si dawson

experiments in self-improvement
May 6, 2011

Day 14,610*

bagel + beach

Honey & almond bagel, best coffee in Melbourne (highly debatable, but still), beach. Perfect start to the day. I also spent roughly 12 hours meditating - which resulted in a perfect end.

I also did a digital detox – no internet, phone off, just BEING. It was a great call.

jellyfish shoe

this was about an inch thick. It looked exactly like a jelly (I didn't check for taste authenticity)

beautiful beach

beautiful yes...

beach warning sign

.. but really NOT very friendly (a ton of these I never even knew existed)

Melbourne city

city walk - notice the sign for the hook turn (hanging from the tram wires) - a Melbourne specialty

Also, a haircut. It’s gone from unpredictable yet interesting to really quite funky. I do love when a hairdresser manages to surprise me with awesomeness.

Graduate Union

Innocuous entryway leads into a sumptuous banquet hall, acres of fruit and vegetables.. my body SUNG for the rest of the day. Needless to say it would have been FAR too gauche to take a photo inside

Later, drinks at The Attic (upstairs from The Black Pearl Bar) – which is so new it doesn’t even have a website yet. I was their fifth customer ever (yes, on 5/5). I mentioned that, & they gave me a free 23 yr old Ron Zacapa (which won the global rum awards five years in a row – until they created a hall of fame specifically for it, so it would stop competing & let some other rum win). It was like drinking malt extract, with a scrumptuous kick.

Unfortunately, I was so wowed by the immaculate service,and incredible interior to remember to take photos. Any bar that creates cocktails that require a blow torch (at the table) & fresh rosemary is all good by me though. Highly recommend, A++++ would visit again.

hoss

hoss

building art

hello building!

soy hot chocolate

a gentle nightcap (utterly delicious)

street art

street art (note the milk crates next to it, for scale - elephants are always big, right?)

mankind's planned evolution

Actually quite a realistic forecast for mankind's evolution

trees

I walk past these trees a LOT. They utterly captivate me every time. I heart them.

And the big lesson for the day seemed to be (although there was a ton of ancillary growth also):

Listen more deeply. Particularly, do not talk in order to:

  • seem clever (think I’ve mostly already dumped this one, but still)
  • try to gain approval from the other person
  • try to control the conversation
  • try to “help” (since this is typically just an ego based rationalisation for the first two)
  • Or to tell them what you think they need. Just listen

All in all, not at all what I expected, but thoroughly great regardless.

 

*non-negative integers

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    May 2, 2011

    Urban Misogi

    Tonight was an excellent night for some urban misogi.

    Some back story. Last week or so, I biked into town to hang out with a friend. While we were getting a bite to eat, some 15 year old kids decided to trash my bike. They stole the seat, lights & reflectors, basically rendering it un-ridable.

    The upshot of all that was two fold.

    1. I got to watch my internal reaction to this event (almost zero – always nice to see progress)
    2. I’ve been doing a lot more walking.

    The walk to town is about an hour and a half, and since I meditate while I walk (I have some great audios), this has meant a good solid three hours meditation a day (plus what I normally do) every day for the last three days.

    The growth I’ve been experiencing recently has been, much like the walk itself, gorgeous.

    Which brings me to this evening.

    I’d been in town all day (bit of this, bit of that), and about 9:15pm it was time to walk home.

    It was pouring. And I mean POURING.

    Oh, oh! I completely forgot, you may well need an introduction to misogi.

    The term misogi covers a few things, but generally it refers to standing under freezing cold waterfalls. Typically this happens mid winter, sometimes for hours at a time, and often (in Aikido) holding a sword as you do.

    Misogi generally looks something like this...

    .. except this evening, when I ended up looking a little more like this

    Misogi is a purification exercise. It teaches you to stay centered. Still mind, still body, no matter what happens. It’s very simple mind-over-matter.

    I got introduced to this through Ki Society (a branch of Aikido) about 20 years ago. So yes, I’ve done neck deep (& under) standing naked in mountain rivers in the middle of winter.

    Let me tell you, it’s.. quite an experience.

    Anyway, back to this evening. One minor issue with misogi as a practice is the difficulty with finding a handy waterfall in, say, central Melbourne.

