Rewrite Your Past

Memory is notoriously unreliable.

It's a fair bet that most of the memories we have are confused, jumbled, or otherwise incorrect. Certainly not accurate enough to hold up in court - this is, after all, why policemen write down everything at the scene of a crime.

The funny thing is, these are the memories that we torture ourselves with. Regret over things done or not done. Disappointment at other people & ourselves. Perceived failures & missed opportunities.

Even when we're not actively beating ourselves up, those memories are still there in the background, providing (unpleasant) flavour.

If our memories are likely to be wrong (to some degree) anyway, why not at least make them pleasantly wrong? Who's to say they have to be an accurate reflection of the past? Surely what happens in your head is 100% your business?

Of course, changing your memory of your phone number isn't the cleverest thing in the world, but there are plenty of other juicy candidates. How about

• all those situations where you've been socially confident, the life of the party
• the successful presentations you've given
• how popular you were at school
• all those payraises
• the deeply loving & supportive relationships
• the peaceful breakups
• how effortless it's been for you to meet new people
• those moments with your parents where you truly understood how much they loved you
• that long history of high figure sales
• the times you've stunned those around you with your brilliance & insight

You get the idea! Make your (remembered) life as beautiful, poetic & magical as you like!

pic by alicepopkorn

It's your brain - own it!

So how to do this? Well, it doesn't have to be any more complicated than finding a quiet spot, remembering back to specific life situations you've had, and imagining them going however-you-want. Keep imagining them until the old memory fades away & the new replaces it (this is very well researched phenomena). If you feel like part of you is struggling with this, you can always tap while you do it, but that's totally up to you.

Your life is nothing but the sum of your memories. Why not start a new life, right now?

Just start with whatever pops in your head. Recreate your memories, making them as awesome as you possibly can. As Orwell famously said "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." Well you control the present.

As within, so without.

& here's a little anecdote to whet your appetite. I had a particular situation with a certain person a few years back, where perhaps they didn't give me the recognition or appreciation I would have liked. In the few years since then, they've never really mentioned this, let alone made any kind of big deal about it. Just not in their nature.

So hey, I did the above. Imagined them really understanding how much effort I'd put in to help them.. and showing me. I imagined myself feeling deeply appreciated. Loved. Thanked. It was awesome! *laugh*

Didn't take long. The whole thing? Maybe 5 minutes.

The only difference I could outwardly detect was that I felt more loving towards them. That aside, I promptly forgot about it.

Next day, I'm surfing the web, & what do I find? A couple of paragraphs in a very public location, from them, acknowledging & stating exactly what I'd imagined. Giving me that thanks, that appreciation. Exactly how I (now) remember it going.

Coincidence? Maybe. You decide.

The Map'n'Tap - clearing complex issues

A lot of times trying to heal something can be a bit crazy. Often there are so many things that seem relevant that it's almost impossible to know where to start, let alone where to go from there.

So, what to do, what to do?

What I've found works well is to mind-map the issue out, and then tap your way through the map.

What's a mind map? Well, there's a ton of ways of doing them, but the simplest is just to write whatever-issue-it-is in the middle of the page, then just draw lines out from there to anything else that pops into mind while thinking about the issue.

From there you then think about each of those things, and draw lines outward, just connecting each thought to any others that pop up.

(I have a couple of examples below)

This has a lot of benefits:

1. Rather than having to come up with everything in one go, you can just spit bits out as they come to you
2. Once something is written down, you can drop it from your mind rather than having to hold everything in short-term memory
3. By focussing on each sub-issue in turn, it's much easier to find subtle, smaller related facts that may otherwise have been lost - often I've found a core issue right at the root of things only after tracing through 4 or 5 links
4. Roughly speaking, the closer in to the centre of the page, the more significant something is.

Number 4 is important, because in terms of tapping (or whatever healing method works for you), you can then start from the outside in. In the examples below, just follow the red arrows. You tap/heal the 'leaves' right on the outside of the map, then slowly work your way into the middle. At each point, you don't have any related issues getting in the way or slowing things up - either because what you're healing is right on the edge, or because all the smaller, related issues have already been healed.

This also really helps with the need to be specific, in order for tapping to work well.

Now with some issues the maps will come out stupidly simple:

And sometimes they're an absolute mess:

(Yeah, these have both been blurred to heck & back. The details aren't really important, just the relative messiness)

It really doesn't matter too much how you do them, if you want to draw instead of write, or anything. It's your head, so your stuff. You're not doing it for anyone else.

The really interesting thing is - once you've cleared one map, you can redo it, and often completely different stuff will come up. By clearing off that outer layer of gunk, you can see/feel your way to deeper things, things that you previously wouldn't have been able to see for all the mess at the higher level.

It's a nifty tool. I've done TONS of these things in the last few weeks - and combined with finger tapping, even the most complex one I'm usually completely cleared in maybe 20 minutes. When I can look at a phrase or bubble & feel like it just doesn't matter any more, then I just move inwards, nice & simple. Eventually I'll be healing the centre item directly, and it generally just collapses & clears with ease.

As an approach it works a treat. It's swiftly become my favourite tool for understanding & clearing complex issues.

How To Tap All Day (& Not Look Like A Nutcase)

EFT is a pretty useful tool. The only downside is that whacking yourself in the face in public tends to make you look a bit crazy.

And we don't want that, right?

Now, you can tap with your mind - focus on each point in turn, and simply imagine the tapping process - & that does work pretty well, but here's another way.

I picked this up from EFT down under - a couple of local blokes with international renown. I thoroughly recommend downloading their free report (it's all of about 4 pages long) - tons of good info in there.

Anyway, not trying to steal their thunder, but this technique is super useful so I just had to spread it a bit further. How simple is it? Well, you just whack your thumb against the edge of each of your fingers in turn - 5 to 10 times on each finger - just between the tip & first knuckle. Keep looping around to your heart's content! Like this:

Fear my giant sky hands! fear! feeeeaarr!

Of course, you have (I hope) two hands, so for even more impact, you can do it on both hands at once.

How does this compare to regular tapping? Well, I've found that if I'm shifting something big or complicated, then regular tapping kicks slightly more ass, but this is super useful, and effective about 80% of the time. A lot of times this has already shifted enough that I only have to tap one of the "regular" points in order to clear the bigger stuff anyway.

The other big advantage - because it's the kind of thing you can just do in the background while you're doing anything else, it is really useful for clearing out a ton of those niggly background thoughts. You know, the kind of noise that just jiggles around, but isn't necessarily big enough to really put your finger on (umm). After a day of doing this - just a few loops now and then when I remembered, without focussing on anything in particular, I felt a ton of background noise disappearing. Funniest thing was, I couldn't even figure out what I'd lost, just that things were clearer, & I felt a lot calmer.

I also find that because I can tap much faster with my fingers, I can cycle through a lot quicker, so I'm shifting things much much faster too.

Since this style of tapping is so unintrusive, it's the kind of thing you can idly do while you're on a bus, walking down the street, writing with the other hand, whatever. Best of all, without anyone really noticing, or getting yourself chucked in the loony bin.

It's super handy. Heh, as it were.

The 4 Most Powerful Phrases In The World

I read a while back about a therapist in Hawaii who practised something called Ho'oponopono (took me weeks to learn how to spell that reliably).

Annnnyway, the way the story goes, this therapist, Dr Len went to work at an ultra hardcore insane asylum. The staff turnover rate was crazy high, and the patients were so violent that most of them were pretty much shackled up. Not a nice place.

