How To End Hate (& its nasty side effects)

Ever heard that saying "What you resist persists"?

Ahh yes.

I've noticed a few patterns in my life recently.

In general, I've spent the last few years on a bit of a spiritual journey. Clearing out, well, pretty much everything.

The downside to this is, as I've got clearer, what remaining crap is there has echoed stronger & more powerfully through my life. Ahh, I wish I'd been told that when I started. Actually, probably best I wasn't.

The bad news is, there are parts of my life that still suck. Like you wouldn't believe. Well, ok, I'm human. The good news is, they stand out like nobody's business. Also, it's much easier to see when they're repeating.

So, here I am, looking at my life "Wtf? Didn't that same crappy situation happen 6mo ago? What's going on?"

Then, the other day, it hit me.

They've all been things I hate.

Now, of course, very early on, I went through all the core 'negative' (if there is such a thing) emotions, assessing all the places in my life they affected, healing them etc.

Of course, my life drastically improved. Quelle surprise.

When I looked at hate, I came up blank though. "Huh? I don't hate anyone." My Mum brought me up way to well for that nonsense. I've gotta say, there have been a few people I probably should (according to society) hate for the roles they've played in my life, but I still don't (thanks Mum).

What I realised lately though is - there's a lot of things I hate.

Guess what's recurring?

Situations, behaviours in those around me, limitations, frustrations, ongoing problems.

Yep, no frickin' surprise.

Hate is resistance.

I'm resisting this nonsense, so of course, I'm just drawing it into me. However you want to explain that (law of attraction, reticular activating system, self sabotage) is largely irrelevant.

The empirical evidence is this: Stuff I hate I just see more of in my life.

The big (& incredibly obvious) lesson? STOP IT.

Ok, so I like to keep things vaguely useful/practical around here. Bob has great advice above, but really, how do you stop hating something?

I've shared lots of ways of doing this kind of thing before, so here's a real simple way that's been helping me lately:

1. Give the issue a percentage, 0-100% where 0=Hate It, 100%=I'm 100% ok with this thing happening.
2. Ask yourself, can I increase that percentage? Say "Yes", out loud & as emphatically as possible.

Maybe it's just my analytical math brain, but that really resonates for me. I typically get a number in my head instantly. Uhh, 20%, or 3%. Whatever. It doesn't matter. It's just a starting point.

To work with this, there's a core realisation. You're the boss. You, the real You. Not your physical body, not your mind, not even your ego. The large, spiritual you. The essence of you. Your consciousness.

For example, if you decide to stop thinking about something, who makes that decision? You do. Not your brain. Your brain is just the tool. That's the real you making that decision. The core of your being.

Soooo. Once you realise that you're the boss, then everything is really just a decision. Including the decision to actually be ok with something you used to hate.

How/Why Does It Work?
1. Saying 'yes' puts you in a positive mindframe rather than negative (ie, resistant, hating). Salesmen have known this for eons, of course. Nothing new there.

2. Saying 'yes' releases resistance to the issue. Even just accepting it a little can help shift things, open you up & let go of that hate (or secret shame, as is often the case with deep hatred) and thus resistance. Once the floodgates open, voila, you're on your way.

I know, sounds crazy, but give it a bit of a go, be patient & watch what happens.

Of course, if you feel like using EFT, releasing, reiki, NPA or anything else at the same time, so much the better. Whatever helps.

When you do finally get up to 100% you'll realise. You just don't hate it any more, in fact, you couldn't care less. Know what? You'll stop seeing it in your life too.

For me, I got a piece of paper, on the left wrote "Things I f'n Hate", on the right "% Ok with it" then just made a list. Going down, even just saying "YES, I hate ..." it's the craziest thing, but I could feel the hate lifting off & that percentage rising.

Another interesting side effect? All this saying yes. I've had inner tension (that my sensei can feel, but is hard for me to pinpoint) for, well, probably my entire life. With this? I can actually feel it easing. Don't know how, or even what it is, but it's definitely lifting.

Whoever thought being positive would be beneficial? *grin*

Healing the Subconscious

One of the toughest things about healing is this. Half the time we know something is wrong, but can't put our finger on exactly what the hell is going on.

Why?

Because our mind/ego has a delightful trait of trying to protect us by hiding things from our consciousness.

This is why people get selective amnesia (in extreme cases of trauma), or just forget things (day to day stuff).

This doesn't stop the hidden issue from royally screwing us over, of course.

So, what the hell to do about it?

Well, I found something cool.

I was reading Noah St John's afformations when it hit me.

Now, before you go on, I highly recommend signing up for his book excerpt. Whether you buy it or not is up to you, but the three chapters you get by throwing him your email address are very worth reading.

Ok, so his basic premise is this: Affirmations don't work because our mind rebutts it. "I'm wealthy I'm wealthy" & our mind goes "Uh huh, no you're not." So, it all falls apart. Noah's revelation was that if we phrase affirmations as an open ended question "Why am I so wealthy?" or "How am I so wealthy?" then our mind works for us instead of against us. It starts finding ways to answer the question.

Damn neat idea.

pic by guslight

I got thinking about this in context of healing - of removing those blocks we have, self-sabotages, resistances etc to our success (however you want to define that).

Now, with tapping (EFT), the usual approach is - first we tap out the problem, then we tap in the solution. Negative first, then positive.

Where this falls apart is if we can't see what the hell is going on.. & where open ended questions come to the rescue.

So, rather than tapping, say, "I hate my life" (which isn't great, since it's so general anyway), you tap on "Why do I hate my life?" or "What do I hate about my life?"

Several things happen. First, a lot of times your mind will answer the question - so you then tap on whatever comes up. Just go round a bit until it doesn't really feel like a problem any more. Secondly (& this is far more interesting), stuff will clear out without you ever having any idea what the hell it was that left.

But then, who cares, right? If it's gone, that's all that matters.

I've used this approach a lot over the last few weeks, & I've gotta say, it kicks righteous ass.

So - start with negative questions.. then have a go with the word "still" in there - that'll help clear up any leftovers - eg "Why do I still hate my life?". Then tap in the positive, which in this case would be "Why do I love my life?" or "What do I love about my life?"

I tell yah, works a goddamn treat.

Turn Every Down Into An Up

I had a realisation recently.

Fundamentally, the only person that has any control over how I feel is me.

I choose how I feel.

So, any time I feel bad due to someone else's actions, I know that's just a pain body reacting. That's just my ego, getting in the way, hurting me, wanting me to feel pain.

Therefore, by releasing that pain when it comes up. Feeling the feeling & letting it go, I'm healing everything I experience, right there & then.

For more disturbing, larger or messier things, giving it a good old bash with EFT has also helped kick this stuff out.

Every time that I've felt less-than-blissful, it's been an opportunity for me to heal - to heal whatever it is inside me that is reacting to external stimulus, & leaving me feeling bad.

Ha! And life being what it is, there's been a lot of chances for that.

As a result? I know I'm in a much, much better place than I have been, simply as a result of doing this.

Now, this journey hasn't always been pleasant at all. I wouldn't wish some aspects of it in anyone. However, I have observed that things that have recurred have bothered me less & less till they haven't bothered me at all.

Know what happens then? They seem to stop happening at all.

pic by ceeceedotca

Why is that?

Well, some people would say that we draw things into our existence because we are a vibrational match for them. Like attracts like, you know, the law of attraction stuff.

Which means is (as unpleasant as it is to hear this) that every miserable thing I experience is there because some part of me wants it there.

Ok, now before we go getting all suicidal here (because that train of thought can get a bit damn depressing if you follow it too long through every bad thing that's ever happened to you), realise this: These things appear so you can learn.

That's why, when you learn the lesson (or heal), they simply stop happening to you.

In my case, I've had several occasions where I healed enough of that pain & the people responsible quite literally disappeared from my life. Moved away. Overnight.

So that's the good news.

The point here is this: Every bad thing that occurs to you is an opportunity to instantly, easily & significantly improve your life.

Every upset is a chance for growth.

By immediately letting go of the negative emotion you're feeling, as you're feeling it, minute by minute your life is getting - even right through the middle of horrific pain & unpleasantness.

For a start, you'll stop feeling bad even while things that used to upset you are still happening.

More interestingly, those (previously) negative external situations will, as if by magic, stop occurring.

Now, don't take my word for it, check it out yourself, by all means.

However, let's say I'm wrong - what does it matter? If you've let go, completely, of your internal reactions to these painful events, then you won't care anyway. You'll just sit there like a Hindu cow, cool as a cucumber while things spiral around you.

