Well, actually it never sucks, but that’s a whole other story.
Sometimes it feels like life just sucks.
Everything seems to be going wrong. We’re in a terrible mood. We ate some bad clams & the neighbour just ran over our poodle.
In these situations, despite everything we know (in our brains), it can be super hard to even motivate ourselves to do the simple things that will help. Meditate, EFT, go for a run, you name it.
So, here’s a simple trick I learned. Enough to kick you out of a slump & get you calm enough to bring your other tools into play.
Just say “I love myself for hating this.”
That’s it. You don’t even have to believe it, just say it. Keep saying it. You’ll feel yourself calm down super quick.
Like so many of these things, the more energy you put into it the better it will work, of course.
If you’ve got the space, hell, scream it.
Why not? & besides, a good scream now & then can be cathartic. Just don’t scare the cat.
Why does it work? Well, firstly it takes your focus (ie your energy) away from “it” – the thing you’re hating, angry about, upset by or whatever, & brings it onto yourself.
Secondly, you’re giving yourself love, approval, acceptance. Even just saying the words “I love myself” with zero energy behind it is helpful, if you’re in a really negative space. If you can say it & mean it, well, so much the better.
What’s this all about? Well, self-love, self-approval, self-acceptance are the corner stone of any deep healing.
& what better time to heal than when you’re pissed off about something? Maximum emotional connectivity, so maximum effectiveness.
Oh, & feel free to change the words around to suit your situation. “I love myself for being upset”, “I love myself for throwing up”, “I love myself for dancing badly.” It’s your life, you make the rules.
One thing I’ve been learning in spades recently is that life can always be easier, if we just get the hell out of the way & let it be.
Comparing ourselves to others is for noobs! As people, we’re funny. There’s this natural tendency to compare ourselves to others.
Typically, we do something like this:
Me: $30
Donald Trump: $eleventy billion
Conclusion: I suck
or maybe
Me: kinda good looking
Angelina Jolie: super hot (if you go for that sort of thing)
Conclusion: I suck
There are a couple of obvious issues here. One might be our choice of attribute to compare. I’m sure this won’t come as a surprise, but people are a bit more complex than just hotness + wealth.
So why compare ourselves based on wealth, or hotness? Just coz people are generally deluded into believing they’re important? It’s as arbitary & ridiculous as lining up the planet according to nose freckliness!
So, maybe if we are going to compare ourselves to others, we should just choose better. Eg
Me: Nice hair
Donald Trump: Nice toupee?
Conclusion: I rock!
Now, this isn’t about taking cheap shots at famous people. Far from it.
It’s a natural tendency to compare ourselves to others, particularly when we think they’re better than us in some way. Know what though? It’s pretty much bullshit.
Making these comparisons is a recipe for misery & disaster. But you already knew that.
Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes
So here’s a better suggestion. Just be you.
In fact, here’s a even better suggestion than that. Why not be the most amazing you you possibly can be?
Do you reckon when you get up to heaven, God’ll say to you “Man, you were the lousiest Jack Black ever!”? Of course not. There’s already a Jack Black here & he’s doing a perfectly good job of being him, thankyouverymuch.
You’re here with one purpose. To be you.
Not to be anyone else. Not even to be like anyone else, unless you really want to be (& I’ve gotta admit, Jack’s maniacal grin does have a certain appeal).
Other people’s opinions are none of my business Hey, & while we’re on the subject, what’s up with caring what anyone else thinks?
They’re here to live their life. You’re here to live your life. If they want to think your life is particularly silly? Well, uhh, so what?
After all, they are allowed to have any opinion they like. Doesn’t make it true! And, while we’re there, you’re welcome to have any opinion you like about their life. Doesn’t make your opinion true either (although, of course, we all like to think we’re right. Heh)
If you’ve been hanging out on Twitter, you’ll know exactly what I mean. You say something, & suddenly people unfollow you. What the?!? Well, you know what? If they don’t like what you say, why would you want them following you anyway? If they don’t like who you truly are (assuming you’re being genuinely yourself, of course) then they’re going to make pretty lousy friends.
Ahh, life, it’s a funny old thing.
So, to recap. Just be you. What anyone else thinks of you? Well, that’s really none of your business, so just let it go. That’s their problem, not yours.
But who am I? Now of course, all this just raises another question. How the hell do you know who you are? The “Why am I here?” question is one of life’s biggies.
Well, here’s a secret. This is why we have emotions. They’re like little signposts.
Basically, anything you do which takes you closer to a place of true joy? That’s you. That’s you really being you.
I’m not talking about enjoyment – the brief happiness that comes from eating an icecream or a particularly satisfying game of Halo – I’m talking about deep, abiding joy.
Here, watch this video. See the spark on their faces? That’s joy. That’s a couple of people doing what’s nearest & dearest to their hearts.
Know what? You have that inside you too. Maybe you’ve found it, maybe you haven’t yet, but it’s there.
There’s something, or many things, that are super easy to you. That you just happen to be great at. You probably don’t think it’s so much, but other people look & go “Wow, how are you so awesome at that?” Well, that’s where you should be looking. That’s a clue.
