si dawson

experiments in self-improvement

Category: healing

March 4, 2013

The Four Horsemen Of The Relationship Apocalypse

Many moons ago, I heard about a researcher who’d figured out how to predict with 94% accuracy whether a marriage would end in divorce.

Needless to say, this immediately piqued my curiosity (not 93%, not 95%, but 94%? Turns out, it was actually 93.6%)

I read a bit further, and his basic approach was this:

  1. He’d invite couples into his lab
  2. They would write down half a dozen issues they could never agree on
  3. He start a video camera
  4. He’d then pick an issue and they’d talk about it

After 15 mins, he’d stop the camera, and almost universally the response would be “What?!? It can’t have been fifteen minutes. We only just got started.”

See, what he realised was – in terms of relationship survival, it doesn’t really matter how we are when everything’s going well. What really matters, long term, is how we behave when things turn to shit.

And the issues that would provide constant pressure throughout a relationship were those things that could never be resolved. Your mother is an ogre and makes his life a misery. He lives for football and you can’t stand it. You know, the basics.

What Dr John Gottman discovered was that there were four attributes that indicated almost universal death for any relationship.

He named these behaviours “The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse.”

They are (in no particular order):

 

Criticism

This is easy to spot. If you’re stating a complaint in terms of an attack on the other person, or a defect in their personality? That’s criticism. Giving the other person negative trait attributes is not constructive, it just escalates the conflict.

Here’s the secret: Telling people things that are shitty about them will never, ever make them change. It’ll make them hide those behaviours, or lie to you, or leave. Mostly though, it’ll just make them feel like crap.

You really want them to change? Praise them when they do the opposite thing, the thing you actually want.

The antidote to criticism is, if you have to raise an issue? Complain.

A complaint is about a specific event. It’s aimed at the action, not the person – and the difference is critical. Criticism is global, about the person’s character or personality.

 

CONTEMPT

Contempt is a bit more interesting. It turns out this is the single best predictor of divorce.

Contempt covers anything which expresses disgust for your partner. Some examples: eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, condescension, mockery and hostile humour (“You’re such an idiot”).

The crazy thing? You can turn down the sound on a video of someone expressing contempt for their partner, and just count the contemptuous body language motions, and it will be an excellent predictor for how many infectious illnesses the receiving partner will experience in the next four years.

Contempt doesn’t just kill your relationship, it quite literally kills the other person too.

The antidote to contempt is appreciation. If you let everything else go in your relationship, and do nothing but appreciate the hell out of that person? That’ll fix almost anything. It’s incredibly powerful.

(No huge surprise to long time readers of this blog, of course: Love heals? Whodda thunk it?)

Here’s a great video on contempt:

 

DEFENSIVENESS

This is a knee-jerk response to criticism or complaint.

It’s a way of saying “it’s not me, it’s you.”

This is expressed through making excuses, shifting blame onto the other person, or denying responsibility. Defensiveness wards off a perceived attack.

The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility (as ugly and difficult as that can be at times).

 

STONEWALLING

Stonewalling is a tough one. This is where one person more or less completely ignores the other. They emotionally withdraw from interaction; refuse to acknowledge the other person exists, let alone talk about an issue, and so on.

This generally only happens after a period of time, when one partner has “given up” or started to tune the other out completely.

The antidote to stonewalling is (pretty obviously) to engage. Any communication, even painful and shitty, is better than no communication at all.

Do I have anything more to add? Well Dr Gottman has spent forty years studying this stuff. His solutions (antidotes he likes to call them) are listed above in blue.

He also recommends three things to avoid in any fight:

  1. Saying “You never…”
  2. Saying “You always…” (because these are both blanket condemnations)
  3. Anything insulting or acting superior

Any of Dr Gottman’s videos are worth watching.

Other than that? All the usual. Don’t communicate via text, if you can possible help it. Be patient. Say less than you think. Heal everything.

Oh, and good luck. Take it one day at a time. Just try to be a little better today than you were yesterday. Over time, those little daily improvements add up to  disproportionately powerful outcomes.

 

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    November 5, 2012

    The Power Of Speech

    No, I’m not talking Martin Luther King type of speech (although that was pretty damn powerful), I’m just talking about regular old day-to-day speech.