I know because this is exactly how I became. Their pain & suffering would be swirling around in a way that I know would previously have upset me enormously, & it didn't bother me in the slightest. The pain body inside me that had been reacting to that particular stimulus had been completely neutralised.

Also, this comes back to our pain bodies discussion. If there's no internal reaction at all from you, then there's nothing for the other person's pain body to push against - so it naturally dissipates - in the quickest, healthiest way possible.

The key things to remember are:

The sooner after the upset you can heal, the better. The fresher the emotion is inside you, the easier it is to get to & remove completely. Ideally, heal it immediately. This is where releasing is so helpful, coz you can do it while the person is still abusing/shouting at/crying on you. With EFT, you have to imagine tapping the points (or discreetly finger tap) - which works but is harder to do if you're largely concentrating on someone else. Not impossible, but harder than just releasing anything you're feeling inside yourself.

Be persistent. Don't get discouraged if it seems like the same pain keeps coming up. Humans are very layered, & some times it takes a while to really get to the bottom of something. There may be many emotional reactions to a situation, or many subtle variations on a theme (eg, someone can insult, demean, disrespect, dismiss. ignore, put down, or disregard you - all basically the same, all subtly different). Just keep lettinig it all go, it all helps.

The Pain Bodies Inside Us

Ever catch yourself doing something really stupid? You watch it happening in slow motion, yet can't seem to stop yourself going right ahead and doing it?

Now, there's a ton of things that fit under the heading of 'stupid', ahh, and by goodness, I've done a lot of them.

What I'd like to talk about today is deliberately creating pain, in ourselves & in those around us. When we feel automatically compelled to do things that increase suffering in the world. Typically this is done verbally, but in more extreme cases it can escalate to physical violence.

Eckhart Tolle has a description for this phenomenon, he calls these internal proclivities "Pain bodies."

It's a useful approach. Metaphorically distancing ourselves, even slightly, can give us power over the behaviour. Seeing it as something separate from ourselves helps us gain control.

Of course, this kind of things fits handily under the heading "Self-sabotage." Whereas a lot of forms of self-sabotage can be happily done alone (eg, procrastination), our pain bodies generally require company.

pic by catb

So what to do about them? Well, Tolle's suggestion is simply to be as present as possible, and this is pretty reasonable advice. If you're in the moment, then these occurrences become quite jarring. The behaviour stands out so starkly You can't help but think (whether it's yourself or another) "Hey, where the hell did that come from?"

To kick Tolle's suggestion up a notch in terms of effectiveness, I'd also recommend releasing whatever feelings come up.

Ever notice how hard it is to fight someone who's not responding at all (except with love)? There's a reason for that. Your pain body is trying to latch onto something, something to feed itself with.. and finding nothing. This is, of course, pure Aikido at work.

The same thing works in reverse. When someone near you behaves in a way that is pretty obviously just spoiling for a fight, by releasing any internal reactions inside you, remaining calm, and adding nothing, the entire situation defuses in the fastest way possible.

I've experimented with this extensively, & there really is nothing good or bad you can say that will calm things down quicker than releasing & saying as little as possible.

pic by ladyinpink_1

Of course, in yourself, the same applies. I lose count of the number of times I've felt something ugly or nasty whelling up inside me. By releasing the thought, noticing it but not attaching it & simply letting it go, I'm weakening those pain bodies inside me. Not once have I looked back & thought "Gosh, I sure wish I'd said that nasty thing." Nope, every single time it's been a variant on "Oh man, that would have really hurt someone I care about."

The more you can release at the time, the weaker the pain body becomes.

In yourself, it's simply a case of letting go of the compulsion to hurt those around you. When someone near you is letting their pain body take control, there's two things to release.

First, your reaction to whatever they're saying. Yes, it's going to be hurtful, painful, ugly. That's the nature of a pain body - to try and provoke as extreme a reaction from you as possible. Sure, that person is fully responsible for anything they say, & they shouldn't say it. But that's not the point. Blaming them, or having other negative feelings towards them is only going to make you feel bad, so let it go. Secondly, & once you've let go of any negative reactions to their behaviour, let go of any internal response you may be feeling. That's only your pain bodies trying to get in on the fight.

You could also use EFT or similar - if you're able to identify a specific motivation or drive behind the pain body so you can tune into it & tap later. Starting tapping in the middle of dealing with someone angry or hurt is likely to just piss them off even further. Not recommended.

Can you think of any people who just seem to bring out the worst in you? One minute things are fine, next there's a flaming row & you really have no idea how it started? That's what happens when two pain bodies get in sync and start feeding each other. If either party is able to take even the slightest amount of control, the whole thing defuses incredibly quickly.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm suggesting for a second you should stay in a situation where someone is wilfully trying to harm you, whether verbally or otherwise.

This isn't about being a martyr, just a little better than yesterday.

Even reducing your pain bodies by the tiniest amount results in exponentially more love in the world. Every interaction with every person for the rest of your life will be just that little bit better. Totally worth the effort.

How To Be Confident

Confidence is a funny thing. It comes in two flavours. How confident other people believe you are, & how confident you feel internally. The two are related, but not necessarily linked. E.g., it's quite common that other people see us as more confident than we may actually feel.

So how do you go about becoming more confident?

Well, there's a bunch of physical attributes: head up, shoulders back, firm eye contact, firm handshake, steady voice. None of this is new or complicated. You can read more about it here & here.

Changing your posture does change your emotional state, so by all means do the physical stuff as well (it'll help how you feel), but I'm going to talk about working directly on the non-physical stuff.

Let's start with the easy side of things - how we're perceived externally. Other than posture, how do other people assess how confident we are?

By our speech. What we say, how we say it, the words we use.

I got to thinking about this when reading Jeannette Maw's excellent Good Vibe Blog. She was talking about wiping out wimpy words. Words that disempower us, make us sound wishy washy, limit us.

These are all words & phrases that will make us seems significantly less confident than we may actually be.

pic by nnn27

What are some examples?

• Hopefully
• Probably
• Should
• I suppose

So, my hypothesis is, if we stop using these kinds of words, we'll appear (externally) more confident.

Well, that sounds worth doing, but wait up a second. Before we rush into this, let's think a little.

Who do we talk to the most, out of all of the people in our lives?

Ourselves, of course.

For every time we say something out loud that makes us sound insecure, we're going to be saying the exact same thing to ourselves dozens if not hundreds of times.

Removing these words from our vocab will not only make us more confident to others, but will also make us notably more confident internally, when talking to ourselves.

As within, so without - maybe it's not quite so much of a surprise after all.

Of course, a healthy goal is to remove that nagging inner voice entirely (through meditation, releasing etc), but until we reach that noble pinnacle of enlightenment & inner peace, we still have to contend with our ego. Why not push things in our favour in the meantime?

What's a good way of removing (or at the very least drastically minimising) specific words & phrases from our vocabulary? Well, the tool I've found best for this task is EFT. It's super simple to use and ridiculously quick.

If you haven't used EFT before, I've put a quick intro up here. The basic gist is to tap (just like tapping a keyboard, but with a coupla fingers at once) on various points around the body, while thinking or saying whatever-it-is you want to fix. The tapping loosens up energy blocks in the body, your energy starts flowing properly again and you automatically heal (since our natural state is to be 100% healthy).

So how to remove a word from your vocab? Just tap the karate chop point (side of hand) while saying something like "Even though I say 'hopefully' I love & accept myself", or "Even though I use the phrase 'I guess' I love & accept myself." Really, the words don't matter too much, just say whatever pops in your head & feels right for you. Once you've said that a few times while tapping your karate chop point, work your way around the points on the body (pic here), saying "I say 'hopefully" or "I use the word 'hopefully'" etc & tapping each point 5-10 times.

Once you've done a couple of full rounds, & if you want to be really thorough, you can do a couple more rounds, saying something like "I still say 'hopefully'." This will clear out any remants that might be left over.

It really is that simple. Total time? 2-3 minutes a word, if that.

pic by pixietart

Here's the list I cleared out yesterday:

• hopefully
• probably
• should
• try
• pretty sure
• I'll figure it out
• doubt
• can't
• want (since want is synonymous with 'lack', why not clear that too?)
• I guess
• I suppose
• I need to
• I'm not sure
• I don't think
• kinda

Of course, everyone uses different words & phrases, so your own list will likely be quite different, but these might help you get started. Just see what resonates for you.

The funny thing is, as you start to clear them out, other commonly used limiting phrases will start to become more obvious & bubble to the surface. I also felt the way I was thinking changing. Sounds insane but it's true. I could feel myself using different phrasing internally, & as I did, my body became more sure of itself. Not quite sure (ha! I'll add that to my list) how that works, but a definite example of the mind/body connection at play.