    They’re a little thin on the ground. Least of all because Australia is, for most intents & purposes, a desert.

    So, this evening was quite a neat opportunity. It was about 14 degrees C (57F). Not exactly sub-zero, but certainly a good test.

    Squelching along, drenched to the skin, while remaining as present as I possibly good was.. well, delightful.

    After about an hour of this, I was meditating on there being “nothing to change.” Or perhaps more accurately, that I felt that yes indeed there were several things I’d like to change, just at that moment (my shoes, shirt, pants, for a start.. and maybe swap my headphones for an umbrella).

    I was reminded of the classic story of the Zen master Banzan. He was walking through the market when he heard a customer tell the butcher “I want the best meat, so give me the best.”

    The butcher replied “Every piece of meat is the best.” And, so the story goes, upon hearing this Banzan became enlightened.

    As I remembered this, I realised – life is nothing but a series of “nows”, and every now is perfect.

    (Of course, the only thing telling us otherwise is our silly old monkey mind)

    I felt a huge rush of energy (& a ton of stuff leaving), and continued trudging along, tears of joy pouring down my face.

    This knowledge is nothing new, I first heard it 20 years ago, and I am sure I will need to learn it again.

    In that moment though, that one glorious moment, I suddenly heard hundreds of birds happily chirping in the trees, cars swishing past, and I didn’t just know it in my brain but in my heart.

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      May 1, 2011

      Escaping From Escapism

      I’ve been thinking about escapism for a while now.

      What is escapism? Essentially, anything that takes us away from being fully present. So, this would include:

      • Watching TV/movies (a personal favourite)
      • Booze (ditto)
      • Sex (can be – depending on context)
      • Food (any emotional altering food – carbs to dampen, sugars to elevate, etc)
      • Daydreaming
      • Worrying (ie, misery-focused daydreaming)
      • Non-essential shopping (aka “filling our lives with unnecessary crap”)
      • Drugs (a lot of – but not all)

      in other words, anything which numbs us.

      also any form of distracting ourselves from the task at hand, or procrastination:

      • Idly surfing the web
      • Twitter
      • Facebook
      • Reddit

      (we all have our personal favourites)

      in other words, anything we’re doing primarily because it uses up time (while optionally making us feel slightly better).

      A good question: Does this task take time, or am I doing it solely because it fills in my time?

      Now, if you’re doing any of the above with the specific intention of being present while doing it, that’s a  different kettle of fish. I am of course speaking in very broad terms – there are valid exceptions to all of the above.

      While we’re doing any activity the key thing is to notice where our attention is, why we’re doing it, and whether our primary motivation is simply to avoid something else.

      What is it that we are trying to avoid?

      Usually it’s something unpleasant. A feeling we’re not comfortable with, a task we don’t enjoy, or maybe just life in general.

      I saw a lot of this when I was working in investment banking in London, both in myself and others. It’s the “my life sucks, let’s get drunk!” solution. Where by “solution” I mean “escapism that really doesn’t do anything to help at all.”

      In general, escapism, procrastination & avoidance all fit under the title “side-effects of aversion”.

      You have an aversion to something, and procrastination etc are simply the result of that aversion. This is why “trying to stop procrastinating” rarely works. (also because it’s focusing on the problem, hence the above approach). You may have temporarily adjusted a result, but you haven’t dealt with the root cause.

      The Bhagavad Gita talks about the two forms of wanting – attachment & aversion. Releasing both forms is what leads to enlightenment, ie, the cessation of suffering.

      So, in order to drop, say, TV watching, you need to first ask “What am I avoiding, by watching TV?” Then, you need to heal/drop/etc that aversion.

      It’s also super useful to ask “What’s the upside of TV watching?” “What’s my payoff?” “What’s the benefit I perceive?” and so on. Ie, drop the attachment.

      This then leaves you in a place where you’re free to make a choice (watch/don’t-watch) with zero internal emotional tension.

      Dumping your aversions

      As an example, you have a blog post you need to get written. It’s causing you pain, or not flowing like it usually does. A whole raft of negative thoughts are floating around it (I’m not good enough. I can’t think of anything to write. Nobody reads my stuff anyway. It’s all crap. I’m blocked… the list goes on). Those are all your aversions to doing the task at hand – writing that post.

