si dawson

experiments in self-improvement

Surviving a Break-Up

Relationship break-ups suck. There’s no two ways about it.

They hurt.

However, we have to get through them. We don’t (usually) have the freedom to hide in bed for six months (or three years) until all the pain goes away.

So, what to do?

Well. I’ve had a lot of breakups in my life. So I’ve learned a bit. I’d like to share what I’ve picked up along the way.

There are two places all this pain we’re feeling comes from:

1. OUR SHIT
Things we’ve done (or didn’t do). Horrible things we’ve said. Things we should have done differently. Regrets and self-blame, in short.

2. THEIR SHIT
Horrible things they’ve said. Horrible things they’ve done.

Once you are in a relationship for any length of time these things pile up. Breakups can take years to get over, if you wait for time to slowly heal everything.

(This is also why I recommend healing everything like crazy while you’re in the relationship).

You can understand why people so often just jump into something new (the so called “rebound relationship”). To distract themselves, avoid dealing with the pain, and so on. See also booze, work and all the other usual forms of escapism.

Of course, this is kinda silly – you just take the same junk and pain with you into your new relationship. Which rarely helps.

ANYWAY.

In terms of cleaning up efficiently, aka, getting over them and getting yourself back together, it’s easiest to start with our own shit.

It’s much easier to forgive ourselves for past mistakes than to let go of perceived hurts by another. So, begin there.

For a start, everything is in the past (as long as we’re not continuing to be horrible to our now ex). We can’t change it. So, the least we can do is let go of feeling bad about the mistakes we’ve made.

Once we’re done with our own mistakes, and we feel peaceful and loving towards ourselves (regardless of how we feel about them), then we can get started on the harder side of things. Them.

See, the trouble with breakups is, unless one person is a sociopath (or otherwise broken), both people generally come out of it feeling like they got the worse deal. The most pain. The most inconvenience. The shitty end of the stick.

So, while we may think of four or five awful things we did wrong, we can easily think of dozens of things they did.

But that’s ok. It just means their side will take a little longer to work through.

HOW TO DO THIS

Oh, I almost forgot.

How to do all this?

Well, as always, forgiveness is key. In brief: imagine them in front of you, and say I forgive you to them. Then, say “I’m sorry, please forgive me for all the things you did to hurt them (even if you have no idea what they were). Repeat until you don’t feel any emotional charge doing each of these things.

Ok, that’s the fast bit.

Now, start with all the things you did/said wrong. Take each item one at a time, focus on it, and just feel the pain rising. Usually, as this emotion comes up, there’ll be a physical component – we’ll feel it in our body, as well as the emotional/energetic component.

Next, very simply say “I love you” to the pain, and let the energy/feeling/pain go. Say “I love you” and mean it. That’s really the key.

You’re here to get rid of this pain, there’s no point being half-arsed about it.

So, call up whatever’s happened, say “I love you” and let it go. Rinse and Repeat until done.

You’ll know you’re done when there’s no more energy or emotion around the event. You’ll know you’re done when you feel peaceful or even loving about it.

Yes, this is very similar to the simple meditation I told you about.

Why should this be any surprise? We’re talking about being loving – the highest state of being – just in a very focused area, rather than your entire life.

Once you can’t think of any other ways you’ve hurt them, you’re probably done.

Next, work through the (usually larger) list of things that they’ve done to hurt you. Say “I love you” to each item and let the energy/feeling/emotion go. Keep saying “I love you” and letting it go until you’re peaceful and/or loving about it. Then move to the next thing, until you can’t think of any way they’ve hurt you that has any emotional charge left to it.

Do the forgiveness thing again (both ways) and voila. All that crappy energy is gone.

The last thing to watch for is any residual yet unidentifiable feelings. Often we’ll have just a general crappy aura towards them – without it being about any specific thing, or identifiable event. That’s ok – just focus on the feeling as before, say “I love you” and let it dissolve. You don’t have to vocalise the issue to clear it.

WHAT ABOUT THEM?

Not everyone heals their pain. Some people continue to act it out, in relationship after relationship. These are also the kinds of people that have the same relationship, over and over, with different people. The same angry controlling partners. The same fights. And so on.

So, what do you do if, mid-breakup, your ex is continuing to act out their pain towards you?

For a start, forgive them for being a dick. There’s a thousand reasons someone may not be healing things or moving on as quickly as you are. Everyone has stresses and difficulties in their lives that are difficult to understand from outside.

Secondly, there’s a secret to how relationships work. As we get to know someone, we build up a connection to them. For any relationship of any intensity or length, that connection can be very strong.

Imagine there’s a cord, running from your heart to theirs. We have these (effectively) with every person we interact with. For someone we pass in the street it’ll be thinner than a hair; for our parents it’s the kind of thing you’d anchor the Titanic with; intimate relationships are somewhere in between.

The thing with these connections is this: what affects them affects us.

How is this useful? It means that we can heal them. Not of everything (we’re not living their life, and we are not the boss of them), just of their attitudes and the energy they send towards us.

Think of it this way. Imagine this cord between you is an actual rope. If they twist their end up, we can untwist it from our end. Unless they’re aggressively and consciously retwisting it, it will stay healthy. Stay normal. Stay untwisted.

So, regarding the relationship (which remember, requires both of you) whatever you heal from your end heals their end too.

Remember, you’re not doing this for them; you’re doing it for you.

So, Extra for Experts:

Think about them. Think about something that is upsetting them about you (they’ve probably told you. Several times). Focus in on that feeling in them. How it would feel for them. How upset they’d be. Say “I love you” and let the tension/energy/feeling go. Keep saying “I love you” until all that tension is gone.

If you think through all the things they’ve said have upset them, you can quickly go through and lift all this tension off.

What you’re doing here is removing negative energy that’s being aimed at you. Yes, it will help them feel better (and thus treat you nicer), but really, it’s you being the boss of your experience, being the boss of your life.

Now, depending on the intensity of the relationship, there might be a half dozen things, or (as happened to me recently) there could be a few hundred. It’s ok, there’s no rush.

Some relationships I’ve come out of and been fine within a couple of days. Some have taken weeks. Some months or even years (before I had these techniques).

Trust me on one thing though. This way? Forgiving and loving? It’s exponentially faster than any other method I’ve found.

Better yet? What you’re actually doing is healing these issues. Which means when you do finally feel you’re ready to jump back in the saddle, you won’t be attracting the same kind of yo-yos into your life. Sorry, did I say that? I meant, the universe won’t need to bring you those same lessons, because you will have learned (healed) them already.

You’ll move up. To someone so much better, so much more perfect for you.

And until they do turn up? You’ll be peaceful, loving and much, much happier.

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    What You Resist Persists

    Have you ever tried not thinking of pink elephants?

    It’s the oldest kid joke in the book. Why is it even funny? Well of course, because you can’t not think of something. Our brains just don’t work that way.

    There are ways around this, of course. The easiest way to not think of a pink elephant is to choose to think of (for example) a blue elephant. Or a pink swan. Essentially, fill our head with something other than the thing we’re avoiding.

    In general though, whether we’re thinking of something, or thinking of not something, the picture of that thing is still present in our head.

    Why is this a problem?

    To quote Carl Jung: What you resist persists.

    When we focus on something, we create it our lives. As Mike Dooley puts it, “thoughts become things.”

    Ever notice how people who like to bitch about things always have no trouble at all finding things to complain about? Their lives are mysteriously full of awful events.

    Happy people somehow have lives mostly full of things worth celebrating.

    This may look a little circular, but it’s no accident.

    Ancient mystics described it thusly: “As within, so without” (and “and as above, so below”).

    Whatever is happening inside us echoes out into the universe and is reflected in our lives.

