si dawson

experiments in self-improvement

Category: healing

May 7, 2011

How To Stop Being A Victim And Regain Your Power

Being a victim means feeling that something or  someone outside ourselves controls some part of our lives. Put simply, we lose connection with the fact that we create every single aspect of our existence. Often it may be difficult at the time to see how or why, but we do.

Of course, this can be a very hard concept to accept as truth. However, in order to get out of being a victim, it’s helpful to just go with this for the moment.

(Yes, this is a very confrontational post. Bear with me.)

Basically, every step we can take towards having complete power over our lives is one step away from being a victim (where we have none).

Regarding any specific situation, it’s critical to remember:

  1. It’s already happened. We can’t change the past. So, the best thing we can do is accept what’s happened, and let it go. Ie, get peaceful about it.
  2. For better or worse, the myriad of tiny decisions you made up until that point is why you were there. ie, you put yourself there. Often it’s impossible to see the exact chain of cause-and-effect, but you created that situation, if nothing else then just by being present (athough there’s always a lot more going on than just that).
  3. Accepting the past does not mean choosing to create the same situation in the future

Remember, this isn’t about blaming yourself, this is about accepting the past & letting it go. It’s also about realising the true power we have. Once we accept the past, we can move on and make better decisions in the future. Have better beliefs and self-image. Create a better existence.

How to drop victimhood

Think about something terrible that’s happened to you. Just start with whatever pops in your head.

Then say (as always, preferably out loud if possible):

  • (describe the situation)
  • I created this (or to save time, just “I created [describe situation]”)
  • I accept it.
  • I accept myself.
  • I love you Si (or your name, if you’re not called Si).

As you’re doing this, you may feel a lot of energy come up. It’s very likely that part of you will be screaming as loudly as it possibly can “NO NO NO, I DID NOT, I WILL NOT. I DON‘T.” This is completely normal — and in fact, why we’re doing this — to bring all that resistance to the surface & let it out, harmlessly and safely.

You may feel tension or clutching in your body, shortness of breath, etc. Just let it all go. Relax that part of your body and let all the energy out. Keep cycling through the above four statements until you feel completely at peace about the issue.

Some tips:

  • If it’s hard to say “I accept it” (which, oh boy, is understandable), try “I choose to accept it.” Again, this reasserts your power.
  • If it feels like there’s still some ickiness around the subject, try amping the statements up:
    • I accept all of this
    • I accept every part of this
    • I accept myself completely
    • I love you anyway

(you get the idea)

Basically, just say these variations & let go (ie, accept) everything that comes up, until you feel super calm. Estimated time per subject? Oh, typically less than 20 seconds.

What do I feel a victim about?

Where to start? Here are some suggestions:

  • Any feelings of inadequacy towards your parents
  • Any situations where you felt “not good enough”
  • Any situations where you compared unfavourably to friends
  • Any strongly negative judgements (eg, feeling like a loser, a failure, etc — any of those deep dark criticisms)
  • Big life mistakes (particularly those around relationships, or money)
  • Traumatic events where you felt you had no power or control
  • Anything you want to change about your life

Basically, any memory you have that you hate the hell out of; makes you feel crappy every time you think of it; you wish were different. Just go with whatever pops in your head, your intuition will guide you.

It’s ok to address multiple aspects of a given relationship separately. Some people have very major (read: traumatic) roles in our lives, often spanning decades.

Why bother?

The whole intent here is to simply accept the past for what it is — done & dusted. The peace this brings is incredibly freeing. It also has the benefit of stopping you continuing to create these things in your life.

Why? Well have you ever noticed how we tend to cycle — have the same crappy things happen to us, until we finally learn our lesson? Yes, well this is one powerful way of breaking those cycles. Think about it, when you learn a lesson, you relax & accept it, right? So think of this as a shortcut. This is how you unwind karma and free yourself from those patterns.

When you’re truly peaceful about something that’s happened, you’re also truly free — you can choose to create it again, or create something completely new. You don’t have emotional detritus pulling at you. You regain your true power. You stop feeling like a victim.

The other thing to realise is — even though we may not be consciously aware of it, our subconscious is constantly churning over all this noise. The amount of peace we bring ourselves by pulling all this junk to the surface, accepting it & finally letting it go… well, you’ll just have to try it for yourself. Words really cannot do this justice.