So, Dr Len starts working there, and never sees a single patient. He just sits in his office, all day every day. After a few months, the shackled patients were being allowed to walk around freely. Others were coming off their medication. Staff absenteeism & turnover dropped to zero. After three years, all the patients had left & the place closed down.

Yes, an asylum for violent & criminally insane patients closed down because everyone was healed & there was no-one left to treat!

Needless to say, this pretty much got my attention. What the hell was Dr Len actually doing in his office?

Well, he looked at the patient's files, looked within himself to see how he created that person's illness, and then healed himself. As he healed himself, the patients got better.

No, I didn't mis-type that. He healed himself, and the patients got better. You can read more about Dr Len here.

The next question, of course, is how did he heal himself? Actually, it was very simple. He just looked at what needed healing inside himself, and said four things (the basis of Ho'oponopono), over and over:

• I'm Sorry.
• Please Forgive Me.
• Thank You
• I Love You

So imagine my surprise when I was recently reading "The True Power of Water" by Masaru Emoto. You may remember Emoto (what a great name!) - he wraps bottles of water with words, and then photographs the crystals that develop (or don't).

Given that we're 70% water, I figure it's probably worth paying a little attention to what he has to say on the subject.

Now, Emoto has spent decades trying different words, different languages, all to see the effect they have on water. His basic discovery is that negative words (whether written down, sung, or thought at the water) result in ugly looking water, whereas positive words result in beautiful looking water structures.

Which I guess also means that whatever we're bombarding ourselves with is more than just affecting our brains, it's actively changing 70% of our physical bodies.

The really interesting thing though?

Guess what the single most beautiful crystal he ever found was.

The water that was wrapped in words for "Love" & "Gratitude". That's right - I Love You, & Thank You - or two of the magic four phrases from Ho'oponopono.

Sweat The Small Stuff

I had a weird dream last night. So, as usual, I tapped on it.

Thing is, I could feel that while it was helping, it wasn't really getting to the root of the problem. In my dream, I dunno, I was in this weird war zone - kindof. I had a gun, there were people out to get me - all of them, it seemed. Very odd. When I woke things weren't very clear, so I was struggling a bit to connect with it.

So, I did what I often do - pulled up a text editor, cleared my mind, and just started typing. Whatever popped in my head I wrote down - particularly the stupid stuff. Almost like automatic writing, I suppose. Meditating around the subject would do the same thing, but this way I have a record.

Here's what popped out:

WHY IS EVERYONE STILL OUT TO GET ME? [nice big header to keep me focussed]

• or hurt me
• or make things difficult for me
• or trip me up

And a little lightbulb came on in my head "trip me up"? WtF? That's.. odd.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, a very specific incident came to mind. When I was 7, running along in school, some random kid sitting next to the path stuck his foot out & tripped me up - just for laughs, I think. I grazed my hands & got a bit upset.

On the scale of things, how big is this, I mean. Really? Getting tripped up at school? It's ridiculous. I know people that have been caught in the middle of mass murders. Killed dozens of people in wars. Been repeatedly raped for years. That's trauma. Getting tripped up? It's so trivial it's laughable.

And yet.

I started tapping on this, and the picture started to open out.

pic by jeaniepaul

The thing that's important to remember is this: What's tiny to an adult is gigantic to a child. Also, at that age, we have very little experience & our brains haven't even finished developing yet (they don't until our early 20's).

You can pretty much guarantee that we will interpret things in a way that is both wrong, and childish, to our adult brains. However, we never stop & reassess these situations. Even as adults, we take these childish interpretations, and they become our truth. Our core beliefs. The basis for our lives.

For me, this innocuous situation left me with the beliefs that:

• I couldn't trust anyone
• Everyone was 'out to get me'

This trust issue is something that's been niggling me for years now - and of course caused problems in every relationship, intimate, business, or otherwise, that I've ever been in. However, until now, I haven't really been able to see below the surface.

Could it all stem from that one silly incident? Now, there was another kid who tripped me up on my birthday once (same school, boy oh boy). But those two incidents combined together? Sure. Definitely.

It's ridiculous, looking back as an adult, to see such a forgettable incident causing such long term damage, and yet this sort of thing happens all the time.

There is no incident too small. Remember, we were children then, we saw things in a childish way. If we're looking to heal ourselves, it's important to pay particular attention to the kinds of things that as an adult we now see as trivial. If we still remember them, they're still in our consciousness, in our awareness. So they're significant, no matter how they might look now. In fact, a good rule of thumb is - the sillier & more trivial it seems, the more important it really is.

After all, if an event is really that trivial, why have we bothered to remember it all these years?

Bacon, Bagels & Noodles

A week or so ago I got rid of my final cooked food addiction... or so I thought.

I'd been reading a really interesting thread on Give It To Me Raw about being addicted to cooked food. At the time I was eating all raw.. except for going out for hot chips, ohhh, 2 or 3 times a week.

*scratches head* What the hell was up with that?

Well, it turns out that potatoes (and wheat) have a similar effect on the brain to mild opiates - ie, they cause a slight distancing from your current concerns. At the time I had been feeling some heavy emotions coming up, and had been fearful of dealing with them (no, I hadn't thought about just tapping out the fear *slaps forehead*), so of course I was instinctively gravitating to potatoes in order to quell those emotions & keep myself 'safe'.

Keeping me safe, & making me feel good being the primary aim of all these sorts of automatic behaviours - it's just the "little us" inside, our minds, trying to protect us. The irony, of course, is that typically the behaviours actually worsen the situation, they just feel like they help.

So, once I tapped out using chips to numb myself, voila! Last cooked food addiction! I am now perfect & worthy of adoration, green smoothies all round!! (for the humour deprived, I'm joking.. oh, except for the smoothies, they rock, please, have one, you'll feel much better).

Ok, where was I? Oh yes, hot chips.

So, that was well and good. Back on the wagon I go, and sure enough, start feeling awesome again, bouncing around the room Russian cossack dancing to Billy Holiday and so on, as I am wont to do.

If there's one thing I've learned on this food journey, starting way back with that insane juice feast, it's that a lot (all?) of the time we crave or feel drawn to a specific food - and particularly those we've had a lot of in the past - it's not the food we're drawn to. It's the emotional feeling we attach to that food. Occasionally there are biochemical drivers, of course, but emotional attachment is definitely the major one.

Since the great hot chip realisation of 2008, I've had the chance to see this in detail with three more separate foods (the alert readers among you will already have a good idea what they are).

Bacon

pic by Bobby Stokes (note the opiate bread+hashbrowns too, always a bonus)

After a recent mild financial setback, I had a definite desire to go out for a cooked breakfast. Ok, no big deal, being raw (for me, at least) is about eating whatever-the-hell-you-want, but being conscious about why. That's what's important, not necessarily what I shove in my gob.

After a bit of thought, I realised - it wasn't the rest of the breakfast that mattered, it was really all about the bacon. Why? Well when I was growing up, we didn't have bacon very often - with 8 kids, that's a LOT of bacon, and it's pretty expensive stuff. So, at some level I associated bacon with wealth - it was my 'wealthy food', as it were. I'd eat it, and feel wealthy.

Like so many things, in hindsight, this is both amusing & kinda ridiculous.

Of course, breaking this connection was as simple as tapping it out (2mins, done). Now I'm still free to enjoy bacon, if I choose, but it won't be because of some illusory feeling I ascribe to the mythical powers of the fried pig!