    This is similar to how Australian Aboriginal traditions believed that dreams were real, and day-to-day “reality” merely the reflection of those dreams.

    If you’ve done any kind of spiritual self-work, then you will have seen this in action. No doubt everything above is already blindingly obvious to you.

    So where do the elephants come in?

    Because it doesn’t matter whether we’re thinking about something we like, or something we don’t like – we’ll still be creating it in our lives.

    Even if you don’t believe that this happens – by thinking about something you’re drawing your attention to it – so it’ll feel like more of it is occurring in your life.

    When you buy a new red Audi, suddenly you see all the other red Audis on the road. Just got a bob haircut? The supermarket will be full of them.

    Whatever your attention is on, you’ll see more of.

    So, if you’re hating something? In a perverse kind of way, you’re going to be creating (or at the very least noticing) more of it in your life.

    Which, of course, you’ll also hate.

    You can see how quickly this spirals downward.

    If slow people walking in front of you annoys you, you can be damn sure you’ll notice it every time it happens.

    If advertising drives you crazy, you’ll see how much we’re saturated in it.

    Thus, we end up more annoyed, feeling less in control, and thus focusing even more on the very thing we’re trying to avoid.

    There’s another layer going on here. I believe we’re here on earth to learn. To grow as individuals.

    When you hold strong negative feelings about something, the universe very helpfully brings that thing back to us, over and over, until we learn to let go of those feelings. We’re all on an upward journey to enlightenment. Aka, learning to give less of a shit about the little things. Learning to chill the hell out.

    If you have the same shitty relationships over and over again? It’s because you still haven’t learned what you’ve needed to learn (even if that’s just how to spot the warning signs of oncoming lunacy). All the talk I do about healing on this blog is really just because it’s by a wide margin the most complete and efficient method of learning that I’ve discovered so far.

    How do we break our vicious downward spirals? Very simple, really. Let go of our inner resistance. Let go of the frustration around slow people. Let go of the resistance to advertising. I’ve talked about this before, with regard to judgement (just another form of resistance) and anger.

    The more we are able to let go of these non-loving emotions, the better.

    Use any tool that resonates with you. EFT, releasing, meditation, breathing, saying “I love you”, dancing. It really doesn’t matter, as long as it works.

    Ideally, you want to get to the point where you feel genuinely loving (or at the very least peaceful) about whatever it was that previously was bugging you so much.

    When you’re genuinely peaceful then even if something does occur, it won’t bother you in the slightest. And voila, it’ll fade from your awareness.

    On a deeper energetic level you’ll also stop drawing these experiences into your existence (ie manifesting them) – but that’s a whole other conversation.

    Now, we can always wait until we’re feeling annoyed by something, but it’s much quicker to proactively go after this stuff.

    So, try sitting down and simply asking “Who or what am I resisting?”

    Typically you’ll be amazed at what pops into your head (if you’re quiet, and listening). Once you get better at it of course, you’ll be able to do it while on the bus, walking down the road, or bored at work.

    The more you ask the question and then let go of all the energy (emotion) you feel around each thing, the more peaceful you’ll become. And, best of all, the less you’ll be creating (and then upset by) these things in your existence.

    The more peaceful and loving you are about elephants, pink or otherwise, the less they’ll be in your awareness and the less they’ll be in your life.

    Whatever you resist persists. Whatever you stop resisting stops persisting.

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      How to Fly Long Distance

      I’ve done a LOT of long distance flying.

      I’ve spent a chunk of my life in Europe, with family mostly in New Zealand. For the uninitiated this is typically a 26-36 hour flight (depending on the route and stop overs involved). I’ve had it take over 40 hours (that ONE time I wasn’t paying attention when booking flights).

      I’ve typically done this trip at least a couple of times a year. Except for that one time I flew to NZ, spent four days there, then back in time for work the following week.

      There’s something about sitting in one seat for 12+ hours, often, that gives you a lot of time to think about how the experience could be improved.

      Here are some things I’ve found that make it better.

       

      Before the flight

       

      Get everything critical laid out the day before

      This enables you to easily and visually check the obvious stuff (tickets, passport, itinerary), and make sure you don’t forget anything, but also to question “do I really need that.” If you’re flying, weight matters.

      Put deodorant in your carry on

      You might not need it, but if you do you’ll be super grateful. Also, if your bags get lost (it does happen) you won’t have to feel/smell like death until you can find a chemist.

      Tie a fancy ribbon on your hold luggage

      Around the handle is fine. Just something that makes your generic black bag look slightly different from every other generic black bag on the carousel. The only thing more tedious than having to lift your bags off yourself is having to lift many bags off because you keep accidentally grabbing ones that aren’t yours.

      Duct tape makes everything look old

      If you have expensive stuff, putting duct tape on it will make it look old and crappy. A sneaky trick I learned from an international travel photographer. It’s odd, but works.

      Put everything of value in your carry on

      As awful as it is, you have to assume that baggage handlers don’t care, and that everything in your hold luggage will be rifled through and possibly stolen. If your expensive gear is with you at all times, you can keep an eye on it. Otherwise? Good luck.

      Always keep your passport and tickets in the same place

      Don’t do what I did once – madly rip my entire suitcase apart in front of check in, looking for a lost passport – only to realise ten minutes later that it was in my right jacket pocket instead of my left. Oops.

      Always dress up for the airport

      Of course, “additional screening is random.” And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you. I’ve travelled a LOT. The only times I’ve been really hassled at security was when I had surreal hair and was dressed for a festival. When I’m tidy? (usually black dress shoes, jeans, collared shirt, jacket). I get waved through. In fact, some of the times they’ve actually waved me AROUND security. Yes, so I didn’t get scanned at all. Go figure.

      Oh, as a bonus? Jackets have pockets. Always helpful.

      Get to the airport early

      Usual check in for international flights is an hour and a half. If I’m travelling by myself, I’ll typically aim for 2-2 1/2 hours (depending on how I’m getting there) or 4+ hours if I’m travelling with someone else (depending on the person).

      I’ve been on the way to an airport, with two 30+ kg suitcases and three hand carries, only to have a train we were depending on get cancelled. The next available train was half an hour. Fortunately, I’d planned to get there 4 hours early, so we had plenty of time and could relax and laugh about the whole thing.

      Travel can be stressful enough, and there’s nothing worse than getting on a long haul flight dripping in sweat because you’ve had to sprint somewhere carrying a giant suitcase. Get there early, be chilled, let everything be easy.

      Be super nice when checking in

      You may not have noticed, but often the person who checks you in will also be on the flight. It’s one of the ways that airlines save money. They don’t hire extra desk staff, it’s just one more job for flight attendants. What this means is they’ll remember if you’re a dick to them (or grumpy) when you’re checking in. The other thing here is – these people have HUGE power. Baggage allowance, which seats you get, how much they look after you on the actual flight, oh and yes, if you’re even ON that flight.

      All that aside, they have a hell of a job. Twelve plus hours, standing most of the time, required to smile and be super polite to often demanding, rude, inconsiderate people. Make a point of making their lives a little easier. It’s good karma.

      So, before you walk up, put ALL your internal crap to one side. Imagine you’re meeting an old friend, and do all you can to smile, connect, be loving, supportive and warm. And yes, this is someone who is “there to serve you”. Just do it, you’ll thank me, plus it’ll make you feel better – being loving always does.

      Ask at check in to be seated as close to the front as possible

      Generally they fill the windows first, front to back, then the aisles. If you don’t mind sitting in an aisle seat, then being in front of 50 or 60 sets of seats will make a huge difference to how quickly you’ll be able to get off the plane. Which in turn makes a huge difference to how quickly you can get through immigration (often the slowest bit of the post-plane exit). Also, forward of the engines is noticeably quieter than behind.

      If you can check in with a machine, do that

      It’s always faster than standing in a queue. Also, you can then choose a seat super far forward.