Finally, with big issues it’s often helpful (and easier) to take smaller steps. Acceptance is one such super useful step towards fully loving every aspect of your life.

 

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    May 1, 2011

    Escaping From Escapism

    I’ve been thinking about escapism for a while now.

    What is escapism? Essentially, anything that takes us away from being fully present. So, this would include:

    • Watching TV/movies (a personal favourite)
    • Booze (ditto)
    • Sex (can be – depending on context)
    • Food (any emotional altering food – carbs to dampen, sugars to elevate, etc)
    • Daydreaming
    • Worrying (ie, misery-focused daydreaming)
    • Non-essential shopping (aka “filling our lives with unnecessary crap”)
    • Drugs (a lot of – but not all)

    in other words, anything which numbs us.

    also any form of distracting ourselves from the task at hand, or procrastination:

    • Idly surfing the web
    • Twitter
    • Facebook
    • Reddit

    (we all have our personal favourites)

    in other words, anything we’re doing primarily because it uses up time (while optionally making us feel slightly better).

    A good question: Does this task take time, or am I doing it solely because it fills in my time?

    Now, if you’re doing any of the above with the specific intention of being present while doing it, that’s a  different kettle of fish. I am of course speaking in very broad terms – there are valid exceptions to all of the above.

    While we’re doing any activity the key thing is to notice where our attention is, why we’re doing it, and whether our primary motivation is simply to avoid something else.

    What is it that we are trying to avoid?

    Usually it’s something unpleasant. A feeling we’re not comfortable with, a task we don’t enjoy, or maybe just life in general.

    I saw a lot of this when I was working in investment banking in London, both in myself and others. It’s the “my life sucks, let’s get drunk!” solution. Where by “solution” I mean “escapism that really doesn’t do anything to help at all.”

    In general, escapism, procrastination & avoidance all fit under the title “side-effects of aversion”.

    You have an aversion to something, and procrastination etc are simply the result of that aversion. This is why “trying to stop procrastinating” rarely works. (also because it’s focusing on the problem, hence the above approach). You may have temporarily adjusted a result, but you haven’t dealt with the root cause.

    The Bhagavad Gita talks about the two forms of wanting – attachment & aversion. Releasing both forms is what leads to enlightenment, ie, the cessation of suffering.

    So, in order to drop, say, TV watching, you need to first ask “What am I avoiding, by watching TV?” Then, you need to heal/drop/etc that aversion.

    It’s also super useful to ask “What’s the upside of TV watching?” “What’s my payoff?” “What’s the benefit I perceive?” and so on. Ie, drop the attachment.

    This then leaves you in a place where you’re free to make a choice (watch/don’t-watch) with zero internal emotional tension.

    Dumping your aversions

    As an example, you have a blog post you need to get written. It’s causing you pain, or not flowing like it usually does. A whole raft of negative thoughts are floating around it (I’m not good enough. I can’t think of anything to write. Nobody reads my stuff anyway. It’s all crap. I’m blocked… the list goes on). Those are all your aversions to doing the task at hand – writing that post.

    I find tapping my karate chop point (the fleshy side of your hand where you would, hypothetically, karate chop someone) while asking “What’s my aversion to writing this post” or “Why don’t I want to do this?” or “What sucks about this?” helps bring those aversive thoughts to the surface. I can then write each down, in turn, and move to the next one. Really, just ask whatever resonates for you.

    If I’m feeling particularly clear then I don’t need to tap my hand necessarily – it’s just a useful tool for “tuning in.”

    Once I have a list of the aversions (reasons for avoiding it), I can then simply knock them out, one by one. How?

    Usually either by:

    1. Using EFT (slow, but a good solid approach), or
    2. Using releasing (much faster – just take the thought back to wanting or lacking approval, control or safety & let it go)

    Once it’s gone (ie, we feel no particular emotional resonance to it any more) then it’s super easy to replace each thought with an opposing, positive thought.

    • “I’m not good enough” -> “pfft! I’m plenty good enough, I can do this in my goddamn sleep”
    • “I can’t think of anything to write” -> “Course I can, the whole world’s my inkpot”
    • “Nobody reads my stuff anyway” -> “Who cares! Writing’s fun, and besides, those that need to read it will”
    • …and so on

    You may have noticed, I find getting all sweary is a great way to give myself a nice positive kick up the bum. Works for me, you just need to find what kind of language motivates you the most strongly.