If time seems to stand still, or the whole day disappears while you’re doing something? That’s a clue too.
If something is making you feel crappier? Well, that’s a sign you probably shouldn’t be doing it so much. We’re here to be happy, after all. How do I know? The Dalai Lama told me, & who am I to argue with him!
Finding that joy, that raison d’etre? That’s the thing to chase. Or rather, that’s the thing to chill out, stop stressing about life & let it find you. Just pay attention, it’s there, you’ll see it.
Bigger is not better. Think quality not quantity Oh, & while we’re on the subject? This whole fascination the western world seems to have with changing the world? That the only life worth living is one where the whole world knows your name? Well, screw that too.
Life is much, much simpler than that. Sure, some people are gonna be the Mother Therasas, the Bill Gateses, the Michael Jordans (ha ha, name plurals crack me up) of the world, but that’s not what it’s about.
It’s about the people around you. Those are the people that you’re really affecting.
If you’re filled with joy & doing what you love, even if it’s something as simple as tending the garden out the front of your cottage, you’re adding so much light to the world. When you’re happy, the people around you feel that. They get happier. The world needs more happy people, so start with you.
Forget about the starving children in Africa (unless that’s where your joy is). Every day you’re slightly happier, slightly more full of joy, doing that which brings you joy, the world is a better place. The people around you will be in a better place because of you. You’ll be inspiring them.
That’s all that matters. Everything else is just details.
It’s ok to have what the world might deem a small life. What matters is just that you lived it fully. That you followed your heart. That, as much as possible, you felt that joy inside you & let it spill out into the world around you. Whether the world that you influence has five billion people in it or only five is entirely irrelevant. Think quality, not quantity.
Just as a rising tide lifts all boats, so you in your joyful place will lift all those around you. Be that tide. Be truly you.
No, I don’t mean half hour long soliloquies at the barista because your coffee is cold, I mean just everyday complaints.
Anytime you verbally express a negative thought, that’s a complaint.
Why do we do this? Habit, typically. Sometimes boredom, But deeper than that – oftentimes it’s a social thing (f***mylife is an example) – it’s socially encouraged to bond over misery stories. To sympathise, express empathy & so on. Sometimes it’s a way of adjusting social hierarchies – I’m your superior, but if I express misery that makes us more equal, & thus you more comfortable. If I feel inferior, complaining about you might (in theory) make me feel better about myself by diminishing you somehow. Many entire cultures have whinging as a core attribute (England, I’m looking at you).
With all those people doing it, what’s the big deal? I mean, really?
Fundamentally, it damages us.
Talking about something gives it our attention, our energy. Gives it power.
Focus on the moon, not the clutter of trees.
Basically, whining makes you feel shitty.
If you believe in the law of attraction, then the more you talk about something, the more you’re going to attract more of that thing. Want a miserable day tomorrow? Spend a bunch of time talking about how miserable today was.
If you think LOA is a bunch of hokum, well think about it this way – why the hell are you wasting you time, energy & attention focussing on something you don’t like? How on earth is that making you any happier? Any more productive? Sorting the problem out, or improving your life? It’s not.
Sure, undesirable things happen. So what? What really matters is how we react to them. Martin Seligman in Learned Optimism discovered that the key difference between success & failure in life is how we treat setbacks. Fundamentally, we do better, get luckier & have more success the less energy we give to these negative events. Pessimists talk a lot about setbacks. Optimists dismiss them. This is eloquently summed up by Sylvester Stallone who likes to dismiss negative situations with “They probably just ate some bad clams.”
As Viktor Frankl said, (paraphrased) the only real freedom we have is the freedom to choose how we react to any event.
The less attention you give negative events (other than the minimum necessary to physically deal with them, of course), the more of your time is focussed on things you actually want. Your goals. Your happiness. Feeling good.
Whinging takes us out of that zone of joy. Out of expressing ourselves in the world. In the process, it adds nothing positive to our lives at all. The more we can reduce it, the better we feel about our lives. About our days. About how things are going for us. Why? Because how we feel about ourselves is the sum total of our thoughts. The more of those thoughts are positive, the better we feel.
If you remember nothing else, remember this:
Your quality of life is directly proportional to how much of the time you feel good. Yes, that’s incredibly obvious. You want to have a better life? Spend more of it feeling better.
Of course, the question is – how do you increase how much you feel good? Well (& a big duh to this one) stop making yourself feel miserable so often. You may not be able to help what happens to you, but you can definitely change how much time you spending talking, thinking or focussing on these bad things around you.
Try it for a week. Anytime you catch yourself whinging, deliberately let that thought go, & think (or better, say!) something positive instead. Or heck, if you can’t do that, just shut the hell up – that’s a great first step. See how great you start feeling, by comparison. Notice how much better things get in your life – people reacting more positively to you, opportunities arriving, things just somehow going smoother.
We only have so many minutes each day. Make them count. Make them positive ones. It’s just a choice.
[If you’d like to read more, my man Dhrumil has a great podcast here about why we complain, & how to help others we see complaining. Also worth checking is AComplaintFreeWorld]
Bring you into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness
This is pretty much the description of flow. Any athlete in peak performance has that. In fact, any peak performer, in any area, is in that state.