Noodles

pic by サンドラ (These are the fancy ones, we only dreamt of these)

I've always enjoyed noodles, and even discovered a great little place here in Melbourne that makes their own noodles on the premises. It's super cool - you can actually watch the chef in the window swinging them around. I just love that kind of thing. Oh, plus it's super cheap - always an unexpected bonus with great food. Ironically I discovered this place only after I decided to seriously up my raw food intake. Hehe ewps.

Of course, I do realise that noodles are in the flour+water=glue-in-my-belly food group - not particularly easy to digest & will tend to make me sleepy as my body fights to digest it.

What's taken me much longer to realise is the emotional association I had with noodles. I didn't twig to this until I was in the supermarket downstairs watching a guy building a gargantuan stack of 25c packets of instant noodles.

This took me back in a flash to a time over a decade ago, living with my little brother Rob in a dilapidated place in the centre of a town described by the CEO of Glaxo Wellcome as "the arse end of the universe" (Glaxo was founded there). We were basically living off the cheapest of the cheap of the horrid little packets of two minute noodles at the time. We used to wait until there was a sale, then go and fill up an entire shopping trolley of the things at discounted prices.

Ahh, good times.

*cough*

Anyway, got rid of THAT connection. Still love my brother, can live without the deep fried flour+god knows what else.

Bagels

pic by sionfullana (no, my sister is not Asian, but I do like the size of that bagel)

Bagels were more interesting. I never ate them until my sister Ruth went to the Atlanta Olympics in 1996. She came back and raved to me about how good they were - even just eaten plain.

So of course there was the association. Hanging out with her, having bagels together. Definitely a positive connection there.

There was a little more to it though. When I was working in London, at a particularly productive time in my life, I used to have bagels for breakfast every morning - with an orange juice (see? health conscious!). So as well as the association with her, I'd also connected them with being productive. Since I love being productive, if I wanted to feel that way, I would have a bagel.

This sounds like lunacy, and in a way it is, but this is the way our minds work.

The result
So what does breaking these connections achieve? Well, several things:

1. Eating those foods won't pump my brain with endorphins or whatever-other-chemicals are created by the emotional connection I've made
2. I don't feel compelled to eat those foods when what I actually want is the emotional feeling
3. I'm still completely free to eat them, if I want, and enjoy them for what they are as foods - unclouded by anything else I've attached to them.

Stopping to look at it - what's more healthy? Missing my sister, and eating a bagel to remind me of good times hanging out together, or missing my sister & picking up the phone to tell her I love her?

If I really must, I can always eat a bagel while I call her - it won't be the first time she's heard me talking with my mouth full. That way she gets the love AND an earful of bagel - the perfect solution!

How To Get What You Want In Relationships (But Not What You Asked For)

I've been giving a lot of thought to how we attract people into our lives - who we end up in relationships with, and so on. This applies both to intimate relationships, and more importantly friendships (since we generally have far more & are less discriminating with friends than lovers)

It's pretty obvious (in hindsight) that while a bunch of factors determine our partners - very few of these are actually at the conscious level. You want a guy who treats you well, and yet somehow always end up with angry drunks? Huh?

Here are some of the reasons why this sort of thing happens:

Your Patterns
If you look back over all your relationships, what recurring themes can you see? I don't mean obvious things like age difference, or hair colour.

I mean things like - were you meeting damaged people & trying to fix them? Were you with people who supported you as much as you supported them, or was it all one sided? Did they respect you? Do you often find yourself in relationships with people that were selfish or self-centred? That have no money themselves but lots of ideas how to spend yours? People that are angry? Rude to waiters? Lazy?

The problem is - whether you're aware of these patterns or not, whatever it is inside you that is creating them will continue to create them - at least, until you heal the patterns or otherwise clear them out.

For example, I know that until very recently I've had a very deep need for approval (Thanks, great-great-great grandma! Fortunately this is sorted now). As such, I've regularly got in relationships with "broken" people - not bad people per se, just those with a lot of issues I could then help them with. As I help them, they're grateful, and voila, my need for approval is fulfilled.

Now, I saw this vividly in my very first relationship - with a suicidal bulemic - and swore I'd never do it again. At a conscious level, I chose to stay away from these situations, and yet - they continued to echo through my life regardless. Despite my best conscious attention, I've been involved with a violent alcoholic, an anorexic, sociopathic liars & many serious abuse victims. Most interestingly, none of these attributes were visible in the early stages of the relatonships. There was no way I would know until it was too late.

At some level, I was drawing these situations to myself, despite my best (conscious) intentions.

Their Patterns
There are two people in every relationship (well, ok, excluding polyamory), so it's worth remembering that any characteristics you have will attract people looking for those attributes.

Think about it this way - whatever you dislike most about yourself? There will be people who are drawn to that (for many reasons). You will be part of completing their deepest desires - even if it's a part of yourself you don't particularly want to be sharing with anyone.

Your Fears
One of the most maddening aspects of life is that you not only attract things that you desire, but also things you hate, or fear.

It breaks down like this - anything you place attention on - whether positive or negative - is drawn to you. Yeah yeah, law of attraction, etc etc.

So how does this pan out in relationships? Well, if you have (as I have for years) a fear of being used for your dosh? Sooner or later (or worse - very often) you're going to end up with someone who is mostly there for the bling. Have a deep fear of jealousy - you're going to end up with people who make you jealous. Trust me on this - like crazy. Afraid of being cheated on? Your partners will cheat on you. Afraid you might be a loser? You'll attract people who believe you really are.

And so it goes.

pic by McNeny

What To Do About All This
This could get frustratingly depressing very quickly. Hold your hankies though! There is, as always, good news!

The first is to be aware that you always have choice. With the exception of family, every single person in your life is there because you (at some point) chose them to be there. So, you can also choose for them not to be.

It's also important to realise that unless you're VERY careful (on an energetic level) every person you interact with will affect you, at some point. Your friends that you see all the time? They're going to have a huge, cumulative effect on your life. Your boyfriend gets angry at the traffic? You're going to end up road raging along with him.

So, it's worth thinking about who you want near you. It's an important decision, and needs to be made for every significant relationship you have (not just your intimate partners)

Secondly, once you figure out the worst of the patterns, merely being aware of them will help you avoid the most egregious examples. While I may have not have successfully avoided girls with eating disorders, that was the last time I spent time with anyone (friend or partner) who was aggressively suicidal. These are small but important steps that will still save you a world of hurt.

Thirdly, by seeing the patterns, you'll be able to track them back & heal them. There are tons of tools for doing this of course (heh, I feel like I'm always saying that - but I do keep discovering more of them every week).

Even just giving some thought to your most recent relationship - or your closest current friends, you'll be able to see definite patterns. If you were using EFT, for example, you could start with something really general like "Even though I attract people that don't respect me..". Something non-specific like that probably won't clear the problem out completely, but it will definitely give you enough traction to really find out what's going on, & then kick that junk to the curb.

pic by Mark_2000

The greatest thing is this - if you're, say, 30 now, you may live another 100 years (yes, the typical life expectancy for 30 year olds today is 125-150 years).

So, how many friends will you have in the next 100 years? If you make 5 new friends a year, that's 500 friends. If you have one new partner every 5 years, that's another 20 intimate relationships. So, even just clearing out one negative pattern will mean you straight away get 500 better friends & 20 better partners. How awesome is that? (answer: unbelievably!)

And if you really get into it? Why, the sky's the limit! Awesome relationships all round, on the double!!

