I’ve been giving my internet use a bit of thought recently.
I realised (wild generalisation alert!), there are two primary ways I use the internet:
To waste time
To find information
and, of course, a few secondary ways:
To build, create, produce, expand (eg, write a blog post, build a business, send love to people)
To communicate
To provide services to others
Sites like Facebook, Twitter etc are built on communication – but even there, most of the time we’re really just doing something because it fills in time. I.e., we’re firmly in category 1.
The time-wasting sites are easy to spot. We go there when we’re trying to avoid or escape from something else (drudgery, unpleasant tasks, boring work). We look up and the next thing we know, hours have passed. We have slightly more information in our head, sure, but it’s of dubious benefit.
The question underneath all this is simple: Are we expanding or contracting our life? Are we producing or consuming?
If all we’re doing is consuming, that’s a contraction. We’re not adding anything to the world and generally, we’re actually disconnecting from the people & things around us. Trite chit-chat is no substitute for a heart felt conversation.
If we’re producing something, that’s an expansion. We’re adding value to the world.
If we’re using the internet as a conscious tool, then it’s working for us. If all we’re doing is wasting time? Really, we’re working for it (and the pay rate is lousy)
Based on this, I’ve switched off access to my primary time waster sites (reddit, slashdot, hacker news, boing boing, kottke). As interesting as they are, it’s time for me to more consciously choose what I put into my mind.
Minimise the external (and typically trivialising) influence, maximise my internal choice.
In Oct 2009, I started Twit Cleaner. This business has been through some ups & downs, but over the last year or so I noticed myself disconnecting almost completely. I’d lost all motivation for it, and for life in general. I’ve kept working, of course, but my heart just hasn’t been in it.
I knew (some how) that it was still the right thing for me to be doing, but I had lost that initial zest. It was still bringing in (a little) money; It suited my skillset, interests and desired lifestyle perfectly; I just couldn’t figure out why I was doing it.
And that ‘why’ is critical.
If you don’t know why you’re doing something, you’re not going to keep pushing forward through its vicissitudes, no matter what it is (and no, “for the money” isn’t a strong enough motivator).
In the back of my mind through all this, and indeed my whole life has been something I haven’t been able to connect to at all – the idea of ‘service’. I learned about this from quotes I first read decades ago:
Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.
– Albert Einstein
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
– Mahatma Gandhi
I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.
– Rabindranath Tagore
I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.
– Albert Schweitzer
I figured these guys might know what they’re talking about.
Serving others though? Does that mean I should be, I dunno, a janitor? Also, doesn’t it all sound just a little menial? A little gruelling? A complete waste of my talent/skills/life?
Expanding or Contracting?
Now, the last year or so for me has been pretty tough. Some of the crap I’ve been through I wouldn’t wish on anyone (the details aren’t really important).
As I’ve tried to figure things out and work my way through it all, I’ve noticed my energy getting smaller and smaller. This is hardly surprising really, if all I’m thinking about is the problems in my life, of course my energy is going inwards. I’m looking inwards, not outwards.
As so often happens, I’ve watched it all play out through my Aikido.
I’m currently 2nd dan, working towards my 3rd. As part of this growth, my Sensei has been pushing me to be more expansive, more embracing of my attackers – essentially, to expand my energy field (which of course is mirrored in my posture, movement, inner weight, composure & unshakability while under attack).
As with everything in this universe of ours, things are always moving one way or another. Growing or shrinking. Expanding or contracting. Life is endlessly in motion.
So here I’ve been, shrinking, in my personal life, my Aikido and my work (it’s also why I haven’t been posting here very much). Simultaneously, I’ve been working as hard as I can to sort it all out – and making good internal progress, but still not really seeing much of that progress externally.
It’s been confusing as hell (and not a little stressful) but I’ve been persevering. I’m nothing if not tenacious.
The thing I realised this morning though, the thing that pulls all of this together, is this:
My Purpose is simply to express as much love as I possibly can in the world , through whatever and wherever I am right now.
Joy, and the value of a life
Ultimately (and you’re welcome to disagree with me here, of course) the value of a life is simply whether the world, on balance, is better off through your being here.