      I find tapping my karate chop point (the fleshy side of your hand where you would, hypothetically, karate chop someone) while asking “What’s my aversion to writing this post” or “Why don’t I want to do this?” or “What sucks about this?” helps bring those aversive thoughts to the surface. I can then write each down, in turn, and move to the next one. Really, just ask whatever resonates for you.

      If I’m feeling particularly clear then I don’t need to tap my hand necessarily – it’s just a useful tool for “tuning in.”

      Once I have a list of the aversions (reasons for avoiding it), I can then simply knock them out, one by one. How?

      Usually either by:

      1. Using EFT (slow, but a good solid approach), or
      2. Using releasing (much faster – just take the thought back to wanting or lacking approval, control or safety & let it go)

      Once it’s gone (ie, we feel no particular emotional resonance to it any more) then it’s super easy to replace each thought with an opposing, positive thought.

      • “I’m not good enough” -> “pfft! I’m plenty good enough, I can do this in my goddamn sleep”
      • “I can’t think of anything to write” -> “Course I can, the whole world’s my inkpot”
      • “Nobody reads my stuff anyway” -> “Who cares! Writing’s fun, and besides, those that need to read it will”
      • …and so on

      You may have noticed, I find getting all sweary is a great way to give myself a nice positive kick up the bum. Works for me, you just need to find what kind of language motivates you the most strongly.

      If you’ve really dropped each aversion, then those positive replacement thoughts will swill around in your brain pleasantly.

      If saying the positive phrase raises resistance (physical tension, opposing thoughts of emotions), there’s just a little more to go. So, let go of whatever comes up & try again till you’re clear & calm.

      Dumping your attachments

      Once you’ve got rid of the obvious aversions, then you can look at the escapism more specifically.

      Questions like “Why the hell do I want to watch TV?” “What’s compelling me to watch this?” “Why would I rather do this than write that blog post?” and so on. Really, anything that pops in your head that feels right. That’ll give you the other side of the equation. In other words, your attachments.

      Then, just do exactly the same thing you did for your aversions to (say, writing the post), to your attachments to (say, watching TV).

      So, tap or release on each of the attachments to watching TV.

      Now, it might take a few goes to clear everything out – that’s quite normal. We’re complex, layered beings, and often we need to remove the outer layers before we can see more deeply.

      Yes, we’re all onions.

      However, pretty much straight away you’ll start to feel both your resistance to doing the task start to dissipate, and your attraction/compulsion to that particular form of escapism fading.

      The result?

      I’ve been doing both of these things – on tasks I want to get done, and forms of escaping, for a few weeks now, and I tell you, my life is CHANGING.

      In a million years I never would have thought it would be possible to not surf my favourite geek news sites, and not watch TV.. and yet, here I am (and don’t even get me started about dumping booze, sugar & no caffeine during the week).

      The best thing of all? It’s been effortless. Really. The motivation just isn’t there any more. I can watch TV or not watch TV, I don’t care either way. The magnetic tractor beam that has been there pretty much my entire life has just disappeared.

      Even better, as I continue to query & release aversions to the various projects I have, I’m getting ever clearer, and the more effortlessly everything is falling into place.

      Yes, it really is possible to escape from escapism.

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        April 26, 2011

        Dissociating From Subconscious Impulses

        One of the trickiest thing with healing (read: improving our lives) is that so much of what affects us happens below our level of consciousness.

        We are, indeed, icebergs.

        So, while intellectually we know things to be true: we want to be happy, loving, at peace; in reality our lives are often far different.

        The difficulty comes in finding & removing those inner impulses. The resistance & fears we hold so deeply hidden.

        A lot of the time, particularly with things we deem traumatic, our ego/mind will deliberately hide things from us. I’ve experienced this over and over. I heal on something (at the conscious level), and only after it’s healed am I able to see what’s truly been going on underneath.

        Other times, I heal something (and definitely feel it leave) and yet I never ever get to see what it was. Simply that it was there before, and now it’s gone.

        So how do we address something we can’t see, can’t identify and often can’t even detect?

        As always, simply looking at our lives shows us what we most want in the world. Not consciously, a lot of the time, but at our deepest levels.