      Be nice to the security people

      Much like checkin staff, they have the power to make your life miserable (up to and including jail, let alone missing your flight). Sure, they can be thieving, under trained, unhappy people, but hey, they need love too. Also? In all likelihood they hate their job as much as you hate them doing it. They’re not all bad. They’re in a crappy position (if nothing awful happens, they’re “adequate”; if anything does, it’s their fault – there’s simply no win condition for them). Have some empathy.

      No matter how stupid the modern “security theatre” is (hint: very), you can suck it up for five minutes. Smile, be polite, do NOT joke – about anything, be loving. Then run away as quickly as you can. No, don’t run; walk briskly.

      When going through the xray, put everything from your pockets into your jacket

      First, it’s much faster than putting it all into the plastic tray. Once you’re through you can walk away, and empty your jacket pockets as you go. Secondly, it keeps your stuff safer. Much harder for someone to surreptitiously grab your wallet if it’s hidden. I’ve never seen (or heard) of anything like this happening, but often (say) if you’re pulled aside for secondary screening, all your valuables will be left in the open, without you being anywhere close to them. Might as well play it safe.

      Going through security, queue behind single business people

      They’ve done this a thousand times, they’ll have it down to a fine art. Try to avoid families (kids make everything slower) and old people (who generally move slower anyway).

      Charging devices in airports

      If you look around, you can usually find outlets to charge phones, ipads, laptops etc. They have to plug vacuum cleaners in somewhere. Be wary of officially provided phone charging stations. They’re probably fine, but these can be trivially hacked.

      Do not get onto the flight hungover (or worse, drunk)

      For a start, nobody working in an airport likes drunk people. However, even hangovers are bad. We get hungover partly because we’ve just filled our brain with neurotoxins and hammered the hell out of our liver and kidneys. A big part of it though is simple dehydration. If you’re dehydrated getting onto a plane, 12 hours of aggressive air conditioning is going to dry you out like crazy – which will leave you with jet lag from hell.

       

      On the flight

       

      Take a scarf 

      Air con on most flights is brutal. All that cold air swishing around goes right down your neck. Plus a scarf can double as a mini pillow if you’re trying to scrunch up into a corner and need more bolstering.

      Take ear plugs

      I can’t stress this enough. That background roar of the engines is deceptively loud. Good ear plugs make a HUGE difference in terms of quality of sleep. Plus, bonus, it damps down screaming kids, people who insist on talking while the lights are out, or, heaven forbid, those over-loud page turners (yes yes, fellow readers, I’m joking).

      Noise cancelling headphones

      These are more comfortable than ear plugs, and work better. Not a terrible idea to have your own headphones anyway, if you prefer your own music. Just make sure you have enough battery power to last the distance (plus layovers).

      Wear an eye mask

      Most (but not all) long distance carriers provide these, but it’s worth collecting them from previous flights, as this gives you a choice of the best one available. Or, if you’re fancy, go buy one of your own. Never underestimate the benefits of being able to control ambient light when trying to sleep (particularly if people have reading lights on, or the plane lights come on 20 minutes before you’re really ready to wake up)

      A neck pillow

      I’ve never used one, but I scrunch up pretty small. I know people who swear by them in order to support your neck while you sleep.

      Compression socks

      Haven’t used them myself, but they’re reported to both make the flight much more comfortable AND help reduce the likelihood of DVTs – although since the risk factors are still a bit in question, that may be hokum.

      Take an aspirin

      This only really applies if you have one of the dozens of possible “risk factors for DVT” – but it’s not a terrible idea to take one as a preventive measure. Aspirin just thins the blood very slightly, making it less likely to coagulate (glue together) and thus kill you (by having that glued up lump travelling up into your heart).

      Use the airline socks

      These aren’t always provided, but when they are, change into them ASAP (ie, before take off). Keep them on until the plane is taxiing towards the terminal at your destination. Why? A couple of reasons. First, feet sweat a lot, and having clean socks to wear when you land is always nice. Secondly, because you’re sitting still and at high altitude, blood pools in your feet, making them swell up. Shoes will get super uncomfortable (plus cut off blood flow). Letting your feet readjust to normal altitude first is a lot more comfortable.

      Move seats as soon as you can

      Once you’re damn sure there isn’t going to be any more passengers, that is the time to nab the middle row, shift rows, or generally just grab more space for yourself. You may not have paid for four seats to lie down in, but if you sit in one of the middle two of an empty four, you can be reasonably sure no-one will grab either aisle seat and voila – instant bed. But you have to be fast. Elderly Asian gentlemen can be surprisingly nimble at this game.

      Drink lots of water

      For a start, water is great. We’re 70% water, which means we’re less like a solid body with liquid, and more like a rather thick aquarium. Secondly, aggressive air conditioning (filtering 12 hours of 400 people farting) means air travel is VERY dehydrating. Dehydration is a killer. It also makes jet lag much worse (since your body needs water to work, so without it, it can’t help you heal as quickly). Lastly, drinking lots means you’ll have to get up and go to the loo. Hello? Exercise is better than sitting on your arse for 12 hours.

      I used to take a 2L bottle of water for each 12 hour leg – which worked great. Unfortunately these days, security theatre means it’s harder (and more expensive) to do this. In lieu of that, just drink as much water as you can and don’t be afraid to go to the steward stations and ask for more – they’ll be happy to give it to you.

      Avoid caffeine and booze

      As fun as it is to just get roaring drunk, your primary enemy on long distance flights is dehydration. Both caffeine and alcohol are diuretics – which means they absorb water out of your body. Plus, the coffee on planes is usually pretty awful anyway, so you’re not REALLY missing out.

      My absolute all time worst jet lag has occurred on those long hauls where I’ve merrily guzzled coffee and wine at every opportunity. Not. Very. Smart.

      Moisturise

      See: dehydration. Your skin will thank you.

      Exercise

      Regularly rotate your ankles, knees, shoulders. Just wiggle them all about as much as you can. Get up and walk about if possible. It’s important to keep blood flowing. This is why in hospitals, long term sedentary patients are regularly turned over by nurses. You don’t want to start getting the early precursors to bed sores just from sitting still too long.

      Be nice to the flight attendants

      It’s very simple. They have a hell of a tough job. Be loving. Be kind.

      Wet wipes

      Wet wipes are awesome. Basically, you can use them to “wash” any part of yourself that sweats. So, feet, groin, behind the knees, armpits, back of the neck, face. Anything that would otherwise be sticky and uncomfortable. Unless you’re able to smuggle a portable shower on with you, this is your best option.

      Two hours before landing, wash

      This sounds odd, but a couple of hours before landing, going to the bathroom and washing anything and everything (wet wipes!) makes a huge difference. Any later than that can be tricky as they’re often serving a last meal, or insisting you sit down for landing. Plus the queues get large as everyone tries to go to the bathroom at once.

      Airline travel can be pretty awful – airport dirt, all that sitting down sweating etc, but getting off the plane feeling even moderately clean can feel like heaven by comparison.

      Empty the seat pocket WELL before you land

      It’s too easy to get distracted by people pushing past, saying goodbye to a seat buddy, etc, and forget something you love (I’m so sorry gorgeous blue scarf, you will be forever Korean).

      Sleep as much as humanly possible

      I know there’s a lot of talk about circadian rhythms, syncing with the place you’re going to, etc etc, but trust me. Just sleep as much as you can. Once you land is a whole different story, but if you’re tired, it won’t help.

      I generally make a point of just generally burning the candle at both ends before a long flight. Then once I’m on I watch a silly movie and sleep for ten hours. It works super well.

      Don’t read a book

      Magazines are fine, since you can dip into them, but feeling like you have to power through a book will keep you awake much more, limiting your sleep. Movies are fine, since you can usually tune them out or sleep through them, but books force wakefulness. You NEED sleep.