The net result of all this mucking about? More confident thought patterns, more confident speech & a significantly more confident persona. Total time taken? A little over half an hour.

More On The Mirror Exercise

I talked about the mirror exercise a while back. I've used this quite a lot, & discovered a few extra tricks to really amp it up, which I thought I'd share.

I Love You
Paying yourself compliments is a good way to start, particularly if you're feeling down on yourself, but the single most powerful thing to say is simply "I love you."

This heals incredibly deeply. Even if you don't believe it, say it anyway. Of course, the more feeling & energy you can put into it, the better. Shout it out loud if you like, it all helps.

pic by prozac74

Imagine It's Someone Else
So how do you say "I love you" if you're struggling to actually love yourself (like so many of us do)? Well, everyone has someone they're comfortable saying (& meaning) I love you to.

So, look at yourself, but get yourself in a loving state by imagining (initially) that you're saying it to that person. This'll get you started with really feeling it. The more you say it to yourself, the easier it'll get. The more strongly you can feel what you're saying, the more powerful.

Smile
Remember how you act when you meet someone you really like. You smile, right? If you genuinely love them, you'll smile even more. So definitely smile at yourself.

It sounds ridiculous, but there's a definite physiological feedback loop. If you genuinely smile, you will cheer yourself up emotionally too (ie, the energy you're pouring into yourself will increase). Ie, physical state affects emotional state. As nutty as it sounds, this is well recognised. See? Here's proof:

One thing to note with smiles. Humans are very good at assessing the truthfulness of a smile. In other words, telling a fake smile from a real smile. What it comes down to is the very small muscles around the eyes (the orbicularis oculi). So, try to smile so it looks genuine to you. Even if you're not feeling it internally to start with, do it anyway. Yes, you will feel like a crazy person, but it's just you & the mirror, so who cares, right? If nothing else, laughing at how nutty you look trying to fake a real smile might set you off into genuine smiling. If so, great!

Tap While You Do It
Using EFT while you say "I love you" will do a hell of a lot of good. Don't panic too much about the details, just tap on the various points around the body, saying "I love you" on each point. If you feel like something is shifting, feel free to stay on that one point, saying "I love you" over & over until it shifts. If not, no biggie.

I guarantee you, a few loops around your body & you'll start to feeling significantly better about yourself.

Use Your Name
This will help you connect with yourself.

Even better than this, use a name or nickname you commonly used when you were younger. An awful lot of pain in our lives starts very young. Connecting with & loving our younger selves helps bring up, heal & remove this pain in the simplest, least painful way possible. You'll feel it.

All these things help amp up the basic exercise. Simply use any (or all!) of them that resonate with you. I've been doing this every morning recently (my shower has a mirror opposite, so I get to tap & wash at the same time), & it gets each day off to a brilliant start.

How To Stop Feeling Bad

Why do we feel bad?

It's a good question.

An easy answer would be "because bad stuff happens to us", but what for one person would be a disaster, someone else might barely notice.

So what's actually going on here?

In a nutshell?

We beat ourselves up.

That little voice in our heads giving us shit. Yep, it's our ego.

No big surprise there then. So what can we do about it?

Well, stop complaining is certainly a good start, but there's more to it than just that.

For example, how many different ways are there of beating ourselves up?

Regrets, disappointments, undesirable events, worrying about the future, things we dislike about ourselves, or (even sillier) things we dislike about others ("Why oh why did I choose a husband like this?") That's the craziest of all. Resentment about someone else is like drinking poison & expecting the other person to get sick.

Notice that all of these things are either in the past or in the future? Yep, that's not a surprise. More on that later.

A good rule of thumb though? Any time we say something to ourselves that makes us feel worse, that's beating ourselves up, in one way or another.

Ok, so we've mapped out the field, how to deal to this behaviour? How to stop it?

The Reductionist Method
Here's one method that has worked wonders for me.

Every morning I sat down & brainstormed a few lists "Things I disapprove about myself", "Regrets", "Disappointments", "Worries" etc. (You can use any phrasing that resonates). Next, I just worked my way down each list I'd made, healing each item in turn. The whole thing would take, 10 maybe 15 minutes tops.

pic by gwilmore

What I noticed was, each day the lists got shorter, & the items I'd healed didn't come back (or they looked like they came back, but were actually subtly different - i.e. different sub-aspects of a larger issue).

After a few days, I couldn't think of anything for any of the lists. Oh, & I also wasn't thinking any of those crappy thoughts about myself any more.

The fewer negative thoughts you have, the better you'll feel. It's not rocket science.

Of course, when you're making these lists, the things that come up first will be the things you're thinking most often. Those at the top of the list will be the loudest complaints. As you clear those out, you'll naturally work deeper & quieter, till eventually you're clearing out more & more subtle negativity. It's a great, natural way to clear through internal noise in a way that gets you the greatest benefits immediately, but gets more deeply powerful the longer you continue.

It's also good just to do it a little bit each day. Often we need a good night's sleep to fully process & clear things out of our systems.

How to heal this negative self-talk? Well, you can use whatever tool appeals to you. Some of the things that came up I used EFT on, some I used the release technique (aka the Sedona Method), & some I used Reiki. I just trusted my intuition & used what felt right (mostly releasing).

Our ego has a thousand ways of making us feel bad. Constantly nattering at us, trying to bring us down. This is just a good, time effective way I've found to proactively clear out a huge chunk of that crap. Each day getting clearer, lighter & happier.

The Holistic Method
Ok, so, remember how all this negative self talk was either in the future, or in the past? Well, that's not an accident.

Remember Eckhart Tolle? Well, he's way ahead of me on this one. See, if you're the kind of person for whom a methodical approach is just not for you, well, here's what he recommends.

Get yourself completely "in the present." Just be here now.

It's that simple. Let go of all the noise in your head. Stop thinking your thoughts. If they come up, simply let them go.


pic by savannahgrandfather

The important thing to remember is - you are not your thoughts. It's your mind thinking them, not you. Which means you have a choice, seriously, whether you want to keep thinking them or not. As with all things, you always have a choice.

Same thing with any feelings that come up. Just observe them, but let them go too.

This way, you stay 100% in the present moment. You can still be going about your day, doing whatever, but any thoughts & feelings that come up from the past or about the future, just let them drift off.

Now, there's a couple of interesting things about this. Firstly, if you genuinely do welcome up (without attachment) any thoughts or feelings you have, & let go of them fully, they won't come back. (Very loosely, this is how you release).

Be gentle with yourself though, because one large issue can often have a ton of little sub-issues to it that may all need to be cleared. It may seem like you're making no progress, but just keep letting go, keep letting go. Pretty soon you'll start to see the difference.

Secondly, the more you can hold yourself in that present moment, the more junk will naturally come up. Why? Because being in that state holds you in a very specific (very powerful) state of vibration. Much like shaking a dirty glass of water, anything counter to that vibration will float to the top. Of course, the important thing is just to keep letting go of everything that comes up. You feel bad? Great! Let it go. Nasty thoughts or memories? Wonderful! Let those go too. They're only coming up because they're not in accordance with the person you're becoming, with that powerful "Now" vibration that you're holding.

It's all good stuff.

Plus, if you're truly present? Well, it's feels great. Best feeling in the world. So that's a nice bonus too.

Oh, & there's nothing saying you can't use both methods - making lists and being present. Every little bit helps. As Buddha said, "There are many fingers pointing at the moon, but only one moon."

I Love Myself For Hating This

Sometimes life just sucks.

Well, actually it never sucks, but that's a whole other story.

Sometimes it feels like life just sucks.

Everything seems to be going wrong. We're in a terrible mood. We ate some bad clams & the neighbour just ran over our poodle.

In these situations, despite everything we know (in our brains), it can be super hard to even motivate ourselves to do the simple things that will help. Meditate, EFT, go for a run, you name it.

So, here's a simple trick I learned. Enough to kick you out of a slump & get you calm enough to bring your other tools into play.

Just say "I love myself for hating this."

That's it. You don't even have to believe it, just say it. Keep saying it. You'll feel yourself calm down super quick.

Like so many of these things, the more energy you put into it the better it will work, of course.

If you've got the space, hell, scream it.

Why not? & besides, a good scream now & then can be cathartic. Just don't scare the cat.

Why does it work? Well, firstly it takes your focus (ie your energy) away from "it" - the thing you're hating, angry about, upset by or whatever, & brings it onto yourself.

