si dawson

experiments in self-improvement

Category: healing

August 10, 2008

You Are Responsible For Your Parents (.. And Their Parents..)

Who cares who’s right about Nature vs Nurture? The bottom line is – our parents affect us.

Genetically, it’s pretty obvious. Your parents are tall? You play basketball. They’re black? It’s a pretty safe bet (although not 100%, amusingly enough) that you are too, and so on.

Emotionally (or environmentally/sociologically), it’s a little more complex.

And, if you stop to think about it – given that your parents also pass on genetic proclivities to our brains – intelligence, disposition, behaviours, and so on, it’s a complicated mess we have to try and unravel.

After all, who really is in control of our lives? Us, or them?

But wait, there’s more. Where did they get their lives from? Well, their parents, of course, and so on back up the tree.

So, in summary: Our lives are (at least initially) a result of our ancestors.

Do we want to take back control? Do we want to make choices, and not just be driven by this history? Do we actually want complete free will to lead the life we want to?

Well, if so, we’re going to have to take responsibility. A lot of it.

Not just for ourselves, but also for our parents. Not for their lives (after all, that’s their job), but for the influence they’ve had, and continue to have, on us.

famdamily.jpg
image by M Bowman

One of the things that has become abundantly clear to me is how often issues I’m trying to heal in myself really aren’t mine. I’ve learned them, or had them passed on, from one or other (or both) of my parents (and back in time to them).

Now, sure, you can heal everything that’s happened in your life – but a lot of times it ends up like that old tale of heroically fishing bodies out of a river – what you really need to do is go upstream & find who’s throwing them in.

I’ll give you an example.

One thing I’ve worked on a bit is a definite need for approval. Particularly from the women in my life. This has been noticeable, and, on occasion, actually driven women I’ve cared about away. *ouch* Now, I took this to be because when I was growing up, I never felt like my mother loved me – the important point here being, how I felt, not how she actually behaved or whether she did or not. Once I had healed, I was able to see that of course she loved me – or, as she put it when I talked to her about it later “Are you crazy? You’re my first born son!!”

However, this need for approval, while lessened, hadn’t completely disappeared. Hmm, interesting. What to do, what to do?

Then, this week, I heard a very interesting story. My grandmother’s mother (on my Mum’s side), well, her mother was very young when she had her, so she was raised by her grandmother, not her mother. Keeping up? My great-grandmother was raised by my great-great-great-grandmother. Yep, it’s a pretty great story alright. Ha ha, I’m here all week, try the veal.

Imagine that though. The girl you think is your sister is actually your mother. The woman you think is your mother is actually your grandmother. Hmm. Would you ever actually truly know a mother’s love? Would you feel like something was missing from your life? I tell you, that’s crazy.

Of course, I heard this, a big lightbulb went off in my head, and I immediately went and healed on this. How? As if I was my great-grandmother. Why? Because part of me is. Genetically, big duh there. But more than that. I believe energetically a lot of stuff is passed down. But whether you believe that or not, it’s hard to argue against habits & beliefs being passed down from mother to daughter after a significant life event like that.

I’ve chosen to do similar things with every significant event I’ve heard about – from my parents & back up the tree. I’m not healing them specifically, what I am doing is healing their effect over me. I’m regaining control over my life. I’m removing the echoes from older generations, and replacing them with conscious choices about exactly the life I choose to live.

If or when I have kids, I’d be pleased if they did exactly the same thing about me – although yes, I’m aware of both the likelihood of rebellion, and the recursive irony of such a desire – I want them to choose to make the same choice I did to make their own choices to.. uhh.. oh forget it!

Regardless, the bottom line is this: If we truly want 100% freedom within our lives, it’s necessary to not only consider our immediate history, but that of our parents and ancestors too.

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    August 9, 2008

    How To Kick A Bad Habit In 2 Minutes

    So here’s a quick trick I learned recently.

    It’s using Neuro Linguistic Programming. But don’t worry about that, it’s super simple.

