si dawson

Often times, the largest traumas in our lives can grow from the tiniest incidents.

Now, I’m not talking about things that are very obviously awful: death, violence, horror.

I’m talking about the seemingly innocent things that happen to us as kids:

• Someone doesn’t behave the way we’d like
• We’re treated unfairly
• Someone (typically a parent) says something we misunderstand
• We miss out on something
• … and so on

Why is it that these trivial events can have such outsize effects on our lives?

The key to understanding is to remember that we weren’t mature yet when these events occurred.

Sure, we can look back now and see that “I wanted a special hat on my birthday but they’d run out so I got a regular one instead” really doesn’t compare to the horrors that many people have suffered. However, at the time, it was still a big deal.

Why? Because we were kids!

When you’re a kid, damn near everything is a big deal.

I watched my brother cry for twenty minutes once because he lost 20 cents. Yes, 20 cents. It’s kinda funny now, but at the time he was a kid, so why is he expected to know any better?

I had a conversation with my Mum when I was 4. Know what I learned? That she didn’t love me.

How ridiculous (and wrong!) is that?

Even more crazy is that I remember the conversation and can see that what she was trying to teach me was the exact opposite. That she did love me.

How is it possible to get completely the opposite idea from a simple conversation?

Easy. I was four. How much do four year olds know? Not a whole hell of a lot.

The thing is, it’s too easy to look back at these kinds of experiences and dismiss them out of hand. Wave them away as the trivialities that we (as grownups) see them for.

Shame will encourage us to do this, but it doesn’t mean these events aren’t still significantly affecting us, even today.

When we were kids they seemed huge. Thus, their effect on us is huge. Therefore, if we wish to truly heal their effect (and our lives), we need to treat the situation as it felt at the time: serious and life threatening.

Remember, we’ve spent decades reliving this trauma at volume 11. How awful it actually was is irrelevant compared to how much pain our memories have put us through reliving it, over and over all this time.

Now fortunately, humans are generally pretty robust. There’ll have been dozens of situations as a kid that might have screwed you up, but didn’t.

If you look back though, you’ll instantly know the small handful that have deeply affected you.

These are the ones to heal. These are the ones to treat with the respect they deserve.

These are the ones that, no matter how tiny they look now, will have a disproportionately positive effect on your life by resolving.

When we’re upset, it’s very easy to get our brains tied up in knots.

Things start spiralling and next thing we know, our monkey mind is chattering away at a thousand miles an hour (ie, 1600km/h).

It leads to very predictable outcomes: feelings of overwhelm. Despair. Helplessness.

In times like this, it’s important to keep things simple: Just say “I love you” and let it go.

When we start trying to figure something out, we typically end up tangled up in the very brain that was causing the problem in the first place.

Hence my recommending EFT – no matter how crazy our brains are, we can always whack ourselves in the face.

There’s another technique I’ve found recently that’s just as simple and maybe even more powerful than EFT.

It goes like this:

Any time we’re upset, if we pay attention to our physical bodies (not just what’s whizzing around our noodles) we’ll feel tension.

• Sometimes this is a clutching feeling.
• Sometimes it’s actual muscle tension.
• Sometimes it might just feel like an unusual pain.
• Sometimes it may even feel like we’re hungry – but in an odd part of our stomachs.
• Sometimes it can be quite subtle – a low down fogginess with no real centre.

Typically these feelings are in our chest or stomach, but not always.

These feelings are merely the physical manifestation of the emotional and/or mental turmoil we’re experiencing.

Remember how our system (physical, mental, emotional, energetic) all works in conjunction with itself? Each is part of an integrated whole. Yeah, that.

Since all these parts are related and working in harmony, we can fix one to fix the others. This is exactly the same as changing our posture to improve our mood.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Focus your attention on the physical discomfort you’re feeling – however subtle
2. Say “I love you” (out loud is stronger, but not critical)
3. Let that feeling go
4. Rinse, Wash, Repeat as necessary

Remember, you’re the boss. All it takes to let these kinds of energetic discomfort go is for you to decide. Yes, really.

Now, often we’ll hang on to something without necessarily realising that’s what we’re doing. Maybe we like being a victim (it can be a way to get approval, after all) or maybe we’re don’t believe we can change it (feelings of powerlessness/wanting control). There’s lots of possible explanations.

(pro tip: you can easily dump these reasons the same way – identify them, feel the feeling, say “I love you” and let them go)

Regardless of any reasons for hanging onto this feeling, we can choose to let it go. If we genuinely decide, it will always respond.

Remember also, how we react is independent of what’s actually happening to us – we may not control the stimulus, but we always control our response.

This is what is so powerfully about consciously choosing to love something unpleasant. It releases us from its power. It reasserts our authority over ourselves.

So does it matter if we don’t feel that love when we say it?

No, not to start with.

The fact that you are making the choice and setting the intent, that is where the magic is. That’s the real secret.

Even just saying “I love you” will start to loosen things up. The more strongly, lovingly and powerfully you say it, the more power you will have.

To begin though, even just saying the phrase will help, so start with that.

A lot of times, simply saying “I love you” to something unpleasant will immediately engender an internal screaming response.

Guess what though? That screaming is exactly what you’re healing. That resistance is exactly what’s keeping you in pain. THAT is the energy coming to the surface.

For me, I often also find myself yawning to let that energy go.

Having a strong internal reaction is a good thing. It tells you you’re on the right track. Keep loving, keep letting go, and you’ll be amazed how quickly things will drop away.