Some people achieve this by raising beautiful families. Some by saving the whales, creating art, writing books and so on. Every person is born with a unique set of interests, skills and proclivities.
A great question for figuring out where you’re meant to be is – “What brings you the most joy?” (note: not enjoyment, joy)
We feel this joy because we’re either already really good at something (so can achieve things at a high enough level to satisfy our intuitive understanding of “the way things should be“) or what we’re doing speaks to us profoundly enough that we’ll persevere until we do become excellent.
The way we contribute to the world is through the effect we have on the people around us. We bring love into the world through our actions, through our work.
The areas we feel most drawn to and most passionate about are where we’re going to be bringing the most love into existence.
The way I figure it, if I’m lying on my deathbed, the ultimate question I want to ask myself is this: “Was the world a better place for having me in it?”
How this affects our lives
As I start to think and feel in terms of expressing love for the world – How can I help these people? How can I make their lives, even a little bit better? How can I best use the skills I have to achieve this? – I immediately notice the following:
My energy shifts from contracting to expanding
My head empties of any and all of ‘my’ nonsense
I feel super motivated and connected to Get Stuff Done
I feel (for lack of a better description) bigger, like, city-block bigger.
Ie, it puts me straight into flow. Straight into the highest, clearest, most powerful state of being. The state where, if I’m doing Aikido, my attackers somehow go flying in all directions with zero effort from me. The state where, if I’m coding, I look up after a couple of hours and I’ve suddenly completed dozens of tasks, many of which I may have been struggling with for weeks.
By focussing on loving those around me and using my skills and my joy to express that love, I detach completely from “the little me”, my ego, all that negative internal noise. I connect fully and completely to the most perfect, capable and highest part of myself.
Now, finally, I understand why the greatest minds have always stressed service so strongly. What people mean by “follow your bliss.” Until now I’ve never understood the ‘how’, or even the ‘why.’ Now, finally, I get it.
.. and as a bonus, I see exactly why having my skills and working to improve the lives – in a small but real way – of the 200 million people on Twitter, is exactly the right place for me to be.
Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.
– Muhammad Ali
A business absolutely devoted to service will have only one worry about profits. They will be embarrassingly large.
– Henry Ford
The thing that lies at the foundation of positive change, the way I see it, is service to a fellow human being.
– Lee Iacocca
Happiness… consists in giving, and in serving others.
– Henry Drummond
He who wishes to secure the good of others, has already secured his own.
– Confucius
It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.
Here’s something I have no logical explanation for.
As you may have experienced yourself, when I hit 30, I started to notice I couldn’t drink as much as I could when I was a teenager. Or rather, I could, but boy, it hurt like crazy the next day.
So, I did some research, & figured out a strict anti-hangover regime – which in the interests of furthering the community, I will share with you now:
As much water as you can possibly bear. No, more than that
A good multivitamin (replaces vitamins C, B5, B6, B12 & trace minerals)
Omega 3’s (to help your brain)
5-HTP (If it’s available, to offset the depressive effects)
Take all of this BEFORE you go to sleep, & optionally again in the morning. This basically replaces everything that the alcohol strips out of your body. Oh, & if your stomach is upset, ginger tea or ginger beer will do the trick.
So here’s the really unexpected thing. I’ve noticed recently (last couple of months) that I can drink a LOT, go to sleep without doing ANY of the above, & wake up feeling aok.
I’ve tested this extensively, with many different types of alcohol. I really don’t know why this is the case. No hangover, no DTs, no dry mouth, no shakes, nothing.
All I can think is that it’s an unexpected gain from doing a metric ton of releasing. Oh, I’m also finding it super easy to find carparks, & lights always seem to go in my favour.. but that’s a whole other conversation.
It’s no surprise that our mind affects our body – how else would we lift our arms or smile? What’s more interesting is that the reverse is also true. Our body affects our mind.
As I said, I’m possibly the worst poker player in the world. Why? Because pretty much every thought or feeling I have is reflected in my face. I’m ok with this. I figure bluffing in poker is basically lying, & I’m ok with not developing lying as a core skill. It’s a personal choice.