    Pretty obviously, our actions are more powerful than words.

    Similarly, our words are more powerful than our thoughts.

    The problem is, for those of us who are of a *cough* slightly more loquacious nature, oftentimes our words are more or less exactly our thoughts.

    Now, I’m not quite in the “blurt before thinking” category, but I have, historically, talked a lot.

    Here’s where this is a problem.

    A lot of crap just doesn’t need to be talked about.

    Two examples from my experience:

    1. I’m in a relationship with someone, and something is bothering me.

    Why would I talk about it? To look for insight or emotional support; to try to resolve it, together; To try and subtly bully them into changing (dopey, I know); to get sympathy.

    2. To prove how difficult or painful my life is. Ie, how much I’m suffering.

    Why the hell would I do this? In short: looking for approval/love. I discovered I had a very deep pattern of using personal suffering to (try to) gain love & support.

    The thing is, in both these cases – I’m upset. As always, the issue is never the cause, it’s my reaction.

    In other words: rather than talking about it (and spreading our misery), it’s a lot more productive to get down to the root cause (almost never the person who’s standing in front of us) and get rid of that, not the seeming immediate stimulus.

    At Burning Man, there’s a saying: “You don’t always get what you want, but you always get what you need.”

    I’m starting to think this is exactly how life is all the time, not just out on the playa.

    Case in point.

    A friend recently called me out on exactly this situation. I was upset, and she pulled me up one day and said “Look, you can’t talk to me about this stuff.”

    At the time my immediate reaction was pretty negative, “What the hell? A friendship without emotional support?!?”

    The thing is, she was bang on the money.

    The message could perhaps have been phrased differently – but I’ve eventually heard and understood what she meant.

    All I was doing by talking about my internal emotional upheaval was making two people miserable, instead of just one.

    This is particularly silly given that for me, “misery” is usually extremely short lived – I pull out my tools, I dump the issue and ten minutes later I’m feeling great again (in the vast majority of cases).

    There’s a slightly more subtle issue too.

    If someone on TV says something offensive about you (“People who voted for him are idiots”), well, it’s pretty easy to discount.

    If, however, someone close to you – a partner or family member – says the exact same thing, it can really hurt.

    What’s the difference? The level of energetic openness and connection between you. By opening ourselves to someone, we choose to make ourselves vulnerable.

    The tradeoff (and why we do this) is, the more we open our hearts the deeper and richer the tapestry we can create together. The more beautiful the relationship has the chance of becoming.

    Either way, it’s a choice, and they’re vulnerable.

    So, saying nonloving things to someone who’s opened themselves to us causes far more pain than saying it to (say) a random stranger on the street.

    Why on earth would we consciously want to cause pain in someone we love?

    We should save our speech for adding value to the lives of those around us. Save it for being loving, supportive, encouraging.

    If it’s our crap, we should deal with it, not smear it around.

    As is so often the case, I more or less figured this out years ago.

    Some lessons, it would seem, need to be learned a couple of times from a couple of different angles before they really sink in.

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      November 5, 2012

      Detecting and Dispersing Disapproval

      Disapproval is a subtle one.

      It’s often harder to detect than anger – its shouty, ranty cousin.

      It slips under our radar, disquised as a “but” at the end of another otherwise loving sentence.

      • “I love my girlfriend but…”
      • “We have a great life but…”

      or perhaps an “if only”:

      • “I’d love her so much more if only…”
      • “We’d be much happier if only…”

      This is disapproval.

      As I’ve been continuing to clear up a recent (now ex) relationship, I realised – I was wrong before.

      Or rather – I didn’t have the complete picture.

      It’s not only resentment that kills relationships. It’s disapproval too.

      Resentment is easy to see. It’s big. It’s obvious. Every argument you have – that’s resentment.

      Disapproval can easily masquerade as a background wistfulness. A quiet wish for something different, better, other. A thought ignored.

      But disapproval leads to a withholding of love.

      It’s conditional love.

      “I’d love you more if…”

      It’s trying to change the other person (which never really works). It’s trying to control them (always a bad idea). It’s judgemental.

      Only once you’ve let go of disapproval can you move into acceptance. Into a true state of lovingness.

      So, how do we do this?

      It’s actually pretty easy.