Secondly, you're giving yourself love, approval, acceptance. Even just saying the words "I love myself" with zero energy behind it is helpful, if you're in a really negative space. If you can say it & mean it, well, so much the better.

What's this all about? Well, self-love, self-approval, self-acceptance are the corner stone of any deep healing.

& what better time to heal than when you're pissed off about something? Maximum emotional connectivity, so maximum effectiveness.

Oh, & feel free to change the words around to suit your situation. "I love myself for being upset", "I love myself for throwing up", "I love myself for dancing badly." It's your life, you make the rules.

One thing I've been learning in spades recently is that life can always be easier, if we just get the hell out of the way & let it be.

Oh, & here's another awesome technique I found that helps too. Super simple, takes about 2 seconds. It's all great stuff!

Happiness Is Always A Choice

So let's rock this up a notch. We've already discussed that we are not our thoughts or emotions. We've checked out not verbalising negative thoughts. What's the next logical thing to do?

Take it back a step, of course.

If we're not our thoughts or emotions, well, who controls them?

We do! We're the damn boss, & it's about time they knew that.

Oooh, easier said than done, of course (or is it?) If you've (as I have) spent a lifetime believing that our thoughts & emotions were us, it can be a tricky mindset to adjust.

• "I'm angry"
• "I feel cheated"
• "I worried about this"

Nope, completely wrong.

• "I'm experiencing feelings of anger"
• "I'm experiencing feelings of being cheated"
• "I'm experiencing thoughts of worry"

Choose to walk? Choose to fly. Pic by missvivienne

Ever seen kids at play? They bang themselves, cry, then two minutes later they're back playing again, as happily as if it never happened.

What's going on here? Ok, short attention span might help. Being in the moment definitely helps, but a very important factor is this:

They haven't been trained that they're "supposed" to hang onto things yet.

They don't know about holding onto grudges, or resentment, or pain.

Remember the first time someone really, deeply, hurt you? Still feel that?

Well, how long are you going to hold onto that pain for? Hell, for all you know, the person that caused it is dead now.

Ok ok, so I'm not saying this to belittle the pain you've experienced in your life. Not at all.

The point is this - we make a choice. We always make a choice.

With every thought, every emotion, we make a choice. Hold onto it, or let it go.

Sometimes we have rules. Eg, it's ok for us to let go of these thoughts or emotions:

• After a certain period of time ("Oh, that was years ago")
• After the other person has behaved a certain way (eg, apologised)
• After the other person has suffered
• .. or is dead.

All these rules. Why? They're all bullshit.

They're all rules that we're holding onto that stop us from experiencing happiness now.

How about if you had new rules.

• When the physical pain dissipates, I choose to forget about the incident that caused it
• It's safe to let go of pain, because I remember the lessons learned
• Regardless of how those around me behave, I am the boss of my emotions, & I'll choose how I react (if at all)
• I will only continue to entertain thoughts that I enjoy & let the rest go
• I will actively choose to think thoughts that make me feel better
• If doing something makes me feel better, I'll do it more often.
• If doing soomething makes me feel worse, I'll do it less.

Or, best of all, just decide, "I'm the boss of how anything makes me feel."

Because, & here's a huge secret, YOU ARE.

pic by phuongthao202002

Now yes yes, I can hear you bringing up objections. Life isn't always that simple. It's complicated, messy, we never know what's happening next.

Well here's another secret (I'm full of them today). It's not about being perfect. It's just about being better. Just a little better, tiny steps at a time.

Sure, we all have days where we're a bit slow on the uptake. Get into a bad spiral & take a while to twig to what's going on. That's perfectly ok. Totally normal. Utterly usual.

The point is simply that every moment we choose a higher vibration thought or emotion over a lower one. Ie, we choose to let go of things that bug us, is a moment we become happier.

Another great thing about this process is that if we truly let go, then those thoughts & emotions, over time, stop recurring.

We do, genuinely become happier.

How do I know this? Well, this is exactly what I've been doing over the last few weeks.

In some very real & measurable senses, my life is currently the worst it's ever been. Know what? I don't care. Sure, I've had some freakouts. Total wigouts where I've been a mess for a day. Then I pick myself up, let go of the crappy thoughts & emotions. Heal anything obvious.

And then? Yes. Feel better. Feel happy. Truly. Peacefully.

Even in this situation, I can honestly say I have never felt happier in my life. What's more, every day I know I'm slightly happier than the day before, on average.

The mess around me will be sorted, and soon. Life always changes, & external things will improve. And I'll be happy then too. Because I've chosen to be. Just made a decision "I don't care what happens around me, I'm going to do everything I possibly can to be happy."

Life has ups & downs, definitely, but the more of those downs I choose to let go of, the happier I'm becoming... and if I can do it, so can you. One thought, one emotion at a time.

The Mirror Exercise

This is an oldie but goodie. It's simplicity belies it's power.

Regardless of how easy it is to lie to someone else, it's much, much harder to lie to ourselves. At least, it's much harder when we're actively paying attention.

Find a mirror & some personal space. Look yourself in the eyes, & say "I love you."

That's it. Just say that. Over & over. Out loud. Try to mean it, feel it.

Now, don't be surprised if you find this difficult. Saying it & really meaning it will often trigger things deep within us. Doubts, fears, negative self-image, and so on.

pic by leenah

Deep down, everyone harbours dark thoughts about themselves.

That's ok. The important thing is just to be sincere. If saying "I love you" is too difficult, start small.

"You have nice hands"
"Your hair doesn't totally suck"
"Umm, nice socks"

It really doesn't matter. In fact, it's better to say something small & seemingly irrelevant with deep conviction than something stronger with no energy behind it.

Some tips:

• Compliment yourself sincerely.
• Be specific, go into details.
• Keep eye contact, don't let your eyes gaze over.
• Use your name, like you're talking to another person.
• Mix it up - try to think of every positive thing you possibly can about yourself.
• Be persistent, don't be afraid to say the same thing over & over if you feel things shifting
• If any emotion or tension arises, this is good. Just accept it, & let it go.

The important thing is just to give yourself approval, no matter how small. Larger things will come easier with time.

The other thing that will make a big difference? Do it for a while. More than just a minute or two. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, half an hour or longer if you can manage it.

I know when I first started doing this - I couldn't even look myself in the eye. I'd catch myself looking away, or blinking. It was quite surreal. When I finally managed to hold my own gaze, I felt I couldn't say "I love you" without feeling like a phoney. Another surprise. Then, I just felt waves of emotion cascading out of me. Tears. Relief, then finally joy & peaceful self-acceptance.

Anytime you want to feel good about yourself, this is a sure fire way to do it.

It's surprising, but such a simple little thing as giving ourselves genuine approval is some of the most powerful self-healing we can do.

You Are Not Your Thoughts, Emotions Or Body

Here's an old, but useful exercise:

Pay attention to your thoughts. What are you thinking right now?

Ok. Good.

Here's another one:

What are you feeling right now? What is your primary emotion?

Ok, excellent. Bear with me.

If you lost your little finger in an accident, would you still be you? Or, put another way, since every cell in your body replaces itself every 7-10 years, or sooner, at any point do you stop being you?

See, it breaks down like this. If you can be aware of your thoughts, then you are not your thoughts. We have thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.
With emotions, it's even more obvious. Unfortunately in English we say things like "I am angry." In French or German things are more instructive. They say "I have anger." We have emotions, but we are not our emotions.
We are obviously not our physical body either. We have a body, but there's something more going on.

If you've read a little bit, I'm sure none of this is a surprise. Eckhart Tolle talks about these realisations as part of his enlightenment experience. Oh, & if you get the chance to see him live, I thoroughly recommend it, he's a superbly entertaining speaker.

Of course, this is the point where I could totally understand you saying "Well, ok, so what?" & fair enough too.

This is one of those understandings that it's easy to have intellectually, but might take years before it's really cemented into your being. Really knowing something in your heart can be funny like that.

If we're not our thoughts, emotions or bodies, then what are we? Well, that's another good question. I don't have any easy answers to that, except to say that we're what's left when thoughts & emotions are taken away. We're the space in which they form.

I'm not generally a huge fan of philosophical posturing. You can sit around & talk nonsense for years, but how does it help unless you actually apply it, or do something, or change something?

So, here's something useful you can do with this information.

If you're not your thoughts, or your emotions, then when you sense these things arising, you can let them go, just as easily as they arose.

If you start thinking something that takes you out of your place of joy (or just generally makes you feel bad), then realise they're just thoughts, spontaneously arising. You don't have to keep thinking them. You don't have to stay focussed on that subject. Just let it go. Drop it, or if that doesn't work, distract yourself with something you enjoy more. Why not? I mean, who's the boss - you, or your thoughts?

