let it take over. Emotions coming up is fine, but by being aware, we drastically shorten the amount of time those emotions are in our system. We don't resist them, or push them down again (otherwise they'll just bottle up, hulk style, as you say), but rather, acknowledge them, & let them pass on out & away.

    So frickin' cool.

    & the hurt I've experienced? Ahh, well there's the rub. Any hurt I experience is only there because at some level I want it there. At some level, I want to be hurt (feel I deserve it, hate myself, whatever). So, you let go of the pain, root down a bit & let go of the cause — in my case, a long standing set of beliefs I've had that:

    a) You have to suffer to survive
    b) I deserve to suffer
    c) Life is hard
    etc etc

    & voila, you stop getting hurt (or at least, in those ways).

    It's the funny thing:

    1. These kind of events just stop occurring around you, &
    2. If they do, they don't bother you in the slightest.

    As within, so without. Or something :)

  • http://www.yeowzers.com Chris

    Thanks, that makes me feel good, even after giving it thought! LOL! :)

    I think that the content posted was awesome, so any comment would have to follow suit. Seriously, I am very new in my own self-awareness journey and it's great to read introspective stuff with real chew to it like you posted. I was able to connect to it and I really look forward to reading the other posts as well.

    Thanks again!

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