The Healing Power Of Music

When I was in my early teens, my mother 'encouraged' me to do three things - take up an instrument (guitar), learn a language (French), & do gymnastics. I pretty much sucked at all three of them.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about doing some chanting (in Sanskrit) - the thought of which freaked me the hell out. Ok, so what the heck is up with that? Of course - this hits two of the three - languages & music. Pretty obviously this was teenage rebellion at "being forced" to do something - I was thus insisting on being right, & on proving Mum wrong.

In some kind of synchronicity, I've also had this song brought to my attention - "Fall At Your Feet" - by Crowded House:

The lyrics of which are:

I'm really close tonight
And I feel like I'm moving inside her
Lying in the dark
And I think that I'm beginning to know her
Let it go
I'll be there when you call

And whenever I fall at your feet
You let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

You're hiding from me now
There's something in the way that youre talking
Words don't sound right
But I hear them all moving inside you, go
I'll be waiting when you call

Hey and whenever I fall at your feet
Won't you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead
I fall

Whenever I fall at your feet
Would you let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I fall, ever I fall

(courtesy of lyricsfreak)

I start listening to this song this morning, and immediately felt stuff start to lift off me. Singing along with it only amplified the effect. I ended up singing this for the best part of two hours, tears streaming down my face as long buried memories surfaced & layer after layer of rubbish cleared away. As I sang or struggled with certain phrases completely different things would lift off. I also instinctively began by singing in a much higher (ie, adolescent) register - then, as the healing progressed, my voice dropped significantly. My vocal cords hurt - they'd never been used at that pitch before.

Here's what singing this song lifted off me:

• "Finger of blame" - that it was time to accept learning
• "Let it go" - it was ok for Mum to be right
• I kept forgetting the lyric - which echoed French vocab - & was accompanised by a definite visual of my 13 year old school hall
• "Want my presence of need my help" - obstinance
• "Something in the way that you're talking" - French vocab tests
• Any time I lost the tune - took me back to 14 year old music & not being able to remember any guitar at all
• Some obvious residual breakup stuff
• I was continually starting singing too early - much like business ventures I've started that have been a decade (or more) ahead of their time
• When singing in the higher register, I couldn't hold "I fall" for the entire length - realising that when I am now is where I am supposed to be
• I was much more comfortable in a higher register - the belief that things have to be comfortable, familiar, to be safe
• Still struggling to find the right notes - & the right place in my life
• The subtle words kept tripping me up - echoing accents/graves, etc in French
• The 2nd verse got rid of some residual anger at having things hidden from me (despite my fully knowing)
• "Let it go" - much trickier in the lower register - fear that it was harder to do things this way, easier/safer the old way
• Was still struggling to remember the most basic words

At this point I started singing the song without listening to the music or reading the lyrics

• Still can't get it right - hit my residual perfectionism
• At the higher register - I was warbling a bit - not as good as I thought I might be
• Kept saying "you" instead of "her" - afraid to get close
• Kept screwing up verb tenses - just like French
• Kept saying "happy" instead of "willing" - I wasn't happy, & wasn't willing to be happy
• "whenever I touch your slow turning pain" - that I was addicted to other's pain
• Kept saying "moving" not "turning" - also addicted to helping them with their pain
• Kept saying "know" not "go" - knowledge being more important to me than action
• Kept saying "touch" not "fall at your feet" - that I'm desperate for touch, having spent a long time with minimal human closeness
• Still singing flat - just like music class when I was unable to tell notes apart
• Timing was all screwed up - just like when I've been trading
• "Whenever I touch" - that my addictive personality - I can't get high without assistance (via food, chemicals, whatever)
• I really struggled with "let it go". hehe.
• "I fall at your feet" - I kept warbling "your" - because I had a problem with what others have that I don't
• Got a complete mental block at "I'm more than willing", thought it was "more than ready" - realised I wasn't "more than ready" for anything

Needless to say I drank a TON of water & went through a LOT of tissues through this process.

I've seen & used a lot of healing techniques, but this absolutely blew me away in terms of how much it cleared. Amusingly, I'm sure this comes as no surprise to the musicians out there.

Ok, so now let's dissect the frog (ie, examine in ridiculous detail an otherwise beautiful thing).

Here's what I like, lyrically, about this track:

1. The subtle tense changes showing the emotional growth of the relationship - first "I'll be there" when she calls, then "I'll be waiting" - you can feel him hanging on more as he gets more involved. In the chorus, first it's "You let your tears rain down on me", then "won't you.." - begging, then finally resignedly pleading "would you.."
2. The growth of the relationship: from early sex "Think I'm beginning to know her", the development of behaviour patterns, sympathy from her as he falls at her feet; to her hiding something, pulling away; then, finally, his desperation and pain.
3. The subtlety of the final line - the implication of aloneness - he falls, but there's no-one there to pick him up "whenever I fall, ever I fall" - so he stays fallen forever.
4. The tie in - first he's moving inside her, then, when she's pulling away, he can hear the (wrong sounding) words moving inside her - as she's avoiding subjects, wheedling around the (obvious) truth - since he's already picked up that there's something in the way that she's talking.
5. The subtle transition from - thinking that he's knowing her, but telling himself to relax & just enjoy the moment "let it go" - to hearing that she's lying, "words all moving inside you" & breaking up with her - the imperative "go".
6. The transition early on from singing about her, to singing to her.

Oh, & here's a version I just recorded of myself singing this. It was all done from memory (no lyrics in front of me), and acapella (since I don't have any instruments here). For comparison, I estimated once that I've listened to my all time favourite song, "One" by U2 probably around 1500 times. Last time I checked, I still had no idea what the entire lyrics were. Oh, and this is both the first time I've sung in public, the first time I've recorded myself, and it was done in one take, with no edits. Fall At Your Feet

Are You In Love With Your Pain?

A couple of years ago, when I first discovered EFT, it changed my life so much, so quickly, I immediately went around telling everyone I knew about it (Yes yes, I realise now how dopey & threatening this kind of behaviour is, I was just super excited)

I remember one conversation particularly vividly. Telling a friend with dyslexia that she could get rid of it, if she wanted.

Know what happened? She got angry. Yes, angry. Surprised the hell out of me.

"Huh!" I remember thinking, "I guess being dyslexic is just really important to her."

Now here's the funny part of the story. Remember that old saying "We hate most in others what we despise in ourselves?".

I was watching this incredibly informative video by Rozalind Gruben this morning, on Social & Emotional Aspects of Eating (45 mins in 5 chunks, but definitely worth finding time for). She talks about the abandonment & disapproval that we experience as children - as part of the way we're culturally raised. About how we start to see ourselves as flawed, & identify with what we're told by the people around us.

.. and then it hit me

.

I've spent my life - or at least, as much of it as I can remember - defining myself by my pain. My struggle. My misery. (Note the use of 'My' - a good sign it's my ego talking)

Ironically, my spiritual journey has been all about struggling to free myself from this self-imposed identity - that I'm miserable, in pain & suffering. Although I have been moving towards less struggle, less misery & less pain, it's been damn hard work.

Yes, I'm laughing as I write this. It's all so obvious now!

And yes, it's been a struggle. Every key area of my life has been difficult.

Well this is simply because I've wanted it this way. I've been in love with it. It's been a part of who I am. Yes, my decision. Maybe not consciously, but still, my choice.