      Sit with your legs apart

      A bit gross, but it stops you sweating as much “down there.”

      Going to the bathroom at night

      It can be tricky to spot which is your seat in the dark. So, leave something bright (your scarf or a magazine you brought with you) on the seat. Makes it all a ton simpler.

       

      When you land

       

      Unless you know the airport, always allow more than two hours on layovers

      I know it’s annoying sitting in an airport waiting for your next flight, but hear me out.

      First, some airports make you go out through security then back in again (LAX!), whereas some just sit you in transfer zones (Seoul). So, it could be a 15 minute journey through a single layer of security, or you may have to go through immigration as well. Ie, it’s impossible to predict how slow it could be. On top of that, often the simple walk between gates can be 20+ minutes, in a larger airport.

      Secondly, and more importantly, global warming is affecting air travel. It’s common and becoming more so for strong winds to affect travel times, meaning your incoming flight could be an hour late. If you’ve only allowed an hour to connect to your next flight, you’re going to be STRESSED. Stretching your legs in the terminal (or getting a beer) is a hell of a lot more relaxing than having to sprint from plane A to plane B.

      Once you’re off the plane, walk as quickly as you possibly can to immigration

      Immigration queues can be HUGE, and walking past the entire rest of the plane means you’ve jumped a couple of hundred places up the queue. If you’re super lucky, you might even be able to walk past an entire other plane that’s landed at the same time.

      Do NOT go to the loo before immigration unless it’s life-and-death. My lil bro did this once when we were travelling together. I sat and waited for him while the entire plane shuffled slowly past us *facepalm*

      When you’re going through customs, walk slowly and look tired

      This may be easy if you’ve just jumped off a 20+ hour flight, but it’s always helpful to walk tiredly and slowly through customs. They’re watching for suspicious behaviour. If they see you, say, excited and looking forward to seeing your friends waiting for you, they may easily misinterpret that as you being excited and looking forward to handing your drugs off to the dealers waiting for you.

      The only times I’ve ever been stopped is when I walked at my usual brisk pace, keen to get the hell out of the airport. Walk at grandma pace, it’ll take an extra 30 seconds, but possibly save you twenty minutes of nonsense.

      Ditch your airline baggage tags as soon as possible

      If you’re travelling on public transport it’ll be obvious you’ve got a lot of stuff with you, but you don’t need to advertise that you’ve brought it all from overseas (and thus it might include duty free booze and electronics, rather than just dirty washing for the nearest laundry).

      Stay awake until your normal sleep time

      Even if you arrive at 4:45am and you’re exhausted, try to stay awake until your normal sleep time. It’ll help your body get in sync faster, thus reducing jet lag. One tired day is much better than a week falling asleep in meetings and staying up all night. Even if you can’t make it right until evening, every hour you can stay up will help your body adjust enormously.

      Have a shower as soon as you can

      Get rid of all that travel dirt. You’ll feel a million times better, trust me.

       

      There’s a lot of things about air travel that are tiresome and stressful. However, it’s also quite exciting. Airports are full of people off to distance places. They’re like a nexus for adventure. A few relatively minor changes can make the whole thing fun, and certainly a lot less hassle.

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        How To Love Without Pain

        First of all, despite whatever you’ve experienced in life so far, yes, it IS possible to love without being hurt.

        It’ll take a bit, but let me explain.

        In your past, and in mine definitely, we will have experienced loving and being loved, only to be horribly, terribly hurt.

        Why does this happen?

        Very simply? Because we’re not loving unconditionally. We love hoping for a certain type of reaction or reciprocation (maybe that they’ll love us back, behave a certain way, or NOT do certain things).

        In short: we hurt when our expectations aren’t met.

        We have either attachments or aversions to their behaviour.

        So, when they don’t live up to those expectations, we feel pain.

        Pretty straight forward really.

        Now, the key bit – how do we avoid this?

        This won’t come as ANY surprise – “simply” drop our expectations.

        Ha ha ha.

        Oh boy, simple yes, but easy? Well, generally not so.

        Of course, we could spend an entire lifetime dropping our attachments and aversions to various things. That said, we don’t REALLY want to have to wait until we’re 150 to have a great relationship, right?

        The good news is, I’ve found a bit of a short cut.

        To be fair, I haven’t practised this anywhere near as much as I SHOULD have (sorry ex-girlfriends). However, when I have? It’s worked incredibly well.

        Now, I’ve hinted at this in the past, but here’s the full story.

        First of all, it’s important to understand that relationships are a form of energetic connection. The stronger (more emotionally intimate/intense) the relationship, the stronger our connection.

        So, for example:

        1. The most powerful connections are usually to our parents (eg, there’s only one person on the planet that you’ve spent 9 months living inside of).
        2. After that are family members – depending on how close you are of course – but these are people who’ve you’ve generally known your entire life.
        3. After that tend to be the most tumultuous relationships in our lives. Lots of emotion flying around – for better or worse. People we’ve been intimate with for long periods of time.
        4. Finally we have other intimate relationships, friends.
        5. Below that, well, everyone else.

         

        Now, one convenient way to “view” this connection is to imagine a thick white cord running between your hearts. The stronger the connection, the larger the cord. When negative energy/emotion gets thrown around, this cord can get filled with dark gunk, or twisted up.

        Before we get into exactly what to do with this cord, a little back story.

        I discovered this technique a few years back, when I was in a fairly heavily abusive relationship. She’d just come out of a marriage, so had a LOT going on.

        ANYWAY. I had many, many chances to experiment with how best (and quickest) to get her off the ceiling when she started acting up.

        After running through all the usual possibilities – placating, reasoning, apologising, arguing, fighting, attacking, defending, explaining, escaping (none of which REALLY worked), I stumbled on to this.

        While she was busy shouting at me, I would focus all my attention on the cord between us.

        Usually, I could see that it was twisted up, or covered in black gunk etc.

        Whether this is ACTUAL reality or not really doesn’t matter. It’s just a useful representation (just like how a London tube map isn’t ACTUALLY how the tube is, but is still super helpful).

        So. Then I focused ALL of my energy and attention on pouring as much love as I possibly could, out of my heart, down the cord to her heart.

        I just imagined this as a super bright white light, but anything that works for you would do the trick.

        It also helped for me to just keep repeating in my head “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

        Now obviously, parts of you will likely react to whatever is being said, particularly if it’s nasty or hateful.

        If you’re pissed off too, you’re also going to react negatively to saying “I love you”! This is totally fine.

        When these reactions come up, just let them all go and go back to focusing on sending as much love as you possibly can.

        THIS is the real secret. That immediate letting go of every thought and reaction? THAT is where the magic really takes place. THAT is what makes it true, unconditional love.

        Plus, best of all, every time you’re letting something go? You’re healing yourself and making it easier to love unconditionally in the future. It’s a HUGE win.

        Oh, and for a bonus? It also puts you in an energetic space where it’s basically impossible to fight you. It’s like trying to push against water. So, it’s the fastest way possible to calm down and resolve a highly emotionally charged situation. A handy tip next time someone you love goes a bit nutty.

        Obviously it may take a bit of practice to be able to do all this AND have a conversation with someone, but that’s ok. There’s no rush.

        Just focus exclusively on pouring love out of your heart and into theirs, down that cord. Let everything else go that might come up. EVERYTHING.

        Anyway, here’s the thing.

        If you really are focusing EVERYTHING you have on sending them love? If you’re letting go of anything and everything else that might be coming up in you?

        These two things combined mean you have zero expectations attached to loving them.

        Which means, whatever they say or do – yes, it might have a reaction, but you’ll be so focused on loving them that your reaction will near-instantly disappear.

