si dawson

experiments in self-improvement

Category: healing

Are You Allowed To Be Happy?

I realised something yesterday.

I’m not allowed to be happy.

Now, since I’m the one creating my life, what this actually translates to is I’m not allowing myself to be happy.

What the… ? How did that happen?!?

A lot of it is upbringing – we’re taught things, for better or worse. Don’t do this, make sure you do that…

Some things we may rebel against (sex, drinking,..) and with that rebellion comes a certain illicit enjoyment.

Others we may not, and so crossing those lines brings guilt, regret, anguish.

On top of that, I know I’ve set up conditions for myself. I can’t be happy if… (I’m too lazy, too poor, single…)

Well! It’s hardly surprising I wasn’t happy. If I’m waiting for my life to be perfect – and, while we’re on the subject, what IS perfection anyway? Meeting some entirely arbitrary list of criteria? Most of which I was barely conscious I was even creating? Well, that’s not going to happen in a hurry, now is it?

So, first order of the day:

Find these conditions and dump them!


pic by LightSpectral

Ok, so how to do that? Try finding a quiet spot, and letting your mind automatically fill the end of these sentences. Just start saying them with the expectation that something will fall out, and see what comes up. You may be very surprised (I know I was)!

I can’t be happy because…
I can’t be happy until..
I’m not allowed to be happy because..
It’s only right I should suffer because..
I should be unhappy because..
I’m sad because..
I won’t be happy unless..

You get the idea. Whatever comes up – clear it out – in whatever way works for you. Personally, I use releasing (sedona method), eft, and a bunch of other energy techniques.. but that’s just what I’ve found works best for me. You find what works for you – realising you have these ingrained belief systems is the first, but hardest step.

And you know? It’s a strange thing, but even in the last day or so I’d say I feel 40-50% lighter. Clearer. Calmer, and yes, much, much happier.

The important thing to realise is this: We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. Not anyone else. Not our partners, our bosses, our family. You may have no control whatsoever over your immediate surroundings, but you are the only person who has the say in how you react to what happens around you. You decide how much you’re going to let things affect you or not.

The great news is, even if your life seems utterly miserable, you can change yourself, and thus your happiness.. and I guarantee you, as your attitude changes, all those little things around you that have been bothering you for so long will almost magically change as well.

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    Gall Bladder Cleanse – Don’t Do What I Did

    [If you’re squeamish, don’t read this]

    I’d been reading a bit about gall bladder cleanses on Give It To Me Raw, and thought “Hey, why not give that a go?”

    So I did.


    mMMmm nummy! No, mine doesn’t look like this (I’d be in extreme pain if it did).

    I did a bunch of research, read about 20 different ways to do it, and figured out what would work for me, and went ahead and got stuck in.

    Most of the suggestions involve drinking olive oil + lemon (or grapefruit) juice in the evening, lying on your right hand side with your right knee up, for half an hour, then going to sleep.

    So, here’s what not to do:

    1. Don’t figure “Why wait till evening? I’ll start now!” (2pm in the afternoon). Otherwise you’ll be up all night, uhh, running back & forth. This is not as much fun as it sounds.
    2. Also, there’s a good chance you’ll spend the rest of the day burping olive oil. This is REALLY gross. If you’re asleep, of course, you won’t notice.
    3. Generally the idea is not to eat all day, then drink the gunk in the evening. I’ve been having psyllium shakes (couple of teaspoons psyllium husk shaken up in water) early in the morning. To me, that’s liquid, so no problem, right? Ahh, my body thinks otherwise. Apparently this is a solid. Big problem. Blocks you up inside, so the gall stones can’t flush out as easily. I spent most of the rest of the day feeling pretty ill. I have a sneaking suspicion this also lead to me throwing up, later in the piece.
    4. I’m a curious guy, but still not curious enough to sift through my “produce”. So leaving the light on is a good idea, because otherwise it’s going to be pitch black when you go rushing in there & you’ll never get to see the results of all your glorious efforts. Once you’re sitting, there’s no way in hell you’re getting up again. And once you’ve finished, there’s no way in hell you’re leaving that evil stuff lying around even long enough to get to the light & back.