        Why Our Subconscious is a tricky bugger

        Why would we ever want pain, ugliness and hurt? Because of these deeper impulses. It’s often our ego trying to protect us from some greater fear or hurt. Regardless, this desire for safety (approval or control) or this fear, is more powerful than our conscious beliefs hence the (perhaps undesirable) reality we’re experiencing.

        About here is where we normally get into difficulties, for three main reasons:

        1. At a conscious level, it’s very difficult to accept that (for example) “I want this pain”
        2. What’s going on is below our level of awareness (we can’t even see it)
        3. We’ve had this ‘thing’ for so long we’ve started to identify with it (it’s become part of us)

        In general, getting into trying to figure something out is an exercise in futility and frustration.

        So if we say, for example, “I want this pain” we’ll get immediate internal reactions “No I don’t!”, “Why would I want this?” and possibly even “This is who I am!”

        A super simple way to neatly side step all of these issues is to instead say “some part of me wants this pain” or “some part of me believes..” Just tailor the statements to describe your situation, as usual.

        In other words, to whatever phrase you’d use if you were tapping (the ‘movie title’ describing your problem), just add “some part of me” to the front of it.

        I find tapping the karate chop point (side of hand) really helps bring things to the surface (so they’re easier to drop). It’s like tuning a radio into the issue. Often even that isn’t needed though. Just acknowledging that deeper part of yourself is enough to bring it up so you can let it go.

        By saying that it is part of us, but not all of us, our ego doesn’t get all tied up trying to defend us with denials, or hide the feelings. It also sidesteps issues that have been part of our lives for so long they feel like they’re an inescapable part of who we are.

        All this is the consciousness equivalent of saying “I have a sore finger” (ie “a part of me is sore”). It’s trivial to accept that as truth, versus, say, the more blanket statement “I am sore.”

        To clear things out

        What I’ve discovered is that for issues where normally I’d require rounds and rounds of EFT, or a hardcore releasing session, by saying “A part of me” I can often drop the issue completely in only a few seconds.

        So, what I recommend is this:

        1. Set the intent that you’re going to let go of anything that comes up
        2. Tap your karate chop point (Hong Kong Phooey gives a good demo here. Parking your car in a dumpster is optional)
        3. Ideally say the phrases out loud – it just makes it more concrete (this isn’t mandatory, it just helps)
        4. Say “Some part of me…” (then briefly describe what you’re dealing with. Keep it super short. Trust your subconscious)
        5. Let go of any tension or clutching that arises (whether physical, mental or emotional)
        6. When that feels clear, follow up with “Some part of me still…” (same description, & release)

        Seems complicated, but only because I’m outlining it in detail. It’s really only one step – tap your hand while saying “some part of me is blergh” (or whatever) and let it all go.

        Simple. And by a huge margin the fastest and most thorough way I’ve found to clear out deep, sticky issues.

        I still use full rounds of EFT if I really want to take a baseball bat to something. I still use releasing (taking things back to wanting approval, control or security & letting them go) as a way to simply and quickly improve all areas of my life. For anywhere I’m feeling stuck, or can’t immediately sense what’s going on? This is now my goto tool.

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          April 17, 2011

          How To Love Your Life

          I’ve been giving quite a lot of thought to the saying “What you resist persists” (variously attributed to either Carl Jung, or Werner Erhard).

          The logic of this is reasonably straight forward. Our brains don’t understand negatives particularly well. This is why when you drive a car, you look where you want to go, not at the thing you’re trying to avoid (coz you’ll veer towards it).

          Thus, whatever you’re thinking about you tend to create more of. It doesn’t matter too much if it’s a positive (I like that) or negative (I hate that) thought.

          Of course, this is one of the core benefits of releasing (or EFT). As your mind lets go of circling things you hate, those things tend to fall away from your life.

          If your feelings towards something are purely loving, you lose that obsessive mental grip that things we dislike have. We lose those recurring negative thoughts.  Therefore, we stop drawing those things we dislike to us.

          So where do you draw the line?

          It’s very simple. Every thought and emotion in your life is either loving or nonloving.

          Simplifying like this keeps everything very, very clear.

          It also removes the need to try and figure anything out (which just gets our ego/brain involved – never helping). It stop us getting tied up in definitions (“Am I angry, miffed, annoyed, irritated or just antsy?”). It cuts short the spiral into obsessive thought patterns.