        And guess what? That means you won’t get hurt. Can’t get hurt.

        I came out of this ridiculously intense relationship, where I was called and accused of the most vile things I’ve ever heard in my life – and you know what? The cleanup required after it was utterly trivial. None of these awful awful things caused any damage at all (or such a minuscule amount that they fell away instantly).

        Seriously. Don’t believe me. Try it for yourself and see.

        As long as you let go of every thought and feeling that arises and focus 100% on SENDING love? It works. Phenomenally.

        Share:

          Depression

          I can’t speak to your experience with depression, I can only talk of my own. Hopefully this may help – either you or someone you love.

           

          A COUPLE OF CAVEATS

          I’m not a mental/health professional, duh.

          I am NOT suggesting to do what worked for me INSTEAD of other solutions. Try everything you can that feels right for you.

          Why the need for caveats? Because today everybody is an expert on depression, it would seem. I’m not, I’m just one guy sharing his experiences.

           

          SOME BACKGROUND

          My family has a history of depression, going back to before it was really recognised as “a thing”, ie, multi-generationally.

          Decades ago, I would get what I called “industrial strength depression”, where I would basically just crash in bed for two or three days, unable to do anything.

          I’ve never taken medication, but looking back I suspect it may have helped. Several members of my family have and it has helped them.

          As well as being a massive drain on my productivity (eg months where I’ve got zero real work done), I’ve had girlfriends break up with me saying “You were sad, and there was nothing I could do to change it.” In short, it’s had a significant, negative effect on my life.

           

          THE CORE EFFECTS OF DEPRESSION

          The key problem with most well meaning “solutions” (go out! get some exercise! talk to people! seek help!) is that they radically underestimate the core effects of depression.

           

          1. Apathy

          The first? Apathy.

          I’ve had times where I haven’t left the house for three weeks. If I hadn’t had a dear friend coming around and bringing me food, I probably would have stopped eating too (god knows I couldn’t afford to buy food at that time).

          When I’m feeling seriously down, my head is just spinning over and over with the same bullshit.

          The idea of picking up a phone (ugh, effort!), finding the right number (ugh), maybe having to explain why I’m calling (ugh), being asked to be put through to the right person (ugh), having to explain again (ugh), then going through all that shit in my head, again, for the millionth time, with someone I don’t even know (a gazillion times ugh), when it’s unlikely they’re really going to be able to help me anyway (ugh). It’s all too exhausting. Particularly when lifting my head off the pillow just sounds like too much work compared to going back to sleep.

          When I’m down that far, getting dressed is too much effort (let alone choosing what to wear). Showering involves standing up, and really, who gives a fuck about that?

          Some of these times even lifting my head off the pillow feels like too much effort. “I’ll give it a go in a few hours”. Or maybe tomorrow.

           

          2. Resilience

          The second? Resilience.

          When you’ve been mired in the dark cloud for too long, what gets worn down is your resilience.

          What this means is that your ability to do deal with setbacks is reduced to, well, zero.

          Every tiny little problem becomes insurmountable.

          Friends ask you out, but your shoes haven’t been polished in months and if you go out with them looking like that people might guess how bad you are (and you’ll have to Talk. About. It. UGH), so you text your (obviously meaningless) apologies, switch your phone off (No. Talking.) and go back to bed.

          There’s no food in the house, so just drink water. And go back to bed. Or (as I have done), realise that pancakes are just flour, water, eggs. And since the only ingredient in the house is flour (and tap water), fry that up (no oil) and pretend they’re just crappy pancakes. That was a good day – I managed to organise “food”.

          A bill comes in, or a threatening letter from a creditor, and after a couple of hours of lying in the fetal position crying, go back to bed for the next three days until you can bear to do something, anything about it.

          Obviously, on a normal day, all of these kinds of things are 2 to 5 minutes work to resolve, if that. Which is exactly the point.

          Whatever you (in a non-depressive state) think a depressed person can or should do is very likely to be way, way more than they’re capable of handling. (Hence the common, usually unvoiced, reply: fuck off).

           

          3. Helplessness

          The third, Helplessness.

          Obviously this ties into both resilience and apathy, but it’s worth mentioning on its own.

          You feel helpless, powerless. Completely lacking in control, over anything.

          You’re completely, utterly, unable to “fix the problem” – whether it’s the depression you’re feeling, or whatever-it-is that your thoughts are revolving around.

          If you genuinely, deeply feel powerless, then why bother trying anything? Apathy.
          If you genuinely, deeply feel powerless, so even the smallest thing is beyond you? Resilience.

          This, in a way, is the worst thing. Because any possible solution is immediately met with “It’s not going to help anyway.” It’s nearly impossible to counter, simply because it becomes such a powerful, self-fulfilling belief.

           

           

          THE USUAL APPROACH – ESCAPE

          The usual approach, when your head is that full of shit? Try and escape it.

          So, sleep is a great option (cheap, easy). Watching movies/TV (find a new 8 season series to watch and there’s a guaranteed 126 hours you won’t have to think about the shit in your own life. Video games. Farting around on the internet. Sex (if it’s around), or a new partner (always lots of easy avoidance to be found there). Masturbation/porn (which never really help anyway, and usually just leaves you feeling worse). Booze (adds up cost wise, risky/depressive but effective). Drugs (also pricey, can be hard to source).

          Obviously, none of these things actually HELP in terms of moving you past the depression, or sorting your life in general – but they help you avoid having to THINK about it. They offer some, any respite.

          When you’re in a state that low, even thirty seconds peace is blessedly welcome. 43 minutes of a TV show is like heaven.

           

          THE WALLS OF DEFENCE

          One of the reasons it’s so hard to see when the people around you are seriously depressed is that one gets very good at hiding just how bad it is.

          It’s pretty similar to how an alcoholic will drink vodka because it’s less detectable.

          For a start, you can see your friends getting sick of “trying to help.” All their well meaning suggestions failing because of the core effects listed above.

          Secondly, since your crap is constantly bashing you in the brain, and your friends are obviously sick of hearing about it too, the last thing you want to do is vocalise what sounds like the same tired brain noise, for the umpteenth millionth time.

          Thirdly, despite how common it is, there’s a LOT of stigma attached to depression.

          So, as long as nobody sees how messy your house is, or notices how much weight you’ve lost (or put on), it’s trivial to play-act like “a normal human being”, for short periods of time at least.

          “Oh sure, yeah, things are great. Definitely picking up. Or, seeing some great progress. Feeling pretty good.”

          Or, an eternal favourite, simply deflect the conversation onto them, and ensure it never gets around to REALLY talking about how you are inside.

          This is why asking someone “Are you ok?” is rarely going to get an honest answer, and why just telling them “I was thinking of you, and wanted to remind you that I love you” is so much more helpful. It’s not dependent on honesty from them – either with you, or themselves.

           

          SUICIDE

          Ever notice how many times someone kills themselves, and the people left behind say “I had no idea it was so bad”? Yeah, that’s not a fucking accident.

          The key thing is – if someone you know or love kills themselves due to depression, do NOT think for a second you could have helped them “if only you’d known.” They hid it from you for a reason. And that was THEIR CHOICE.

          Just like killing themselves was their choice. Ok, agreed, definitely a shitty choice – and god, it can do massive damage to those left behind (I’ve seen it rip families apart). The thing is, when you’re that low, in that much mental and emotional pain, you kill yourself because it feels like the only possible way out.

          You kill yourself because you can’t take it any more.

          You kill yourself because you just want to end the pain.

          ALL THESE THINGS ARE FALSE. Of course.

          Easy to see if you’re not depressed.

          But while you’re in it? They FEEL true.