The wonderful thing is that even just realising this has enabled me to change it. I was doing some tapping (EFT) this morning, and everytime I went to tap on something, part of my brain just went "Peh, ok, that's gone." - before I could even get started.

That struggle, that pain, doesn't have to be part of who I am any more. I chose it for years, but, well, now I choose differently.

Do We Ever Really Do Anything New?

Or is it all just patterns, repeating over and over?

As you may be aware, I recently went through a breakup. As I've been processing this, I've started to see, very clearly, how little of what happened with the ex was actually about her.

I saw:

• Patterns where she behaved identically to several different earlier relationships (in different ways) - Of course, this is me drawing this into my life so I can learn, it's really nothing to do with her specifically at all.
• Two different patterns from my father to me (ie, I was repeating his patterning with me, with her)

Now, thankfully, I can go in (with EFT, or whatever) and stop those patterns - by going back to the earliest one I can think of, and then working forward through the recurrences, healing each one. This is, unsurprisingly, what I've done.

However, combined with recent realisations on ancestors and how those patterns are passed down, I have to wonder - how many of these patterns are actually mine? Are they ALL just passed down from previous generations (or perhaps previous lives)? Am I living anything new at all?

I mean, sure, I could eat toast with peanut butter & vegemite. Never done that before (Actually, I lie. As a kid I ate a lot of weird stuff with peanut butter).

But in terms of emotional interactions. Negative events in my life. All these things seem to be just massive loops.

I guess this is what the ancients talked about in terms of unwinding karma. You'll keep repeating everything that has come before until you learn the lessons required, or heal the events away.

The other thing to watch that is very interesting is that as those patterns are healed, you can visibly see those people who might cause that kind of pain in your life naturally being pushed away from you. Very organic, very "coincidental", very "well, it just happened". Once the patterning is healed the associated pain does in a very real sense simply stop recurring in your life. And yes, this is exactly why I broke up with my ex. Even more interesting is seeing how different the new people that come into your life now become. It is immediately obvious that they simply aren't built to create those sorts of negative events (although, of course, they're quite capable of creating any unresolved pain patterns).

Highly amusingly, if you're aggressively sorting through things (as I have been), you can watch this happen in realtime. Meet someone on Monday, event occurs on Wednesday, realise pattern & heal it Wednesday night, and they're gone (along with any recurrence of that pattern, ever) on Thursday.

If all this is true, then theoretically at least, I should have kids, so they can benefit from this - ie, by passing less junk down the ancestral tree. Maybe just for now I'll have some theoretical kids instead.

Healing Your Dreamtime

Australian Aboriginals have a concept they call "Dreamtime" (or, more accurately "The Dreaming"). Very loosely speaking, this is the infinite spiritual cycle that parallels our reality, influencing & creating it. It created the world we live in, and continues to live on, in the present & the future.

Now, what's even more interesting is the reversal they have from how we view reality. In the west we believe that our waking life is our "real" (ie, objective) reality, whereas our dreaming life is only subjective. Aboriginals believe it's the other way around. The Dreaming is what's objective, and this experience we're living in is only the subjective reflection of that.

A mural thought used to teach Aboriginal children about dreamtime. Pic by Damian White

Of course, there's an enormous difference between the beliefs of the oldest living culture on the planet & us as individuals, however, let's push ahead regardless & see what we can find. Here's a dream I had yesterday:

I'm hanging out with friends, in a movie theatre. Before the show starts there's a comedian, a magician. He's giving out CDs. He gives them to the row in front, then when he gets to my row, he does a sleight-of-hand trick to not-give them to me, and my friends. He then continues with the row behind, giving them out, and across the aisle. Then I notice they're MY CD's he's giving out. A friend comes back to sit down, and her face is covered in some kind of drug or other (I have no idea). She has so much that she doesn't care she's covered in it. Then we all go out driving.

So we end up out in the country. I muck about a bit, then end up on the phone with a good friend of mine from London. She's complaining that I'm not working. There are spiders & very bizarre, but large, insects all over the floor. Another call comes in. It's my Mum, & she wants to talk to my brother. They talk, then Mum hangs up, which somehow cuts me off from my friend. I ask my brother about it, but he doesn't really know what's going on.

Just for the hell of it, let's segue out of that, and pretend we didn't see all the bolded bits.

Now, let's also pretend, for the sake of the discussion, that there is some relationship between our dreaming life & our waking life.

There are many obvious pointers to this being true, of course. Our dreams often include people we know (friends, family), situations in our awareness while waking (stress at work, relationship problems, etc), and the visual metaphors commonly used have been interpreted for thousands of years to find satisfactorily explanatory parallels in our waking life.

It's a fairly common, although recent, psychological understanding that dreams are our brain's way of "unwinding". Chaotic signals occur in various bits of the brain, which is then interpreted into the images that we "see". Loosely translated, it's our brain "talking to us" using pictures.

Ok, so we accept that our dreaming life is (in whatever way) a reflection of our waking lives. Now what?

Well, if dreams are our brain's way of talking to us, why not use them to talk back?

Why not use that dreamtime to really, genuinely, just like the Aboriginals believe, affect our waking experience?

So, you know, I've been doing this.

Whenever I wake from a particularly vivid dream, I immediately heal (I use tapping & a few other things, but anything would do the trick) on anything that I felt strong emotion about. Doesn't matter what the emotion is. Doesn't matter how ludicrous the imagery. I don't interpret anything. I'm talking back to my brain (maybe), or healing the dreamtime (maybe), but either way, I use exactly the imagery that's been provided to me.

I deliberately pretend that whatever I've dreamt is real. I relive it, feel it, as strongly as I can, and heal while doing so.

So, in the above dream, all the bits in bold had strong emotions (some identifiable, some not) attached, so I healed on them. Pretty obviously, there's feeling of deprivation, loss, self-recrimination, and so on - and, of course, similarly obvious parallels with those emotions in my own waking life.

Much less obviously, all the bits that are bold cleared things. A lot of them. I still really have no idea what was healed, but it was definitely many, many things. Much of it lead spontaneously to much deeper issues I wasn't aware of. More interestingly, all of it was surprising. I wasn't aware that I was even thinking about any of this while I was awake.

Now that I've healed I can definitely see, in hindsight, those thoughts & feelings I was having that I no longer am, that directly relate to things I healed on. Plus, of course, there's a bunch of other stuff that I know has gone that I simply can't put into words.

I healed my dreamtime, and my waking life has changed, noticeably, significantly.

I still haven't answered the question, "Which is more real, dreamtime or waking life?" or even "Which is the objective, which the subjective?" Maybe I never will, but one thing I know for sure, those Aboriginals are definitely onto something. Even better, we don't have to know or even care which is which to use it as a tool to significantly improve our lives, both dreaming and waking.

I'll tell you something else for free. Every single time I've healed a dream's imagery, that dream has never come back.

You Are Responsible For Your Parents (.. And Their Parents..)

Who cares who's right about Nature vs Nurture? The bottom line is - our parents affect us.

Genetically, it's pretty obvious. Your parents are tall? You play basketball. They're black? It's a pretty safe bet (although not 100%, amusingly enough) that you are too, and so on.

Emotionally (or environmentally/sociologically), it's a little more complex.

And, if you stop to think about it - given that your parents also pass on genetic proclivities to our brains - intelligence, disposition, behaviours, and so on, it's a complicated mess we have to try and unravel.

After all, who really is in control of our lives? Us, or them?

But wait, there's more. Where did they get their lives from? Well, their parents, of course, and so on back up the tree.