      Just say to yourself “I disapprove of [their name]…” and watch how your brain fills in the gap:

      • “I disapprove of [them] when they…”
      • “I disapprove of their…”
      • “I wish they’d…”
      • “I’d love them more if they…”

      Whatever your mind fills in, just repeat it, and let it go. Let the accompanying energy go (you’ll feel tightness or pressure – stress energy, if you will, when you say it).

      Keep doing it until you don’t care about that issue any more. Then try the starter phrase (or another) again, and see what else comes up.

      Doing this with my recent relationship, I was utterly shocked at how many things I uncovered. I think I’m finally understanding why she left. Who’d want to stick around if they could feel that much negative energy firing at them?

      And this was despite me consciously choosing and working damn hard at (ie, dropping my own crap so I could be) loving her as much as I possibly could.

      Wow.

      There’s a little bit of Mr Gate Closer Horse McBolterson going on here, but the way I figure it – if I’m having those thoughts about her, well, I’m sure I’m also having them about other people…

      …like myself?

      And once again, we come back to our most important relationship.

      The one we have with ourselves.

      Have a go. Get quiet, say the phrases above (but aimed at yourself) and see what your brain fills in.

      • “I disapprove when I…”
      • “I disapprove that I haven’t…”
      • “I disapprove that I…”
      • “I disapproving of my…”
      • “I disapproving of how I handled…”
      • “I disapprove that I never…”

      If it’s anything like my experience, you’ll be alternately shocked – and then relieved once it’s gone. You’ll know it’s gone when you can say the exact same phrase and feel no reaction at all.

      When you can say all of the phrases above and have your brain add nothing? That’s when you know you’re getting really clear.

      Ever wonder why you feel crappy half the time for no particular reason? Yeah. It’s internal noise like this. It doesn’t help.

      Fortunately, just bringing it into the light is really all that needs be done to get rid of it. You could use EFT if you feel like something needs a solid bash, but generally just letting it go is enough.

      What’s the advantage to dumping disapproval?

      Well, we’re all looking for approval (love). Once we let go of disapproving of ourselves, it leaves the gate open for us to unconditionally love ourselves. That self-love becomes effortless and automatic, instead of an ongoing daily battle.

      It’s also always, always a much better idea to be self-loving than be looking to others to provide this approval. After all, we’re the only ones who will be with us every second for the rest of our lives.

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        October 20, 2012

        What To Do When Life Kicks You In The Balls

        Sometimes, life can really harsh your mellow.

        As a friend of mine recently described “It feels like I’m getting a hole kicked in my chest every 6 hours.”

        Wow. Yes.

        If you have no idea what I mean by this, well, I’m damn happy for you. It sucks. No-one should have to experience this kind of pain. Unfortunately though, many of us do.

        Now, depending on how hard these situations hit us, our motivation can go from normal to death level. So, it’s less about what we SHOULD do, and more about what we CAN do. If you can’t even lift your head off the floor (yes, I’ve been there), then recommending that we go do some exercise isn’t going to help.

        We may need to work our way up to standing before we go for that five mile jog.

        To that end, here’s a list of suggested approaches. If you’re feeling only slightly crap, then you could start with the first one – it’ll give you the biggest bang for your buck.

        If you’re not up to that, it’s ok, just work down the list until you find something you can do. It’ll help. It all helps. When you’re feeling better, you can work your way back up the list to number 1.

        Oh, and if you’re feeling up to doing any given item, then you should be able to easily do everything below it on the list too. Again, it all helps.

        The only thing that matters is getting you feeling good again, as soon as possible.

         

        1. Release it all

        Emotional or psychic pain usually has a physical component – often in our stomach or chests. They’re just feelings. They’re coming up because they want to leave.

        Imagine a big balloon way above your house. Send all the pain there – not angrily, not defensively; authoritatively. Give it a name “the hole kicked in my chest”; “this shit I’m dealing with”; (or whatever best describes it, succinctly). Tap your karate chop point and say its name to help connect with the feeling. Welcome it all up & send it out until it’s done & gone.

        Then blow up the balloon.

        Here’s the thing – it all ties together. You get rid of the physical, the emotional goes with it too. Our systems (physical, emotional, mental, energetic) are incredibly sympathetic.