          If you’re left behind, as much as you may disagree with this choice (and for many valid reasons), however much you may hate them for making it, be angry at them, curse their name – RESPECT their choice. It’s theirs to make. Yes, it’s the ultimately shitty choice (since it removes all other possible choices), but it’s still their choice.

          Most importantly, NEVER blame yourself for their choice. What’s done is done. Your responsibility is to the living, yourself included. Be loving (when it’s finally possible). Be forgiving (when it’s finally possible). Look after those around you. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

           

           

          WHAT YOU CAN DO IF SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS DEPRESSED

          As I mentioned above, I can only talk about what has helped me. Here’s what’s really made a difference:

          Help out with the side effects of depression

          Maybe bring beer, crank up music and clean their house (IF IF IF they’re ok with that). Take them out somewhere cheapish (to minimise guilt) and pay (if money is what’s depressing them). Hang out their washing or look after their kids. Hugs, long hugs, always hugs. It really doesn’t matter. What you’re doing here is making their life FEEL “less bad”, without forcing them to think about their shit. That’s key. As long as they don’t feel like you’re babying them, or being condescending, you should be fine.

          Be compassionate

          Don’t try to “fix” them. Just be patient, empathetic, understanding and give them a LOT of leeway. See above re resilience, apathy and helplessness.

          Look after them in non direct ways

          In my case, I had a friend who brought me food around, every week or so, for six months. Easy stuff that required no effort. I wouldn’t have eaten if it wasn’t for her. Spend time with them (go to THEM, if needed), and talk about non-emotional stuff, or just general junk. It’s helping them be social (often useful) but with minimal effort from them, and, most importantly, allowing them to avoid thinking or talking about their shit. So yes, escapism, in a way – but healthier escapism.

          If they want to talk, let them, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT or “telling your story”

          This can be tricky. Often when listening we’ll want to “share our similar story”. There’s a time for this, but if they barely have the energy to get out of bed, they definitely don’t have the bandwidth to help you with your shit. Remember, you’re the strong one in this moment. What you’re aiming for is empathy – understanding and sharing their feelings. Pointing out how things could have been worse is rarely helpful. Offering solutions (unless you’re going to do it for them AND they’re ok with it) is probably not helpful. If they’re talking, just open your heart, shut up and listen. Make them know you’re paying attention (eye contact, whatever level of physical contact they’re comfortable with, encouraging noises), but other than that, this is their time to talk. This can be VERY helpful.

           

          All these things, really, come down to one thing: MAKE THEM FEEL LOVED. Of course, you can’t MAKE them feel anything, but you can do a hell of a lot to make sure the right signals are being sent out from your end.

          Now, coming right out and saying “I love you” isn’t a terrible idea, but it’s very possible it won’t get through. They’re in a dark place. However, actions speak louder than words. Particularly non-confrontational actions that don’t remind them how crap everything is; maybe distract them a bit, and make their life that tiny bit better. THAT kind of love does get through – even if they’re not in a place where they can vocally acknowledge it.

           

           

          THINGS THAT MAY HELP YOUR DEPRESSION

          Here are some of the common solutions:

          EXERCISE

          This is good for a few reasons. It gets you out of the house. Forces you to interact with people. Gets endorphins pumping through your brain. Helps your lymphatic system remove toxins from your body. Gives you a target to aggressively burn off stress. All these things are net-positive.

          In my experience? When I was seriously low, I was also exercising to an insane degree. Eg, beyond the point of muscle fatigure (I couldn’t stand up), almost every day of the week. Did it help? Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t think it made me feel significantly better, but I do know I would have felt a lot worse if I wasn’t. Plus, it was a GREAT way to burn off stress energy (from the dozens of shitty things that were happening in my life at that time).

           

          DRUGS

          Several members of my family have taken these, and they’ve helped. I never have, but I suspect I may have benefited. Sadly, when I needed it most, I couldn’t even afford to go to the doctor to get a prescription.

          The key thing to remember is this. SSRI’s (common anti-depression medication) do NOT make you happier. What they do is smooth out the peaks and troughs of your emotional state. So, they cut the terrible crushing lows out of your life, but they also cut off any highs you may have been experiencing. They numb you. You don’t feel incredibly shitty any more, but mostly because you don’t really feel much of anything any more.

          You also have to be very careful with WHICH meds you take. Many of the side effects are worse than depression. Eg, extreme anxiety (which doctors, ever helpfully, then prescribe anti-anxiety meds for as well – coz hey, more drugs are better, right?). Some SSRI’s I’ve read about include significant risk of suicide. Yes, anti depression drugs that massively increase the likelihood of you killing yourself. Seriously. Do your research. Pay attention to how they make you feel, and changes in your mood, behaviour and health.

          Also useful is to only be on them for a short period of time, say, six months. Often this will be long enough for you to get the rest of your life together, and that’s all you need. Long term drug use (any drugs) can be quite damaging on the body, or even seriously life shortening.

          Remember: pharmaceutical companies make money from selling you drugs, not from making you healthy. Their ideal patient is one who feels terrible but doesn’t quite die. In a lot of ways they’re extremely evil; don’t trust them. By all means use their products if you think they’ll help, but don’t ever, ever trust them – or their marketing departments.

          Now, one thing I have found to be useful – for VERY short periods (eg, drinking too much yesterday and feeling a bit lower than usual today) is 5-HTP. You can get it from a lot of supplement shops, although you may have to ask for it. Don’t take it more than 3-4 times a week, but it’s definitely a very useful “get my brain chemistry up off the floor” tool. Once it kicks in and you feel less like death, you can then apply everything else here.

           

          BE SOCIAL

          As long as it’s possible to do so without exacerbating what you’re feeling (eg spending money you don’t have, seeing someone who’s hurting you etc), or talking about your own problems, this can be helpful.

          Definitely there’s positive neurochemicals that get released when we socialise.

          If you have a loving family, this is perfect. They already know all your junk anyway, so you don’t need to talk about it much. They’ll be mostly infinitely patient with you (they’ve put up with you this long, right?) and really, nothing is going to phase them. It’s a perfect combo.

           

          SUNLIGHT/VITAMIN D

          Can’t argue with this one – just for goodness sake wear sunscreen!

          Low vitamin D levels are directly co-related to depression. This is also one of the likely explanations behind Season Affective Disorder.

           

          DRINK WATER

          Your body is 70% water. It NEEDS water. Not juice. Not coffee. Not beer. Not soda. Water.

          Every organ in your body needs water in order to work properly. Very likely, a LOT more water than you’re currently drinking.

          Just do it. You’ll thank me.

           

          EAT LESS CRAPPY FOOD

          Junk/fast food makes you 51% more likely to be depressed, according to one study. Either way, artificial sweeteners, colouring, flavouring and high levels of fat, sugar and salt can NOT be good for you. They do evil things to your body AND brain chemistry. Every once in a while isn’t going to end the world, but by all means do all you can to drop your usage, if possible. It’ll help.

          I definitely noticed a strong correlation between eating crappy food and feeling bad afterwards. On a couple of occasions I noticed the effects still screwing me up several days later. It’s bad stuff!

           

          DRINK LESS CAFFEINE

          I think in my earlier “industrial strength depression” days, a large factor in feeling so bad was how much coffee I was drinking – up to 8 or 9 cups a day.

          In brief, this fritzed out my energy system. Made me super tense/stressed. It threw my body into fight-or-flight mode, and my adrenal gland into overdrive.

          These days, I avoid caffeine altogether, and I’m feeling a LOT calmer, and much less likely to slump.

          The other thing that caffeine does is disrupt the regularity of your heart beat, ie your heart-rate variability (HRV). These heart rhythms regulate your entire physical system. Studies have shown that disrupted HRV is heavily correlated to depression, anger etc, and that improving your HRV will show immediate improvements in your well being.