          I’m usually not a fan of dichotomous (either/or) thinking, but in this case it’s actually very helpful. Simple is good.

          So, if that thought or emotion is loving? Great. If it’s non-loving? Say “I love you” & let it go. Remember “I love you”? Arguably the core of the four most powerful phrases in English.

          So what’s the best way of going about this? Well, here’s what I’ve found so far. And when I say “best” I mean most thorough, permanent & quickest.

          The Approach

          Generally speaking, when you think about something you dislike (have non-loving feelings towards), there will be a physical sensation (a clutching or tension) that goes with it. This usually appears in our stomach or chest. Why does this happen? Simply because our energy, emotions, bodies and minds are all part of one holistic system. Nothing operates independently.

          As you continue to think of that thing, if you say “I love you” you can simply open an imaginary door over your stomach or chest (where the tension is) and let that energy out.

          This works best especially when you don’t feel loving, because that will bring these contrary feelings to the surface even more vividly. Keep saying “I love you” and letting it out, and the clutching will disappear altogether.

          People

          Relationships are the core of our lives. “No man is an island” and all that guff. Ideally, you’d feel loving towards every person in your life. Why? Because then any time you think about anybody, you’ll feel great! How awesome would that be? It’s a trick question. The answer is very.

          Start with the people you have the most nonloving feelings for. Why? Because you’ll gain the most by changing those feelings to ones of love. Why would you want to love someone who’s currently driving you mad? Simple. Because the negative thoughts & feelings you’re harbouring are only hurting one person: You.

          You’re not doing any of this for that other person. You’re doing this for you.

          Also, be sure to get around to loving your family at some point, since they’re the ones with whom we have the most complex emotional relationships.

          So, what to do:

          1. Imagine each person in front of you.
          2. Say “I love you” to that picture you’re holding of them.
          3. Let go of all tension, feelings & thoughts that arise (remember, you are the boss here, not the thoughts or feelings)
          4. Repeat until all the clutching is gone, and you genuinely feel loving towards that person

          Of course, no person is one dimensional. So go through every non-loving event that happened with that person (just whatever pops into your mind). Remember the situation, what they said, etc. Keep circling it in your mind, all the while saying “I love you” & releasing all thoughts and feelings that come up, until you feel 100% loving about that situation with that person.

          It may seem like this will take forever, but once you get into the swing of it, it goes faster and faster. I’ve waded through 20 year relationships in a half an hour while wandering around town. The reason it gets easier is because as you continue you’re becoming more and more loving towards them. That energy builds up, so stuff drops away ever quicker.

          Events

          Sometimes events may not necessarily be about a specific person. That’s ok too.

          As described above, imagine the event in as much clarity as you can. Let the feelings come up. Say “I love you” to the event; to the feelings, and let them go. Repeat until you feel nothing but love for the situation.

          A good test is if you can emphatically and honestly declare “I am so happy that happened.” Repeat until you can.

          Ourselves

          Everybody dislikes their body. Or aspects of their bodies. There’s always something. So, just think about each part of your body in turn, say “I love you” to it, and let all the resentment, dislike and ugliness we’ve been carrying around dissipate. Yes, this may take a while, but remember, you’ve probably been carrying those nonloving feelings around most of your life. Be patient with yourself.

          Unsurprisingly by now, keep going until you feel loving about every single part of yourself. You’ll be amazed how much better you’ll feel about the world in general when you feel completely loving towards yourself.

          Abstract Concepts

          By this I mean “anything that’s hard to picture in your mind”. For example, “being lazy” or “feeling unmotivated.”

          With these, a slightly different approach is helpful. Rather than saying “I love you” – because it’s hard to connect with it – just ask yourself “Can I let ‘it’ go?” Don’t let your brain get all tied up in knots over what “it” is. What you’re trying to do. How it’s working or any of that.

          Just ask, and answer (particularly if you’re feeling adamantly opposed) “Yes.” Keep asking “Can I let ‘it’ go?” and keep answering “Yes.”

          Just saying “yes” has power. All the power you need. It puts you into a state of courageousness, since you’re making a decision, a choice. You just saying that you’re letting it go is enough to send that energy, that tension flying out of your body.