         

        2. EFT
        Don’t worry about saying anything. When things are this rough, you don’t need to. Just do three full rounds. Drink some water. That’ll help damp it all down and get the energy moving out, take the edge off. That’s the absolute worst case. More likely, it’ll get you feeling better, calmer – and damn quickly.

         

        3. Tap your karate chop point
        If EFT feels like too much work (or, say, you can’t even lift your head off the pillow), then just tap your karate chop point.

        Here’s my friend Rod, being happy & tapping his karate chop point

        (Rod’s at Tap4Health. I’ve worked with him, he kicks ass)

        Do that for a few minutes. Seems like bullshit, but it will help. It all helps.

         

        4. Take care of your body
        Drink some water. Have a multivitamin, and, ideally, a 5HTP if you have any around (it’ll get your seretonin back to normal levels). You know, just help your physical body. I suppose if you were feeling enthusiastic you could also go do some exercise. Go to the gym. Go punch something. Anything to get a sweat up. That’ll help too.

        What’s the deal with exercise? Well, apart from the endorphins etc that are kicked up, using your muscles is the only way for your lymphatic system to flush itself clean. Why is this important? Coz your lymph system is basically the toxin garbage system for your body, but, unlike your vascular system (your blood) the lymph system doesn’t have a pump (like the heart). You have to use your muscles to clear it out.

        The upshot of this? A lot of times, particularly when under stress, our body gets loaded up with toxins, which makes us feel even crappier – but it’s just biochemistry. Exercise, help the lymph system clear itself out, the toxins etc go, and voila, we feel better. Simple, really.

        You can feel when your lymph nodes are blocked up by pushing/rubbing them – under the armpits, inside thigh, or just below the clavicle. If they hurt, they need clearing. The sharper among you will have noticed – these points coincide perfectly with some of the EFT tapping points. No, this is not an accident.

        And the water thing? (yes, I rave about it). Very simple. We’re 70+% water. All your internal organs need water to operate properly. They can’t flush junk out of your system if they’re dehdryated. If your organs aren’t working optimally? Yes, you’ll feel crappier.

         

        5. Get someone who loves you to hug you for a minute
        A full minute. Just let them hold you, and know that while they are, the entire rest of the world can go away. You’re safe.

        We’re all monkeys (and people say we monkey around). We all need physical contact.

         

        6. It will be ok
        If all the above just seems like too much work and you can’t even do #5, then just hear this:

        I know it doesn’t feel like it right now. I know it feels like a world of never ending shit, but it will get better. Life can’t, won’t continue being this shitty for the rest of forever. Yep, crappy as all hell right now. Hurts. Sucks. Is rough as hell… but life changes, everything changes. Always. If nothing else, just know that in a coupla weeks, a ton of this stuff won’t feel quite as bad. It’ll be a memory.

        In ten years you’ll probably struggle to remember it at all (or you simply won’t care). There might be some ongoing stuff, but a big chunk of it will be a distant memory. You will feel better again. You’ll have up days. All you gotta do is keep eating. Keep breathing. Keep drinking water. Keep getting hugs anywhere you can. I know that doesn’t help you right now, but it’s something to hang on to. Something to look forward to.

        No matter how shit things are right now, life will always change. This will pass.

         

        Also? I love you.

         

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          September 27, 2012

          Why Relationships Die

          Relationships break up for many obvious reasons – physical, emotional or psychological violence. Alcohol or drugs. Distance. Infidelity. Money stress. Death. Or even simply growing apart – one partner grows, the other doesn’t.

          Under all this though, there’s one core reason most relationships die.

          It’s the same reason buildings rot away and collapse: Lack of regular care.

          Now, I’m not saying you should lacquer your partner every summer (unless that’s their thing of course), it’s a little more subtle than that.

          See, the reason relationships die is because of a gradual piling up of resentments.

          Resentments about what?

          Let’s step back a little first and I’ll explain.

          People come into our lives (ie, we have relationships with them) to help us grow.

          How do they do that? Well, usually by pissing us off.

          Why?

          Because we attract people that reflect us; both our strengths and our weaknesses.

          So, they’re gonna rub up against those weaknesses, irritating us – just like a grain of sand in an oyster – and potentially with exactly the same outcome.

          When our frailties are exposed like this, letting it go can be easier said than done.

