Relationship break-ups suck. There’s no two ways about it.
However, we have to get through them. We don’t (usually) have the freedom to hide in bed for six months (or three years) until all the pain goes away.
So, what to do?
Well. I’ve had a lot of breakups in my life. So I’ve learned a bit. I’d like to share what I’ve picked up along the way.
There are two places all this pain we’re feeling comes from:
1. OUR SHIT
Things we’ve done (or didn’t do). Horrible things we’ve said. Things we should have done differently. Regrets and self-blame, in short.
2. THEIR SHIT
Horrible things they’ve said. Horrible things they’ve done.
Once you are in a relationship for any length of time these things pile up. Breakups can take years to get over, if you wait for time to slowly heal everything.
(This is also why I recommend healing everything like crazy while you’re in the relationship).
You can understand why people so often just jump into something new (the so called “rebound relationship”). To distract themselves, avoid dealing with the pain, and so on. See also booze, work and all the other usual forms of escapism.
Of course, this is kinda silly – you just take the same junk and pain with you into your new relationship. Which rarely helps.
In terms of cleaning up efficiently, aka, getting over them and getting yourself back together, it’s easiest to start with our own shit.
It’s much easier to forgive ourselves for past mistakes than to let go of perceived hurts by another. So, begin there.
For a start, everything is in the past (as long as we’re not continuing to be horrible to our now ex). We can’t change it. So, the least we can do is let go of feeling bad about the mistakes we’ve made.
Once we’re done with our own mistakes, and we feel peaceful and loving towards ourselves (regardless of how we feel about them), then we can get started on the harder side of things. Them.
See, the trouble with breakups is, unless one person is a sociopath (or otherwise broken), both people generally come out of it feeling like they got the worse deal. The most pain. The most inconvenience. The shitty end of the stick.
So, while we may think of four or five awful things we did wrong, we can easily think of dozens of things they did.
But that’s ok. It just means their side will take a little longer to work through.
HOW TO DO THIS
Oh, I almost forgot.
How to do all this?
Well, as always, forgiveness is key. In brief: imagine them in front of you, and say “I forgive you“ to them. Then, say “I’m sorry, please forgive me“ for all the things you did to hurt them (even if you have no idea what they were). Repeat until you don’t feel any emotional charge doing each of these things.
Ok, that’s the fast bit.
Now, start with all the things you did/said wrong. Take each item one at a time, focus on it, and just feel the pain rising. Usually, as this emotion comes up, there’ll be a physical component – we’ll feel it in our body, as well as the emotional/energetic component.
Next, very simply say “I love you” to the pain, and let the energy/feeling/pain go. Say “I love you” and mean it. That’s really the key.
You’re here to get rid of this pain, there’s no point being half-arsed about it.
So, call up whatever’s happened, say “I love you” and let it go. Rinse and Repeat until done.
You’ll know you’re done when there’s no more energy or emotion around the event. You’ll know you’re done when you feel peaceful or even loving about it.
Yes, this is very similar to the simple meditation I told you about.
Why should this be any surprise? We’re talking about being loving – the highest state of being – just in a very focused area, rather than your entire life.
Once you can’t think of any other ways you’ve hurt them, you’re probably done.
Next, work through the (usually larger) list of things that they’ve done to hurt you. Say “I love you” to each item and let the energy/feeling/emotion go. Keep saying “I love you” and letting it go until you’re peaceful and/or loving about it. Then move to the next thing, until you can’t think of any way they’ve hurt you that has any emotional charge left to it.
Do the forgiveness thing again (both ways) and voila. All that crappy energy is gone.
The last thing to watch for is any residual yet unidentifiable feelings. Often we’ll have just a general crappy aura towards them – without it being about any specific thing, or identifiable event. That’s ok – just focus on the feeling as before, say “I love you” and let it dissolve. You don’t have to vocalise the issue to clear it.
WHAT ABOUT THEM?
Not everyone heals their pain. Some people continue to act it out, in relationship after relationship. These are also the kinds of people that have the same relationship, over and over, with different people. The same angry controlling partners. The same fights. And so on.
So, what do you do if, mid-breakup, your ex is continuing to act out their pain towards you?
For a start, forgive them for being a dick. There’s a thousand reasons someone may not be healing things or moving on as quickly as you are. Everyone has stresses and difficulties in their lives that are difficult to understand from outside.
Secondly, there’s a secret to how relationships work. As we get to know someone, we build up a connection to them. For any relationship of any intensity or length, that connection can be very strong.
Imagine there’s a cord, running from your heart to theirs. We have these (effectively) with every person we interact with. For someone we pass in the street it’ll be thinner than a hair; for our parents it’s the kind of thing you’d anchor the Titanic with; intimate relationships are somewhere in between.
The thing with these connections is this: what affects them affects us.
How is this useful? It means that we can heal them. Not of everything (we’re not living their life, and we are not the boss of them), just of their attitudes and the energy they send towards us.
Think of it this way. Imagine this cord between you is an actual rope. If they twist their end up, we can untwist it from our end. Unless they’re aggressively and consciously retwisting it, it will stay healthy. Stay normal. Stay untwisted.
So, regarding the relationship (which remember, requires both of you) whatever you heal from your end heals their end too.
Remember, you’re not doing this for them; you’re doing it for you.
So, Extra for Experts:
Think about them. Think about something that is upsetting them about you (they’ve probably told you. Several times). Focus in on that feeling in them. How it would feel for them. How upset they’d be. Say “I love you” and let the tension/energy/feeling go. Keep saying “I love you” until all that tension is gone.
If you think through all the things they’ve said have upset them, you can quickly go through and lift all this tension off.
What you’re doing here is removing negative energy that’s being aimed at you. Yes, it will help them feel better (and thus treat you nicer), but really, it’s you being the boss of your experience, being the boss of your life.
Now, depending on the intensity of the relationship, there might be a half dozen things, or (as happened to me recently) there could be a few hundred. It’s ok, there’s no rush.
Some relationships I’ve come out of and been fine within a couple of days. Some have taken weeks. Some months or even years (before I had these techniques).
Trust me on one thing though. This way? Forgiving and loving? It’s exponentially faster than any other method I’ve found.
Better yet? What you’re actually doing is healing these issues. Which means when you do finally feel you’re ready to jump back in the saddle, you won’t be attracting the same kind of yo-yos into your life. Sorry, did I say that? I meant, the universe won’t need to bring you those same lessons, because you will have learned (healed) them already.
You’ll move up. To someone so much better, so much more perfect for you.
And until they do turn up? You’ll be peaceful, loving and much, much happier.