    And here’s what did kind of work:

    1. I had 2 cups (500ml) of olive oil with 2 cups of lemon juice & the juice of a grapefruit. All things considered, that didn’t taste too bad (although I did skull it down). I think the grapefruit really softened the taste.
    2. Taking tiny licks of honey in between gulping sessions helped too. I managed to get the entire litre (quart) all down in about 5 minutes.
    3. Gargling with mouthwash was the only thing I found that reliably took the olive oil burps away (I tried apple, pineapple juice, water).

    Annnnd, some other notes, that you probably don’t want to know.

    1. Plan on being very busy. I lost count after 14 visits, oh, and threw up three times (I think about the 13th visit). Interestingly, I didn’t throw up any oil (I would have tasted it), just the pineapple juice & water I’d taken several hours after the oil, to try and rehydrate a bit and take the olive oil taste away.
    2. The next morning my skin really smelt. Not like I’ve ever smelt it before, and very unusual. Definite “uh oh, time for a shower” stuff. I’d guess I was detoxing stuff out through my pores too.
    3. As mentioned above, I kept forgetting to switch the light on, so didn’t really get to have a quick look & see how it went in terms of stones, but once most of the action was gone & things had calmed down a bit I did remember to switch it on, and the next couple of visits saw many things like that looked exactly the size, colour & shape of peas, floating in the bowl.
    4. The first couple of visits were pretty unusual, and definitely felt like I was clearing some large bulbous things. No way in hell was I gonna go looking for them though!!

    All in all, pretty much like giving birth to a litter of alien face-huggers.

    So, for all the excitement, it looks like I did successfully clear SOMETHING(S) out of my system. Some people mention feeling incredible soon after. I must say I just feel worn out. Ahh, I don’t think I’ll be doing it again in any hurry though *cough*. Heh. Just… No.

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      Recovering from a Juice Feast

      First of all – a disclaimer. I ain’t a juice feastin’ expert. I can only talk about my own experience.

      And so I shall!

      Ok, some background – why did I do a juice feast in the first place? Spiritual clarity, essentially. In the process of weeding my emotional garden, I knew that the lighter my food intake, the more detoxing I’d do, the more things would come up, and the more I could heal. Did juice feasting help with this? Definitely.


      Yes, I drank this much green juice.

      Now, what did I do? I juice feasted – which means drinking at least 4L (4qt) of mainly vegetable juice, every day. I did this for 30 something days. After that, I went straight into a water fast (hey! why not? In for a penny, in for a pound!).

      While I was doing the juice feast, I had colonics every week (more on those later) – which helped enormously, btw. Did I manage to just drink juice the entire time? No, I “screwed up” on several occasions. Oh, I also drank psyllium & bentonite shakes several times daily for most of that time. Theoretically that should have helped clean me out. Did I notice anything? Not that I could tell. Between the shakes and sporadic eating, I suspect my digestive system never really got to the super calm, clear state that people talk about – but in terms of healing, ahhh, hehe, yeah, it was plenty intense enough, thankyouverymuch.

      So, what have I learned coming off the feast?

      1. It’s VERY easy to overeat.
      Even though I’m not 100% my digestive system ever completely switched off, I find pretty much every time I eat that my stomach is hurting afterwards. I never ate much to start with, but I think I’m going to have to start making half portions – ie, about half the size of a child’s meal.

      2. It’s VERY easy to underdrink.
      Normally I drink 4-5L (4-5qt) of water a day. I have a big glass, and I just sip it throughout the day. When juicing, I’d drink maybe 2L of water a day, but 4L of juice. Take the juice away, and it’s been hard to remind myself to start upping the water again. This has, of course, messed up my ability to digest food (I’ve been more clogged up than I would be on water).

      3. The “6 day feast breaking” is wayyyyy too short.
      I’ve been off for two weeks now, and my body is still freaking out every time I eat anything. It’s not over after 6 days, that’s just the beginning of the adjustment.