    I was shown this in terms of breaking bad shopping habits, but I figured, since I’m trying out a couple of weeks of 100% raw, why not use it on food places around town that I’ve developed emotional affection for, but that aren’t necessarily the healthiest for me, if-you-know-what-I-mean.

    So, here’s the drill:

    1. Think of the habit you’re trying to kick. Get really excited about it. As you do, squeeze your left thumb & fore finger together.
    2. Repeat 1 with as many similar habits as you can. Eg, I just went around all the food places I wanted to stop lusting after. Do this until simply squeezing your fingers together brings up the desire.
    3. Now, think of something you would never buy, no matter what. Something that fills you with utter disgust. The more outraged and digusted you are the better.
    4. Make this disgusting image as big as possible in your mind, so it completely overwhelms you (yeah, puke! puke!). Then, as it maxes out, squeeze your left thumb & forefinger together tightly.

    Do this process as many times as you like, until the very thought of the things you craved before leaves you with a feeling of discomfort.

    Total time it took me? Oh, about 2 minutes. So far, in the three days since I did this, I haven’t had a single positive thought towards any of these places. In fact, I find it difficult to even think about them. My brain just isn’t interested.

    Nifty!

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      August 2, 2008

      Breaking Up Is So… Easy To Do?

      I’ve just broken up from a two & a bit year relationship.

      Normally these things are incredibly painful. This time was very different though, so I’d like to talk about it a little.

      I’ve had a few serious relationships in this life, so I’ve got a pretty good handle on how these things generally go for me:

      • Three to six months of random unprovoked crying & misery
      • Lots of various forms of self destructive behaviour (alcohol, mostly)
      • Depression & general feelings of worthlessness, loneliness

      broken_heart.gif

      This time though, ohhhh, completely different.

      Very little pain, almost no tears, no depression, no self-destruction (unless you count a couple of cups of coffee). Aloneness, obviously, but no loneliness.

      What’s changed? Well, here’s what I did (and continue to do):

      • Every time I’ve thought about my ex, I’ve released on the thought
      • Every time emotions (even ones I can’t specifically pinpoint) have become overwhelming, I’ve tapped them out.

      I admit this is, uhh, a little aggressive, but there are two ways you can do any breakup – short & sharp, or long & drawn out. I choose the former.

      I’ve talked about releasing before (here), but to recap: I imagine the thought or feeling inside me, then just let it go. I imagine it floating up out of me. This is something I got to practice a lot with the juice feast I was on since it’s also super useful for food cravings. In terms of repetitive thought patterns, this kills them dead. A lot of the time there would be a sudden rush of emotion, some very brief (5-10 seconds of) crying, and then gone. It’s the hanging on to pain that amplifies it, with this it disappears before it can grow into something worse.

      In terms of the tapping (EFT – lots more on my site there), a lot of times I didn’t even tap on anything specific – I just tapped while letting my mind churn away. This just helped even out my energy field (and hence emotions), and calm everything the hell down.

      After all, where does most of the pain of a breakup come from?

      1. Emotional trauma (from things said & done)
      2. Negative memories
      3. Self-inflicted repetitive thought patterns (obsessing over the past)

      If you get rid of those, what’s left?

      Well, the acid test, as always, is how things are when you next see the ex. And the proof? I spent a day with her this week, and the only negative thing that occurred was me saying a few stupid nasty things, from a habit I had left over of wanting those who’ve caused me pain to suffer. Once I realised what was happening I tapped it the hell out, but really, that was it. And, unsurprisingly, once I’d tapped out the habit, it disappeared instantly & everything was fine between us. Yes, I explained & apologised, of course.

      And the rest of the day? I was calm as a hindu cow. Inside & out. No negative thoughts, no negative emotions, nothing. After she’d left, I cried for half an hour – realising I was going to miss her, but some tapping & just releasing all the emotion that came up, and I felt great again.

      Now, to be fair, there are a couple of situations I can think of that I’m not sure how I would deal with yet:

      1. Finding out that I’d been lied to about something serious, for example, that she’d slept with someone else while we were involved (or very shortly after)
      2. When she gets involved with someone new

      But really, I suspect these will involve maybe five minutes of tapping each, and they’ll be gone too. So, frankly, if they are going to happen, the sooner the better.