    If you’ve really dropped each aversion, then those positive replacement thoughts will swill around in your brain pleasantly.

    If saying the positive phrase raises resistance (physical tension, opposing thoughts of emotions), there’s just a little more to go. So, let go of whatever comes up & try again till you’re clear & calm.

    Dumping your attachments

    Once you’ve got rid of the obvious aversions, then you can look at the escapism more specifically.

    Questions like “Why the hell do I want to watch TV?” “What’s compelling me to watch this?” “Why would I rather do this than write that blog post?” and so on. Really, anything that pops in your head that feels right. That’ll give you the other side of the equation. In other words, your attachments.

    Then, just do exactly the same thing you did for your aversions to (say, writing the post), to your attachments to (say, watching TV).

    So, tap or release on each of the attachments to watching TV.

    Now, it might take a few goes to clear everything out – that’s quite normal. We’re complex, layered beings, and often we need to remove the outer layers before we can see more deeply.

    Yes, we’re all onions.

    However, pretty much straight away you’ll start to feel both your resistance to doing the task start to dissipate, and your attraction/compulsion to that particular form of escapism fading.

    The result?

    I’ve been doing both of these things – on tasks I want to get done, and forms of escaping, for a few weeks now, and I tell you, my life is CHANGING.

    In a million years I never would have thought it would be possible to not surf my favourite geek news sites, and not watch TV.. and yet, here I am (and don’t even get me started about dumping booze, sugar & no caffeine during the week).

    The best thing of all? It’s been effortless. Really. The motivation just isn’t there any more. I can watch TV or not watch TV, I don’t care either way. The magnetic tractor beam that has been there pretty much my entire life has just disappeared.

    Even better, as I continue to query & release aversions to the various projects I have, I’m getting ever clearer, and the more effortlessly everything is falling into place.

    Yes, it really is possible to escape from escapism.

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      April 26, 2011

      Dissociating From Subconscious Impulses

      One of the trickiest thing with healing (read: improving our lives) is that so much of what affects us happens below our level of consciousness.

      We are, indeed, icebergs.

      So, while intellectually we know things to be true: we want to be happy, loving, at peace; in reality our lives are often far different.

      The difficulty comes in finding & removing those inner impulses. The resistance & fears we hold so deeply hidden.

      A lot of the time, particularly with things we deem traumatic, our ego/mind will deliberately hide things from us. I’ve experienced this over and over. I heal on something (at the conscious level), and only after it’s healed am I able to see what’s truly been going on underneath.

      Other times, I heal something (and definitely feel it leave) and yet I never ever get to see what it was. Simply that it was there before, and now it’s gone.

      So how do we address something we can’t see, can’t identify and often can’t even detect?

      As always, simply looking at our lives shows us what we most want in the world. Not consciously, a lot of the time, but at our deepest levels.

      Why Our Subconscious is a tricky bugger

      Why would we ever want pain, ugliness and hurt? Because of these deeper impulses. It’s often our ego trying to protect us from some greater fear or hurt. Regardless, this desire for safety (approval or control) or this fear, is more powerful than our conscious beliefs hence the (perhaps undesirable) reality we’re experiencing.

      About here is where we normally get into difficulties, for three main reasons:

      1. At a conscious level, it’s very difficult to accept that (for example) “I want this pain”
      2. What’s going on is below our level of awareness (we can’t even see it)
      3. We’ve had this ‘thing’ for so long we’ve started to identify with it (it’s become part of us)

      In general, getting into trying to figure something out is an exercise in futility and frustration.

      So if we say, for example, “I want this pain” we’ll get immediate internal reactions “No I don’t!”, “Why would I want this?” and possibly even “This is who I am!”

      A super simple way to neatly side step all of these issues is to instead say “some part of me wants this pain” or “some part of me believes..” Just tailor the statements to describe your situation, as usual.

      In other words, to whatever phrase you’d use if you were tapping (the ‘movie title’ describing your problem), just add “some part of me” to the front of it.

      I find tapping the karate chop point (side of hand) really helps bring things to the surface (so they’re easier to drop). It’s like tuning a radio into the issue. Often even that isn’t needed though. Just acknowledging that deeper part of yourself is enough to bring it up so you can let it go.