      4. You’re going to be drinking juice for much longer than time+6 days.
      When I finished, I was all with the “Thank God!! I am SO sick of juice!!”. Ahhh, famous last words. It’s not just the feast breaking time, but also with a shrunken stomach, so reduced food intake, where will your nutrients come from? Juicing is still the easiest way to get them – without messing up your system. Psychologically this has been realllly tough for me to realise & accept. Must. Keep. Juicing.

      5. Hard food is bad.
      Even two weeks later, I can feel that my body is not ready for hard to digest food. Eg, I’ll juice celery, but I haven’t put it in my salads yet. I’ll blend (small amounts of soft) nuts, but not eat them raw, and so on.

      6. Your tastes will change, drastically.
      I just threw out all the toxic stuff in my house. I had a mouthful of something that had stabilizers, emulsifiers etc and instantly felt ill. Now I’m someone with a concrete stomach lining, so this is pretty unusual. Also, things that I used to like are just too sweet for me now. Kale, I can’t get enough of (never used to be able to stand it). Wuhhh.. what just happened?

      7. The healing hasn’t stopped.
      Several issues *cough*likethisone*cough* have continued to bubble up as I’ve been transitioning. I figured everything would just halt, but noooo, still more to go, food-in-my-belly or not

      8. Pace yourself!
      All those things you’ve been missing while on the juice? Ahhh, pace yourself. Think, as Kristen points out in terms of a couple of different things a week. Don’t do what I did, which was have all those things I’d missed in one day. *OW*. Yeah, it’s stupid, I figured that (eventually). I like to learn experientially. Thanks though.

      All that said, it’s great to be back eating again. I’ve missed textures. I’ve missed subtle combinations of flavours (instead of everything-blurred-together-soup). Oh, and I’ve missed body fat. Holy crap I need some – it’s winter here!! What was I thinking?

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        Food is not Love – but Love is food

        Going on a 30 something day juice feast totally kicked my ass.

        I admit it. I was miserable pretty much the entire time.

        Worse though was afterwards. I decided to finish by going from juice onto a 4 day water fast (which was easier, oddly). That was ok. However, once the transition back to normal food was done (the usual 6+ day gradual dietary speedup), things have gone completely bonkers.

        I’ve eaten more junk than I have in years. Today alone I had four meals, and another meal’s worth of snacking. I’ve eaten until my stomach hurts, and then kept eating (and been doing this for days). To give this a little perspective, I normally eat only one or two small meals a day. I have a fast metabolism, but don’t need much food to keep me going.

        And this whole time, I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on. I’ve thrown all my usual healing tools (EFT, reiki, releasing, etc) at it, to no avail.

        The fasting was tough, true. Having my partner out of town on business for the last two months hasn’t been easy either (particularly since the previous two years we spent pretty much 24/7 together). But still, this was insane!

        What the hell has been happening?

        Well, I think I just found out. The inimitable Dhrumil pointed me to a quote from Mama S, of Give It To Me Raw:

        Food is not Love

        You know what? I read that and immediately burst out crying. I didn’t stop for five minutes. In fact, I think I cried more & deeper than the whole time I was fasting – and considering what a wreck I was most of the time, that’s saying something. I released/healed a ton of stuff while I was crying, and now? Well, it’s odd, but the urge to eat seems to have disappeared.

        A lot more things make sense too.

        I grew up in a large, not particularly well off family. Mum didn’t necessarily have as much time to spend with each of us as if we’d had a smaller family, & we may not have been able to keep up with the Jones (literally, they had a really nice car & a great computer), but we always ate well. It was one key way that Mum expressed her love for us, through food.

        I think, at some level, I picked up on that, and solidified it as a core internal belief. A connection.

        It maybe also explains why the juicing was so hard for me – if I was denying myself solid food – but interpreting that as denying myself love? Yowser!

        and yet, oddly, the reverse IS true:

        Love is Food

        Love is the deepest nourishment of all. All beings instinctively crave it, from the second they’re born. And what is love anyway, but energy? So why the appeal of raw food? It has more energy, more love. At some level, whether we’re aware of it or not, our bodies know this, we feel it. The closer the food is to living, the closer it is to loving. It really is that simple.

        Or at least, having cried my lungs out half the evening, that’s how I feel about it right now.. And that sure beats eating myself into pain.

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