I’ve been using this technique a lot over the last week or few, and there’s a ton of things that have bugged me for absolutely years that I’ve dropped away in a few seconds each.

I just say whatever it is, welcome the feeling up, focus on that feeling, say “I love you”, have a good yawn and let it go. Bingo bango bongo, as easy as that.

The great thing with this approach is:

1. It’s so simple, even when we’re starting to spiral, it helps cut everything off before it gets out of hand.
2. It yanks us out of “automatic mode” and back into authority over ourselves.
3. It stops that internal shit storm which so often results after we start really obsessing about something unpleasant.
4. It stops us from beating ourselves up.

Saying “I love you” and letting stuff go keeps us out of our brains and centred in our hearts. It keeps us present, peaceful and loving.

Really, what more could we want?

As a general rule, we are our own worst enemy.

It’s pretty easy to hear how negative and critical our inner voice is.

What’s more interesting but unfortunately a lot more powerful is what we don’t hear. What we can’t easily hear.

Our subconscious self criticism.

That’s the stuff that rules our lives, drawing harsh boundaries around our self-defined, self-allowed quality of life.

Even (after meditation, healing, extensive personal growth etc) when our inner voice is quietened, our subconscious thoughts can continue to hammer away at us.

What to do, what to do.

*heavy sigh*

Yeah. I’ve spent forever pondering this question.

Obviously, healing every significant life event helps. Although boy, that can take YEARS. Ha ha, trust me. *facepalm*

Healing any repetitive thought patterns definitely helps.

Here’s another way though, that might just be a little faster.

Self criticism is merely a lack of forgiveness. Self criticism is self accusation.

The trick to forgiving yourself is to truly love yourself (even if only about that specific issue). Once that love is complete, forgiveness is a natural by product. Once you’ve truly forgiven, the self criticism goes with it.

After all, what is forgiveness but choosing to let go of the anger and pain we’re still carrying?

You can’t hold self anger, shame or recrimination at the same time as being loving. They MUST leave to create space for the love.

Saying something like “I love myself” isn’t powerful enough though. It doesn’t deeply connect. It’s too easy for our mind to side-step, tricksy little bugger that it is.

However, once you accept that you are not your mind, body or emotions, it becomes easier.

What are you, really? What is this “me”?

Well, a multi-dimensional higher being. A soul. Part of the universe. I Am. Whatever.

It really doesn’t matter what terminology you use, or what you feel comfortable with. Just know that you’re something “other”, and something much greater than any of the individual parts we typically thing of as “I”.

So what’s the most powerful way I’ve found to self-love? (ha ha, your filthy mind)

Step into that “other”, and address yourself in the third person.

In other words, rather than, “I love myself”, say “I love you, Si”.. uhh, with your own name, obviously.

When doing this, it may feel rather like expressing compassion to an upset child. Which, perhaps unsurprisingly, is pretty close to what you’re actually doing.

It’s easy to put your awareness into this higher part of yourself. Just move your attention slightly out, above and behind your head.

Why here? Well, it’s said that this is the location of the soul. That sounds a little hocus pocus for my liking, but it does feel like the right place to focus, for me.

You may find a better location for yourself to put your attention, of course. Play around with it. Find what works for you.

All you want is to feel like it’s The Big You, loving little old physical you that stumbles around this planet every day.

ANYWAY.

Once your attention is there, then simply say:

“I love you Si, even if…” (or “…even though…”)

and let your silly old brain fill in the gaps.

Just let your mind wander over all the shitty things in your life. Things you want to change. Things you hate about yourself or your current existence.

Pretty soon a massive laundry list will come rushing forth. All those inner complaints will pour to the surface.

Here’s the other part of what you’re going to do though.

When you say any of these things, your body WILL react. You’ll feel tension, clutching, frustration or even intense energy collecting.

Then, as always, relax that part of your body. Let the energy go. Let the tension go.

Guess what? That’s you healing it.

Yeah, it really is this simple. No, it doesn’t need to be any more complicated.

[A slight caveat being – if you want to tap at the same time, particularly the sore points (near the collarbone), that’s always helpful. It helps “tune you in” to the problem.]

I know we love to exercise our brains and make things way more complex than they need to be – but remember, that’s a choice. In this situation, if we decide that healing can be simple, it will be.

Why? Because…

YOU’RE THE BOSS.

Wash, rinse, repeat until you feel super calm and yes, genuinely loving about whatever’s come up.

It may sound ridiculous, but all the power here is in your intent.

Even if you don’t FEEL loving when you start, by saying it, it WILL become true. You know, that whole “fake it till you make it” schtick.

If you’re feeling particularly crappy, you might have to fake it a lot, but be persistent. It’s worth it.

Once you start thinking about all the little things that still bug you, you’ll find yourself flying through a ton of stuff very quickly indeed.

Here are some starter subjects:

• Being ugly (or any part of our physical body that we disapprove of)
• Being less successful than we’d like
• Ongoing difficulties at home
• Romantic issues
• Perceived failures
• Ways we’ve let ourselves down

The sky’s the limit, really. God knows there’s an infinite number of ways we can beat ourselves up.

So, to sum up:

1. Move your awareness just above and outside yourself
2. Say “I love you <name>, even if…”
3. Let your brain fill in the rest
4. Let go of whatever comes up
5. Repeat until genuinely loving

Have a play, follow your intuition, and just remember to keep your focus just outside your body and on loving yourself, rather than getting sucked down into the specific issue.

This is a great little technique. It’s a super fast, super easy way to clear out a ton of junk that otherwise would go completely unnoticed – except for the continued negative effect that carrying this sort of crap around has on our lives.