Same thing with emotions. Feel a negative emotion, you don't have to keep feeling that. You'll only keep feeling it for as long as you choose to. I realise this is a little inflammatory, we're more or less raised to believe that emotions are these powerful things that we either feel intensely, or completely deny (There's that "I am angry" or "I am not angry" thing again).

Bottom line though, who's the boss of you? Are your emotions the boss of you? Well, no, they're not. You can see this when you see two people experience the same event, and react completely differently. Or by watching how much people vary in terms of calming down after an upsetting event.

Emotions do tend to be a little more overwhelming at times. There are many ways to gain control back though. EFT is a good one - that'll allow you to drop any negative emotional reaction altogether. Meditation, Yoga & exercise are helpful too. Anything that helps you maintain your centre, your sense of self - rather than being swept away with events around you.

Once you realise that thoughts & emotions are not you, just things happening to you, you're taking a huge, positive step towards freedom. The more you let go of them as they occur, the less power they have over you, & the more they start to disappear. The more they disappear, the calmer your life becomes, & the more you become, well, you. That sparkling ball of light, love & energy right at the core of your being. The part of you that people fall in love with. The part of you that your friends (the good ones, not the bitchy ones) adore so much.

Well, that's a pretty tall order, so where to start? Just start by paying a little attention. Notice when thoughts or emotions are running away from you. Give yourself a chance to step back a little, let them go. Even just doing that tiny little thing will start to pay dividends immediately. After all, what do you have to lose? The real You, not the thinking/emoting/farting you?

These Are Not Your Stories

I was at a shaman workshop last weekend, and the concept of "the stories of our life" came up.

This makes a lot more sense than merely the singular "story of our life."

Our lives are a multitude of layers, thousands of experiences, all layered upon each other, all combining together to make the gloriousness that is us!

So, first thing to do is recognise these stories for what they are. How do we find them? Easy, just switch off your thinking brain, & start writing!

Eg, for me, they'd go something like:

• I was born in Australa (that's a story)
• We moved around a lot when I was a kid (another story)
• I grew up in a lower-middle class family

and so on..

The critical thing here is this - when we think about identity, ourselves, who we are, it's these stories that define us. These are the things that we tell ourselves over & over each day, in the back of our minds.

And that's exactly the problem.

The more we tell ourselves these stories, the more they define us.

You get in a troubled relationship, make the mistake of extrapolating a bit too much, & start telling yourself "I always fall for the wrong guy/gal", and hey presto, you're going to start doing that in your life. These are self fulfilling prophecies.

Imagine having a guy who followed you around all day, whispering in your ear "you suck!" or "you're a failure!". How long do you think before your life really did start sucking? (or, perhaps a better move, you punched him out).

The problem is, this is exactly what our mind is doing to us. It's why shamans deliberately let go of their stories as part of their training. Why buddhists learn to detach themselves from their egos. It's all the same thing.

Now, that's a pretty big goal, so what's a good first step?

Well, how about realising that a whole bunch of these stories aren't even ours?

90% of what happened before I left home? Those aren't my stories.

Anything I didn't directly choose, or was just something I was told? Those aren't my stories.

I didn't choose to move around as a child. I didn't choose where to live, how much money the family had, & so on. These were my parents' decisions. Sure, they affected me at the time, but they're only my stories if I choose to make them so. They only continue to affect me if I choose to make them part of the collection of stories I tell myself.

Even just changing the focus can help enormously. "I'm from a lower-middle class family" to "I had lower-middle class parents" or "My parents were lower-middle class." At each step removed it's less & less self-defining, so the story has less power. If you want to keep it at all.

Ditto with relationships. How many relationships have you been in where this person, that you chose, respected & loved has told you something terrible about yourself? You're a terrible lover, useless in business, embarrassing to be seen with, and so on.

Why are you choosing to continue telling yourself that story? ("I'm embarrassing to be seen with"). It's not your story, it's just their opinion, their story.

We have the choice, we always have the choice not to continue telling ourselves these stories.

Realising that we have these stories is an important first step.
Identifying which ones we can let go of is enormously empowering.
An easy first step is to chuck out all the ones we have that were never ours to begin with.
When we can finally release them all, then we're well on the way to being truly free to live.

Rewrite Your Past

Memory is notoriously unreliable.

It's a fair bet that most of the memories we have are confused, jumbled, or otherwise incorrect. Certainly not accurate enough to hold up in court - this is, after all, why policemen write down everything at the scene of a crime.

The funny thing is, these are the memories that we torture ourselves with. Regret over things done or not done. Disappointment at other people & ourselves. Perceived failures & missed opportunities.

Even when we're not actively beating ourselves up, those memories are still there in the background, providing (unpleasant) flavour.

If our memories are likely to be wrong (to some degree) anyway, why not at least make them pleasantly wrong? Who's to say they have to be an accurate reflection of the past? Surely what happens in your head is 100% your business?

Of course, changing your memory of your phone number isn't the cleverest thing in the world, but there are plenty of other juicy candidates. How about

• all those situations where you've been socially confident, the life of the party
• the successful presentations you've given
• how popular you were at school
• all those payraises
• the deeply loving & supportive relationships
• the peaceful breakups
• how effortless it's been for you to meet new people
• those moments with your parents where you truly understood how much they loved you
• that long history of high figure sales
• the times you've stunned those around you with your brilliance & insight

You get the idea! Make your (remembered) life as beautiful, poetic & magical as you like!

pic by alicepopkorn

It's your brain - own it!

So how to do this? Well, it doesn't have to be any more complicated than finding a quiet spot, remembering back to specific life situations you've had, and imagining them going however-you-want. Keep imagining them until the old memory fades away & the new replaces it (this is very well researched phenomena). If you feel like part of you is struggling with this, you can always tap while you do it, but that's totally up to you.

Your life is nothing but the sum of your memories. Why not start a new life, right now?

Just start with whatever pops in your head. Recreate your memories, making them as awesome as you possibly can. As Orwell famously said "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." Well you control the present.

As within, so without.

& here's a little anecdote to whet your appetite. I had a particular situation with a certain person a few years back, where perhaps they didn't give me the recognition or appreciation I would have liked. In the few years since then, they've never really mentioned this, let alone made any kind of big deal about it. Just not in their nature.

So hey, I did the above. Imagined them really understanding how much effort I'd put in to help them.. and showing me. I imagined myself feeling deeply appreciated. Loved. Thanked. It was awesome! *laugh*

Didn't take long. The whole thing? Maybe 5 minutes.

The only difference I could outwardly detect was that I felt more loving towards them. That aside, I promptly forgot about it.

Next day, I'm surfing the web, & what do I find? A couple of paragraphs in a very public location, from them, acknowledging & stating exactly what I'd imagined. Giving me that thanks, that appreciation. Exactly how I (now) remember it going.

Coincidence? Maybe. You decide.

The Map'n'Tap - clearing complex issues

A lot of times trying to heal something can be a bit crazy. Often there are so many things that seem relevant that it's almost impossible to know where to start, let alone where to go from there.

So, what to do, what to do?

What I've found works well is to mind-map the issue out, and then tap your way through the map.

What's a mind map? Well, there's a ton of ways of doing them, but the simplest is just to write whatever-issue-it-is in the middle of the page, then just draw lines out from there to anything else that pops into mind while thinking about the issue.

From there you then think about each of those things, and draw lines outward, just connecting each thought to any others that pop up.

(I have a couple of examples below)

This has a lot of benefits:

1. Rather than having to come up with everything in one go, you can just spit bits out as they come to you
2. Once something is written down, you can drop it from your mind rather than having to hold everything in short-term memory
3. By focussing on each sub-issue in turn, it's much easier to find subtle, smaller related facts that may otherwise have been lost - often I've found a core issue right at the root of things only after tracing through 4 or 5 links
4. Roughly speaking, the closer in to the centre of the page, the more significant something is.

Number 4 is important, because in terms of tapping (or whatever healing method works for you), you can then start from the outside in. In the examples below, just follow the red arrows. You tap/heal the 'leaves' right on the outside of the map, then slowly work your way into the middle. At each point, you don't have any related issues getting in the way or slowing things up - either because what you're healing is right on the edge, or because all the smaller, related issues have already been healed.

This also really helps with the need to be specific, in order for tapping to work well.