      By saying that it is part of us, but not all of us, our ego doesn’t get all tied up trying to defend us with denials, or hide the feelings. It also sidesteps issues that have been part of our lives for so long they feel like they’re an inescapable part of who we are.

      All this is the consciousness equivalent of saying “I have a sore finger” (ie “a part of me is sore”). It’s trivial to accept that as truth, versus, say, the more blanket statement “I am sore.”

      To clear things out

      What I’ve discovered is that for issues where normally I’d require rounds and rounds of EFT, or a hardcore releasing session, by saying “A part of me” I can often drop the issue completely in only a few seconds.

      So, what I recommend is this:

      1. Set the intent that you’re going to let go of anything that comes up
      2. Tap your karate chop point (Hong Kong Phooey gives a good demo here. Parking your car in a dumpster is optional)
      3. Ideally say the phrases out loud – it just makes it more concrete (this isn’t mandatory, it just helps)
      4. Say “Some part of me…” (then briefly describe what you’re dealing with. Keep it super short. Trust your subconscious)
      5. Let go of any tension or clutching that arises (whether physical, mental or emotional)
      6. When that feels clear, follow up with “Some part of me still…” (same description, & release)

      Seems complicated, but only because I’m outlining it in detail. It’s really only one step – tap your hand while saying “some part of me is blergh” (or whatever) and let it all go.

      Simple. And by a huge margin the fastest and most thorough way I’ve found to clear out deep, sticky issues.

      I still use full rounds of EFT if I really want to take a baseball bat to something. I still use releasing (taking things back to wanting approval, control or security & letting them go) as a way to simply and quickly improve all areas of my life. For anywhere I’m feeling stuck, or can’t immediately sense what’s going on? This is now my goto tool.

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        April 17, 2011

        How To Love Your Life

        I’ve been giving quite a lot of thought to the saying “What you resist persists” (variously attributed to either Carl Jung, or Werner Erhard).

        The logic of this is reasonably straight forward. Our brains don’t understand negatives particularly well. This is why when you drive a car, you look where you want to go, not at the thing you’re trying to avoid (coz you’ll veer towards it).

        Thus, whatever you’re thinking about you tend to create more of. It doesn’t matter too much if it’s a positive (I like that) or negative (I hate that) thought.

        Of course, this is one of the core benefits of releasing (or EFT). As your mind lets go of circling things you hate, those things tend to fall away from your life.

        If your feelings towards something are purely loving, you lose that obsessive mental grip that things we dislike have. We lose those recurring negative thoughts.  Therefore, we stop drawing those things we dislike to us.

        So where do you draw the line?

        It’s very simple. Every thought and emotion in your life is either loving or nonloving.

        Simplifying like this keeps everything very, very clear.

        It also removes the need to try and figure anything out (which just gets our ego/brain involved – never helping). It stop us getting tied up in definitions (“Am I angry, miffed, annoyed, irritated or just antsy?”). It cuts short the spiral into obsessive thought patterns.

        I’m usually not a fan of dichotomous (either/or) thinking, but in this case it’s actually very helpful. Simple is good.

        So, if that thought or emotion is loving? Great. If it’s non-loving? Say “I love you” & let it go. Remember “I love you”? Arguably the core of the four most powerful phrases in English.

        So what’s the best way of going about this? Well, here’s what I’ve found so far. And when I say “best” I mean most thorough, permanent & quickest.

        The Approach

        Generally speaking, when you think about something you dislike (have non-loving feelings towards), there will be a physical sensation (a clutching or tension) that goes with it. This usually appears in our stomach or chest. Why does this happen? Simply because our energy, emotions, bodies and minds are all part of one holistic system. Nothing operates independently.

        As you continue to think of that thing, if you say “I love you” you can simply open an imaginary door over your stomach or chest (where the tension is) and let that energy out.

        This works best especially when you don’t feel loving, because that will bring these contrary feelings to the surface even more vividly. Keep saying “I love you” and letting it out, and the clutching will disappear altogether.

        People

        Relationships are the core of our lives. “No man is an island” and all that guff. Ideally, you’d feel loving towards every person in your life. Why? Because then any time you think about anybody, you’ll feel great! How awesome would that be? It’s a trick question. The answer is very.