So, in summary: Our lives are (at least initially) a result of our ancestors.

Do we want to take back control? Do we want to make choices, and not just be driven by this history? Do we actually want complete free will to lead the life we want to?

Well, if so, we're going to have to take responsibility. A lot of it.

Not just for ourselves, but also for our parents. Not for their lives (after all, that's their job), but for the influence they've had, and continue to have, on us.

image by M Bowman

One of the things that has become abundantly clear to me is how often issues I'm trying to heal in myself really aren't mine. I've learned them, or had them passed on, from one or other (or both) of my parents (and back in time to them).

Now, sure, you can heal everything that's happened in your life - but a lot of times it ends up like that old tale of heroically fishing bodies out of a river - what you really need to do is go upstream & find who's throwing them in.

I'll give you an example.

One thing I've worked on a bit is a definite need for approval. Particularly from the women in my life. This has been noticeable, and, on occasion, actually driven women I've cared about away. *ouch* Now, I took this to be because when I was growing up, I never felt like my mother loved me - the important point here being, how I felt, not how she actually behaved or whether she did or not. Once I had healed, I was able to see that of course she loved me - or, as she put it when I talked to her about it later "Are you crazy? You're my first born son!!"

However, this need for approval, while lessened, hadn't completely disappeared. Hmm, interesting. What to do, what to do?

Then, this week, I heard a very interesting story. My grandmother's mother (on my Mum's side), well, her mother was very young when she had her, so she was raised by her grandmother, not her mother. Keeping up? My great-grandmother was raised by my great-great-great-grandmother. Yep, it's a pretty great story alright. Ha ha, I'm here all week, try the veal.

Imagine that though. The girl you think is your sister is actually your mother. The woman you think is your mother is actually your grandmother. Hmm. Would you ever actually truly know a mother's love? Would you feel like something was missing from your life? I tell you, that's crazy.

Of course, I heard this, a big lightbulb went off in my head, and I immediately went and healed on this. How? As if I was my great-grandmother. Why? Because part of me is. Genetically, big duh there. But more than that. I believe energetically a lot of stuff is passed down. But whether you believe that or not, it's hard to argue against habits & beliefs being passed down from mother to daughter after a significant life event like that.

I've chosen to do similar things with every significant event I've heard about - from my parents & back up the tree. I'm not healing them specifically, what I am doing is healing their effect over me. I'm regaining control over my life. I'm removing the echoes from older generations, and replacing them with conscious choices about exactly the life I choose to live.

If or when I have kids, I'd be pleased if they did exactly the same thing about me - although yes, I'm aware of both the likelihood of rebellion, and the recursive irony of such a desire - I want them to choose to make the same choice I did to make their own choices to.. uhh.. oh forget it!

Regardless, the bottom line is this: If we truly want 100% freedom within our lives, it's necessary to not only consider our immediate history, but that of our parents and ancestors too.

How To Kick A Bad Habit In 2 Minutes

So here's a quick trick I learned recently.

It's using Neuro Linguistic Programming. But don't worry about that, it's super simple.

I was shown this in terms of breaking bad shopping habits, but I figured, since I'm trying out a couple of weeks of 100% raw, why not use it on food places around town that I've developed emotional affection for, but that aren't necessarily the healthiest for me, if-you-know-what-I-mean.

So, here's the drill:

1. Think of the habit you're trying to kick. Get really excited about it. As you do, squeeze your left thumb & fore finger together.
2. Repeat 1 with as many similar habits as you can. Eg, I just went around all the food places I wanted to stop lusting after. Do this until simply squeezing your fingers together brings up the desire.
3. Now, think of something you would never buy, no matter what. Something that fills you with utter disgust. The more outraged and digusted you are the better.
4. Make this disgusting image as big as possible in your mind, so it completely overwhelms you (yeah, puke! puke!). Then, as it maxes out, squeeze your left thumb & forefinger together tightly.

Do this process as many times as you like, until the very thought of the things you craved before leaves you with a feeling of discomfort.

Total time it took me? Oh, about 2 minutes. So far, in the three days since I did this, I haven't had a single positive thought towards any of these places. In fact, I find it difficult to even think about them. My brain just isn't interested.

Nifty!

Breaking Up Is So... Easy To Do?

I've just broken up from a two & a bit year relationship.

Normally these things are incredibly painful. This time was very different though, so I'd like to talk about it a little.

I've had a few serious relationships in this life, so I've got a pretty good handle on how these things generally go for me:

• Three to six months of random unprovoked crying & misery
• Lots of various forms of self destructive behaviour (alcohol, mostly)
• Depression & general feelings of worthlessness, loneliness

This time though, ohhhh, completely different.

Very little pain, almost no tears, no depression, no self-destruction (unless you count a couple of cups of coffee). Aloneness, obviously, but no loneliness.

What's changed? Well, here's what I did (and continue to do):

• Every time I've thought about my ex, I've released on the thought
• Every time emotions (even ones I can't specifically pinpoint) have become overwhelming, I've tapped them out.

I admit this is, uhh, a little aggressive, but there are two ways you can do any breakup - short & sharp, or long & drawn out. I choose the former.

I've talked about releasing before (here), but to recap: I imagine the thought or feeling inside me, then just let it go. I imagine it floating up out of me. This is something I got to practice a lot with the juice feast I was on since it's also super useful for food cravings. In terms of repetitive thought patterns, this kills them dead. A lot of the time there would be a sudden rush of emotion, some very brief (5-10 seconds of) crying, and then gone. It's the hanging on to pain that amplifies it, with this it disappears before it can grow into something worse.

In terms of the tapping (EFT - lots more on my site there), a lot of times I didn't even tap on anything specific - I just tapped while letting my mind churn away. This just helped even out my energy field (and hence emotions), and calm everything the hell down.

After all, where does most of the pain of a breakup come from?

1. Emotional trauma (from things said & done)
2. Negative memories
3. Self-inflicted repetitive thought patterns (obsessing over the past)

If you get rid of those, what's left?

Well, the acid test, as always, is how things are when you next see the ex. And the proof? I spent a day with her this week, and the only negative thing that occurred was me saying a few stupid nasty things, from a habit I had left over of wanting those who've caused me pain to suffer. Once I realised what was happening I tapped it the hell out, but really, that was it. And, unsurprisingly, once I'd tapped out the habit, it disappeared instantly & everything was fine between us. Yes, I explained & apologised, of course.

And the rest of the day? I was calm as a hindu cow. Inside & out. No negative thoughts, no negative emotions, nothing. After she'd left, I cried for half an hour - realising I was going to miss her, but some tapping & just releasing all the emotion that came up, and I felt great again.

Now, to be fair, there are a couple of situations I can think of that I'm not sure how I would deal with yet:

1. Finding out that I'd been lied to about something serious, for example, that she'd slept with someone else while we were involved (or very shortly after)
2. When she gets involved with someone new

But really, I suspect these will involve maybe five minutes of tapping each, and they'll be gone too. So, frankly, if they are going to happen, the sooner the better.

What's a good litmus test going forward? We've been broken up for a week or two now, and I only think about her maybe 20-30 times a day - this is with continued contact. Given how closely involved we were (24 hours a day for 2 years - living & working together), I probably would have thought about her at least every 5 minutes - particularly once you include the many fleeting thoughts that spin through our minds (how often do you think aboutt someone while you're talking to them?) .. So once every half an hour or so (if that) is a huge step forward.