Now with some issues the maps will come out stupidly simple:

And sometimes they're an absolute mess:

(Yeah, these have both been blurred to heck & back. The details aren't really important, just the relative messiness)

It really doesn't matter too much how you do them, if you want to draw instead of write, or anything. It's your head, so your stuff. You're not doing it for anyone else.

The really interesting thing is - once you've cleared one map, you can redo it, and often completely different stuff will come up. By clearing off that outer layer of gunk, you can see/feel your way to deeper things, things that you previously wouldn't have been able to see for all the mess at the higher level.

It's a nifty tool. I've done TONS of these things in the last few weeks - and combined with finger tapping, even the most complex one I'm usually completely cleared in maybe 20 minutes. When I can look at a phrase or bubble & feel like it just doesn't matter any more, then I just move inwards, nice & simple. Eventually I'll be healing the centre item directly, and it generally just collapses & clears with ease.

As an approach it works a treat. It's swiftly become my favourite tool for understanding & clearing complex issues.

How To Tap All Day (& Not Look Like A Nutcase)

EFT is a pretty useful tool. The only downside is that whacking yourself in the face in public tends to make you look a bit crazy.

And we don't want that, right?

Now, you can tap with your mind - focus on each point in turn, and simply imagine the tapping process - & that does work pretty well, but here's another way.

I picked this up from EFT down under - a couple of local blokes with international renown. I thoroughly recommend downloading their free report (it's all of about 4 pages long) - tons of good info in there.

Anyway, not trying to steal their thunder, but this technique is super useful so I just had to spread it a bit further. How simple is it? Well, you just whack your thumb against the edge of each of your fingers in turn - 5 to 10 times on each finger - just between the tip & first knuckle. Keep looping around to your heart's content! Like this:

Fear my giant sky hands! fear! feeeeaarr!

Of course, you have (I hope) two hands, so for even more impact, you can do it on both hands at once.

How does this compare to regular tapping? Well, I've found that if I'm shifting something big or complicated, then regular tapping kicks slightly more ass, but this is super useful, and effective about 80% of the time. A lot of times this has already shifted enough that I only have to tap one of the "regular" points in order to clear the bigger stuff anyway.

The other big advantage - because it's the kind of thing you can just do in the background while you're doing anything else, it is really useful for clearing out a ton of those niggly background thoughts. You know, the kind of noise that just jiggles around, but isn't necessarily big enough to really put your finger on (umm). After a day of doing this - just a few loops now and then when I remembered, without focussing on anything in particular, I felt a ton of background noise disappearing. Funniest thing was, I couldn't even figure out what I'd lost, just that things were clearer, & I felt a lot calmer.

I also find that because I can tap much faster with my fingers, I can cycle through a lot quicker, so I'm shifting things much much faster too.

Since this style of tapping is so unintrusive, it's the kind of thing you can idly do while you're on a bus, walking down the street, writing with the other hand, whatever. Best of all, without anyone really noticing, or getting yourself chucked in the loony bin.

It's super handy. Heh, as it were.

The 4 Most Powerful Phrases In The World

I read a while back about a therapist in Hawaii who practised something called Ho'oponopono (took me weeks to learn how to spell that reliably).

Annnnyway, the way the story goes, this therapist, Dr Len went to work at an ultra hardcore insane asylum. The staff turnover rate was crazy high, and the patients were so violent that most of them were pretty much shackled up. Not a nice place.

So, Dr Len starts working there, and never sees a single patient. He just sits in his office, all day every day. After a few months, the shackled patients were being allowed to walk around freely. Others were coming off their medication. Staff absenteeism & turnover dropped to zero. After three years, all the patients had left & the place closed down.

Yes, an asylum for violent & criminally insane patients closed down because everyone was healed & there was no-one left to treat!

Needless to say, this pretty much got my attention. What the hell was Dr Len actually doing in his office?

Well, he looked at the patient's files, looked within himself to see how he created that person's illness, and then healed himself. As he healed himself, the patients got better.

No, I didn't mis-type that. He healed himself, and the patients got better. You can read more about Dr Len here.

The next question, of course, is how did he heal himself? Actually, it was very simple. He just looked at what needed healing inside himself, and said four things (the basis of Ho'oponopono), over and over:

• I'm Sorry.
• Please Forgive Me.
• Thank You
• I Love You

So imagine my surprise when I was recently reading "The True Power of Water" by Masaru Emoto. You may remember Emoto (what a great name!) - he wraps bottles of water with words, and then photographs the crystals that develop (or don't).

Given that we're 70% water, I figure it's probably worth paying a little attention to what he has to say on the subject.

Now, Emoto has spent decades trying different words, different languages, all to see the effect they have on water. His basic discovery is that negative words (whether written down, sung, or thought at the water) result in ugly looking water, whereas positive words result in beautiful looking water structures.

Which I guess also means that whatever we're bombarding ourselves with is more than just affecting our brains, it's actively changing 70% of our physical bodies.

The really interesting thing though?

Guess what the single most beautiful crystal he ever found was.

The water that was wrapped in words for "Love" & "Gratitude". That's right - I Love You, & Thank You - or two of the magic four phrases from Ho'oponopono.

Sweat The Small Stuff

I had a weird dream last night. So, as usual, I tapped on it.

Thing is, I could feel that while it was helping, it wasn't really getting to the root of the problem. In my dream, I dunno, I was in this weird war zone - kindof. I had a gun, there were people out to get me - all of them, it seemed. Very odd. When I woke things weren't very clear, so I was struggling a bit to connect with it.

So, I did what I often do - pulled up a text editor, cleared my mind, and just started typing. Whatever popped in my head I wrote down - particularly the stupid stuff. Almost like automatic writing, I suppose. Meditating around the subject would do the same thing, but this way I have a record.

Here's what popped out:

WHY IS EVERYONE STILL OUT TO GET ME? [nice big header to keep me focussed]

• or hurt me
• or make things difficult for me
• or trip me up

And a little lightbulb came on in my head "trip me up"? WtF? That's.. odd.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, a very specific incident came to mind. When I was 7, running along in school, some random kid sitting next to the path stuck his foot out & tripped me up - just for laughs, I think. I grazed my hands & got a bit upset.

On the scale of things, how big is this, I mean. Really? Getting tripped up at school? It's ridiculous. I know people that have been caught in the middle of mass murders. Killed dozens of people in wars. Been repeatedly raped for years. That's trauma. Getting tripped up? It's so trivial it's laughable.

And yet.

I started tapping on this, and the picture started to open out.

pic by jeaniepaul

The thing that's important to remember is this: What's tiny to an adult is gigantic to a child. Also, at that age, we have very little experience & our brains haven't even finished developing yet (they don't until our early 20's).

You can pretty much guarantee that we will interpret things in a way that is both wrong, and childish, to our adult brains. However, we never stop & reassess these situations. Even as adults, we take these childish interpretations, and they become our truth. Our core beliefs. The basis for our lives.

For me, this innocuous situation left me with the beliefs that:

• I couldn't trust anyone
• Everyone was 'out to get me'

This trust issue is something that's been niggling me for years now - and of course caused problems in every relationship, intimate, business, or otherwise, that I've ever been in. However, until now, I haven't really been able to see below the surface.

Could it all stem from that one silly incident? Now, there was another kid who tripped me up on my birthday once (same school, boy oh boy). But those two incidents combined together? Sure. Definitely.

It's ridiculous, looking back as an adult, to see such a forgettable incident causing such long term damage, and yet this sort of thing happens all the time.

There is no incident too small. Remember, we were children then, we saw things in a childish way. If we're looking to heal ourselves, it's important to pay particular attention to the kinds of things that as an adult we now see as trivial. If we still remember them, they're still in our consciousness, in our awareness. So they're significant, no matter how they might look now. In fact, a good rule of thumb is - the sillier & more trivial it seems, the more important it really is.

After all, if an event is really that trivial, why have we bothered to remember it all these years?

Bacon, Bagels & Noodles

A week or so ago I got rid of my final cooked food addiction... or so I thought.

I'd been reading a really interesting thread on Give It To Me Raw about being addicted to cooked food. At the time I was eating all raw.. except for going out for hot chips, ohhh, 2 or 3 times a week.

*scratches head* What the hell was up with that?

Well, it turns out that potatoes (and wheat) have a similar effect on the brain to mild opiates - ie, they cause a slight distancing from your current concerns. At the time I had been feeling some heavy emotions coming up, and had been fearful of dealing with them (no, I hadn't thought about just tapping out the fear *slaps forehead*), so of course I was instinctively gravitating to potatoes in order to quell those emotions & keep myself 'safe'.