I’ve recently started paying more attention to what the muscles in my face are doing. If I relax a muscle in my face, I’m also forcing myself to let go of the thought or feeling that’s causing it. What’s most interesting is that most of the time I’m not even aware of what that thought or feeling even is. What I’m actually releasing is deep, subconscious tension.
The simple act of incrementally relaxing all the muscles in my face relaxes my entire being. It helps me drop all thoughts and feelings.
If this sounds familiar it should, this is what “being in the moment” is all about. No thoughts, no feelings, just awareness.
Obviously there will be other thoughts & emotions we hold in other places in our body – but once your face is completely relaxed, noticing tension in other places (our scalp, back, shoulders etc) is relatively easy – those muscles are much bigger, after all. It’s not an accident that noticing & relaxing specific muscles is one of the core activities within Yoga.
pic by chocosaur
It’s such a simple thing, but the act of paying attention to & consciously letting go of facial tension is the simplest & fastest way I’ve found of assessing & improving my deep levels of pure, present beingness.
I have another theory that doing this will also reduce my wrinkles.. but I’ll have to get back to you on that.
Releasing is a pretty straight forward concept: simply “let go” of any thoughts/feelings/problems you might have – just like dropping a handful of dirt to the floor.
There are many releasing techniques available. They’re relatively similar though, so I’ll discuss the two key ones I’ve found so far.
If you’re interested, both of these stem from discoveries made by a guy called Lester Levenson about 40 years ago. Anything he’s written is worth reading, & there are many great videos of him on YouTube.
This is a relatively brain-centred approach. You ask the following question about any issue X.
Can you let go of X?
Will you let go of X?
When?
And, well, that’s it. I’ve met several people for whom this technique works incredibly well. For me, if something is really bothering me, I can find it hard to detach emotionally enough to answer the questions clearly.
I do like the gradual loosening of your attachment to the issue, along with the final “When” question. The implication being, of course, that if you can, and will, why not just let go of it now? A lot of times it’s just never occurs that we’re the ones in control, & that we always have a choice about whether or not we focus on or attach to something.
This is more of a feeling based, rather than mind based approach (ie kinaesthetic, not intellectual):
Become aware of the feeling
Feel the feeling
Identify the feeling
Relax into the feeling
Release the feeling
By identify, I don’t think they mean “oh, that’s the pain from being sworn at by my sister when I was 3” (although you may get those kinds of realisations), rather “oh, it’s just below my bottom rib, about an inch in.”
This method is more or less what I’ve found useful to do, except I just instinctively stay relaxed, and aware/feel/identify all kinda blend into one smooth “oh, I have a dark blue pain about there” sort of understanding.
It’s also helpful that you don’t need to even know what the feeling is about. It’s just an ‘it’, so you just let ‘it’ go. A lot of times our subconscious will protect us by hiding certain details from our conscious mind.
The release technique guys have a couple of other variants too:
1. Take each feeling/issue/thought back to its underlying core: Is it an issue about wanting (or lacking) control, safety or approval/love. Once you know then let go of that wanting/lacking control, safety or approval.
This is super helpful since letting go of wanting (say) approval in one area of your life, you then let go of a little bit of it from every area of your life, so your entire life benefits.
2. Instead of pushing the bad feeling etc down, by saying ‘no’ to it, or avoiding it.. do the opposite! Say yes to it, welcome the bad feeling/thought up, then just let it go as it comes up.
3. If things are crazily overwhelming, just say “not so bad” to the issue, letting it go as you do. This is surprisingly effective at detaching & releasing things.
Of course, this is just a brief overview. There are subtleties to both these variants. The important thing is to find one approach that resonates and works well for you.
amazing pic by just k
How to find a feeling (if it hasn’t already popped up)
First, calm yourself down (repeating “not so bad” helps a lot). Try to sit or stand still, and take 3 regular breaths without thinking anything at all.
Next, look downwards (which triggers the kinaesthetic part of the brain & helps you focus on physical feelings). I also find it helpful to tap the karate chop point (ie, the side of your hand between little finger & wrist) with the fingers of the other hand. This helps “tune you in”.