          Keep saying “yes!” and you’ll feel it all lift off and away.

          As always, keep it simple. Our brains like to complicate things, but it never helps.

          What to do if you get stuck

          If you get stuck with saying “I love you”, or you feel like it’s not shifting out, there are a couple of things you can do.

          1. Physically tap yourself over the spot where you’re feeling the clutching. That’ll shake up the energy & help it shift out.
          2. If you’re saying “I love you”, then try mixing it up with some “Can I let this go?” “Yes!”. That brings your inner power into play.
          3. If you’ve been doing all this in your head, try saying it out loud (& forcefully). A lot of times that verbalisation helps connect us much more strongly.
          4. Try injecting the word “still” or “all”, for example “I still love you”, or “can I let all of this go?” Don’t save any little bits for later.
          5. If you’re into it, feel free to draw down as much energy as you like from the universe to amp your “I love you”s the hell up. (Just imagine a bright white light coming down into your head then into whatever you’re dealing with, that’ll do the trick)
          6. Experiment. Play with it. Find what works best for you.

          How to say “I Love You”

          Ha ha, you think I’m kidding. No, I’m serious.

          I’ve talked about saying “I love you” in the past. Back then, I figured being super light hearted was the best approach. Having a light heart is great, but I’ve since learned there are ways to take that light heart and really amp up the power.

          For a start, you want to make sure you’re in a good mood before you start any of this. Good posture, a good night’s sleep, water & food will help with this, obviously. Your body is your temple (and so on).

          There are three specific energetic states that are ideal to aim for.

          • Courageousness (simply sitting up straight and emphatically repeating “Yes” will get you into this state pretty quickly)
          • Acceptance (a state of “it is what it is”. Saying that to everything in your life/mind & letting go of everything else will get you here)
          • Peace (a state of knowing. To quote The Matrix, “Don’t Think you are, Know you are.” This is a state of being – rather than thinking, worrying and so on)

          Any of these states is ideal. Peace is the most powerful. That’s when you’re fully connected to your true power. Meditation will get you there. I have to be in that state to experience my best, most loving Aikido. Peace is the flow state.

          So. Now you’re in that high, calm, place. Then start thinking about events, people and yourself.

          When you’re saying “I love you”, say it calmly, with all the attention & inner conviction you can muster. Or, if you want to, shout it with all the enthusiasm and outer conviction you can muster; that’s great too. The critical thing is just that the more you can manage to mean it, the more powerfully it will sweep all that garbage out of you.

          How do you achieve that when part of you is screaming “No, no fucking way, I do not love them”?

          Remember how you are not your mind, you’re not your body, you’re not your emotions? This is where you show them all who’s boss. Just by answering “Yes” (when your mind is screaming “No”), you take control. You are the boss. So just say it.

          Saying “Yes” is just a choice. Saying “I love you” is just a choice. The more you say it, the more true it will become, as everything non-loving disappears.

          It really is that simple. Force yourself to say it. Keep saying it. You know what will happen? Your ego will wail, complain, bitch & moan (as usual).. and then, it’ll all start to fade. We live on automatic so much, letting our emotions and thoughts push us around, so it’s easy to forget who’s really in charge.

          Remember, you’re doing this for you, not for anyone else. You’re doing it so you feel better. With that in mind, just force yourself to say (out loud if that helps) “I love you.” Then simply let all that internal noise, the physical tension, the emotional crap just float out of you.

          Why bother?

          The reason we (occasionally) feel crap is very simple. We have crappy thoughts, and crappy emotions. Let go of them, replace them with loving thoughts and emotions and what will happen? That’s right, we’ll stop feeling crappy. We’ll just feel loving, all the time. Or at the very least, a hell of a lot more of the time.

          As an added bonus, the people around you will notice. Maybe not consciously, but you will see their behaviour towards you change as you shift to only ever having loving thoughts and feelings towards them.

          Why do you think people have pets? Because everybody craves unconditional love, and animals give it. People respond to this, at an incredibly deep level.

          How much easier will it be to do your work, go about your day, to live, if all you have are loving feelings towards everything?

          Incredibly easy. Happy. Effortless. Exactly the way life is supposed to be, we just plop out on this plane and forget. So now’s the time to remember. I love you.

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