si dawson

Most of us carry around an internal framework describing our existence. This is our map, if you will, of the world.

How it works. How we should behave. What the rules are. What the consequences are if we break those rules. And so on.

The thing is, all these things are just programs running in our heads. They’re nothing more complex than pictures in our minds.

The person sitting next to you will have a whole different set of pictures in their head.

These pictures can be all sorts of things:

• People are fundamentally good
• People are fundamentally bad
• People are fundamentally in it for themselves
• If I’m late I should beat myself up
• If I don’t get what I want I should beat myself up
• If people don’t behave the way I believe they should, I will disapprove of them
• I deserve to be loved
• I don’t deserve love
• I won’t love someone unless they do what I want
• I am special
• Famous people are important
• Poor people are subhuman
• Ugly people are less worthy than beautiful people

… and so on.

You can see how many of these pictures directly contradict others. You can also see how we might pick these up – from what we’re told: by the media; our peers or elders; our families. From what we experience.

The crazy thing is – whether these programs help us or not, we’ll often fight to the death to prove that “we’re right.”

In fact, a lot of the time, we’d rather be right than happy.

Yes, I realise that’s a false dichotomy, but let me explain.

In instances where these internal beliefs and programs hurt our best interests (eg “I don’t deserve to be loved”) we will look around for evidence to support this belief (“look how that guy/girl left me”) – even though our life is worse off for having this belief.

What complicates matters further is that often these beliefs directly contradict what we know intellectually to be true.

If we’re focused in our brains, we may say “Well, that’s stupid, of COURSE I deserve to be loved.”

It won’t be until maybe we’re very tired, or run down, or drunk that the truth might finally slip out – that even though rationally we know it’s wrong, deep inside we don’t honestly believe we deserve love.

This kind of thing happens all day every day.

Of course, not only do we look for evidence to support our deep beliefs (using that wonderful pattern matching device, our brain), we also start to create these beliefs in our lives – a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you believe guys always stare at your breasts, you can be damn sure you’re never going to miss a single guy checking you out – more data that proves you’re right.

If we believe, say, that women are argumentative, won’t we be expecting an argument every time we talk to someone female? And won’t this, in turn, make us more argumentative, thus creating this as truth?

A simplistic but not wholly inaccurate way of describing this would be to see our mind as a movie projector – and these pictures in our minds are projected out into the world around us.

Thus, crappy pictures = crappy life. Great pictures = great life.

As is so often the case, this is easier said than done. For a start, we’re not talking “positive self talk” – because the vast majority of these pictures happen below our level of consciousness. Most of the time we’re not even aware of what’s cycling through our heads.

 

How do we find these pictures?

 

1. Sudden mood changes are a good give away.

If we notice our mood change suddenly (usually for the worse), that’s a pretty strong sign we have some kind of program running.

Here are some typical programs, to give you an idea:

• If I’m late, I should beat myself up
• If I don’t get what I want, I should beat myself up
• If someone doesn’t behave the way I think they should, I will disapprove of them
• If I don’t get done what I think I should, I’ll beat myself up
• I should be sad if people disagree with or don’t like me

Note: beating yourself up, or disapproving of yourself – it’s all the same thing.

If you find yourself casually justifying things that actually don’t help us at all, that’s a good sign you have these mental movies running.

 

2. Over-reaction to events in our lives or the people around us is another clue.

This kind of thing exposes pictures like these:

• People must show me respect
• I want people to love me
• People should do what I say
• Everybody wants something from me
• People only want me for me [whatever]
• Being polite is super important

If any of these pictures are pushed against by life, it’ll upset us.

If we believe in politeness and someone is rude to us, it may feel like our world is ending. In a way it is – life is contradicting our deep beliefs about how the universe operates.

 

3. Avoidance and escapism (aka procrastination) are also useful.

These are good hints to the following sorts of pictures:

• Life is hard
• Success is only possible through hard work
• I won’t be paid well unless I do something incredible
• Unless it’s perfect, it ain’t worth a damn
• Money is hard to come by
• Anything worth doing (or this task I’m working on) is going to be difficult

 

Detect a theme though? They’re all just rules. Rules we live by.