I'll continue releasing & healing. I'm damn sure things will drop away to nothing, or near nothing, very, very quickly.

Now, this doesn't mean I'm ready to jump back on the horse (uhh, so to speak) just yet. It is still important for me to re-ground, re-centre & get comfortable with who I am as an individual again. However, in terms of speedy & painless resolutions, this has surprised the hell out of me.

I don't want to hide from the world. I feel calm & positive about myself, my future.. and my ex. It's far better than I ever could have imagined. It's a whole new way of being.

I'm a Recovering Struggle-a-holic.. Are You?

I was thinking things over last night, and had one of those "once in a lifetime realisations":

I'm addicted to struggling. I like to struggle. I want to struggle.

pic by Ahmad Kavousian

I want things to be difficult, to have to tough things out.

Now, I suspect this comes from a combination of "anything worthwhile takes effort" & the feeling of accomplishment that comes from overcoming ridiculous odds.

But really, who cares why? The important thing is to get it the hell out of my life.

And, mostly, I've done that, using a combination of releasing & EFT. There's still some residual stuff there, but it's much lighter. How do I know there's some left? When I went to the bank today it took 45 minutes & 3 different tellers for what is usually a 10 minute exercise. That's struggling.

Realising that this has been such a deep belief of mine has put everything in my life into extreme focus. So many of the difficulties, the pain, the hardship. I realise now the vast majority (if not all) of them were self created. Fortunately, they don't have to be. I decide what I believe, so I can change that.

Really interestingly, today I saw for the first time, all these situations where I'm making things harder for myself. Instinctive choices I'm about to make that wind things up instead of down, make things harder instead of easier. The beauty is as I make those different choices, I can, finally, see things smoothing out before me.

So ask yourself. Is your life as smooth as it could be? Maybe?

To get to the point where I was able to admit this to myself has taken a couple of years - again, that's me struggling. For you? I hope the answer comes much quicker, and is a resounding "Hell No!"

The "I Love You" Game

We really are our own worst enemy.

The little voice inside our head, criticising, judging, constantly questioning.

So what to do about it? Well, there are many ways - meditating, becoming more present, sedona, eft, you name it.

Here's a fun way that I've discovered helps build self-acceptance, and lessen that voice.

I did this while walking about town, so it's not the kind of thing that you need to be super-attentive to, or block out time to do.

Now, normally when this little voice starts up - our instinct is to supress it. Ignore it. Now try doing the exact opposite. Call it up. See what it has to say.

So, if it comes up with "You're lazy"? That's great! Just sing back to it "I love you, lazy [whatever-your-name-is]" - and mean it!

I use a silly sing-song voice when I do it - it just keeps things light, stops me getting too serious about it all.

Then, just keep telling that part of you that you love it until it stops telling you this thing. Next, see what other little voices have nasty things to say. Once you open the floodgates, you'll find there's a ton there, but by giving them unconditional love, you dissolve them. You regain your power, and you see them for what they truly are, not these big fearful truths at all, but just your tiny ego, trying to get attention in any way it can.

pic by misssmile

It sounds crazy, but once you get into it, it's actually a whole lot of fun, and the relief that comes is.. indescribable.

It really is true what they say "Love kills the demon".

Are You Allowed To Be Happy?

I realised something yesterday.

I'm not allowed to be happy.

Now, since I'm the one creating my life, what this actually translates to is I'm not allowing myself to be happy.

What the... ? How did that happen?!?

A lot of it is upbringing - we're taught things, for better or worse. Don't do this, make sure you do that...

Some things we may rebel against (sex, drinking,..) and with that rebellion comes a certain illicit enjoyment.

Others we may not, and so crossing those lines brings guilt, regret, anguish.

On top of that, I know I've set up conditions for myself. I can't be happy if... (I'm too lazy, too poor, single...)

Well! It's hardly surprising I wasn't happy. If I'm waiting for my life to be perfect - and, while we're on the subject, what IS perfection anyway? Meeting some entirely arbitrary list of criteria? Most of which I was barely conscious I was even creating? Well, that's not going to happen in a hurry, now is it?

So, first order of the day:

Find these conditions and dump them!

pic by LightSpectral

Ok, so how to do that? Try finding a quiet spot, and letting your mind automatically fill the end of these sentences. Just start saying them with the expectation that something will fall out, and see what comes up. You may be very surprised (I know I was)!

I can't be happy because...
I can't be happy until..
I'm not allowed to be happy because..
It's only right I should suffer because..
I should be unhappy because..
I'm sad because..
I won't be happy unless..

You get the idea. Whatever comes up - clear it out - in whatever way works for you. Personally, I use releasing (sedona method), eft, and a bunch of other energy techniques.. but that's just what I've found works best for me. You find what works for you - realising you have these ingrained belief systems is the first, but hardest step.

And you know? It's a strange thing, but even in the last day or so I'd say I feel 40-50% lighter. Clearer. Calmer, and yes, much, much happier.

The important thing to realise is this: We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. Not anyone else. Not our partners, our bosses, our family. You may have no control whatsoever over your immediate surroundings, but you are the only person who has the say in how you react to what happens around you. You decide how much you're going to let things affect you or not.

The great news is, even if your life seems utterly miserable, you can change yourself, and thus your happiness.. and I guarantee you, as your attitude changes, all those little things around you that have been bothering you for so long will almost magically change as well.

Gall Bladder Cleanse - Don't Do What I Did

[If you're squeamish, don't read this]

I'd been reading a bit about gall bladder cleanses on Give It To Me Raw, and thought "Hey, why not give that a go?"

So I did.

mMMmm nummy! No, mine doesn't look like this (I'd be in extreme pain if it did).

I did a bunch of research, read about 20 different ways to do it, and figured out what would work for me, and went ahead and got stuck in.

Most of the suggestions involve drinking olive oil + lemon (or grapefruit) juice in the evening, lying on your right hand side with your right knee up, for half an hour, then going to sleep.

So, here's what not to do:

1. Don't figure "Why wait till evening? I'll start now!" (2pm in the afternoon). Otherwise you'll be up all night, uhh, running back & forth. This is not as much fun as it sounds.
2. Also, there's a good chance you'll spend the rest of the day burping olive oil. This is REALLY gross. If you're asleep, of course, you won't notice.
3. Generally the idea is not to eat all day, then drink the gunk in the evening. I've been having psyllium shakes (couple of teaspoons psyllium husk shaken up in water) early in the morning. To me, that's liquid, so no problem, right? Ahh, my body thinks otherwise. Apparently this is a solid. Big problem. Blocks you up inside, so the gall stones can't flush out as easily. I spent most of the rest of the day feeling pretty ill. I have a sneaking suspicion this also lead to me throwing up, later in the piece.
4. I'm a curious guy, but still not curious enough to sift through my "produce". So leaving the light on is a good idea, because otherwise it's going to be pitch black when you go rushing in there & you'll never get to see the results of all your glorious efforts. Once you're sitting, there's no way in hell you're getting up again. And once you've finished, there's no way in hell you're leaving that evil stuff lying around even long enough to get to the light & back.

And here's what did kind of work:

1. I had 2 cups (500ml) of olive oil with 2 cups of lemon juice & the juice of a grapefruit. All things considered, that didn't taste too bad (although I did skull it down). I think the grapefruit really softened the taste.
2. Taking tiny licks of honey in between gulping sessions helped too. I managed to get the entire litre (quart) all down in about 5 minutes.
3. Gargling with mouthwash was the only thing I found that reliably took the olive oil burps away (I tried apple, pineapple juice, water).