      What’s a good litmus test going forward? We’ve been broken up for a week or two now, and I only think about her maybe 20-30 times a day – this is with continued contact. Given how closely involved we were (24 hours a day for 2 years – living & working together), I probably would have thought about her at least every 5 minutes – particularly once you include the many fleeting thoughts that spin through our minds (how often do you think aboutt someone while you’re talking to them?) .. So once every half an hour or so (if that) is a huge step forward.

      I’ll continue releasing & healing. I’m damn sure things will drop away to nothing, or near nothing, very, very quickly.

      Now, this doesn’t mean I’m ready to jump back on the horse (uhh, so to speak) just yet. It is still important for me to re-ground, re-centre & get comfortable with who I am as an individual again. However, in terms of speedy & painless resolutions, this has surprised the hell out of me.

      I don’t want to hide from the world. I feel calm & positive about myself, my future.. and my ex. It’s far better than I ever could have imagined. It’s a whole new way of being.

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        July 23, 2008

        I’m a Recovering Struggle-a-holic.. Are You?

        I was thinking things over last night, and had one of those “once in a lifetime realisations”:

        I’m addicted to struggling. I like to struggle. I want to struggle.

        struggle.jpg
        pic by Ahmad Kavousian

        I want things to be difficult, to have to tough things out.

        Now, I suspect this comes from a combination of “anything worthwhile takes effort” & the feeling of accomplishment that comes from overcoming ridiculous odds.

        But really, who cares why? The important thing is to get it the hell out of my life.

        And, mostly, I’ve done that, using a combination of releasing & EFT. There’s still some residual stuff there, but it’s much lighter. How do I know there’s some left? When I went to the bank today it took 45 minutes & 3 different tellers for what is usually a 10 minute exercise. That’s struggling.

        Realising that this has been such a deep belief of mine has put everything in my life into extreme focus. So many of the difficulties, the pain, the hardship. I realise now the vast majority (if not all) of them were self created. Fortunately, they don’t have to be. I decide what I believe, so I can change that.

        Really interestingly, today I saw for the first time, all these situations where I’m making things harder for myself. Instinctive choices I’m about to make that wind things up instead of down, make things harder instead of easier. The beauty is as I make those different choices, I can, finally, see things smoothing out before me.

        So ask yourself. Is your life as smooth as it could be? Maybe?

        To get to the point where I was able to admit this to myself has taken a couple of years – again, that’s me struggling. For you? I hope the answer comes much quicker, and is a resounding “Hell No!”

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          July 22, 2008

          The "I Love You" Game

          We really are our own worst enemy.

          The little voice inside our head, criticising, judging, constantly questioning.

          So what to do about it? Well, there are many ways – meditating, becoming more present, releasing, eft, you name it.

          Here’s a fun way that I’ve discovered helps build self-acceptance, and lessen that voice.

          I did this while walking about town, so it’s not the kind of thing that you need to be super-attentive to, or block out time to do.

          Now, normally when this little voice starts up – our instinct is to suppress it. Ignore it. Now try doing the exact opposite. Call it up. See what it has to say.

          So, if it comes up with “You’re lazy”? That’s great! Just sing back to it “I love you, lazy [whatever-your-name-is]” – and mean it!

          I use a silly sing-song voice when I do it – it just keeps things light, stops me getting too serious about it all.

          Then, just keep telling that part of you that you love it until it stops telling you this thing. Next, see what other little voices have nasty things to say. Once you open the floodgates, you’ll find there’s a ton there, but by giving them unconditional love, you dissolve them. You regain your power, and you see them for what they truly are, not these big fearful truths at all, but just your tiny ego, trying to get attention in any way it can.


          pic by misssmile

          It sounds crazy, but once you get into it, it’s actually a whole lot of fun, and the relief that comes is.. indescribable.

          It really is true what they say “Love kills the demon”.

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