        Start with the people you have the most nonloving feelings for. Why? Because you’ll gain the most by changing those feelings to ones of love. Why would you want to love someone who’s currently driving you mad? Simple. Because the negative thoughts & feelings you’re harbouring are only hurting one person: You.

        You’re not doing any of this for that other person. You’re doing this for you.

        Also, be sure to get around to loving your family at some point, since they’re the ones with whom we have the most complex emotional relationships.

        So, what to do:

        1. Imagine each person in front of you.
        2. Say “I love you” to that picture you’re holding of them.
        3. Let go of all tension, feelings & thoughts that arise (remember, you are the boss here, not the thoughts or feelings)
        4. Repeat until all the clutching is gone, and you genuinely feel loving towards that person

        Of course, no person is one dimensional. So go through every non-loving event that happened with that person (just whatever pops into your mind). Remember the situation, what they said, etc. Keep circling it in your mind, all the while saying “I love you” & releasing all thoughts and feelings that come up, until you feel 100% loving about that situation with that person.

        It may seem like this will take forever, but once you get into the swing of it, it goes faster and faster. I’ve waded through 20 year relationships in a half an hour while wandering around town. The reason it gets easier is because as you continue you’re becoming more and more loving towards them. That energy builds up, so stuff drops away ever quicker.

        Events

        Sometimes events may not necessarily be about a specific person. That’s ok too.

        As described above, imagine the event in as much clarity as you can. Let the feelings come up. Say “I love you” to the event; to the feelings, and let them go. Repeat until you feel nothing but love for the situation.

        A good test is if you can emphatically and honestly declare “I am so happy that happened.” Repeat until you can.

        Ourselves

        Everybody dislikes their body. Or aspects of their bodies. There’s always something. So, just think about each part of your body in turn, say “I love you” to it, and let all the resentment, dislike and ugliness we’ve been carrying around dissipate. Yes, this may take a while, but remember, you’ve probably been carrying those nonloving feelings around most of your life. Be patient with yourself.

        Unsurprisingly by now, keep going until you feel loving about every single part of yourself. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel about the world in general when you feel completely loving towards yourself.

        Abstract Concepts

        By this I mean “anything that’s hard to picture in your mind”. For example, “being lazy” or “feeling unmotivated.”

        With these, a slightly different approach is helpful. Rather than saying “I love you” – because it’s hard to connect with it – just ask yourself “Can I let ‘it’ go?” Don’t let your brain get all tied up in knots over what “it” is. What you’re trying to do. How it’s working or any of that.

        Just ask, and answer (particularly if you’re feeling adamantly opposed) “Yes.” Keep asking “Can I let ‘it’ go?” and keep answering “Yes.”

        Just saying “yes” has power. All the power you need. It puts you into a state of courageousness, since you’re making a decision, a choice. You just saying that you’re letting it go is enough to send that energy, that tension flying out of your body.

        Keep saying “yes!” and you’ll feel it all lift off and away.

        As always, keep it simple. Our brains like to complicate things, but it never helps.

        What to do if you get stuck

        If you get stuck with saying “I love you”, or you feel like it’s not shifting out, there are a couple of things you can do.

        1. Physically tap yourself over the spot where you’re feeling the clutching. That’ll shake up the energy & help it shift out.
        2. If you’re saying “I love you”, then try mixing it up with some “Can I let this go?” “Yes!”. That brings your inner power into play.
        3. If you’ve been doing all this in your head, try saying it out loud (& forcefully). A lot of times that verbalisation helps connect us much more strongly.
        4. Try injecting the word “still” or “all”, for example “I still love you”, or “can I let all of this go?” Don’t save any little bits for later.
        5. If you’re into it, feel free to draw down as much energy as you like from the universe to amp your “I love you”s the hell up. (Just imagine a bright white light coming down into your head then into whatever you’re dealing with, that’ll do the trick)
        6. Experiment. Play with it. Find what works best for you.

        How to say “I Love You”

        Ha ha, you think I’m kidding. No, I’m serious.

        I’ve talked about saying “I love you” in the past. Back then, I figured being super light hearted was the best approach. Having a light heart is great, but I’ve since learned there are ways to take that light heart and really amp up the power.