Annnnd, some other notes, that you probably don't want to know.

1. Plan on being very busy. I lost count after 14 visits, oh, and threw up three times (I think about the 13th visit). Interestingly, I didn't throw up any oil (I would have tasted it), just the pineapple juice & water I'd taken several hours after the oil, to try and rehydrate a bit and take the olive oil taste away.
2. The next morning my skin really smelt. Not like I've ever smelt it before, and very unusual. Definite "uh oh, time for a shower" stuff. I'd guess I was detoxing stuff out through my pores too.
3. As mentioned above, I kept forgetting to switch the light on, so didn't really get to have a quick look & see how it went in terms of stones, but once most of the action was gone & things had calmed down a bit I did remember to switch it on, and the next couple of visits saw many things like that looked exactly the size, colour & shape of peas, floating in the bowl.
4. The first couple of visits were pretty unusual, and definitely felt like I was clearing some large bulbous things. No way in hell was I gonna go looking for them though!!

All in all, pretty much like giving birth to a litter of alien face-huggers.

So, for all the excitement, it looks like I did successfully clear SOMETHING(S) out of my system. Some people mention feeling incredible soon after. I must say I just feel worn out. Ahh, I don't think I'll be doing it again in any hurry though *cough*. Heh. Just... No.

Recovering from a Juice Feast

First of all - a disclaimer. I ain't a juice feastin' expert. I can only talk about my own experience.

And so I shall!

Ok, some background - why did I do a juice feast in the first place? Spiritual clarity, essentially. In the process of weeding my emotional garden, I knew that the lighter my food intake, the more detoxing I'd do, the more things would come up, and the more I could heal. Did juice feasting help with this? Definitely.

Yes, I drank this much green juice.

Now, what did I do? I juice feasted - which means drinking at least 4L (4qt) of mainly vegetable juice, every day. I did this for 30 something days. After that, I went straight into a water fast (hey! why not? In for a penny, in for a pound!).

While I was doing the juice feast, I had colonics every week (more on those later) - which helped enormously, btw. Did I manage to just drink juice the entire time? No, I "screwed up" on several occasions. Oh, I also drank psyllium & bentonite shakes several times daily for most of that time. Theoretically that should have helped clean me out. Did I notice anything? Not that I could tell. Between the shakes and sporadic eating, I suspect my digestive system never really got to the super calm, clear state that people talk about - but in terms of healing, ahhh, hehe, yeah, it was plenty intense enough, thankyouverymuch.

So, what have I learned coming off the feast?

1. It's VERY easy to overeat.
Even though I'm not 100% my digestive system ever completely switched off, I find pretty much every time I eat that my stomach is hurting afterwards. I never ate much to start with, but I think I'm going to have to start making half portions - ie, about half the size of a child's meal.

2. It's VERY easy to underdrink.
Normally I drink 4-5L (4-5qt) of water a day. I have a big glass, and I just sip it throughout the day. When juicing, I'd drink maybe 2L of water a day, but 4L of juice. Take the juice away, and it's been hard to remind myself to start upping the water again. This has, of course, messed up my ability to digest food (I've been more clogged up than I would be on water).

3. The "6 day feast breaking" is wayyyyy too short.
I've been off for two weeks now, and my body is still freaking out every time I eat anything. It's not over after 6 days, that's just the beginning of the adjustment.

4. You're going to be drinking juice for much longer than time+6 days.
When I finished, I was all with the "Thank God!! I am SO sick of juice!!". Ahhh, famous last words. It's not just the feast breaking time, but also with a shrunken stomach, so reduced food intake, where will your nutrients come from? Juicing is still the easiest way to get them - without messing up your system. Psychologically this has been realllly tough for me to realise & accept. Must. Keep. Juicing.

5. Hard food is bad.
Even two weeks later, I can feel that my body is not ready for hard to digest food. Eg, I'll juice celery, but I haven't put it in my salads yet. I'll blend (small amounts of soft) nuts, but not eat them raw, and so on.

6. Your tastes will change, drastically.
I just threw out all the toxic stuff in my house. I had a mouthful of something that had stabilizers, emulsifiers etc and instantly felt ill. Now I'm someone with a concrete stomach lining, so this is pretty unusual. Also, things that I used to like are just too sweet for me now. Kale, I can't get enough of (never used to be able to stand it). Wuhhh.. what just happened?

7. The healing hasn't stopped.
Several issues *cough*likethisone*cough* have continued to bubble up as I've been transitioning. I figured everything would just halt, but noooo, still more to go, food-in-my-belly or not

8. Pace yourself!
All those things you've been missing while on the juice? Ahhh, pace yourself. Think, as Kristen points out in terms of a couple of different things a week. Don't do what I did, which was have all those things I'd missed in one day. *OW*. Yeah, it's stupid, I figured that (eventually). I like to learn experientially. Thanks though.

All that said, it's great to be back eating again. I've missed textures. I've missed subtle combinations of flavours (instead of everything-blurred-together-soup). Oh, and I've missed body fat. Holy crap I need some - it's winter here!! What was I thinking?

Food is not Love - but Love is food

Going on a 30 something day juice feast totally kicked my ass.

I admit it. I was miserable pretty much the entire time.

Worse though was afterwards. I decided to finish by going from juice onto a 4 day water fast (which was easier, oddly). That was ok. However, once the transition back to normal food was done (the usual 6+ day gradual dietary speedup), things have gone completely bonkers.

I've eaten more junk than I have in years. Today alone I had four meals, and another meal's worth of snacking. I've eaten until my stomach hurts, and then kept eating (and been doing this for days). To give this a little perspective, I normally eat only one or two small meals a day. I have a fast metabolism, but don't need much food to keep me going.

And this whole time, I've been trying to figure out what's going on. I've thrown all my usual healing tools (EFT, reiki, releasing, etc) at it, to no avail.

The fasting was tough, true. Having my partner out of town on business for the last two months hasn't been easy either (particularly since the previous two years we spent pretty much 24/7 together). But still, this was insane!

What the hell has been happening?

Well, I think I just found out. The inimitable Dhrumil pointed me to a quote from Mama S, of Give It To Me Raw:

Food is not Love

You know what? I read that and immediately burst out crying. I didn't stop for five minutes. In fact, I think I cried more & deeper than the whole time I was fasting - and considering what a wreck I was most of the time, that's saying something. I released/healed a ton of stuff while I was crying, and now? Well, it's odd, but the urge to eat seems to have disappeared.

A lot more things make sense too.

I grew up in a large, not particularly well off family. Mum didn't necessarily have as much time to spend with each of us as if we'd had a smaller family, & we may not have been able to keep up with the Jones (literally, they had a really nice car & a great computer), but we always ate well. It was one key way that Mum expressed her love for us, through food.

I think, at some level, I picked up on that, and solidified it as a core internal belief. A connection.

It maybe also explains why the juicing was so hard for me - if I was denying myself solid food - but interpreting that as denying myself love? Yowser!

and yet, oddly, the reverse IS true:

Love is Food

Love is the deepest nourishment of all. All beings instinctively crave it, from the second they're born. And what is love anyway, but energy? So why the appeal of raw food? It has more energy, more love. At some level, whether we're aware of it or not, our bodies know this, we feel it. The closer the food is to living, the closer it is to loving. It really is that simple.

Or at least, having cried my lungs out half the evening, that's how I feel about it right now.. And that sure beats eating myself into pain.