Keeping me safe, & making me feel good being the primary aim of all these sorts of automatic behaviours - it's just the "little us" inside, our minds, trying to protect us. The irony, of course, is that typically the behaviours actually worsen the situation, they just feel like they help.

So, once I tapped out using chips to numb myself, voila! Last cooked food addiction! I am now perfect & worthy of adoration, green smoothies all round!! (for the humour deprived, I'm joking.. oh, except for the smoothies, they rock, please, have one, you'll feel much better).

Ok, where was I? Oh yes, hot chips.

So, that was well and good. Back on the wagon I go, and sure enough, start feeling awesome again, bouncing around the room Russian cossack dancing to Billy Holiday and so on, as I am wont to do.

If there's one thing I've learned on this food journey, starting way back with that insane juice feast, it's that a lot (all?) of the time we crave or feel drawn to a specific food - and particularly those we've had a lot of in the past - it's not the food we're drawn to. It's the emotional feeling we attach to that food. Occasionally there are biochemical drivers, of course, but emotional attachment is definitely the major one.

Since the great hot chip realisation of 2008, I've had the chance to see this in detail with three more separate foods (the alert readers among you will already have a good idea what they are).

Bacon

pic by Bobby Stokes (note the opiate bread+hashbrowns too, always a bonus)

After a recent mild financial setback, I had a definite desire to go out for a cooked breakfast. Ok, no big deal, being raw (for me, at least) is about eating whatever-the-hell-you-want, but being conscious about why. That's what's important, not necessarily what I shove in my gob.

After a bit of thought, I realised - it wasn't the rest of the breakfast that mattered, it was really all about the bacon. Why? Well when I was growing up, we didn't have bacon very often - with 8 kids, that's a LOT of bacon, and it's pretty expensive stuff. So, at some level I associated bacon with wealth - it was my 'wealthy food', as it were. I'd eat it, and feel wealthy.

Like so many things, in hindsight, this is both amusing & kinda ridiculous.

Of course, breaking this connection was as simple as tapping it out (2mins, done). Now I'm still free to enjoy bacon, if I choose, but it won't be because of some illusory feeling I ascribe to the mythical powers of the fried pig!

Noodles

pic by サンドラ (These are the fancy ones, we only dreamt of these)

I've always enjoyed noodles, and even discovered a great little place here in Melbourne that makes their own noodles on the premises. It's super cool - you can actually watch the chef in the window swinging them around. I just love that kind of thing. Oh, plus it's super cheap - always an unexpected bonus with great food. Ironically I discovered this place only after I decided to seriously up my raw food intake. Hehe ewps.

Of course, I do realise that noodles are in the flour+water=glue-in-my-belly food group - not particularly easy to digest & will tend to make me sleepy as my body fights to digest it.

What's taken me much longer to realise is the emotional association I had with noodles. I didn't twig to this until I was in the supermarket downstairs watching a guy building a gargantuan stack of 25c packets of instant noodles.

This took me back in a flash to a time over a decade ago, living with my little brother Rob in a dilapidated place in the centre of a town described by the CEO of Glaxo Wellcome as "the arse end of the universe" (Glaxo was founded there). We were basically living off the cheapest of the cheap of the horrid little packets of two minute noodles at the time. We used to wait until there was a sale, then go and fill up an entire shopping trolley of the things at discounted prices.

Ahh, good times.

*cough*

Anyway, got rid of THAT connection. Still love my brother, can live without the deep fried flour+god knows what else.

Bagels

pic by sionfullana (no, my sister is not Asian, but I do like the size of that bagel)

Bagels were more interesting. I never ate them until my sister Ruth went to the Atlanta Olympics in 1996. She came back and raved to me about how good they were - even just eaten plain.

So of course there was the association. Hanging out with her, having bagels together. Definitely a positive connection there.

There was a little more to it though. When I was working in London, at a particularly productive time in my life, I used to have bagels for breakfast every morning - with an orange juice (see? health conscious!). So as well as the association with her, I'd also connected them with being productive. Since I love being productive, if I wanted to feel that way, I would have a bagel.

This sounds like lunacy, and in a way it is, but this is the way our minds work.

The result
So what does breaking these connections achieve? Well, several things:

1. Eating those foods won't pump my brain with endorphins or whatever-other-chemicals are created by the emotional connection I've made
2. I don't feel compelled to eat those foods when what I actually want is the emotional feeling
3. I'm still completely free to eat them, if I want, and enjoy them for what they are as foods - unclouded by anything else I've attached to them.

Stopping to look at it - what's more healthy? Missing my sister, and eating a bagel to remind me of good times hanging out together, or missing my sister & picking up the phone to tell her I love her?

If I really must, I can always eat a bagel while I call her - it won't be the first time she's heard me talking with my mouth full. That way she gets the love AND an earful of bagel - the perfect solution!

How To Get What You Want In Relationships (But Not What You Asked For)

I've been giving a lot of thought to how we attract people into our lives - who we end up in relationships with, and so on. This applies both to intimate relationships, and more importantly friendships (since we generally have far more & are less discriminating with friends than lovers)

It's pretty obvious (in hindsight) that while a bunch of factors determine our partners - very few of these are actually at the conscious level. You want a guy who treats you well, and yet somehow always end up with angry drunks? Huh?

Here are some of the reasons why this sort of thing happens:

Your Patterns
If you look back over all your relationships, what recurring themes can you see? I don't mean obvious things like age difference, or hair colour.

I mean things like - were you meeting damaged people & trying to fix them? Were you with people who supported you as much as you supported them, or was it all one sided? Did they respect you? Do you often find yourself in relationships with people that were selfish or self-centred? That have no money themselves but lots of ideas how to spend yours? People that are angry? Rude to waiters? Lazy?

The problem is - whether you're aware of these patterns or not, whatever it is inside you that is creating them will continue to create them - at least, until you heal the patterns or otherwise clear them out.

For example, I know that until very recently I've had a very deep need for approval (Thanks, great-great-great grandma! Fortunately this is sorted now). As such, I've regularly got in relationships with "broken" people - not bad people per se, just those with a lot of issues I could then help them with. As I help them, they're grateful, and voila, my need for approval is fulfilled.

Now, I saw this vividly in my very first relationship - with a suicidal bulemic - and swore I'd never do it again. At a conscious level, I chose to stay away from these situations, and yet - they continued to echo through my life regardless. Despite my best conscious attention, I've been involved with a violent alcoholic, an anorexic, sociopathic liars & many serious abuse victims. Most interestingly, none of these attributes were visible in the early stages of the relatonships. There was no way I would know until it was too late.

At some level, I was drawing these situations to myself, despite my best (conscious) intentions.

Their Patterns
There are two people in every relationship (well, ok, excluding polyamory), so it's worth remembering that any characteristics you have will attract people looking for those attributes.

Think about it this way - whatever you dislike most about yourself? There will be people who are drawn to that (for many reasons). You will be part of completing their deepest desires - even if it's a part of yourself you don't particularly want to be sharing with anyone.

Your Fears
One of the most maddening aspects of life is that you not only attract things that you desire, but also things you hate, or fear.

It breaks down like this - anything you place attention on - whether positive or negative - is drawn to you. Yeah yeah, law of attraction, etc etc.

So how does this pan out in relationships? Well, if you have (as I have for years) a fear of being used for your dosh? Sooner or later (or worse - very often) you're going to end up with someone who is mostly there for the bling. Have a deep fear of jealousy - you're going to end up with people who make you jealous. Trust me on this - like crazy. Afraid of being cheated on? Your partners will cheat on you. Afraid you might be a loser? You'll attract people who believe you really are.

And so it goes.

pic by McNeny

What To Do About All This
This could get frustratingly depressing very quickly. Hold your hankies though! There is, as always, good news!

The first is to be aware that you always have choice. With the exception of family, every single person in your life is there because you (at some point) chose them to be there. So, you can also choose for them not to be.

It's also important to realise that unless you're VERY careful (on an energetic level) every person you interact with will affect you, at some point. Your friends that you see all the time? They're going to have a huge, cumulative effect on your life. Your boyfriend gets angry at the traffic? You're going to end up road raging along with him.

So, it's worth thinking about who you want near you. It's an important decision, and needs to be made for every significant relationship you have (not just your intimate partners)

Secondly, once you figure out the worst of the patterns, merely being aware of them will help you avoid the most egregious examples. While I may have not have successfully avoided girls with eating disorders, that was the last time I spent time with anyone (friend or partner) who was aggressively suicidal. These are small but important steps that will still save you a world of hurt.

Thirdly, by seeing the patterns, you'll be able to track them back & heal them. There are tons of tools for doing this of course (heh, I feel like I'm always saying that - but I do keep discovering more of them every week).