          Also remember, green tea has caffeine, and decaf doesn’t mean no-caf. Decaf still has about 30% of the caffeine of regular tea/coffee. This is because they start with regular tea/coffee and remove the caffeine, just not particularly effectively.

           

          MINIMISE/AVOID ALCOHOL

          This is a biggie. Alcohol, while initially a stimulant (gets sugar into your blood stream quickly, and makes you feel slightly “up”) is ultimately a depressant.

          I remember a few years back, walking to work and screaming in my head how much I hated my life. Then I had to stop and look around. I was walking along the Thames on a gorgeous sunny morning, to a job I really enjoyed that paid extremely well, had a loving girlfriend and a fantastic apartment. What. The. Hell. Then I remembered – I’d had two pints the night before. It wasn’t actually my life that was awful, just residual alcohol screwing me up.

          It’s very common to feel a LOT better if we can cut down (or out completely) the booze from our lives.

           

          MINIMISE/AVOID SUGAR

          Yes, sugar makes you feel better – initially. But, much like alcohol, then there’s a crash that comes after that. Doing that manic up/down to your nervous system isn’t good for you, and definitely doesn’t make you feel better.

          These days, I have almost zero sugar in my diet, and I feel a ton better for it (plus my skin looks great).

          You don’t need to go crazy about this. Less is always better, but if you want to eat that chocolate? Go ahead and do it. Being loving to yourself is WAY more important than being militant.

          On a related note, a lot of alcoholics are actually sugar addicts (or, specifically, their brains have certain imbalances that make them crave sugar). So, they go cold turkey and eat a lot of sugar instead, which gets them hyper, then slightly more depressed, so they eat even more sugar… eventually, they get so low, they have another drink. Voila, recidivism.

           

          MINIMISE/AVOID TV

          TV is a brilliant escape mechanism. However, its primary effect is merely to help us avoid thinking about ourselves. Additionally, it fills our head with the stories we’re seeing. Which, if you think about it, are someone else’s stories, not the stories we want to create for ourselves in our lives.

          If you’re watching people be chopped up, struggling with life, and in pain (ie, DRAMA), guess what is going to be whirling around in your head?

          Now, there is always a place for watching something inspiring, or something that you know will unfailing cheer you up. However, balance is critical, and it’s super easy to overdose on TV, simply because it’s so low effort, at a time when we have zero energy left for anything else.

           

          HAVE STRUCTURE IN YOUR LIFE

          This is one I haven’t always managed to do so well.

          For example, if you have a regular job, it (more or less) forces you into bed at a semi-reasonable hour; out of bed at a consistent time; food in the morning; some exercise; some socialising, etc. Even on your most lack lustre day, you can say “at least I went to work.” These tiny wins can make a HUGE difference.

          Having regular patterns makes it easier to do the things that we know will help us: Eat regularly; exercise; minimise crap TV etc. It helps us to achieve things that will help us, without feeling like it’s requiring effort. We get the win without the feeling of pain or struggle.

          As well, there are little patterns of structure that can be helpful.

          I’ve found that forcing myself to make my bed every day makes me feel better about my life. (Duvets are great). It’s a tiny thing, but it means when I look at my room, a large swathe of it looks tidy, beautiful, perfect. So, my head fills with thoughts like that, rather than “ugh, everything’s awful.”

          See also keeping my desk clean(ish). Always keeping a glass of water on my desk. Unsubscribing from the endless streams of daily emails I never read anyway but just stress me out. Chucking dishes in the dishwasher (I haven’t actually DONE any cleaning, but at least I don’t have to see the mess) and so on.

           

          GET ENOUGH SLEEP

          Most people need 6-9 hours sleep. Long term sleep deprivation is positively correlated to depression. Also, allow yourself a few days or a week of this before you pass judgement. It can take a while for our bodies to recover if we’ve been hammering them hard for a while.

          Of course, there’s also the issue of oversleeping. If you’re struggling to get out of bed after ten hours, you might be having too much sleep.

          It’s a tricky balancing act, but these days the vast majority of people are sleep depped. You probably are too. An hour or two more a night will make you feel marvellous.

           

          GO EASY ON YOURSELF

          This is critical. Allow yourself to be slack, without feeling bad about it. You’re already struggling, you don’t need to make it worse by beating yourself up.

          Give yourself time and space. Be gentle. Lower your self expectations. BE LOVING. This is more important than anything else.

           

           

          AN APPROACH THAT WILL DEFINITELY HELP DEPRESSION

          Here’s what helped me (apart from all the little things above). This is the biggie.

           

          1. Get rid of the crappy thoughts

          Very often, horrible life events (or even just unending, grinding ennui) will drive us into depression.

          We can look around and see completely defensible, valid reasons to be depressed.

          I’m not going to argue that.

          However, there is one thing that happens that really doesn’t help us at all.

          We start thinking about all those crappy things.

          And what does thinking about something miserable do? It makes us feel miserable. This isn’t rocket science.

          The more miserable we feel, well, the closer we get to actually being depressed. We stop looking after ourselves. We stop enjoying ourselves, and the whole sorry mess spirals down the drain.

          There’s no denying the external facts of our life. BUT! We have complete control over what we think about.

          So, here’s what I’ve done that helped me achieve that.

          The first thing is – saying we have complete control over what we think sounds like bullshit. And if we’re depressed, lethargic and miserable, it’s going to FEEL like bullshit too.

          But, there are tricks.

          The first real issue is the automatic thoughts. Stuff that just echoes constantly in our heads.

          If we were talking about requiring self-discipline to get this done, yep, we’d be screwed. If we can’t control our mind enough to get out of bed, we’re hardly in a position to stop our automatic thoughts. Fortunately though, you can get this done without requiring any self-discipline at all.

          Myself, I used EFT/tapping on every thought I had more than a few times a day. Sounds like a lot of effort, but really, it’s mostly the same very few crappy things repeating over, and over, and OVER. Tapping on them got them the hell out of my head. This brought serious relief.

          The other good thing with tapping is, you don’t need to be in an emotionally strong place to use it. Or sober. Or calm. In fact, the more upset you are, the more beneficial it is. I’ve had times where I’ve been lying on my bed, or on the floor in the shower, crying, and tapping. It’s desperate, but it really helped. A few rounds of that and the energy passes, the thoughts subsume, and I started feeling better (and thirsty!)

          The short version is this: If you’re not enjoying any thought you’re having? Why have it. Tap that sucker out.

          These days I’m mostly in a much calmer place, so I can use other, often faster tools – eg releasing, or just choosing to focus on and let that thought/energy go.

          It all helps. Every thought released is one that doesn’t own you any more. YOU’RE THE BOSS OF YOUR HEAD. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you will get there, eventually.

           

          2. Get rid of the dark cloud

          This is a bit more subtle, but it’s what I experienced.

          Once I had cleared my head of most/all of the negative automatic thoughts that swirled endlessly around, I could see something else.

          Now, this was a very subtle thing. Sort of like the kind of thing you’d only ever see out of the corner of your eye.

          What I sensed was this endless, eternal dark cloud. It was like a heavy blanket, laid over everything in my awareness.

          It was definitely a “below the level of consciousness” thing. And it wasn’t attached to any specific set of thoughts or situation. It just WAS. Always.

          Once I saw it, I could address it. Silly little thing, but really, all I did was talk about it – describe it, how it felt, etc. Sent it some love (ie, let go of resisting it), and tap a few rounds while thinking about it and talking about it. As I did that, I could watch it dissolving in front of me.

          Really, that was all it took. Very simple – once I saw it.

          I’ve done this maybe three times in total? The first level went, and a few months later I could see/sense a slightly more subtle (less overwhelming) black blanket, with different texture and feeling. Then again with a very light grey one a couple of months after that. Now I don’t feel one at all.

          Life FEELS different.