          Additionally, the closer someone is emotionally the more they’re able to influence us – for better or worse. This is why our family (particularly our parents) get under our skin so often.

          On top of all this, the basic experience of building a relationship with someone requires compromise and growth by both parties.

          So every time we have one of these natural little upsets we’re given a choice: hang on or let it go?

          • If you’re still bothered by something that happened a month ago, you’re collecting resentment.
          • If you’re fearful they’re going to behave as they have in the past, you’re collecting resentment.
          • If there’s things you wish they wouldn’t do any more, you’re collecting resentment.
          • If there’s things you wish they would do but don’t, you’re collecting resentment.

          What typically happens is that we happily burble along sharing our lives. All the while these resentments are slowly building up, until eventually it’s all too much and everything explodes.

          Depending on the temperaments involved, this may happen sooner or later.

          This is all a bit miserable, so what’s the solution?

          As I mentioned above: regular care.

          In terms of relationships rather than houses, we’re talking daily if not minute-by-minute care. A little bit often vs lots when desperation strikes.

          Couples often head off to marriage counselling in an attempt to repair twenty years of cumulative damage; this isn’t practical.

          Much simpler and easier is simply to commit to dumping everything that comes up, immediately.

          How do you do this?

          As with everything, you simply make a choice.

          What is more important – being loving to this person, or hanging on to this resentment?

          So often we self-justify feeling crappy “I’m allowed to be upset or angry, they hurt me!” – but really, why do this?

          Isn’t it better to feel good?

          And, after all, we love this person. Surely being unconditionally loving is better than only loving them if they behave exactly how we want. For a start, that’s trying to control them. Secondly, we never feel better than when we’re being completely loving, regardless of their behaviour.

          If we let go of the resentment as soon as it happens, we shift quickly back into feeling loving and feeling great again.

          The more we let go of, the better we feel. Not only that, but the easier it is to love that person. The deeper our love together grows.

          Essentially, we have a choice:

          1. We can hang on to our resentments until things inevitably explode
          2. We can choose to let go of everything as soon as it comes up

          Or, put another way:

          1. We can feel crappier and crappier until we can’t stand to be around them
          2. We can feel better and better until our love together is burning hotter than the sun

          Seems a little silly to even have to choose, but you know, free will. Yadda yadda yadda.

          So how do we let go of stuff? Well, all the usual ways I’ve talked about endlessly.

          In general though, the simplest way is to keep all of your attention on loving the hell out of them. Don’t leave any free to focus on whatever-it-is. Constantly pull your attention back to pouring love out of your heart and into theirs. Let everything else go. Whatever they’re doing, whatever they’re saying, you’re going to be 100% loving, all your energy unreservedly embracing them.

          Here’s the funny thing with all this.

          When you’re truly in that space, letting go as soon as anything comes up?

          Whatever it is that is happening doesn’t have a chance to hurt you. Not even slightly.

          I’ve been in situations, with someone I cared about enormously, where they were saying the most vile, violent things to me (they had their own shit going on at the time) – and because I was so focused on loving them, what they said didn’t even connect. There was absolutely zero pain or damage from it, even later.

          Not a great thing to have happen maybe, but a damn good learning experience. Particularly in terms of reminding me – our behaviour is always our choice.

          She chose to be hateful. I chose to be loving. As a result, I came out of it feeling like a million bucks. How is that even possible? I don’t know, but it sure as hell works.

          Of course, the usual caveats apply. Being loving doesn’t mean you have to be stupid. Eg, if I’d loved and respected myself more, I wouldn’t have put myself in the above situation in the first place.

          If only one party is loving, then the other person will continue to pile up resentments (with the inevitable conclusion). Obviously, the optimal solution is if both of you make this choice. If only you do then at least you’ll feel great, even if they choose to feel crappy.

          Loving the hell out of each other doesn’t mean you necessarily have to be together forever. However, when you’re in that loving place, you can make the optimal choice for both of you. If it’s the right choice, you can end things in a loving way, without an ugly death.

          All the junk that normally buffets you around is absent, freeing you to do what’s best for both of you.

          Being loving means making loving decisions. For you. For them.

          It also beats the hell out of some bullshit resentment from months or years ago making those decisions for us – killing our relationships without us having any say whatsoever.

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