Finally, say 3-4 times (for example) “Wanting approval from Pepe”. If this is an issue for you, you will often feel unexpected feelings arising. They could be sharp pains in odd places in your body, or a rushing sensation, or, as happened when I did the Vipassana course and was very calm/aware, you’ll feel like your head is on fire and your eyeballs are going to explode. Hehe.
The important thing is – it’s just a sensation. Don’t become attached to it. Don’t react to it. It’ll pass if you let it go, as all sensations do. The less you react to it, the easier the letting go is. Just try to locate the feeling internally, as accurately as you can. If you don’t feel something no matter what you try, either it’s not a problem for you, or just keep practising. Like all things, the more you do it, the better you’ll get and the more subtle the feelings you’ll be able to detect.
The great thing about this is you can then systematically clear every aspect of your life, without having to actually be in that situation. Anything you think you might have an issue with you can think about, feel, bring to the surface & let go.
A great starting point is to look for wanting (or lacking) approval, control, or safety, in any situation or towards every person in your life.
How To Let Go
As well as the Sedona/Releasing approaches above, here are the other methods I’ve tried:
Imagining myself detaching from the feeling/problem, and it floating off
Imagine a tube coming out of your chest or stomach (wherever the feeling is located), & the feeling sucking out into it
Turning my grounding tube into a vacuum and letting that help me remove it
Creating a rose (neutral object), grounding that, then sending the feeling/problem to that
Imagining the feeling/problem in my hand, and dropping it
Creating a rose around the feeling, sending it out over nearby water, and blowing it up
For a while I struggled a bit with “letting go”, or “releasing”. A big part of this is, of course, just my brain/ego making things more difficult (after all, our ego feeds on this kind of nonsense). The whole thing, as with life, is only as drawn out & complicated as I choose to make it.
It’s really just about practice though. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. After a while, you stop needing any kind of visual imagery, it just becomes “something you do”, as simple & easy as dropping something to the floor.
pic by kyle muraca
What it’s all about
Given that the mind and body are intrinsically linked, what I’m starting to realise is that by paying close attention to my body, what I’m actually releasing aren’t necessarily physical issues at all. They’re negative thoughts, behaviours, patterns, reactions. These pains that appear and disappear are my body/mind trying to communicate with me, in the best way it knows how – through feeling.
The great thing about this is you really don’t have to rationalise anything or figure out what any underlying cause is. Just being in a situation, feeling the feelings and releasing them will automatically clear out massive amounts of junk. From my own experience, just going to a place with a large number of unpleasant memories, or interacting with people that typically bring about aversive reactions can result in literally hundreds or thousands of these feelings coming up in a single day. All of them you simply drop.
The beauty is, once you starting doing this everywhere, next time you’re exposed to similar stimulus you can watch yourself barely reacting, if at all.
An Example
Oh, & if this sounds like a whole load of hokum? Try checking this vid. It’s a bit slow to start with (the first 20secs is just intro), but well worth persevering with:
Yes, that IS a guy who’s struggled with a cane for 20 years (some unidentifiable thyroid condition), throwing down his cane and walking. I see so many smaller examples every single day, this doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.
Ignore all the money money ra ra stuff on that site. It’s very $$ focused coz that’s what people (particularly in America) are mostly after when they start – ie, it gets people in the door. They’re super serious & super deep about it though (ie, money is a nice side effect, but what they’re actually pushing everyone towards is complete freedom). If they were just hucksters I would have biffed them years ago (as I have with oh so many others).
They have a whole range of products/services (obviously) but even just having the basic product you can go nuts with it from there – ie, spend almost nothing (as I have) but gain enormously. Ie, you really don’t have to give them tons of money, or anything crazy like that.
The reason for buying the product is that it gives you a lot of context, plus has tons of exercises for helping to clear up your entire life (it’s something like 12 CDs, plus a book). What I talk about on this blog is really just the tip of the iceberg.
There’s also a ton of weekly calls you can listen to for free here. People ring up with problems or to share great things that have happened, and they get helped or congratulated etc. These are absolutely brilliant for hitting problems from different angles, picking up neat tricks and so on (plus, you know, free! Yay!) I like to download them & listen to them on my iPod while I’m walking around. Instant meditation+growth. Fantastic.