           

          3. Refocus on the positive

          Exactly the opposite of letting go of focusing on the negative.

          If thinking about miserable junk all day makes you feel bad, how will thinking about exciting, joyous, invigorating stuff make you feel?

          Now ok – there’s a reason this is step three. Start with the big ugly stuff first. However, once that relents a little, the time is perfect to really kick it up a notch.

          Think about stuff that makes you feel really, really good.

          This is the key. It’s not really about the thoughts. It’s about the feelings attached to them. You want to think about things that make you FEEL amazing.

          This is why “just think positive” never really works. You have to FEEL positive too. Of course, easier said than done – but once again, we have some (not so) secret tricks.

          When you start trying to do this, your brain will be screaming in protest – wah, how can I, all this stuff in my life is broken ETC.

          It’s all bullshit.

          Consider worrying. We all do it. What are we doing? We’re imagining stuff that hasn’t happened yet. Negative stuff.

          So, how is imagining positive stuff that hasn’t happened any different? We should be great at it!

          It’s not. It’s just that our brain is geared to focus on the negative – particularly when we’re feeling down.

          Here’s the secret though – that part of your brain that screams in protest if you try to imagine and FEEL something good happening? THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAT IS COMPLAINING IS WHAT IS CAUSING YOU THE PAIN.

          How does that work?

          If something bad is happening in your life, but you don’t care about it? It’s not going to affect you negatively, is it? It’s only the fact that we judge things as bad that allows them to affect us. It’s only that our brains continue to spew negative crap when we’re trying to focus on the positive (be thankful, be grateful, enjoy life etc) that makes it so difficult to consistently do so.

          Here’s where, once more, EFT (or other healing tools) can be damn useful.

          Sit down and tap (or whatever tool feels right for you) while you focus on things that make you feel great. Then just let all those horrible complaining screaming voices come to the surface. The EFT (or whatever) will clear them all out. Seriously.

          In fact, in a weird kind of way, doing this exercise (tapping while focusing on the positive) is even more effective than tapping while focusing on the negative voices. However, it is useful to clear a decent amount of the negative stuff first. It just helps.

          Remember, it’s ok to start small. Maybe your positive thought for today is how nice you’d feel, all clean after a shower. Or how much better you’ll feel if you do some washing. Or change your socks. Or smell the grass. That’s ok too. That’s perfect, in fact.

          These things will build up over time. If you feel amazing dreaming of being on a yacht, then do that. If you feel amazing dreaming of having new slippers, do that. The size doesn’t matter, only that it makes you feel good. You can always work your way up to bigger dreams as you start to get your life in order.

          When we’re depressed, we spend every second of our day thinking negative, miserable, dis-empowering, non-loving thoughts.

          Even if we only get five minutes a day where we’re thinking the exact opposite, it’s going to help enormously. It’s the first crack in the dam. The split in the concrete through which a tiny leaf of joy can start to ever so hesitantly grow.

           

          4. Take it a day at a time

          One problem with our brains is that we instinctively worry. When we worry, we’re usually panicking endlessly about things that haven’t happened yet – or worse, may not ever happen.

          To get back on track, you have to just let go of all of this junk. The rule that worked well for me was – if it wasn’t happening in the next business day, I just wouldn’t think about it. Or I’d put off thinking about it as much as possible, unless there was genuinely something I could do about it.

          Even just the “I’ll think about that next week” brought relief.

          The key is – focus on today. What small things CAN be done. What will improve my life, even a little? Half heartedly push a vacuum cleaner around? Ok, I’ll do that. Leave the house for the first time in almost a month? Well, ok, but just to walk around the block. Sit in the shower? Well, at least I’ll be clean, ok then.

          These little steps are important. They’re you loving yourself, which matters. They’re also you helping your life.

          Most importantly though they’re you going easy on yourself. Letting go of endlessly beating yourself up. Accepting that you’re in a bit of a hole so the rules are different, AND THAT’S OK.

          Try to relax all the muscles in your body. There’s typically specific places we hold our mental tension (shoulders, upper back or neck are common). Relaxing the physical muscles helps us let go of that mental stress.

          Try saying I love you to yourself. Just repeat it like a mantra. I know it’s a bit whack, and you very likely do NOT feel like it’s true. That’s ok. Tap at the same time if you want to kick it along a notch. Just try to let go a little of the parts of you that don’t believe it. The more you say it (and let go of the opposition), the more it’ll feel true.

          Try improving your posture, just a teeny bit. Sit up instead of slumping. It’ll help.

          Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Forgive those around you for hurting you. And ask for their forgiveness. No, really.

          All these little things help. But really, it’s just about getting through today. Trying to make today, IF you feel up to it, slightly better than yesterday. But if you don’t? That’s ok too. Have a good night’s sleep and tomorrow you can try again.

          Shrink the size of what you’re looking at trying to achieve until it feels possible. If breathing for today is it, then that’s totally fine. Keep breathing for today. Tomorrow you can always try a little more.

           

           

          IN SUMMARY

          None of these things are quick fixes.

          If you’re depressed, it typically feels like things will NEVER get better. That’s ok. Just allow yourself to accept that maybe that’s not totally true.

          It’s a long game, so give yourself space to take time with it.

          Even with the healing stuff (which often feels utterly miraculous), I’ve just kept chipping away over the last decade or so.

          I haven’t felt that industrial strength depression in years. I wouldn’t go back for all the money in the world. I feel like, and am, a completely different person these days.

          In general, even if I’m not feeling exactly HAPPY all day every day, I am so much calmer. So much more content with life. More peaceful, more loving. Much quicker to laugh. More so than ever before.

          It’s not a journey that’s over yet, for me at least. These tools are things I’ve found helpful, and things I’ll continue using into the future.

          If we’re lucky, some of them may help you or someone you love too.


           

          Are you depressed?

          The Burns Depression Checklist

          Rate the following questions according to the scale. Sum the total from all questions.

          Ratings Scale:
          0 = not at all
          1 = somewhat
          2 = moderately
          3 = a lot

          1. SADNESS: Have you been feeling blue or “down in the dumps”?
          2. DISCOURAGEMENT: Have you been feeling that the future is bleak and hopeless, that thingswill never change, or that problems will never be solved?
          3. LOW SELF-ESTEEM: Have you been feeling inadequate or worthless?
          4. GUILT: Have you been blaming yourself for your weaknesses, shortcomings or mistakes?
          5. INDECISIVENESS: Have you been struggling with making decisions?
          6. IRRITABILITY, FRUSTRATION: Have you been feeling resentful or angry a good deal of the time?
          7. LOSS OF INTEREST IN LIFE: Have you lost interest in your career, hobbies or daily activities?
          8. LOSS OF INTEREST IN PEOPLE: Have you lost interest in your friends, family and partner?
          9. LOSS OF MOTIVATION: Have you needed to push yourself hard to do things? Have you been procrastinating?
          10. POOR SELF-IMAGE: Have you been feeling negative about your appearance?
          11. APPETITE CHANGES: Have you lost your appetite or have you been overeating or binging?
          12. SLEEP CHANGES: Have you had difficulty falling asleep and sleeping soundly? Or conversely, have you been excessively tired and sleeping too much?
          13. LOSS OF LIBIDO: Have you lost interest in sex? Are people whom you once found attractive no longer appealing to you?
          14. HYPOCHONDRIA: Have you been excessively worried about your health or preoccupied with your aches and pains?
          15. SUICIDAL IMPULSES: Have you thought that life is not worth living and that you would rather be dead? Have you been having suicidal fantasies or impulses or making suicide plans?

          Score:
          0–4 = minimal or no depression
          5–10 = borderline depression
          11-15= mild depression
          16-25= moderate depression
          26-45= severe depression

          Professional help is recommended with a total score over 11 points.

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