        For a start, you want to make sure you’re in a good mood before you start any of this. Good posture, a good night’s sleep, water & food will help with this, obviously. Your body is your temple (and so on).

        There are three specific energetic states that are ideal to aim for.

        • Courageousness (simply sitting up straight and emphatically repeating “Yes” will get you into this state pretty quickly)
        • Acceptance (a state of “it is what it is”. Saying that to everything in your life/mind & letting go of everything else will get you here)
        • Peace (a state of knowing. To quote The Matrix, “Don’t Think you are, Know you are.” This is a state of being – rather than thinking, worrying and so on)

        Any of these states is ideal. Peace is the most powerful. That’s when you’re fully connected to your true power. Meditation will get you there. I have to be in that state to experience my best, most loving Aikido. Peace is the flow state.

        So. Now you’re in that high, calm, place. Then start thinking about events, people and yourself.

        When you’re saying “I love you”, say it calmly, with all the attention & inner conviction you can muster. Or, if you want to, shout it with all the enthusiasm and outer conviction you can muster; that’s great too. The critical thing is just that the more you can manage to mean it, the more powerfully it will sweep all that garbage out of you.

        How do you achieve that when part of you is screaming “No, no fucking way, I do not love them”?

        Remember how you are not your mind, you’re not your body, you’re not your emotions? This is where you show them all who’s boss. Just by answering “Yes” (when your mind is screaming “No”), you take control. You are the boss. So just say it.

        Saying “Yes” is just a choice. Saying “I love you” is just a choice. The more you say it, the more true it will become, as everything non-loving disappears.

        It really is that simple. Force yourself to say it. Keep saying it. You know what will happen? Your ego will wail, complain, bitch & moan (as usual).. and then, it’ll all start to fade. We live on automatic so much, letting our emotions and thoughts push us around, so it’s easy to forget who’s really in charge.

        Remember, you’re doing this for you, not for anyone else. You’re doing it so you feel better. With that in mind, just force yourself to say (out loud if that helps) “I love you.” Then simply let all that internal noise, the physical tension, the emotional crap just float out of you.

        Why bother?

        The reason we (occasionally) feel crap is very simple. We have crappy thoughts, and crappy emotions. Let go of them, replace them with loving thoughts and emotions and what will happen? That’s right, we’ll stop feeling crappy. We’ll just feel loving, all the time. Or at the very least, a hell of a lot more of the time.

        As an added bonus, the people around you will notice. Maybe not consciously, but you will see their behaviour towards you change as you shift to only ever having loving thoughts and feelings towards them.

        Why do you think people have pets? Because everybody craves unconditional love, and animals give it. People respond to this, at an incredibly deep level.

        How much easier will it be to do your work, go about your day, to live, if all you have are loving feelings towards everything?

        Incredibly easy. Happy. Effortless. Exactly the way life is supposed to be, we just plop out on this plane and forget. So now’s the time to remember. I love you.

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          September 1, 2010

          An Unexpected Gain

          Here’s something I have no logical explanation for.

          As you may have experienced yourself, when I hit 30, I started to notice I couldn’t drink as much as I could when I was a teenager. Or rather, I could, but boy, it hurt like crazy the next day.

          So, I did some research, & figured out a strict anti-hangover regime – which in the interests of furthering the community, I will share with you now:

          1. As much water as you can possibly bear. No, more than that
          2. A good multivitamin (replaces vitamins C, B5, B6, B12 & trace minerals)
          3. Omega 3’s (to help your brain)
          4. 5-HTP (If it’s available, to offset the depressive effects)

          Take all of this BEFORE you go to sleep, & optionally  again in the morning. This basically replaces everything that the alcohol strips out of your body. Oh, & if your stomach is upset, ginger tea or ginger beer will do the trick.

          So here’s the really unexpected thing. I’ve noticed recently (last couple of months) that I can drink a LOT, go to sleep without doing ANY of the above, & wake up feeling aok.

          I’ve tested this extensively, with many different types of alcohol. I really don’t know why this is the case. No hangover, no DTs, no dry mouth, no shakes, nothing.

          All I can think is that it’s an unexpected gain from doing a metric ton of releasing. Oh, I’m also finding it super easy to find carparks, & lights always seem to go in my favour.. but that’s a whole other conversation.

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