All these rules are just pictures in our head.

They’re ways that we define our reality, and thus create it.

We can think of a thousand reasons why any of these rules are “reasonable”, “understandable”, “sensible” or “obvious” while the person next to us has a similar number of justifications for the exact opposite rule.

In short? It’s all bullshit.

A wise man once said “every thought is a limitation” – and while I’m not yet at the point where I can see that clearly, I’m starting to see he may have a strong point.

Seeing these self-chosen rules, beliefs and pictures is the first step.

Dumping them all is the second. I’ll get to that in my next post.

(spoiler: EFT or releasing are super helpful, particularly if the pictures feel a bit “sticky”, but I’ve also discovered a faster way)

The final, obvious step is to replace them with loving, supportive pictures. That’s the easy (and fun!) bit.

Our “inner voice” is often crucifyingly critical.

It can be incredibly judgemental.

What can we do about this? Well, there’s a bunch of obvious possibilities: meditation, therapy, eft, releasing.

Here’s another good way.

We hone our judgemental internal natures by criticising the people around us.

Next time you’re walking down a street or in a mall, listen to your inner monologue.

Invariably it’ll be something like: “Wow, fat… Ugly shoes… Ooh, she’s cute… Awful hair… What a loser… Ugh…” AND SO ON.

Notice also the ratio of negative to positive. 10 to 1? Worse?

Guess what we do the rest of the time? We turn that razor sharp criticism on ourselves.

Pretty logically, if we can drop our internal judgement of others, we’ll also shrink our own self-criticism.

So here’s an interesting way to do that.

The first step may sound a little odd, but it’s important, even if not immediately obvious.

Straighten your posture, pull your shoulders back a bit, and open your heart. How? Just imagine that you’ve opened a door on the front of your body. Then let the energy pour out.

Why do this? Partly to let love pour out of your body and connect you with others. If you’re sensitive or intuitive you may feel this happening, but don’t panic too much if you don’t. The important thing is just to set your posture and the intent to open yourself.

Now, as you’re walking along, gently focus on each person (same as you would if you were checking them out, or about to be judgemental). Then, simply say “I am you.”

That’s right. I Am You.

The thing is – we’re all the same. We really are. Sure, there are external variations, but on the inside we all love, hurt, desire and die.

So, when you say “I am you,” you’re forcing your mind to focus on the similarities, rather than the things you do or don’t like.

Additionally, it will VERY powerfully bring to the surface all those internal criticisms.

If you’re doing it genuinely, this conflict may typically appear as your mind shouting denial, or even physical tension, clutching or pain in your body. Don’t let it freak you out, it’s all just energy.

This is the other important reason we open our hearts and chests – to let that energy out.

Just imagine the tension leaving your body out the front of your chest, and it will. You set the intent, and it will follow.

For maximum effect, do this with the types of people you find most awful – the fat, ugly, old, infirm, badly dressed – whatever sets you off.

I walked across London Bridge the other morning, against the rush hour flow, doing exactly this.

In the space of five minutes I must have said “I am you” to a hundred people. I felt an incredible amount of criticism and judgement come up and leave too.

Afterwards, I definitely felt more peaceful, and perhaps unsurprisingly, much more loving towards others.

Best of all, I felt a ton calmer and more accepting towards myself. Less judgemental. That nasty internal chatter significantly quieter.

In the days since then? I’ve stayed in that loving space. Best of all, I’ve also noticed a marked drop in my own self criticism.

All in all, quite neat (and stupidly fast!)

Most of us have a horrid little voice inside.

This is the voice that is endlessly critical, kicks us when we’re down, is our own worst enemy.

This is the part of us that punishes ourselves. It’s also the part that often shouts the loudest.

Things like meditation, or healing, will definitely shrink this voice over time.

The key problem is: We have tens of thousands of thoughts a day. The vast majority of these are negative in some form or other:

• I can’t
• I’m not good enough
• I don’t deserve

etc.

Can you imagine how you’d feel if someone stood next to you and told you you were shit, twenty times a day?

(Actually, I did have that happen in my physics class when I was 16 – but that’s a story for another time).

What happens over time is unsurprising: We start to believe it.