No thoughts, no noise, just pure beingness.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve heard great things about meditating. Sat down, tried it, & given up due to distraction. Or, you know, found something more important that urgently needed doing.
So what’s the trick?
Well, to start with, yep, it can be hard. Thoughts swirl around us like dust in a tornado. We’re assailed from every direction. It can seem damn near impossible.
Here’s a trick though. Who said you have to be sitting still to meditate? Try going for a walk, or a run – or just sit & jiggle your leg if you’re feeling lazy. That’s fine too.
Second, who said you have to be quiet? It’s your mind that you’re trying to get to shut up.
So, how about this. Get some music you really like. Preferably stuff without words – you don’t want to be putting new thoughts into your mind. Preferably reasonably fast – otherwise your brain may (will!) start wandering in the gaps.
For me, I’m a fan of high bpm (beats-per-minute) dub, drum & bass, and other electronica. It has a regular rhythm, which means you can kind of tune it out, but it’s fast enough that it drowns out most of what’s going on upstairs.
Crank it up loud & start walking, running, or jiggling.
You’ll find the music & movement will swamp most of your thoughts. This is a great start. It just makes it easier to see any remaining thoughts that peep out from above the noise.
Now, what to do when you do catch yourself drifting off? Well here’s the trick.
Just pay attention. When you see thoughts arising, bring your focus back to the music (or the exercise). Let the thought go. You can always worry about it later, turn it into a haiku or scribble it on a balloon & fling it to the wind.
Each time your brain starts burbling away, get back into the music. You did choose loud music you absolutely adore, right? Well, that’ll make it easier.
(be sure to stretch before attempting this super-advanced meditational asana) pic byjuljo
As an added benefit? It’ll make you happier. Less crap going on upstairs, listening to music that makes your heart beat that little bit faster, endorphins pouring through your body…
Besides, you can always sit still & just breathe when you reach the top of the hill.
ps. If you’re keen to try some other non-standard techniques for stilling the mind, my good friend Dhrumil has an excellent 15min audio on “Falling Still” (or if you prefer, a 20 min video). Then there’s always those old saw-horses EFT & releasing, of course – to get rid of specific thought patterns. Or, you know, just try all of it & see what works for you.
I’m going to start a little geeky, but be patient, I’ll keep it super short & it’s totally relevant.
What’s interesting about TCP (heard of TCP/IP? Yeah, it’s part of that) is how the initial communication, the ‘handshaking’ bit goes. Very roughly, it’s goes like this:
Hello? [SYN]
I can hear you! [SYN-ACK]
Me too! [ACK]
Here’s a picture I found to stop you falling asleep. See? They’re just starting a wee conversation:
(ok, geek stuff over. Told you it’d be short.)
So what, I hear you say. Well, TCP runs everything. The entire internet, any smart phone, hell they’re even talking about using it to talk to satellites out across the solar system. Anything smarter than a toaster these days depends on it to operate properly.
So yeah, it’s important.
And so are those “ACK”s. Notice how 2/3 of the initial conversation is just ACKs? Computers like to be ACKnowledged. It makes them feel safe & secure.
Well, here’s a secret – so do people.
See, the ACK doesn’t really add any useful information to the conversation, and yet, it’s critical.
It doesn’t answer any questions, doesn’t actually ‘do’ anything, and yet everything falls apart without it.
Same thing with human communication, we’re just more resilient, so that falling apart is less obvious.
If you say “Hey!” to a friend, and they don’t respond, how are you going to feel? Pretty terrible, I’d bet. At the very least, you’d wonder if they saw you, or maybe if you upset them somehow, or if there was something wrong.
All it takes is a flick of their eyes or a smile to let you know that your communication has been received & all is well in the world.
Of course, face to face communication is pretty obvious like that.
How about other forms, like email (or even twitter)?
How often have you received an email that you weren’t ready to answer immediately? Maybe you were busy, it was long, required thought, or you just weren’t in the mood. A response as simple as “Thanks for email, crazy day, will respond later tonight” can work wonders. It lets the other person know that their email has been received, that you’re just busy, and that they’re not being ignored. Plus it buys you a little time.
Twitter (or texting) is even more extreme, of course. But how often have you tweeted someone & got no reply, then wondered “Did I offend them?” “Are they ok?” “What’s going on?” Any of these thoughts would be a reasonable response, and all could be removed with a simple “Thanks! :)” or equivalent.
It’s not the length of reply that matters, just the emotion behind it. In fact, the shorter the reply the better, generally. Just enough to let the person know you’re there, you care, & you’re thinking of them.
It may feel like you’re over-communicating, but really you’re just acknowledging the importance of that other person to you.
How long does this sort of thing take? About as long as flick of the eyes across a crowded room. Maybe a second.
Quality communication is not about length. It’s about emotion & clarity. A quick genuine reply followed by a considered response later is far superior to a mammoth missive in a week, with the other person left hanging the entire time.
Also, it’s much less stressful for you, as you don’t have it hanging over your head with that same sense of urgency. You win, they win. What’s not to like?