Even just giving some thought to your most recent relationship - or your closest current friends, you'll be able to see definite patterns. If you were using EFT, for example, you could start with something really general like "Even though I attract people that don't respect me..". Something non-specific like that probably won't clear the problem out completely, but it will definitely give you enough traction to really find out what's going on, & then kick that junk to the curb.

pic by Mark_2000

The greatest thing is this - if you're, say, 30 now, you may live another 100 years (yes, the typical life expectancy for 30 year olds today is 125-150 years).

So, how many friends will you have in the next 100 years? If you make 5 new friends a year, that's 500 friends. If you have one new partner every 5 years, that's another 20 intimate relationships. So, even just clearing out one negative pattern will mean you straight away get 500 better friends & 20 better partners. How awesome is that? (answer: unbelievably!)

And if you really get into it? Why, the sky's the limit! Awesome relationships all round, on the double!!

The Healing Power Of Music

When I was in my early teens, my mother 'encouraged' me to do three things - take up an instrument (guitar), learn a language (French), & do gymnastics. I pretty much sucked at all three of them.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about doing some chanting (in Sanskrit) - the thought of which freaked me the hell out. Ok, so what the heck is up with that? Of course - this hits two of the three - languages & music. Pretty obviously this was teenage rebellion at "being forced" to do something - I was thus insisting on being right, & on proving Mum wrong.

In some kind of synchronicity, I've also had this song brought to my attention - "Fall At Your Feet" - by Crowded House:

The lyrics of which are:

I'm really close tonight
And I feel like I'm moving inside her
Lying in the dark
And I think that I'm beginning to know her
Let it go
I'll be there when you call

And whenever I fall at your feet
You let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

You're hiding from me now
There's something in the way that youre talking
Words don't sound right
But I hear them all moving inside you, go
I'll be waiting when you call

Hey and whenever I fall at your feet
Won't you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead
I fall

Whenever I fall at your feet
Would you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I fall, ever I fall

(courtesy of lyricsfreak)

I start listening to this song this morning, and immediately felt stuff start to lift off me. Singing along with it only amplified the effect. I ended up singing this for the best part of two hours, tears streaming down my face as long buried memories surfaced & layer after layer of rubbish cleared away. As I sang or struggled with certain phrases completely different things would lift off. I also instinctively began by singing in a much higher (ie, adolescent) register - then, as the healing progressed, my voice dropped significantly. My vocal cords hurt - they'd never been used at that pitch before.

Here's what singing this song lifted off me:

• "Finger of blame" - that it was time to accept learning
• "Let it go" - it was ok for Mum to be right
• I kept forgetting the lyric - which echoed French vocab - & was accompanised by a definite visual of my 13 year old school hall
• "Want my presence of need my help" - obstinance
• "Something in the way that you're talking" - French vocab tests
• Any time I lost the tune - took me back to 14 year old music & not being able to remember any guitar at all
• Some obvious residual breakup stuff
• I was continually starting singing too early - much like business ventures I've started that have been a decade (or more) ahead of their time
• When singing in the higher register, I couldn't hold "I fall" for the entire length - realising that when I am now is where I am supposed to be
• I was much more comfortable in a higher register - the belief that things have to be comfortable, familiar, to be safe
• Still struggling to find the right notes - & the right place in my life
• The subtle words kept tripping me up - echoing accents/graves, etc in French
• The 2nd verse got rid of some residual anger at having things hidden from me (despite my fully knowing)
• "Let it go" - much trickier in the lower register - fear that it was harder to do things this way, easier/safer the old way
• Was still struggling to remember the most basic words

At this point I started singing the song without listening to the music or reading the lyrics

• Still can't get it right - hit my residual perfectionism
• At the higher register - I was warbling a bit - not as good as I thought I might be
• Kept saying "you" instead of "her" - afraid to get close
• Kept screwing up verb tenses - just like French
• Kept saying "happy" instead of "willing" - I wasn't happy, & wasn't willing to be happy
• "whenever I touch your slow turning pain" - that I was addicted to other's pain
• Kept saying "moving" not "turning" - also addicted to helping them with their pain
• Kept saying "know" not "go" - knowledge being more important to me than action
• Kept saying "touch" not "fall at your feet" - that I'm desperate for touch, having spent a long time with minimal human closeness
• Still singing flat - just like music class when I was unable to tell notes apart
• Timing was all screwed up - just like when I've been trading
• "Whenever I touch" - that my addictive personality - I can't get high without assistance (via food, chemicals, whatever)
• I really struggled with "let it go". hehe.
• "I fall at your feet" - I kept warbling "your" - because I had a problem with what others have that I don't
• Got a complete mental block at "I'm more than willing", thought it was "more than ready" - realised I wasn't "more than ready" for anything

Needless to say I drank a TON of water & went through a LOT of tissues through this process.

I've seen & used a lot of healing techniques, but this absolutely blew me away in terms of how much it cleared. Amusingly, I'm sure this comes as no surprise to the musicians out there.

Ok, so now let's dissect the frog (ie, examine in ridiculous detail an otherwise beautiful thing).

Here's what I like, lyrically, about this track:

1. The subtle tense changes showing the emotional growth of the relationship - first "I'll be there" when she calls, then "I'll be waiting" - you can feel him hanging on more as he gets more involved. In the chorus, first it's "You let your tears rain down on me", then "won't you.." - begging, then finally resignedly pleading "would you.."
2. The growth of the relationship: from early sex "Think I'm beginning to know her", the development of behaviour patterns, sympathy from her as he falls at her feet; to her hiding something, pulling away; then, finally, his desperation and pain.
3. The subtlety of the final line - the implication of aloneness - he falls, but there's no-one there to pick him up "whenever I fall, ever I fall" - so he stays fallen forever.
4. The tie in - first he's moving inside her, then, when she's pulling away, he can hear the (wrong sounding) words moving inside her - as she's avoiding subjects, wheedling around the (obvious) truth - since he's already picked up that there's something in the way that she's talking.
5. The subtle transition from - thinking that he's knowing her, but telling himself to relax & just enjoy the moment "let it go" - to hearing that she's lying, "words all moving inside you" & breaking up with her - the imperative "go".
6. The transition early on from singing about her, to singing to her.

Oh, & here's a version I just recorded of myself singing this. It was all done from memory (no lyrics in front of me), and acapella (since I don't have any instruments here). For comparison, I estimated once that I've listened to my all time favourite song, "One" by U2 probably around 1500 times. Last time I checked, I still had no idea what the entire lyrics were. Oh, and this is both the first time I've sung in public, the first time I've recorded myself, and it was done in one take, with no edits. Fall At Your Feet

Are You In Love With Your Pain?

A couple of years ago, when I first discovered EFT, it changed my life so much, so quickly, I immediately went around telling everyone I knew about it (Yes yes, I realise now how dopey & threatening this kind of behaviour is, I was just super excited)

I remember one conversation particularly vividly. Telling a friend with dyslexia that she could get rid of it, if she wanted.

Know what happened? She got angry. Yes, angry. Surprised the hell out of me.

"Huh!" I remember thinking, "I guess being dyslexic is just really important to her."

Now here's the funny part of the story. Remember that old saying "We hate most in others what we despise in ourselves?".

I was watching this incredibly informative video by Rozalind Gruben this morning, on Social & Emotional Aspects of Eating (45 mins in 5 chunks, but definitely worth finding time for). She talks about the abandonment & disapproval that we experience as children - as part of the way we're culturally raised. About how we start to see ourselves as flawed, & identify with what we're told by the people around us.

.. and then it hit me

.

I've spent my life - or at least, as much of it as I can remember - defining myself by my pain. My struggle. My misery. (Note the use of 'My' - a good sign it's my ego talking)

Ironically, my spiritual journey has been all about struggling to free myself from this self-imposed identity - that I'm miserable, in pain & suffering. Although I have been moving towards less struggle, less misery & less pain, it's been damn hard work.

Yes, I'm laughing as I write this. It's all so obvious now!

And yes, it's been a struggle. Every key area of my life has been difficult.

Well this is simply because I've wanted it this way. I've been in love with it. It's been a part of who I am. Yes, my decision. Maybe not consciously, but still, my choice.

The wonderful thing is that even just realising this has enabled me to change it. I was doing some tapping (EFT) this morning, and everytime I went to tap on something, part of my brain just went "Peh, ok, that's gone." - before I could even get started.

That struggle, that pain, doesn't have to be part of who I am any more. I chose it for years, but, well, now I choose differently.