If it continues for long enough, we become it.

This is one of the reasons I’ve been so enthusiastic about using healing tools the last decade or so. They’re simply the most effective way I’ve found of permanently silencing that horrid little voice (not just temporarily quietening it)

Obviously there are many ways of temporarily shutting it up – hard exercise, booze, sleep, escapism, etc.

I like to be efficient though. Why do something, only to have to do it all again tomorrow, and then every day for the rest of your life? I’d much rather do it once and move on.

The most insidious of the forms of negative self talk I’ve found are statements that start with “I am…”

Why?

Because if we say “I am” often enough, about anything, it very swiftly becomes who we are.

Of course, it’s one thing to say something out loud, or in our conscious mind. The sneaky thing is when our inner mind is repeating it to us. When the inner mind is doing it, we’ll hear it thousands of times a day, not just the tens of times we might say it ourselves. Guess which voice is going to win?

The other problem with “I am” statements is that precisely because they do become part of who we are, they’re almost impossible to see. It’s like that old joke.

Two fish swim past each other.
“Hey kiddo,” says one, “How the water today?”
“Hey old man,” the second one replies “What’s water?”

So. We have the delightful situation of negative automatic thoughts circling our brain all day, defining who we are. Worse yet, we can’t see what those thoughts even are.

What can we do?

I’m glad you asked!

The key is to find all these internal “I am” statements, then just dump them, one by one.

Obviously, the important thing here is to start choosing which ones you want to keep.

If you’re believe you’re utterly lovely (And really? You are) well that’s a belief worth keeping.

So, find somewhere quiet, and just brain dump (or mind map). Simply say out loud “I am…” and let your brain finish the sentence.

Start describing yourself, your life, your existence – starting with “I am” statements.

Pretty soon you’re going to have a massive list of things “you are.”

Now, before your brain starts freaking out and justifying these statements by looking for external evidence (“Of course I’m poor! Just look at my bank accounts”, “Of course I’m anorexic, look how fat I am”) realise this: we create the world around us.

We don’t get these beliefs by measuring our existence. We start by seeing some tiny thing, drawing a conclusion, having that conclusion strengthen into a belief, and subtly look for more and more evidence that backs up our belief.

Once we believe something strongly enough, we’ll start creating that in our life (even if it’s something that rationally we don’t want).

Pretty soon, our existence is the strongest proof possible that our belief is true.

We love being right, even if it hurts us.

For right now though? Fuck your existence. Is carrying this shitty thought around helping you? Making you feel better? No? Then why not get rid of it.

Of course, if you want to stay feeling shitty, or hold on to these crappy “I am” statements – well, you’re the boss of you, so you’re very welcome to keep doing that too. Who am I to tell you what to do? I just want you to be happy and fulfilled, and to help you get there any way I can.

If you want to get rid of them though, here’s what I suggest:

1. Stick with each “I am statement”
2. Repeat it to yourself (ideally, while rubbing/tapping your sore points)
3. Focus in on any physical or energetic tension or clutching that arises (eg, getting pissed off)
4. Consciously relax that part of your body (ie, release it), or tap
5. Repeat until you feel clear, calm and loving while saying the statement

When you’re totally calm and peaceful about it (not apathetic) you know the issue is 100% gone.

Then, repeat for each other limiting/negative “I am” statement.

How does this work? Well, the physical, emotional and energetic are all linked in together. We’re one system that works holistically. So, if you alter one part of your system (eg physically relax) everything else (emotional, energetic) will shift with it.

Now, when you start, this may feel like an insurmountable mountain of crap. I know, I’ve been there (ha ha, oh boy).

However, once you get into it, you’ll find you can clear a lot of shitty beliefs, really quite damn quickly. A lot of the time, it may only take a few minutes each.

So, you can make a ton of progress to improving the hell out of your life, in a very finite timeframe.

Of course, if the “I am” feels sticky, or it seems like it’s not quite gone, just be persistent. Drink some water and give it another bash. It’ll go.

Clearing out the shitty “I am” stories is like cleaning the water in your aquarium.

You start to see life more clearly. From there, you then gain the freedom to choose exactly what kind of life you consciously want.